jburt1
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2004 25 August :: 9.11am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: yellowcard "way away"
Two hours and counting
I'm happy to announce that I am PACKED! Not only that, but everything fits in the back of the van...WITH ROOM TO SPARE! Hopefully I'll get some sleep on the ride there. I was up most of the night, even though I finished packing around midnight. (Oh shoot...I still gotta pack my bathroom stuff. Don't want to forget that!). Last night I think I was just worried/anxious/nervous/questioning/confused/scared. I just kept lying there in bed. I don't even know what I was thinking about, but it felt kinda like the night before school starts (more dramatic though). Today, however, I woke up reassured. I just keep telling myself: maybe I'll meet my future best friend today (not that anyone could replace any of my old friends). Speaking of friends, I got an unnexpected e-mail when I signed on this morning:
"hey~
Sry to hear that your going, you've done a lot for me, I might not have always said it but you have been one of the best freiends I have ever had. Sorry that we haven't really talked much this year, its just I kinda wanted to stray away from the things that were going on, it wasn't you, it was just some of the people I was hanging out with weren't really helping out things. Thank you so much for all that you have done for me, and thanks for always being there. Good luck, I'll call you sometime to see how your doing, remember I'll always be there for you, just call me if you need help with anything.
Thank you"
Wow. I guess that helps put things in perspective. It's almost weird that you don't know what you think you know...or that you don't know what's really going on with your friends...or that people show you a different side from the side you're used to knowing. In any case, I was happily surprised.
You know, sitting here I can't help thinking it's not too late. Ultimately, today is about making a choice, making a choice that all of my friends are making themselves. Mine just seems more abrupt because I'm moving out of state. I think that this is the right decision though. If I didn't make a choice, I would just rot away in muskegon. Just like the night before school, though, I really hope that this will be a great year ahead of me. I want to learn (and actually retain knowledge). I want to join clubs. I want to make friends. I want to explore. I want to grow. Now I just gotta sit here and wait until 11:00. My future awaits....
give a word, take a word
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jburt1
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2004 24 August :: 10.08pm
:: Mood: solemnly procrastinating
:: Music: b182 "down"
rushing at the end
Ohh, mann. I don't know where the day went. I woke up around noon, my mom went to her appoint, I deposited money into my checking account and got a haircut. Then, I did some last minute shopping at target and big lots, went to dinner with my mom, and picked up our rental van. Next thing I know, it's already 9:00pm and I have NOTHING packed (with the exception of my computer, prepackaged comforter, and books and CDs. I just spent the last hour ironing and folding clothes, so at least I have most of my clothes packed. I just gotta get a few items out of my closet. I guess I could have my parents mail me stuff in the upcoming weeks, but I want to try to bring as much as I can on one trip. Today feels so weird...I told katie it was solemn when she stopped by. I saw erin sprague at target and even she wasn't her same, old peppy self. It's hot and muggy in here, my mom is getting on my nerves, I'm tired, but I have to go pack. Onto my future...
1 Word(s) |
give a word, take a word
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jburt1
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2004 24 August :: 3.00am
7/29/02 - 2:30 am - Crying
Overdose on these tears today
because tomorrow you can't cry
weep your heart out on my shoulder
and it will be alright
I know that you are confused right now
so go ahead and cry
feel free to relase the pain
because tomorrow is another fight.
4/04/03 - 3:21 am - Beautiful Stranger
Oh, beautiful one
who makes me cry
because I cannot hold you.
I stare at you
you look at me
I turn away embarrased.
I am lonely
you look the same
but I am too shy to change that.
oh beautiful stranger
I am just glad
that I got a glimpse of heaven.
5/8/03 - 2:23 am
I remember a time
when I believed in true love
and all that it entailed.
I remember a time
when I believed in virtues
and upheld them in my life.
I remember a time
when I looked down upon people's vices
and shuddered at my own.
I remember a time
when everything changed...
There were no virtues or vices,
True love didn't exist.
Everything blurred together
into one muddled heap of reality.
I remember a time
when the false-hope delusions stopped.
give a word, take a word
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jburt1
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2004 24 August :: 2.54am
7-9-02 - 4:00 am - Road to Discovery
I'm on a journey
to discover who I am
conflicting results
make me mad:
not who I wanna be
not who I thought I was
I like and tell you something else -
just because...
Because I'm afraid of what you'll think of me
I'm afraid you won't understand
I'm afraid I don't know what I want
or even who I am.
3/31/03 - 1:08 am - The Morning After
The morning after
and I am wasted
left with nothing
but memories of
feeling happy
for a while
drained because
it will be no more
and now i need
to recooperate
3/12/03 - 3:00am
It is devestating to have the knowledge
to know that you are ignorant.
there are many things
I do not know,
there are many things
I wish to learn.
But not being good at any
one thing
What course should my life take?
Where will I go if I have no purpose?
What will I do if I'm not the visionary
I wish to be?
Will I be ordinary
or will I break new ground?
Oh fate! hasten toward me
so that I may know
where I will go.
give a word, take a word
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jburt1
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2004 24 August :: 2.45am
8/25/02 - 1:59am - Layers
I only have so many layers to shed
before I am reduced to nothing.
A fresh one's peeled
and I'm left hurting.
A long goodnight
and now I"m crying.
A broken mind,
and I'm implying
I might not last the night.
7-28-02 - 4:30 am - In My Room
I've spent endless nights
starring at these walls
nights spent talking to myself
with no reply
pent up in my room
my own little place in the world
I imagine I was somewhere else
existing as the better variation of myself
I scream through my pillow
a scream ladden with anguish and pain
feelings of being on the edge
when I haven't left the ground
trying to fly away from here
I remember I have no wings
but maybe I can build some
so that I can find a better place
7-20-02 - Stand-still Life
I am breathing
though my life has ceased.
week to week
has increased.
day by day
is still the same.
I sit and wait
for it to change.
hour into hours
is just as fair.
I stare at something
that isn't there.
minutes and months
just to kill
my life is at a
stand-still.
give a word, take a word
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jburt1
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2004 24 August :: 2.39am
Untitled - Undated
I'm sick of it - sick of it all
What you do to me, how you treat me.
Upon recent events, I have now
come to realize this: death is
In our grasp. Some fear it,
Others embrace it.
I only flirt with the idea of it
But what if flirting shall become more?
What if I lust over death?
What then will become of me?
Going Crazy
Would you take me back
If I lingered on the edge of insanity
And you didn't know what
To do with me?
Would you be my support
If my mind fell bad,
Saying the things
Which make you mad?
What if it all falls down
And I'm not who I used to be?
Will you be there
To comfort me?
11/00 - First Poem
No, it is not fair to me
Our friendships gone
of that I see.
All this pain and hurt within,
Are hidden by a second skin.
I wear a front,
You cannot tell.
All the devestation
And destruction swell.
Everynight I remember
The fun we had.
And knowing you still have it,
Makes me sad.
From time to time I sob and plea,
That God, somehow, will change our destiny.
Right now I try to pray and hope
That you will comfort me,
To help me cope.
Now go do what you must do.
If you are a friend, invite me too.
This I"m sure is the only way,
to mend my scars and make me okay.
give a word, take a word
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jburt1
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2004 24 August :: 2.32am
Don't Get Me Down
Don't get me down,
No, not now
When I am so high,
So free, so high.
When my spirit is above the clouds,
And my heart belongs to you.
Don't get me down,
Please, don't get me down.
9/21/01 - Fragile
A piece of glass,
Painted balck
So you cannot see inside
A powerful hand,
Given the glass
So that he may decide
For if he chooses
To let it live
On the hand it may ride
Or if he chooses otherwise
He throws it down
To watch it die
Late Night Thoughts
Sometimes I stay up late and
I think about things.
I think about the world,
And all the people in it.
I think about myself,
And all the faults I find within.
I think about you,
And wonder why you care.
give a word, take a word
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jburt1
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2004 24 August :: 2.27am
02/02 - Nothing is Real These Days
Superficiality
Is this what has become of me?
In a time when reality could not be any more clear
My vision is blurred,
My path is obscurred,
And I have lost the things I once held dear.
I struggle and I scream for something that is real,
But still it seems so fake,
A path I do not want to take,
Nothing is as real.
You treat me the same, and yet, it does not feel
As if, at one time or another,
It may have been real.
Superficiality,
Is this what has become of me?
02/02 - Self Restraint
Holding back, keeping away
From everything I want to do.
Clinging on, standing by
Those oh-so-holy few.
Shattered impluses, heightened dreams
All for self-restraint.
Holiness and purity,
With a very small complaint.
9/17/ 01 - My Resolution For Us
My resolution is to put it behind me.
I did blame you once,
But now I know
It wasn't your fault,
Or mine.
I don't know who's to blame.
But now we can go on to how we were before.
give a word, take a word
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jburt1
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2004 24 August :: 2.20am
9/21/03 - 8:30pm
Broken picture frames
and misplaced things
on the floor
I see the war
shut the windows
lock the doors
don't let the neighbors
hear these roars
this is the battleground
of our war
where words exchanged
hit the core
these are the family bonds
that you tear
when you say these things
and do not care
I can see the masks that you were
but you can't see
the faces that you mare
little battles turn into fights
but I can see
this isn't right.
5/30/01 - 2:27am - The Shallowness Prevails
Lying in my bed at this late hour
heavy breathing, I need to shower
listening to music without hearing a word
everything shines, it's absurd
What is realy in this fake place?
With sorrow and jow, I am two-faced
Painting these sins over with white,
pretending perfection in the society of light
desperation grows strong as the truth grows week
thus I must ask, is shallowness what I seek?
11/4/01 - Tears for You
This tear is for you,
the one I lost,
although I never ahd you.
This tear is for what
I could have had,
although I never tried.
This tear is for
what you are about,
and what I want to be also.
This tear is my tear to you goodbye.
give a word, take a word
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jburt1
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2004 24 August :: 2.17am
4/12/03 - 3:10am
My heart sinks lower and lower
with each exhale
another wasted minute
I don't know where I've been
all this time
in passing
meaningless
neglected
neglecting
friendships become estranged
I wait for tomorrow
but tomorrow never comes
give a word, take a word
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jburt1
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2004 24 August :: 12.04am
My stomach is full after sharing two appetizers and a virgin strawberry daquri with Katie at applebee's. It was a nice way to spend my last "real" day in muskegon (tomorrow doesn't count). We went school "supply" shopping at walmart. I spent $50, but I think I have pretty much everything I'm going to need now. As for earlier today, I felt and looked like shit. I didn't sleep well the night before, and, ironicly, watching nick jr. today, there was a show called "Lazy Town" with an episode about getting your sleep. Well, I suppose I really should get my sleep now because tomorrow I've got a LOT of stuff to do, including LOTS of packing!
give a word, take a word
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jburt1
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2004 23 August :: 2.08am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: wsnx after hours
last time with friends
Tonight I realized that I have some really great friends. Jami, Amanda, Jill, Andre...we all hang out together, and I can be myself, even if that's the non-talking me. Plus, we have fun whatever we do. For example, tonight we went to the beach, played soccer and football, sang camp songs, just had a good time. Andre lost his keys doing cartwheels or something, so we had to spend about 20 minutes looking for them, but that wasn't too bad. Lacking much light, it took me a while to realize that I could use my cell phone like a flashlight. Immediately after, I found Andre's keys. I must say, at first I thought he might've been joking (as he did with me earlier in the summer) but when he started getting all pissed off and stuff I knew that he wasn't lying. He was happy to get his keys back. Then, the beach patrol came because the beach was closing. We wanted to have some fun, so we pretended that we were still looking for his keys. Andre gave them back to me a little while later and I pretended to re-find them. Yes, we are actors. It would've been funnier if the beach patroler wasn't Andrew Malady though. Since we couldn't stay there we decided to head over to beachwood park. I climbed the dunes, and the rest of them followed me. What a workout that is. Yet, I'd say it's worth it. The seclusion and the view are priceless. When we were on our way down, I realized that I forgot my shoes so I had to climb halfway back up and get them, but the moment I set my sandals down, I knew that'd happen. But, it was worth it when we got back down and I conspired with Jill to write something on some other late night tresspassers' car. While we were on the hill at the park, we saw this couple walk towards the other hill with a blanket...hmmm. Out of humor, we wrote "I GOT SOME TONIGHT" on a small piece of paper and used a band-aid to adhere it to the car trunk. There was also the part tonight where I called Jill's cell phone when her and andre got lost, only to discover that it was still in amanda's car. Funny moment. And then the guy walking down henry at midnight, who we found out worked at Arbys. Haha, that kid's gotta think we're high or something. Well, amanda, jill, and jami came back to my house. We talked for an hour and amanda looked at my china pictures. It's weird to think that that's the last time I'll hang out with them...before college anyways. I have a feeling that the next two days will go by quickly and that I won't be able to sleep tuesday night. There's still stuff I want to do before I leave. For example, I want to read through ALL my former posts and see how I've changed or not changed. I also want to write down some of my old, old poems in here. And now I'm just rambling, so I'll go to bed so I can run all my errands tomorrow.
give a word, take a word
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Fatman
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2004 22 August :: 8.12pm
meh
give a word, take a word
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jburt1
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2004 22 August :: 12.21am
:: Music: the darkness "I believe in a thing called love"
Hanging out with Joslyn tonight was a blast. That girl's so funny. Ahh, Batwoman! Plus, she looks extremely like laura bourdon. Hmm...double life perhaps? She came over around 1:00. We didn't know what to do so we went to the beach, walked the pier, stopped by Hot-n-Now to talk to andre, and hung out at Best Buy, where I finally bought my USB flash drive. Anyways, andre got off work around 4:00 so he came over to my house and we all headed to Gradville to go to the cinema at Rivertown. Joslyn and I wanted to see Garden State, but Andre didn't seem particularly thrilled about it. Instead, we saw Without a Paddle. That movie is a lot better than I thought it'd be. Very funny. Fortuneately, the previews don't give it all away, like I thought they would. Some memorable parts in the movie: "I think I'm still stoned." "Look to the left and you can see her downstairs." "Yes we really want to kiiilll youuu. Yes we really want to maaake you crryyy." I needed some laughs tonight. Afterwards, Joslyn drove us back to muskegon. Andre went home and we went to taco bell for a bit. Doesn't sound like much, but it was a fun night and now I'm spent.
2 Word(s) |
give a word, take a word
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jburt1
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2004 21 August :: 12.45am
I feel a tad stupid. I kept on waiting for a check to arrive in the mail for my ebay listing. Today I decided to check my paypal, and lo and behold, the person made a payment. I think paypal should notify me via email when someone does that! Now I know otherwise. At least I registered to vote to today. My registration card should come in a few weeks and city hall's supposed to send me an absentee ballot. Later on, my mom took me to JCPenny to get a rug for my bathroom and some new shoes. I rented Taking Lives tonight, too. Very good movie. Part of it was a little predictable, but not too much. I would recommend it. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Joslyn. It sounds like we're just going to wing it, but I'm sure we'll have a good time. I leave in 5 days. Wierd.
give a word, take a word
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