Songs From the Ugly Organ

:: 2004 11 April :: 2.11pm

Happy Easter. I didn't go to church today, which I'm sure is a mortal sin, so if I wasn't going to hell already, now I am. I woke up in time to get ready but my mom and sister were still asleep and I knew my mom would do nothing but be a bitch all morning. She work up a little while ago and she's already being one! I hope she didn't throw out her meds. That just adds more problems to my already complicated life. Last night "Girl A" confessed to liking me. I told her some stuff that I probably didn't have to, but I wouldn't lie to her. I'm not a playa...yet anyways. So now I gotta decide where I stand between Girl A and "Girl B" before I "make a move" on either one.

:: 2004 11 April :: 1.38am

We got back from Dearborn today. Looks like everyone's doing well. Rachael's quite the smart cookie, plus I taught her how to high five. When we got back, my mom was in her bitchy/dictator mood so I drove over to emily's and surprised her. We went all around muskegon taking pictures of "ghetto" things and how crappy muskegon is. It's for some school project. When it got dark, we cruised around looking for cars to vandalize. Every person we could think of wasn't home, and we couldn't find any shores parties, so we headed downtown and hit up some random cars. On one we wrote "4 Sale $5." On another we wrote: "Holla 4 $50." We went to Fricano's to see if Shannon was working. She wasn't, so we found another random car and wrote "I'm a Nympho" on it. It's not our fault we're vandals. Muskegon has NOTHING else to do! It was still fun. Back at my house, we hit up my dad's car and wrote stuff like "Skids 4 life" "Got beano?" and "Pimp Gangster Bill." It was funny at the time, but now I kinda feel bad about it, since he has to go into work tomorrow and everything. But I'm too tired to go out there and clean it off.

:: 2004 8 April :: 11.38pm

I just got back from Dawn of the Dead with Christina and Ai. I think it was a very good movie, although I can feel my brain turning into mush. I wasn't scared, but I anticipate being chased by zombies in my dreams tonight. Now I don't want to go to bed. Oh well. Tomorrow I leave for Dearborn. We're going to visit my aunt, uncle, and rachael. Sara just told me she loves Loyola. I'm glad. Maybe I'll see her there in two years. I gotta do some running before bed.

:: 2004 8 April :: 2.26am

Today was bad. All day I felt miserable. I feel like everything's the same day-in, day-out. I need change! I went to the mall with emily to drop off some apps. Maybe if I got a job that'd help. I seem to be under financial stress. Most of all, I'd like to meet someone new. I need a new face to familiarize. Now I'm sounding like a depressed emo kid. I got better towards the end of the evening, but during the day, I felt like I could've cried, for no appearent reason other than being lonely and being bored. I like to think that things will be better in chicago, but will they? honestly?

:: 2004 7 April :: 1.51pm

That movie made me realize that I'm lonelier than ever. I want to reach out and connect with someone, but so far, I have been unable to do that.

:: 2004 6 April :: 1.43am

Mmmh...chocolate chip cookies. Emily came over and we made some of those tonight...from scratch. Earlier, we went job hunting. Nowhere is hiring. The best I got was at Old Navy, where the guy said they might be doing some hiring in 2-3 weeks. Subway also hinted that they might be doing some summer hiring. Tomorrow I gotta remember to check back on my Mackinaw Cremery app and to turn in the ones I got today. My chest and back are burnt...but nothing else on me really tans.

:: 2004 3 April :: 10.39pm

I hope all of spring break isn't going to be like this. Yes, it was nice to sleep in, watch saturday cartoons, and go back to sleep, but I don't want to sit home all week. I got a surprise visit from nick tonight, but it was cool. I "whoped" him in connect four quite a few times. Plus, he keeps me up to date on the class gossip. We agreed that people change. Anyways, I feel bad because I blew like $40 bucks today. I went tanning, picked up my pictures, and bought some hygene products at meijer. On tuesday I'll call the owners of heart-n-hand to check up on my app. I need some income. At least I deposited my change at the bank on friday. Well, I'm off to watch Mad then SNL.

:: 2004 3 April :: 1.14am

I am so confused about things right now, but at least I'm not depressed about them. I'm having girl "problems." There are two girls right now. I know for a fact that one of them likes me, and I possbily like the other one. What to do. At least it's spring break. I'm going to try to relax. Actually, who am I kidding? I am going to attempt to study for the AP calc exam. Probably won't happen though.

:: 2004 2 April :: 1.34pm

I probably won't update at all over spring break, because I'll forget to.

:: 2004 2 April :: 1.34pm

When I was young I knew everything
She was a punk who rarely took advice
Now I'm guilt-stricken, sobbin' with my head on the floor
Stopping baby's breath and a shoe-full of rice now.

Can't be held responsible
She was touchin' her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me,
I cannot believe we'd ever die
For these sins
We were merely Freshmen.

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girls took a week's worth of Valium and slept
Now he's guilt-stricken, sobbin' with his head on the floor
Ask him what he meant and how he never really felt he says:

Can't be held responsible
She was touchin' her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me,
I cannot believe we'd ever die
For these sins
We were merely Freshmen.

We tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talked about our lack in relationship
Now we're guilt-stricken, sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip we'd say:

Can't be held responsible
She was touchin' her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me,
I cannot believe we'd ever die
For these sins
We were merely Freshmen.

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me,
I cannot believe we'd ever die
For these sins
We were merely Freshmen.
We were merely Freshmen.
We were only Freshmen.

:: 2004 1 April :: 11.47am

:: 2004 31 March :: 12.48pm

We stumble in a tangled web,
decaying friendships almost dead
And hide behind a mask of lies
We twist and turn and we avoid,
all hope of salvage now devoid
I see the truth inside your eyes
So take all this noise into your brain
and send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call
you up and then...
I'll say the words out loud

[chorus:]
You could resurrect a thousand
words to deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the
reasons why I don't need you
anymore

Time manipulates your heart,
preconceptions torn apart
Begin to doubt my state of mind
But I won't go down on what I said
I won't retract convictions read
I may perplex, but I'm not blind
So take all this noise into your brain
and send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call
you up and then...
I'll say the words out loud

[chorus:]

I'll say the words out loud. I'll say a
thousand words or more

Manipulation. Fabrication.
Conversation. Annihilation
I'll say a thousand words or more
Damnation. Frustration. Elevation.
Procreation
I'll say a thousand words or more

:: 2004 30 March :: 8.48pm

I think all this mental anguish is making me physically sick. Not so much the sore throat, but the stomach problems I'm having as well as the overall feeling of "blah" are probably a result of all the stress I'm under. This morning my throat hurt so I decided to sleep in. I was planning on comming in 2nd hour, but I couldn't force myself out of bed. Even though I got a bunch of extra sleep, I still took a nap this afternoon and want to go to sleep now. Too bad I have to study for the sanocki test. I should also be doing my english project that's due friday, but I'm not feeling up to it. Right now I'm on the edge of a breakdown because my parents are under financial stress and don't know how they'll pay my tuitition. My mom was too worked up to even listen to my plan to work all summer, to file an appeal for my aid, and to take out student loans so they wouldn't have to pay for it. My dad's working by assignment so after june/july, he won't have a job for a while. Personally, I think he should find a better job out of state and move the family there. Muskegon and the state's job market sucks. I called Old Country Buffet today to check up on my app I sent in thursday and they "already filled the positions." Damn them! I hope I have a shot at Heart-n-Hand's new ice cream shop. I wrote a cover letter, what I call my "letter of desperation." I called Katie and she told me a resume wasn't a bad idea either. If worse comes to worse, perhaps I'll jump a cliff. Today, I wanted to take the car and just drive into the lake.

:: 2004 30 March :: 1.24pm

Heaven, is this heaven where we are? See them walking, if you dare, if you call that walking. Stumble, stagger, fall and drag themselves along the streets of heaven.
Where is the blessed table to feed all who hunger on earth, welcomed and seated each one joyfully served? See them walking, if you dare, if you call that walking. Stumble, stagger, fall and drag themselves along the streets of heaven.
Where is the halo that should glow 'round your face, and where are the wings that should grow from your shoulder blades? Show them to me.
These are sobering sights I've seen in the City of Angels have all been one rude awakening that was dues to me in heaven.
There would have been heavenly music I was convinced before. A host of the dearly to meet me with Hosannas sung at the door, but these are sobering sights I've seen in the City of Angels have all been one rude awakening that was dues to me in heaven. In this city of fallen angels.