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2009 7 April :: 12.29 pm
fuck, you're in three classes, can't you get up for one of them or understand that i'm too busy to hang out when i'm taking 5 and working at the end of every day?
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2009 6 April :: 11.09 am
cuddlefest 2009!
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2009 2 April :: 9.37 pm
1 meter |
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2009 1 April :: 4.51 pm
the drawbacks to having three best friends who are all very close, one of which I am romantically involved with, is that there are no secrets.
so last night, when I called Joe wanting a private best friend conversation, mike was sitting right next to him and overheard the entire conversation about how i had to call 911 at work because josh collapsed on the floor clutching at his heart, and how worried and stressed i was and how i hadn't heard from dan in 3 days and was sure he didn't like me.
these delusions were not realistic, nor were they related at all to josh's condition, but were a result of my altered mood and state of being. nevertheless mike overheard the entire conversation and does not understand me to the extent that joe does. he proceeded to call me today and administer a long lecture about how busy dan is, that dan does in fact "like me," and that i am a silly girl with silly needs. he also told me that my ordeal at work was nothing to his lifeguard experiences (although i had never cared to compare the two, knowing that there was no comparison) and told me every horror story he had ever experienced, finished with a slightly condescending, "dan is BUSY, jocelyn, don't you understand that?" and said his farewell.
ugh joe please notify me when you are not the only one listening to my rants! please!
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2009 30 March :: 12.54 pm
stick to your convictions.
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2009 30 March :: 3.16 am
i like to sit in bed when i can't sleep and listen to the je1 recordings from last year. my favorite are the kurt elling shows. i like to hear you playing and i like to hear him say "daniel hunting on guitar" at the end of the songs.
i hate that everyone thinks i am a flirt. i hate that angelique 'warned' you about me. it makes me feel like scarlet at the barbeque.
all i want to do is bowl until 5AM on a regular basis, continue our regular rendezvous, give joe all the love that i have, and find a place to live for the summer.
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2009 29 March :: 10.09 pm
i can't fucking believe this. like a fifth person could possibly make that house any worse.
fuck jacob and fuck jamie and christina.
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2009 27 March :: 3.51 pm
"i'm a pisces fish and the river runs through my soul."
i can't emphasize the two main men in my life enough. joe and dan i don't want this ever to leave.
i'm getting excited about rothbury and it's nowhere near here. i'm excited about molly again and that is next weekend. this time i won't be nervous and i just know it'll be better, even if umphrey's won't be guiding me throught it. at least i have dumpstaphunk.
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2009 26 March :: 2.28 am
PLEASE
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2009 24 March :: 3.07 am
sunrise, sunrise, a wave of heat and bright bright burning yellow songs.
my workload is lessened by thoughts of sushi with you and the fellowship of the ring. what a lovely thing, we both lack class and tact and are horribly vulgar, but to you i am a lady, and in the sense that you want me to be ready to experience things myself. you will guide me but only as far as i ask you to, and then you will let me go, and i will fly or fall back and do the same for you. it is not because i can't handle it because of my delicate constitution, it is because i have to know myself that i am ready and i have to trust myself.
forget plucking my horrible eyebrows and forget makeup. i am happier now than i have been in so long.
1) something to do
2) someone to love
3) something to hope for
i am blessed with an overabundance of all three of these items. i wish i could apologize to everyone for being so stupid in the past. i wish i could re-meet everyone i ever have and say, "listen, i've been very stupid. i hope you understand. i'm sorry." it was me but it wasn't-- i hadn't met me yet.i still don't know if i have bot gosh am i ever getting there.
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2009 23 March :: 11.41 pm
oh peas.
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2009 23 March :: 12.31 am
i bought radiohead amnesiac because you gave it to me and i couldn't play it in the car on the way home. i wanted to hear what you wanted to show me.
it is so sad. it pulls back feelings and thoughts that i had put away.
please let this be really happening. i feel as though you will leave abruptly. i want you to press your hands to my cheeks and tell me once more, tell me you will not and that the unfathomable is happening. it is happening right now and i will be right here with you.
i love kurt elling.
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2009 22 March :: 8.34 pm
i am in a semi-sleep state with my loud roommate behind me chatting on her computer. i have quite a lot of work to complete and worst of all, school starts again tomorrow. i am not caught up at all and there is no possible way for me to work with mary-kate here being possibly the loudest and largest human being in the country.
yesterday was lake eustis with mike joey and dan. immediately and to my utter terror, mike threw me 20 feet off the jet ski. it was so fun! after we had exhausted the acrobatic options, we made a journey across the lake to the canals in the glades with cypress trees everywhere, and us floating at idle speed, smoking cigarettes and talking and taking in the sights and smells. it was beautiful, but we had to leave when the warning light on myself and daniel's jet ski started blinking. so back we went against the wind and waves and freezing cold but screaming happily. i stood up and held on tight over the big ones and almost flew off a thousand times. oh daniel. oh joe oh mike!
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2009 18 March :: 3.19 am
i am currently sitting in an empty house with joe asleep on the couch next to me. daniel just left to get some sleep and work on his arrangement tomorrow. i started my painting today; i did the line drawings of the faces and figures. mike, joe, and dan love it so far and i love them for loving it. mike has been down lately and i'm trying to help, but i never know what to say. the best i can do is stand and listen awkwardly and offer my opinions when i think he would like to hear them. mostly i think he wants to vent, but not be reassured. his problems are those that must be battled out in his heart.
ju is forcing me to live on campus next semester and joe and i don't know what we will do. this summer we have so many plans, it is of rather high importance that we find a place to live. jamie and christina are moving out and jacob will live on the streets if he must. it is not too pressing currently, but it will be and i have to vent about it somewhere or i will explode.
i would like to vent about patrick. he hates me but i feel as though our situation is similar to jane's and mr. collins. she is "the last woman on earth who could ever make him happy." that is the fucking truth. our relationship, while it had its moments of perfection and happiness, was not meant for the long haul. i would have never been happy, and i could not have loved him the way he deserved to be. the purpose of love is to bring out the best in someone and there was none of that with patrick and i, not in the end. i stand by my decision to end the relationship, i stand by that it was the best decision for the both of us, but he does not understand the toll that decision took on me. at least i respected and loved him enough to keep from writing a dear john letter.
i know i should not be saying this. no matter my defense, there will always be a thousand arguments against me. but someone has to know that i did hurt and i still cannot listen to any of our songs or watch any of our movies. i did not just drop him. that decision will allow him to find a perfect girl that will love him deeply and truly.
this was an eternity ago. i have been thinking about it very often lately because of dan. we are slowly developing into something very overwhelming, and i was scared and still am. i do not want it to end the same way, i do not under any circumstances want him to hate me the way that patrick does, no matter what happens between us. i want to let him into my heart and i want to be a part of his. it is such a strong and potent feeling. i could love him. he is unbelievably good for me. he takes such wonderful care of me in every sense and he is so very strong. i am hanging from the edge and i need to let go, i have to trust him. i could love him if i would just let my fingers slip away.
he knows himself. his eyes are open and warm and he wants to know everything about me. he wrapped his arms around me on the beach and we talked and smoked cigarettes until dawn, went back to my room and made plans for rothbury until we fell asleep.
this will all be okay.
joe is talking in his sleep next to me, i'm listening to an old coldplay album, and i'm going to read all night. life is okay.
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2009 15 March :: 11.40 pm
dark star crashes
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2009 13 March :: 2.56 pm
i am going to have my very own apartment with my very own joe. OH the excitement! School is finally breaking and I have time to breathe and re-read Harry Potter with a smile on my face and the TriWizard tournament on my mind. I'm working in exactly 3 hours, for 8 hours, and then TO THE 24 HOUR BOWLING ALLEY with my three favorite gentlemen! Ahhh and then to Universal Studios with my ABSOLUTE favorite gentleman, then a sleepover with Daniel,and Lake Eustis and more work, and then beach beach beach relaxing all cool for an entire week.
in, out, in, out, life is so good.
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2009 12 March :: 7.32 pm
i am scared. i am taking a big big big step in a direction i have not been in so long.
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2009 11 March :: 12.38 am
my school is full of fucking spoiled brats, my roommate included. the poor woman who cleans our bathrooms, who scrubs our filth and cleans up the nasty shit and vomit the girls on my hall leave behind, puts up with so SO SO SO MUCH. She gets the brunt of their bitching and whining and inability to care for their own surroundings, and the poor woman can barely afford to eat. all these girls talk about is how dirty she is, how one of them caught her poking through our trash.
i fucking hate hate hate hate my school. tuition goes up 3 grand next year and my scholarship does not.
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2009 9 March :: 4.14 am
MOLLY.
pure love and cuddles! happy happy birthday to me.
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