good day sunshine

:: 2005 5 May :: 8.31am

Shit happens and you're stuck on the highway with a blown out tire wondering how you even made it as far as you did. Looking down the path you see it's too hard to walk, but you should try anyway, you never know what lies at the end of this concrete rainbow. Those that give up will only wait to watch someone pass them by because enemies don't give free hand outs. I really don't know where I'm going with this but I hope it helps someone. So, you walk and you walk and it's the toughest thing you've ever had to do. You seem to be alone, no one is there to catch you when you fall or help you carry on when you're hurt. Isn't that the worst thing about this trek? Humans cannot live without that emotional string, so how have you made it this far? Feet aching, sullen and ashy, you fall to the ground and then wonder.. 'Will I get up this time? CAN I get up this time?' All those times in the past you've fallen and someone took your hand to guide you back, but now that there's no one, who will save you? It has to be yourself. Get up and carry on, how else have you made it this far? The tings around you change just as quickly as the sun and the rain. One day it could be beautiful bliss, then next it's a jeering typhoon. And how do we live through this constant change in mood and season? We just do. We learn from our mistakes and remember to do things the right way. Maybe next time you'll remember not to fall if you pick yourself up this last time. Reluctantly, with all your strength, you fight back against this thing holding you down. With unbridled determination, you can overcome this desolate path. You can make this barren desert your own Paradise. You don't have to play by the rules as long as you stay true to yourself. Keep going, never give up, never surrender and listen to your heart. It will teach if you listen close....
[[Shuddap. I know it's sappy.]]

((The depressing alternative ending.))
Feet aching, sullen and ashy, you fall to the ground and then wonder.. 'Will I get up this time? CAN I get up this time?' All those times in the past you've fallen and someone took your hand to guide you back, but now that there's no one, who will save you? It has to be yourself. Then there is only excuses. All of those 'I can'ts' get in the way, they block out the light and leave you shrouded in your own discontent. The only rays of hope you have left are nestled in your wrists. What is there down the road that could be so perfect everyone fights and dies for it? No one will ever know, the road is endless in the dark. What's the point of finding it if when you do, someone will be there to screw it all up, to want to know everything about it, run all expiraments and scrutinizing scientific observations. Is there really a point to explaining the universe? They'll ruin it. It's better to not have found it... than to have it destroyed, isn't that what you think as your life paints the pavement? Another sacrifice on the way to peace. How many must die before they realize some things are better left untouched, unspoken, unheard...

:: 2005 11 April :: 10.50pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Awake-Godsmack

Just a note to say I think she should burn in hell and why you love her or whatever the fuck you feel is beyond me. Nick and me aren't even close anymore, I've come to this stunning realization. Though, in our hearts I know the love is there, we just think about different things.. never talk, nothing, nadda. But, why would you do that after all of the horribly evil, vile things she's done to you? You're just a fucking puppet on a string to her, don't you KNOW that?

I hope she dies and gets washed into a sewer pipe somewhere where her body rots beyond reognition. I'm sick of crying over petty shit, so should I renounce every last word I've said? That might be a mistake, but I'm only human. Emo, emo, bitch, bitch, don't like it than don't read. I guess women are just as bad as men.

God, this day has sucked my ass of all the shit in it and then flung it like a monkey on the walls.

This was hardly poetic, but fuck you.

:: 2005 3 April :: 1.40am
:: Mood: Morose
:: Music: GreenDay-Whatshername

Stupid Dad
It went from a controlled questionably calm conversation to a screaming deathmatch in less than two seconds. Bad tempers are the undoing of family ties. Stupidity and ignorance are the cause of annoyance and hatred between loved ones.

And at the source of it all were 8 little words no longer than 6 letters, "The violin is with Pop, end of story."

The source of the problem is a piece of wood? Imagine that.

Yea, that side of the family is insane. I inheritted it, obviously...

It's appealing, apprently. It takes another liar to satisfy one pre-exsisting.

Enough ranting, I'm through.

Sad, morose, depressed, forlorn.

<3 In death, LDC

(No, I'm not going to attempt suicide. It doesn't work.)

:: 2005 30 March :: 10.09pm
:: Music: Here Without You

Blah, blah, blah.
Meh, stuff happens and life goes on, I guess.

Talked to the guy who thinks I'm a traitor for leaving him to seethe in his own emotions. Talked to his friend that took someone out of my life that shouldn't have been in it in the first place. Told the lying wench to get out of my face. Alot of things were said, but life goes on.

I feel like I hurt him, or lead him on... I wanted something tangible, but I was afraid. I'm still going to prom with the other guy who only wants to be friends. Alot of male issues, yes...

Lucina Coil is a good band. Listen to them, I guarentee you'll have an orgasm. (Well, maybe not an orgasm....)

So, I'm thinking about dating the scales friend who is half ram and half fish... strange, a cusp-child. At least I know where his perversion come in. :) But fish are calm, beautiful things... that's how he is inside. How could I have been so judgemental on someone I don't even know? Ah, she was such a bitch to make me believe it all...

:: 2005 25 March :: 5.04am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Serenity-Godsmack

WISH
It's so early... actually, late for me. I've been up all night and I felt like dusting this thing off and writing something to keep you random-journal people happy.. I was going to post the lyrics for 'Here Without You' or 'Perfect', but neither seems appropriate now.. maybe for some other time. Hm... I think I'm going to modify this poem I found not too long again.... About my father, of course.

WISH

I wish that you could just disappear
It would be like magic if you'd go away from here.
I wish you would just shut the hole in your face
I wish you'd just stop getting on my case
And leave my friends alone
One day you know you'll reap what you've sewn?
I wish I could bash your brains in with a hammer.
It'd be worth it to only go to the slammer.
I wish I had a place to call 'home'.

Yes, I wish you would just die.
And I wish you'd stop telling all your lies.
I wish I could cut our your eyes
Innocence and love is not what money buys.
You're already blind, I'm a loose cannon riding on the edge.
Maybe you're just stupid, your head emptied of knowledge.
I promise on my grave one more smack
And it'll be your balls that you lack.
My fuse with you is as long as a match.

You used to be my hero, I adored you.
But then all those feelings I had you slew!
You destroy those things precious to me
Now, I will tell you, our furture I foresee.
Dead on the floor with a knife in your chest.
Then at last I'll be free to be expressed.
A bullet through your head.
On the floor you're done, you lay dead.
Shimmer, shimmer, blood stained knife...

LDC

Majorly edited, but it's more flowing now.

:: 2005 11 March :: 12.28am

Dear Jocelyn....

I was thinking about you earlier. About all of the things we've done together. The stress, the torment, the anguish I've given you. And all of the beauty and the feelings and the warmth you've given me. This little light in my heart will burn strong until the day you turn away, but even then the sun in my chest will not burn out.

I know I may not cross your mind often, but when I do, I hope you think of the positive. I know it's hard to find the optimistic in the pessimist loner sometimes, but you're always looking on the bright side of things, my sunshine. I just wanted to say there isn't a minute of the day where I'm not reminded of you. Your smile, the way it looks when it's from deep in your heart. And your eyes, god, the mystery they hold. Could I stare into them for countless hours and not be in the least bit uncomfortable or dissatisfied. The way you walk, the way you talk... the way you breath, with way you laugh.... the way you cry, the way you lie, the way you die! God, I love it all.

When in doubt, your voice calls to me through the darkness of dismay and I follow it to the lighter side of life. How is it in such a short time you taught me to be everything I'm not? How is it without even being here at all, you touch me so deeply? How is it I can never stop thinking about you, about us?

For once, please don't be so ruthlessly guarded, my love. I want to know how you feel. To constantly live in a state of turbulent unknowing is worse than death itself. Please, just be blunt, be rude if you have to, but I need to know your feelings. I cannot read your eyes over the wires of this world. I cannot see your face, the thoughts that pass through your mind. I cannot comprehind the tone of your voice through the keys of the keyboard. But would you be too afraid, too ashamed to say the words aloud?

Don't be afraid of change or hurt, my love. I will never try to pain you. The past is the past and the furture is now. I've no token of my love for you, other than my sincerest words and this monster that thunders within my chest. I've no absolution for this affection. No solution. Nothing. It's irrational, really. Another mystery to solve, but who would solve an equation with five variables and only one given?

This is hardly romantic or poetic, I know. I'm settling my mind after a rage-filled letter to a woman who is constantly plaguing me with her body. Please, save me, dear. I don't want to succumb to carnal desires... I must save myself but how can I do that when I can't swim? I'm drowning in this frustration with no life jacket and a body paralyzed with guilt.

Save me.

Yours always and forever,
Alexa <3

:: 2005 18 February :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: Update-mode

Happy>Depressed
Never trust strangers. Especially ones with six big white wings and a maniacal grin on their faces. So, let me reiterate, do not trust strangers.... unless they promise you free sex. Whether you get killed after that is your own problem.

Needless to say that I am in a pretty good mood. Nice to be able to read something funny from my fingertips instead of something really depressing, isn't it?

3 meters | roll it

:: 2005 9 February :: 9.10pm

More... More hurt than I have ever been. And I thought nothing could possibly crush my heart more.

I just hope that this new love can heal what you did to me.

I pray.

Why, oh, why does it pain me to see you like that? It makes no sense... utter, blatent disreguard for my feelings.

Please don't speak to me, it just makes me want to make you near me. It makes me long for you.

On my honor, I will try to end this torture with the gun from it's holstor, the machete at my wrist and the nooses fatal twist.

:: 2005 8 February :: 11.03pm

What is love
Love... what is it?

Where can I find it?

Why is it hiding from me?

Is it tangible?

Or is it like air; Invisable?

I want to touch it.

I want to feel it.

I'm like you.

I like you.

But I'm afraid.

Being hurt again isn't high on my priorities.

But I will.

I will change.

Can I change?

For love, for love.

What is love that makes me...

...want to be who I can't be?

:: 2005 8 January :: 12.21am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Fear-The dothack original soundtrack 1

Don't Be Alarmed...
I'm torn into a million pieces like the pages of my soul. Lying here, on the ground, staring at an empty sky that holds no meaning anymore. I want you to tell me it will be okay, but where are your outspread arms? There's nothing for me anymore. Surrounded by anger and sorrow, this blackhole of depression has got to close! It's sucking in my heart, the sanity I have left and I cling desperate to any shred of hope that is left. Maybe we can start over, erase everything, I'll show the real me if you show me the real you. But I know you're gone and no one's there anymore. Maybe they are and I'm playing the martyr again. But, you know everything I've done has always been for you. Who will I save myself for? Certainly I can't for you anymore, love. You cannot break the mortality of this fragile alabaster shell because if you did, this wouldn't be a reality. Merely... a dream. And though I could loose myself in its beauty and the passion that my mind so cleverly allows me to percieve, I would die on the outside even though my soul would soar! So, what price is that that I must pay to smile, to laugh, to be carefree once again? Only a body, only my blood, only my looks and my voice. Only the sparkle that my eyes once held. But, if it means spending eternity with you so my heart can soar into the clouds again, so be it. I will gladly cast it aside. Dependant I have become to you, addicted I am to your voice and your perverted humor. Accustomed I have grown to your anguish and pain. Desperately I long for what has left me so chilled to the bone. I never thought it would end like this, crying.. bleeding and alone.

Because I always thought the perfect death would be in your arms.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm sorry for hurting you. I've changed, I know. But, besides all of those changes, all of those pointless arguments and aside from all of the lust and desire, I still love you the same. Maybe we fell in love with different people, that's a possibility. Don't you want to get to know this me? Are you afraid, is that why you walked out? You didn't want to be left first... I understand. I thought about it, too. God, it plagued me for nights on end, but I guess there was an error in my judgement because I didn't choose what was right. Still, sin felt so good. I'm so sorry... I wasted so much of your time, can you ever forgive me? Can you ever forgive such a filthy slob like me?

annalebelle

:: 2004 24 December :: 2.34am
:: Music: Numb-Disturbed

3 Words.
I. Hate. Me.

Three words and nothing more.

:: 2004 16 December :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: RANT!!! >:D
:: Music: Stupify

My Oober Long Rant About How Much I Hate Chelsea.
This isn't like one of my normal entried, but I figure I'll put it in here for Mojo since she can't see livejournal. You'll see my point and LAUGH.

Okay, okay. Everyone knows there's probably only a few things in this world that I hate. Bible thumpers being one. And hypocrites being another.

I am so suck and fucking tired of being told I'm going to hell because I dress in all black. I am sick of being told I'm going to hell because I don't go to church. And I am DEFINATELY sick and fucking tired of being told that Jesus saves.

You know what? How about I cram a Bible down your fucking throat? Or, you know what? Maybe I'll flip to the page of the Bible that says something along these lines: Spread the word of Christ. Okay, NOWHERE in that sentence does it say CRAM CHRISTIANITY DOWN THE NONBELIEVERS' THROATS ::Deep breath:: Alright, you want to know WHY I am so worked up now that I've said that (probably more ranting to come so hold on to your seat)?

Well, that little fucking goodie-goodie Chelsea, AFTER telling me I'm going to hell because I don't believe in God, comes in and says she fails a math test. This is the same girl who's every fucking art project is somehow related to Christianity and whose every conversation somehow ends up going on and on about how anyone who isn't Christian is a heathen. Yes, you heard me. So, me being the onry bitch that I am, just burst out laughing. Once I got control, I saud, "Ah, that's the hardest I've laughed in years!" And you know what?! Oh, my fucking God. Listen to this and read these words VERY carefully. Her reply:

"Don't be a bitch."

Can you believe that fucking hypocritical little whore?! Trying to look all cute in her shoulder-bearing sweater. You fat fucking pig, put on some modest clothes, no one wants to see your fat stomach or hear you big fucking mouth! She had the nerve to call me a bitch after all of the ranting she does about accepting Jesus into your life and all this other shit. I swear to... something if I had a gun right then and there, I would have fired it right into her narrow skull.

No, I'm not saying I hate you if you're Christian. Hell, I don't even care if you tell me I'm going to hell. But if you firmly believe that Jesus lived and died for your sins and you follow his teachings;
1. Do NOT judge other people. There is only one person who is going to judge you and you don't have the right to judge anyone else.
2. Do NOT say curses directed towards someone, ESPECIALLY if you're going to get up in front of fourty people and tell them all of your Christian beliefs.

As I said, I'm not hating on you, just that little Chelsea bitch. I hate hypocrites.

So... That's pretty much it. Wow, I feel better. Heheh.

:: 2004 15 December :: 3.52pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Whatsername; Green Day

Apologies
Today I did something I know I'll regret tomorrow.
Seeing her face twisted into such sweet sorrow.
Maybe I'll say sorry another day and smile.
But I think I will just leave her alone a little while.

Just a little short poem I had on my mind.

:: 2004 10 December :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: ...

Let's see if this works.
Wolf
Wolf ~ Wolves are also regarded as path finders
and teachers. Wolf is represented by the
constellation Sirius, the Dog.
In the Zuni tradition the Wolf symbolizes the
direction East.
Wolf's Wisdom Includes:

Facing the end of one's cycle with dignity and
courage

Death and rebirth

Spirit teaching

Guidance in dreams and meditations

Instinct linked with intelligence

Social and familial values

Outwitting enemies

Loyalty

Steadfastness

perseverance

Taking advantage of change

Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your an ice dragon! Congrats! Out of all the
dragons, you are most powerful but do not like
to show it. A rare and special creture, you
have artistic style and are great at expressing
yourself. You think friends and Familly are the
most important, and are a hopeless romantic.
But of course, as ice goes, you can be a little
cold or harsh at times. But not to worry, you
always apoligize later!

What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

F:

size="2">You've come upon a Rough
Stretch. Can you make it through? You've come upon hard times. Things aren't looking so good to you and your life has seem to collapse into a downward spiral. You've lost your way and can't seem to find the right path to take. You are probably depressed and feeling lonely as you've lost sight of those who love you. You may wander through this road with a few others like you and are able to comfort them as they comfort you, but it is not enough. You've lost something, maybe someone close, and with it you lost your faith in life. You're probably confused and unsure what to do next. But the way will become clear eventually. It always does. This stretch that lies before you seems never-ending and not worth traveling. But don't let yourself fall, you may have stumbled upon this, but pick yourself up as best you can and hold on to that little bit of faith you have. The road isn't as endless as it seems. All things, good and bad must come to and end. This too shall pass and you'll be amazed at what good lay beyond it if you just find the strength within yourself to try and make it.

What Path Do You Take In Life? [X]For Guys and Gals! Pics and Lengthy Results.[X]
brought to you by Quizilla

Brave, strong willed, loyal and passionate
You are a sprite of Fire. Full of passion, bravery
and spice you are the living embodiment of
fire. You are quite arrogant and think yourself
above most but that is made up for by; your
passionate ability to pursue your dreams, your
strong will and your powerful well skilled
ability for fighting. You are a natural leader,
people are somewhat drawn to you and see you as
someone to look up to but you only pay
attention to them if they are useful, your
equal or your superior. You are a very exciting
person to be near for you have a vast love of
adventure and battle. Fire is a symbol of
Passion if and when you choose to love you are
capable of beautiful, long lasting, devoted
love. You are quite wondrous!

.::=What type of Mythical Sprite are you?=::. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

From witches who could change into cats with magic
spells, to tribes of anthropomorphic tigers
living in the jungles of Malaysia, to
bloodthirsty werecats of Japan who would prey
on humans for sustenance, tales of werecats
rival their more well-known werewolf cousins in
number.

As a werecat, you are aggressive, fiercely
independant, short-tempered and prone to
violent outbursts. You can also be very kind
though, by protecting those you care for from
those who wish to do them harm. Those who
befriend you are very lucky (as long as they
stay on your good side!)

Who is your inner Shapeshifter?
brought to you by Quizilla

F:
Your Beauty lies
in Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects. You appearance and your personality are two opposite things. Even your appearance sends different signals to different people. To some you may look innocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious and intimidating at the same time. No one ever knows what to expect with you. You are a little bit of everything all mixed together. You can be watching the football game with the
guys one minute and the next out shopping at the mall. You seem to be almost a different person every time you meet someone, but at the same time you know exactly who you are and there is always that one thing that makes you you. You enjoy keeping people guessing and people love how completely unpredictable you are.

Some Things
That Represent You:

Element: Fire, Water
Animal: Chameleon
Color: Dark Tones, Light Tones
Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression: Half-smile

Gemstone:Opal
Mythological Creature: Gryphon, Half-breeds
Planet: Mars
Hair Color: Red
Eye Color:Brown

Quote:
"Appearances can be deceiving."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

roll it

:: 2004 10 December :: 6.58pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: My December; Linkin Park-Reanimation

Look What I Found
Heh, I found this in my notebook. I need to get a new one, there's hardly any paper in this one anymore, I used it all. Because I'm fat and I hate trees. No, I'm kidding, trees should kill us. Wouldn't that be a sight to see? A tree with a hatchet. Fun.

So, here it is, slightly modified.

The air stings my eyes like a swarm of angry wasps
A thousand needles throbbing in the pupils of my eyes
Look at all the people walking passed me in the halls
So freely and so gaily frolicking
My stomach churns and writhes inside of me
How sickening it is to see them smile
But how can I think such things?
I can tell you, because they think the same things about me.
Relentlessly.
Look at the little morbid girl
Clad in all black she is, her eyes trained on the feet in front of her.
How depressing.
We all wish she would shut up and leave,
It was a better place without her to begin with.
I think I'm going to cease trying for unattainable goals
Such high expectations will only be my downfall
They're only going to let me down in the end
Lower them, that's all I can do to be truely happy.
Down and down, beneath the worms.
That's the way it always is
The way my feelings project to the so-called 'friends' I keep.
Trying to relieve my pain through a keyboard
Sigh, how depressing...

It sucked a whole lot worse than this, but raw emotion beats fancy words anyday. Rage, depression, hostility, all wrapped and tied with a ribbon of hatred.

:: 2004 6 December :: 5.09pm
:: Music: In This World(Murder)-GC

Thank you.
I feel a little happier.

Thank you.

:: 2004 25 November :: 2.31pm
:: Mood: artistic

Damn
I've been trying to put myself down so people don't see the inside of me. I try to seem depressed, morbid. Why do I do the things that I do? I say my facade is happy, but it is also that of sorrow.

Do I want people to feel sorry for me? This journey is mine and mine alone. Mine to discover why, who, what. But for some reason it seems I'm still at the starting line, my feet rooted to the ground.

It's uncanny, I thoguht I knew myself. But to my surprise, I found out that I didn't. I like people to think I'm victimized, I want the attention. I want people to notice me, not just pass me on the street and look away.

I want people to stop and I want to engage in friendly conversation. Maybe not friendly, but inane banter is better than being ignored, though I know I'm being a hypocrite by saying such things.

I want more than anything for you to hold me and whisper how important I am. How, without me, your life would come crashing down. Give me that power and maybe I'll tell you 'I love you'.

I need to be consoled all the time. I need you to tell me I'm worth it. I thought he hadn't scarred me this horribly, but maybe he did. Are all those years of neglect and abuse the reason for my constant need of victimization and attention? Is it why I dress so outrageous? To stand out so people will ask, why?

What if I would have grown up with my darling mother? Would things have been different?

I can't be deprogrammed, but I wish I could be. I hate what I've become. I hate it and... it's just like HIM. I don't want to be like that fat, egotistical asshole.

I seek out a technical genius. Where is my little thief? Jocelyn, where have you gone?

4 meters | roll it

:: 2004 21 November :: 5.17pm

You say you have nothing that inspires you anymore?

Funny, me either.