::
2007 4 February :: 7.51 pm
i mostly feel like mostly who i mostly am mostly started in january two thousand four. i also feel, and am glad, that i will never feel that seething, dirty, selfish need again, because i know what would happen. and i'm not saying the thoughts aren't there, but at least i don't have that curiousity about exactly what would happen and wondering if i would fear death or not.
the answer is yes. dying sucks.
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::
2007 4 February :: 3.42 pm
it's getting hard to breathe.
i don't want to make anything special, because i'm afraid that if something goes wrong.... i don't want to say those three words until i'm actually ready. because i know they only leap to mind out of habit.
i don't feel out of place awkward. in fact, i don't feel much awkward anymore. i didn't before this, only at the uncertainty unrehearsed unprecedented lips-pressed -----
but now i'm [we're?] settling in, starting to. my trust in you rarely falters.
i didn't realize this before, but somehow, this gets worse every time i see you. perhaps i'm letting old habits of holding-back melt away; i never thought i'd get that way if i just let go..
why is it that every time i write, it's about coexistence and emotions? why is so much of my existence and work so emotion-centric, as well? i don't do it if i don't feel it. everything is sensory perception; external and internal. there's an exchange for me, what is outside, comes in, mixes things up a bit, and before i know it, it's being spouted back out in words or pictures.
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::
2007 2 February :: 10.04 am
should really write more, and it really should be in here.
scentreek fingers smokchemical; i'm having difficulties. not raising you up. my dumb words and my open mouth and space we shouldn't have to fill. in plain words, in my dream last night, i struggled to say, 'i just don't think i'm used to this. to someone actually acting like they care. like they give a shit.'
and yet, i hold back. standoffish, in the distance. i want you to stay real. i'm so afraid of falling into that trap and i just don't know what to say or what to do or how to act to prevent that. and it's been two and a half years where i've been givinggivinggiving, attached to someone, to the point where i'm not really sure anymore who i am when i'm not relative to someone else i want to know. maybe better than myself. maybe i'm ignoring myself. the mirror is dirty, is it a window? where's the backing? cracks? fractalighteningtrees run through--
when i first wake up, or when i'm falling asleep, sometimes all the questions are just glaringly clearly answered. i don't think i'm scared. i just want to prevent an ending too early. [and maybe just a bit convexed.]
-- |
::
2006 18 October :: 2.27 pm
summer '06, the hospital tour
keep thinking i died that day. not really something i should believe, because i never lost consciousness.
i can't help it. i don't want to help it. this is exciting. hopefully, i'll never
aha, what happened to that false burning in this chest?
i remember yesterday, one line 'haven't been that scared since i was in the ambulance' haha laughed afterward
fingers on fog
but i tried to explain the misbeats and suddenly realized
maybe no one else feels that
so three harsh thuds like bursting water balloons
and my fingers are on my wrist and all i can do is
concentrate on my heartbeat
like in the hospital, just like that
waiting for it to stop. hoping it doesn't.
still breathing, still beating.
----
almost. see, every day it changes. cast-a-glance. uninstantaneous. unreturned. inaction forseeable in the future, believable, because i am not alone.
but if the fear ever grips me of
too early, commitment, all this search for 'perfection, perfection' coming conclusively to an end at the ripe old age of nineteen
i may love you, but i need to grow up first.
-- |
::
2006 11 October :: 1.47 pm
'didn't change
but not the same'...
exactly.
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::
2006 29 September :: 1.39 am
again.
hit me again.
right in the face. right where it hurts. come on. cut to the bone.
right where it hurts the most. right there. yes
the pain
god, that fucking hurt.
but hey. tyler durden, right?
back up in his face, shake that face
bleed right on you
in your pretty little mouth
and YOU were the one who left
and i just sit here laughing.
-- |
::
2006 28 September :: 9.15 pm
avoidance due to name...
attempted suicide led to hospital, three days of rebound black-to-white. back out in life, get a job, go to therapy. but happiness comes from inside. i'm recovering. i'm okay. i'm meeting people. i'm loved. it's ok. everything's different. everything's okay.
i just can't stand the name 'rek'; the beast; but.. she's just a character. drawing her doesn't hurt. letting me hurt me.. that is it. the beast is something else.
got a damn spine, finally.
conversion->writing.
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::
2006 28 August :: 12.56 pm
fervor frenzy drink it all down water pills
thank you, you have no idea what you've done, sam. you have no idea what you have pulled out from under me and what you have confirmed. i had hope once that i was actually okay and that someday i'd be back to normal again. but now i know i will never change back. i will never be enough for anyone... not just that.... i really am just stupid and worthless,i am that nothing, i am that horrible feeling you get when something you never thought would happen finally does. fear confirmation.
before i used to get myself with caution. slowly. now all i want to do is stab, stab, stab, swallow as fast as i can, i'm not afraid,i jsut want it to be over.
i'm not sorry. this is everyone's fault [except dominic's]. this is what you get for turning your back on me.
-- |
::
2006 28 August :: 12.41 pm
past the point of no return [?]
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::
2006 28 August :: 2.34 am
please god just kill me now
the fucking life stolen out from under me, i am so blind, i want to kill them SO BADLY. i am such an idiot. i can't stand it. i can't stand it cant'STAND IT
not bebe
no
this isn't fair..... this isn't even logical... this... man.. that thing fucking meant everything to me... i haven't even paid for it yet. for two years, man. for two or three years i will have to pay $40 a month for something i can't even drive anymore because i'm such a fucking IDIOT i can't STAND IT
-- |
::
2006 22 August :: 8.30 pm
:: Music: H.; apparitions
no goodbye ------- mystery
the people who used to keep me from it no longer are there, or no longer care like i thought they did. this in itself is one of the reasons why i keep coming back to it.
work work drudge drudge soul leaves body early.
the walls keep coming down brick by brick. i show a lot more nowadays. i care a lot less about keeping up appearances as well. [slip away, fade away]
i can't stop thinking about how i should have jumped from that capula last summer. oh, man, how i should have. years ago i should have. who knows how many times it's come up in the past six years? at least every couple of months, sometimes with periods lasting months themselves, and then nothing for a while, and then something in life will trigger it, and it's cut cut google methods where's that guitar cord how high is that window how deep is that river... it's so damn obvious that it's never going to get 'better' or go away.
no, well, when someone was there constantly who was a tiny bit worse off than me in that department, i had to pull their weight to keep them alive, and didn't really think of it very often in that length of time that we lived together. when all i have is myself...
oh, there's nothing i can do. right now life is going over my coping thresholds. my cries of 'help' are too often, yet too sporadic to be taken seriously; death is wolf. besides... i am a bother. why make people worry when i know i don't have the courage or the methods to really get it right this time? i'll just let them think that i actually hate myself [which i don't, in spite of everything].
i refuse to call you and make you feel hurt at the fact that i think this, because i know it would seem like what we have isn't 'enough' to keep me alive.
i know being alone so often is like sinking into a hole. i know being with you removes me from that. i wish i could see you more often; it really surprises me how clearly and fully okay [better than okay] i can be when you're around.
ughhh, and i still have to go to work tonight...
-- |
::
2006 21 August :: 9.40 am
my scabs are peeling; i hadn't realized i could heal this easily, or this fast.
-- |
::
2006 18 August :: 1.31 am
Life's for the living, so check me tomorrow -- we'll see if I'm kidding.
Push and push and push till it hurts.
Did it on Ritalin - I got me some good grades, now, I work me the night shift...
Where I
pull and pull and pull
till it hurts
Pull
and
pull
till it hurts
-- |
::
2006 17 August :: 6.49 pm
once i foray into new environments that require desicions that i will be stressed to make, and have absolutely no experience to do so, that is when, again, i will make the wrong desicion.
i don't remember if i've ever thought for sure if anything was the right desicion. i know right now applying to kendall was a bad one and going to michigan and spending all that money on the laptop and the train was a bad desicion. i know not going to kendall in the end was a bad desicion. i know basing all of my faith on a school that ended up not working out was a very bad desicion. i know back in high school not going to ECA that last year was a bad desicion. pretending i was someone else was a bad desicion. staying here in danbury for the summer was most likely not the best route to take. and yes, dropping out of school will be, by pretty much everyone's standards, a very, very, bad desicion, seeing as i have an opportunity to go to school & get some kind of degree when a lot of people don't.
i, eternally, a fool.
empty.
unhappy.
if i damage myself then i do hate myself.
sake + knife - maybe this time i'll be able to do it!
-- |
::
2006 17 August :: 5.55 pm
idiot, i AM an idiot, idiot idiot idiot.
i can't make any desicions, definitions of self are pulling at me constantly - this way that way this way that way - all of them making sense and i have to 'make a desicion'
make a desicion! make a desicion! do it! now! predict your own future! kill your happiness or kill your sadness! it all depends on you! you have to know your life NOW NOW NOW or else it'll all be over
i just see no point in it all
yeah, i'll feel happiness, yeah i'll feel pain, yeah i'll have sex and i'll be depressed and i'll lose relatives and welcome new ones, i'll work and be productive and have blocks and i'll be injured and i'll lose myself to one thing after another after another -- after my loved ones are lost, after another after another --
i'll find new music and i'll get vehicles and there'll be wars and injustices and i'll find things i didn't know exist
and i'll see certain parts of the world. maybe, if i'm lucky. but i won't be able to see it all.
but it doesn't matter because life is always just the same things over and over again in different formats.
if we are everything anyway, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing to liberate myself from this consciousness.
-- |
::
2006 14 August :: 10.46 am
in my dream, you were there when i got out of school [high school again, strange strange strange]. at first, i didn't recognize you -- your hair was different, blondish in this dream, and longer. [fabio hair, now that i think of it, which is quite hilarious considering.] then you just gave me this look like, 'hello.. it's me???' and i was like 'oh!' and ran and greeted you. then you were driving this open-top car and rachael and dan were in the back, and i was in the frontseat with you. you were slightly miffed, and i asked you what was bothering you. you didn't quite reply, but then it came to me. i asked, 'wait, today's monday, isn't it?' i knew i was right, that you were annoyed because before, i'd whined so much about seeing you that you came down to see me early on monday instead of tuesday and were kind of pissed off about having to come down early.
i wondered out loud if you'd had to get out of work early to come pick me up at that time [2-3 pm]. i don't remember quite how you were putting it but you didn't seem to be bothered by it. eventually, though, you started talking about how you had killed your boss [like, literally, exactly how you went about doing it]. i don't remember if it bothered me greatly that you did, but if it had been a big deal to me in the dream i'm pretty sure i would have remembered.
and then josh was in the car, and said something about you two being related. and i was like, 'huh! so you guys ARE related! didn't i just say something the other day about you looking like a kid i knew in high school? well, that's him!'
-- |
::
2006 10 August :: 2.23 am
Suffering is justified as soon as it becomes the raw material of beauty.
- Jean-Paul Sartre, In Suffering
Do unto others what has been done to me,
Do unto others what has been done to you.
[tool, 'prison sex']
so in this equation:
[assuming we are dealing with people who will be able to convert suffering into beauty]
suffering -> beauty; do to others what has been done, suffering included; this way, beauty, then, spreads; like a virus, meme. suffer, suffer, beauty abounds. all depending, of course, on the people, society, etc.
if only we were able to turn all of our suffering into this. transient, yes, but momentary beauty can change you as much as momentary suffering.
-- |
::
2006 8 August :: 9.53 pm
something's going to happen, i can feel it, i know what it is and i don't want it to--
this is not fear, closer to anxiety--
god, i wish i could just fucking defend myself-- so damn defenseless even when i try-- it sickens me.
-- |
::
2006 3 August :: 6.05 pm
six
seven
set me free
-- |
::
2006 3 August :: 5.18 pm
now that you're gone
i'm going to start pulling inwards, i am already, i can feel it.
but anything else i don't know, i'm not too sure of.
every desicion i've made has been the wrong one. a wrong turn off of another wrong turn. took a uturn for a moment after i saw a sign but realized that, too, was the wrong direction. and now, in front of me, tenfold thousand way intersection, and each
and every
road
is the wrong one.
there is no right way. which means that no matter what road i choose, the easiest, the hardest, the stupidest, the smartest, it will be the wrong one anyway.
i have no direction. i am alone and words don't penetrate or make sense. i pushed everyone out so i could make room for more, but sadly faltered before i could accomplish that last necessary step.
maybe the roads are all right and i am just the thing that is wrong.
unfixable.
-- |
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