::
2006 3 August :: 12.56 am
and every now and then this will ring through my ears, recognized and felt,
all the doubts i could not face,
all this time i wanted more
with a line i mark the past
as a symbol of beginning.
i have no doubt from what i've seen that i have never wanted more.
-- |
::
2006 2 August :: 10.39 am
:: Music: tuna in the brine
i am sick; maybe i am sick; i am a mess; where is everyone i need? not here, right now. not here.
three or four hours of sleep. i weigh 98 lbs, i can feel my bones jutting into each other, my legs, hips, arms when i lie down. i am terribly hungry but i cannot eat; i get overcome with this horrible sick feeling in my stomach when i do so it feels less bad to just not eat than to eat and be doubled over.
my mind is falling apart. probably from the lack of sleep; or; just everything; i think my emotions are running havoc through my body.
she'stryingtohurtmeshe'stryingtohurtmeshe'stryingtohurtme
this heat makes it hard to exist [let's pretend we're in antarctica] now what i wouldn't do, what i wouldn't fucking do, to be back on that futon shivering in the morning, oh, cold, huddled, we do the same things, it's so funny, right, i don't have to guess anything.... cold again with you.
now i can't tell if i have been sick since i left you or just because of that shitty ramen i ate the day after we met [haven't seen you since, really, not really] but honestly would ramen last this long? maybe a couple days, two at most, not five like this.
when i get over this
it'll be like someone pressed the reset button and i'm back to junior year, sophomore even, except knowing what not to do a little more. i fixed my social inabilities with her but in return gained cruelty and lost myself. now it's come full circle and i see everything i used to be and everything i am and when she's gone like this, when we're finally disconnected to the fullest with no intent otherwise, i am, i can finally go back to normal--
or maybe it was that chance meeting with you to remind me of exactly who i am, what i see in the world, the stars are still here after i've been neglecting them for stupidities in stop and shop and doing whatever she wanted...
the house is shaking
i am losing it
i need my fucking trees i need shade and leaves and i need to never
never
NEVER
NEVER FUCKING AGAIN
will i lose that beauty.... never will i lose what i love. touch the ground, feel the roots, sun shining through, i love this place, my home--
not for the people, no, just for the trees--
head out the window half out screen up one leg on the roof staring at the sky and i finally remembed the name for cassiopeia again, because that is what is important. cassiopeia cassiopeia cassiopeia. eighteen months without you, constellation, little stars above. the door is open.
thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
for reminding me who i really am
everything can be okay, i have to remind myself. everything -is- going to be okay... [as long as i have music i can think straight]-
okay, okay, okay. swallow that sickness, i've let it hold on to me for too long, swallow it down and do what needs to be done so when i see you again---
aha ha... because i will---
i can show you how strong i can be.
-- |
::
2006 1 August :: 8.22 pm
so blind, didn't realize it -- this inability to eat isn't from a stomach virus. shaking and shivering that night wasn't because i was cold.
someone i think who can actually understand rek--
-- |
::
2006 31 July :: 9.51 pm
how can someone out there actually want to live the same way i do...?
all my secret thoughts..? plans..? you know them, i know you know them, i dont even have to tell you. you don't have to tell me anything. we just know.
[this is what it feels like]
[fourarms, hurt, wounded, painful bleeding heart. but with pain and hurt comes healing and learning. with one end came a new beginning, better than the last, better than the one before that.]
-- |
::
2006 30 July :: 11.05 pm
this is the craziest summer ever;
the people i'm seeing, meeting, using, losing
loving, hating, fighting, crying
laughing, eating,
smiling
and then
alone
you; you; you; you; you; instantaneous. i know your color, your animal, i know you, like this, i know you, amnesia for our pasts we forgot because
we've known each other forever, really
who is like this except meant-to-be's?
-- |
::
2006 29 July :: 2.44 pm
felt happiness again for the first time in a while today;
transient [i love everything]
[beautiful]
[connections]
not going to ruin this by figuring it out. just going to let it flow.
-- |
::
2006 29 July :: 12.38 pm
all those people, they are their own world, their own art form. i should have never left; their mere existence is inspiring. we just watch them, take something maybe, try to compare. admire, wonder. keep an eye on them and ask where they are -- elusive, incomparable.
twelve hours, fastest best friend made out there. who knows if i'll ever see you again? and that doubt, that's crazy.
don't lose touch. i'm tired of losing touch with people. this is a different swing of things, i'm finding now, not losing.
-- |
::
2006 22 July :: 9.11 pm
i am not myself.
i am not: my handle, or the name my mother gave me, the name people know me by. that is all that's just used for: people. other people, picking me out from the crowd. because i may not know who i am, or be too sure about where i stand in the world, but i am still kind of someone, somehow, a self-aware organism, and just one.
i am not my characters. they are not really anything besides mirrors showing mirrors of other mirrors. whoever was the first person to put animals and humans together, thousands of years ago in the first religions, they should be credited with that. everything i do.. create... just a meme, virus, spread around, taken and stolen and used -- from other people, from the natural world, from the world that somehow the past evolved into now. i don't own felines or the color red or blood or metal or black, i don't own grass or sky. i don't own blue eyes and brown fur and ragged clothes. it's just a combination of things that are already invented a thousand times over.
however, there are parts of me that i can tell: reactions. i have perceptions and strengths and a belief in my own will power. personality particles. these peices of my personality react certain ways to the world. i have always had an innate need and desire to create; or perhaps i decided at a very young age that creating gave me something incomparable to other things. i had to have some kind of will to stand up to social norms, even with other people backing me who do the same or similar things. somewhere in seventh grade i decided what i wanted to turn into -- i was not my mother's doll, even though she was just dressing me in things that weren't all that bad. any way i see it... this is my stance on the world; i reflect to you and you and you certain things that you recognize so you know how to deal with me and my opinions, which depends on personality, growth, innate things. [the ol' nature vs nurture.]
maybe the process of what i use is who i am...? it is, somehow, a relation to the world: taking, and giving back. reflecting.
i connect with people who show the same traits i feel pride for: intelligence, creativity, and willpower.
oh, and i was wrong about you before. you... aren't weak. i'm sorry i made that assumption, i'm sure many, many people have made that before. but if you were weak, you wouldn't be such the person you are now. you react initially, loudly, emotionally. you show all the pain and you cry. but instead bowing down and taking it, you show people up, you prove to them you're not what they say you are. and that, really, isn't that what it's all about...? you just need time for it, i would guess. not something that can be judged on a fifteen-minute stint, conversation, street fight. but premature judgement is something we're both prone too, at least sometimes.
-- |
::
2006 21 July :: 1.17 am
:: Music: foxcub
No more trying
Too much terribleness these days
And what you thought was true
Well, they were lying to you
And made a kid cry
So did you change the locks?
And did you hide the fox cub?
Don't make fun
Because we don't
me,
always afraid someone will be making fun,
always hiding that little fox
he was just love, i know.
i didn't know, though, what to do. better hide than get hurt.
change the locks. put him away. forget everything and just be blank.
-- |
::
2006 19 July :: 10.39 pm
bandage wings: healing & freedom [from the past, good and bad alike].
-- |
::
2006 19 July :: 6.28 pm
:: Music: watch tv
a thousand things i've been wanting to say since that moment that stretched hours. hours of waiting, hesitancy, doubt.
{touch. smile. talk. braid, tattoo, things that have changed about us, but you look exactly the same. and i feel exactly the same [like i don't know what to do about you]. and i wish i'd said a proper goodbye but i don't think i'd ever said a proper hello in the first place. [you look like her/she looks like you]}
a bridge over the past, perhaps. those shining lights lit up. colored spectrum and movement but it wasn't for our eyes that we were there; it was our ears and our hearts.
music from the past. when i hear those songs now i can't think of what they used to be. i'm paving over and replacing and someone's said i'm different and maybe i'm changing maybe i've changed. but that's on purpose, don't you see? i didn't say a proper goodbye, i'm saying goodbye today,
fuck you because i can't say goodbye to you today.
you don't understand because i can't explain.
without her i wouldn't have been there in the first place or liked you so much so that my life is like it is now. without her i wouldn't be so distressed now. she flows through people like water [nina is right] and i am one drop. honored that i could be even part of the stream.
[this is how i am with people, distant]
we held each other's hands for so long. we're still growing up and we didn't realize it, and now when we need to part our hands, our nerves have fused. there's no way to do it now without hurting ourselves.
you don't really see my past in the right way, if you didn't want to go to that concert with me.
love. hate, fear. i should have waited until you were gone, but i'm bad at hiding and you're good at prodding it out of me. when i was there i couldn't help but think that i need someone else. i need someone strong but not so much that i don't lean on. your reluctance and blindness and just weakness and assumptions about people that are allsowrong, they all just get to me.
thought i dissapointed me with my lack of emotions there, now, when i'm alone, and realize what's happened instead of just watching watching from a distance... no, my emotion's aren't dead [yet]. still need to cry, though.
soullikeleather tough tough i can take being alone ok, ok?
-- |
::
2006 13 July :: 1.04 am
opposite of constance -- black, dark blue, stillness. for a moment i thought i was staring at someone new and then i remembered, oh yes. lazeyka.
funny how one would think her opposite would be 'enemy'; but that is not always the case. more like the matter of magnets - opposites attract. at least, to lazeyka.
what a blow, even so;
realizing that one you know
[rek win, sing,
she could never love you back
that loophole, it does not work]
now i'm lost.
that dog, like a lot of organisms, only exists because there was a moment of heart-leap. and it's funny because it's her favorite. and it's funny because i overestimated. and it's funny because i thought i loved her for a split moment two years ago and i've never met her and she lives somewhere far away with someone she truly does love; across rivers and mountains, i too share the same fate. except she never thought any of the awkwardness between us was because of anything except shyness and reverence on both of our sides. i shouldn't have made assumptions like that, on my behalf; but if i hadn't, that dog wouldn't exist.
these people tie up my brain, circle around like highways, flow in and out like blood. these people i've never met, only a few, and yet we are all tied together in one way or another. one at a time, we'll see each other, look each other in the eyes. how many of us can say we've never met our best friend...?
i'll near one, say; then i'll want to see them in the eye. it's so easy. ever since i met molly and natasha it's seemed so feasable. suddenly, no one was their character or their screen name. no one was their handle. people became human, flawed and real; there is a flesh being on the other side of these cables and satellite-feed.
[this is what conventions are for, i guess?]
-- |
::
2006 10 July :: 11.20 pm
queen/king
she rules us all,
we put her up there,
we watch in despair as she leaves us.
who is the one left that everyone flocks to? the next best thing, in her productions; inherently obvious she is just mimicing, and then grew from that, but
we flock anyway.
we listen.
and i hate you for hating yourself; you are making me loathe you with your self-loathing.
i wish i'd talked to the people i looked up to. we could have a good relationship. we could be exchanging letters.
well,
i still have a second chance,
across the continent,
lazeyka will find you
because he wouldn't be here without you.
without her
first
no one would be.
-- |
::
2006 10 July :: 11.12 pm
can't stop ruing that summer when
so maybe i'm wrong to
maybe
possibly, interfering with someone's life, but i feel like i've been in your position before but
at the same time
i am not you.
so i am just adding words of caution
maybe to save you the trouble.
no one ever listens to those words, though
flowing endlessly out of parents, seniors, ears sewn shut on us.
it is a given, somehow.
it is a given, until it happens to you.
in a year when you have to seriously consciously think about how to talk to new people, and find it impossible to,
will you remember that -------?
i was just trying to save you the trouble.
-- |
::
2006 29 June :: 12.57 am
in the end, i am not a stupid ho, i am not worthless, and i am not weak. this night proved it.
despite the shortness of words, despite how i might have looked to those people, i am just proud i stood up to them. how i defended the person i loved, however badly that desicion was to do it physically. i wish i could have gotten one good shot at that bitch's face. but it's okay, because i will end up in a better place.
whenever i think i'm doing badly in life, i should look back at that white trash nobody and think, i'll never be her. i'll never be a drunk or a whore or a speed addict picking fights on the street because there's nothing to lose in her meaningless life.
stupid ho. i grin. i'm better. stupid fucking ho, ha ha ha ha.
-- |
::
2006 28 June :: 1.39 am
and maybe i'm turning something else into something more special than it is...
i just want to be in michigan. so i can start new already. i'll get my hair cut, i'll clean myself up; when i set up my things they'll be clean and organized and all set; i'll get myself a moped liscence and i'll be awesome. and i'll be all on my own.
the amazing thing is that i dreamt about these things so many times in the past and i never thought i had a chance to actually do them. here i am, making plans to move, oh eight two oh oh six. across hills and maybe other countries, a fourth of the way across the country. i'm making my way there. one bit at a time. one phonecall at a time, one dollar at a time, one day at a time, one word at a time. progression is beautiful.
this is my opportunity. seize this chance. take it. i can start fresh here...
-- |
::
2006 28 June :: 1.02 am
my self confidence is still going down. i don't understand what it's about. i keep telling myself -- and really, actually believing it -- that i'm not worth certain things, or that people really don't like me, and that i'm not worth their time. i keep worrying and worrying and worrying that i can't really keep up with the demands that are required of me. i am insufficient. my abilities are insufficient. if i copped out on life, only a spare few would miss me; i am not someone who everyone knows or thinks is special. i am not really special at all. not really creative, not really intelligent. i just am, but i am not enough, i guess. i say this in a factual way.
i am so jealous of anyone who doesn't have to worry about ever falling flat on their face, not being able to afford food, not being able to go to the college they really should be going to. i don't want to go to yale or anything, i just want to go to art school, but apparently that's too much.
i worry, what is my dad setting me up for? $40 a month for this? it's probably worth it, but at the same time, where the fuck am i going to get that money? then again, i can afford a cell phone bill, so why not this, right...? i wish i just at least had my liscence so i could drive it. freaking state laws. guh.
i don't like worrying so much about things, about everything... i used to be able to tell myself, things will be okay and end up okay in the end, and believe it. now i can't because they're not. i'm on my way to ending up alone again, this time in a place i don't know very well. i'm on my way to ending up in debt and broke.
i don't understand what's wrong with me, how i can't keep up with shit. i put stuff up for sale, art that i put my heart into coloring, and nobody gives a damn. no one gives a damn about me struggling for food and bills because that's every other sob story on the street. and i try to keep my head up by selling other things, old objects that cost however much money that i don't use anymore, and hope maybe that someone will buy it. i am a pathetic salesman. my wares are not as great as i had believed. no wonder not many people buy anything.
i'm a pathetic person, really. the kinds of food i eat i really can't afford. my views are so much better than everyone else's. i used to be able to understand everyone else. now i kind of can but mostly just want things to be seen my way... how bullheaded.
the thing is, i miss the nineties. i miss not worrying about this shit. believing i was independent enough. i miss my confidence and anger, miss my naivety, miss drawing for the fun of it, miss writing in a journal no one else can read. being my own person, tucking it away in a few paper leaves, and forgetting about it. i miss rek. i miss the nature, i miss beatrice. nostalgia attacks, you know, almost like an allergy.
i'm not so angry when i'm alone, it seems.
-- |
::
2006 20 June :: 1.17 pm
i told you it was over... i'm not so sure what's going on now, when we have to live with each other still. it's impossible, really.
you don't listen. you don't respect me... why do you make it seem like i am just a toy? just a joke? someone to piss off for a laugh with no thought towards them whatsoever. you didn't hear me when i said to stop it, you don't care about the words that come out of my mouth, about how you make such a deal about wanting to be with me, about me saying i love you, and then you turn around and and and.... you think i'm just this funny little shit you can laugh at and mock to get even more laughs. you have no respect for me, why should i have any for you? i do, though, not like it matters anyway.
i was just trying to find my glasses. i sincerely believe we wouldn't have started fighting if you hadn't started pushing all my buttons like you know how to do so well. i was trying to keep it under control, keep things logical, answer you without getting angry, and i was doing okay until you just.. started.. acting like i was an idiot, mocking the way i looked at you and telling me i was needy and dependent and then when i replied you just mimicked everything i said.
you deserved it. you never fucking learn. maybe you will this time.
-- |
::
2006 20 June :: 1.15 pm
"do not dance on wasp nests and expect to not get stung"
i dunno. sometimes maybe the wasps should refrain from stinging.
-- |
::
2006 16 May :: 6.50 pm
not so much 'never give up' as 'never stop caring'...
you stop caring, you lose. you lose that something that made you feel above the rest...
-- |
|