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2005 26 September :: 6.57 pm
i am, or should i say, i know myself, so i know my emotional standing and attachment is threatened, so i avoid social contact and avert my eyes. i think, though, that this is starting off better than a lot of other things did. i am also firmer in my attachment than with anyone else. i told myself i wouldn't go floating off with anyone just because they happened to appear. too precious to lose, and based on fact, not fiction. not worth the chance to try.
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2005 26 September :: 5.41 pm
her eyes
they pin me back down to what i want to befeelknowcontinue.
her hands, too, they find me when mine forget to find hers.
and every time i see her, her features... something about the subtleness of the future them pulling me back
i don't know, rubber bands.
i taste alcoholicbeverage in the back of my throat.
i push the air out of my mouth,
i hear that familiar little sound that everyone can hear.
lips against glass.
stable sense of structure falls apart when that chemical is in my body and instead,
my lips are against hers.
embed src ="i love you" continue="true"
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2005 24 September :: 7.58 pm
without is when
the in comes out? is that right?
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2005 19 September :: 6.20 pm
there are always times i ask, is it worth the sacrifice [to change]? to run? that moment of dropping....
beatrice...
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2005 14 September :: 11.15 pm
somehow this has replaced, so fast, reality; actual human contact; speaking to people in person. brings laziness. hatred. feigned life. :/
fuck internet.
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2005 9 September :: 1.42 pm
sometimes it's like we are the only happy people in the universe.
well, on good days.
.sar olleh
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2005 24 August :: 6.21 pm
it's noodletime.
:on that diversity is not just necessary, but inevitable; with every effort for homogenization, within those categories that have been samed are the potentials for something new to develop - nothing stays the same for long.
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2005 23 August :: 1.48 pm
i sleep terribly at home, and have bad dreams. only here.
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2005 21 August :: 11.42 pm
On Kimbrs.
k4 tr1 3n: my current analysis of kimbrsssssss is that she comes from a wealthy family but is not altogether VERY bright, but gets by pretty well; she doesn't realize how much she has and therefore takes what she has for granted. still, she tells herself that she knows how much of an advantage she has, and wants to help the 'poor people' to try and even this out. she doesnt' realize that doing this is just making her feel superior because having such a job puts you in power over other people's lives and makes you feel a savior which you may or may not be.
ooh indigestion: yup
k4 tr1 3n: also, she is fairly submersed in american culture and doesn't feel the need to really think about life any more than she needs to.
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2005 21 August :: 1.03 am
if i could ever reach the level of riddle/creative insane genius that [cerpintaxt] does.... and with nothing but myself. despite my former qualms i do not wish to reach the end julio does.
now what do we do
but pull a picasstein
and rewrite that.
[if i could.]
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2005 17 August :: 12.54 am
i'm assuming it's a good thing when you see a shooting star, and someone tells you to make a wish for something... you search your mind for what you want, what do you want that you could wish for? what have you been pining for? who? and nothing comes up.
i have everything... i will have everything[one] i need in less than ten days.
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2005 15 August :: 1.17 am
sometimes i think, 'i am definitely going to end up alone when i am old. i move too much for people.' but i don't know anything for sure, so i can't really say.
still, it's always seemed so so so plausible that i die alone.
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2005 10 August :: 2.16 am
i am about to cry for a lost world, a population i shouldn't give a damn about but somehow do.
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2005 10 August :: 2.01 am
why do i care..???
because i can feel myself slipping, deafening, blinding myself, letting myself go for... what? we are all lost. i see it and i don't know what to do. i see it happening to the most intelligent person i know. it's not a plague for the stupid, it never was. constant influx, and the nearingly inherent disability to just.. live.... without concrete.
i feel as if i am sacrificing myself for a sake i don't know the worth of. one small voice who tries to change things and ends up losing the points. disability. disability.
and this might be the best of the media but it's still the media.
i'm hungry, i'm sad, i'm tired, i'm falling apart and i am just
i am just watching it happen
and maybe even enjoying it
in this sick perverted way
falling ill
to me
[to this world.]
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2005 8 August :: 1.03 am
in this moment, again, 'failure'. however, there is little to no negativaty attached. i have just realized this. i am successful in the most 'unimportant' parts of life because i am a failure in others.
at least 'failure' is a solid word, and not undoing of itself as 'unsuccessful' is. failure is something. relativity, again.
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2005 6 August :: 11.48 pm
i am so lucky you found me.
[and i am not running away, and the lack of that was what i was looking for. the lack of everything i thought i was looking for was actually what i was looking for and i didn't realize it until i realized i was in love with you. and from that moment on my world revolved around you; everything i felt about you took me by surprise; etc etc etc.]
i miss you; my reason for living. i will crawl from a car wreck to make sure i see you once more.
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2005 6 August :: 8.54 pm
no mistake stands in line.
[no regrets?]
[missing?]
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2005 3 August :: 3.11 am
onlytheunspeakablefear.
that stupid, dull, somewhatsarcastic voice again - 'i should just die.'
i'm trapped. sleep is escape, not from the entire situation, but from the momentarily wanting to run, literally, taking everything and going. from feeling helpless and stapled down. tomorrow i may feel better, but it's only a chance because lately i have been waking up exactly how i felt when i went to sleep.
these voices converse in my head sometimes; "what do you want to do?" someone asks. [katrien? that would make sense.] 'ummm....' someone answers. sometimes it's a little girl's voice, sometimes other's. whatever i want, i answer it. 'sleep, for chrissakes.' sounds like ras.
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2005 30 July :: 2.11 am
when i get that feeling that brings the words 'i want to die' to my mind, it's not really that. i'm not sure. i've been able to segregate it into a falsity by saying it's just a result of being tired and overworked and on the post-caffiene low. but maybe it's more than that. something always longs for the most tragic of things to happen to me.
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2005 29 July :: 3.33 am
:: Music: the mars volta - televators
a first; true vulnerability.
i am at your every whim. i have never been at anyone's whim, ever. i am the one at who people have fallen to... i am not the one who this happens to.
k4 tr1 3n: i've always been the one with the power. i've always had something i could defend myself with. i've always had a thick skin and walls and masks to hide behind.
k4 tr1 3n: i don't have that anymore
k4 tr1 3n: not with you.
if this is love, i have never been in love before. your so-called flaws are glazed over and i look past them; if i see them, i love you no less. the lack of drama is what makes this so ... real. the reality of this is what scares me. one sentence you could tell me, and my world would crumble like i never imagined it would be able to.
i don't think i could ever look back on this as regret; i would just look back because there was nothing i could do to make myself less susceptible to you.
i have never been this vulnerable; the layer of skin that protected me is gone.
i am repeating myself, but it's in disbelief. this has never happened before..? this has never happened before, this is actually something that has never happened to me..
i can say so many times in so many ways but nothing would ever reach the level of fear i have at knowing this.
you have a weapon that will always be able to cut through, no matter how much armor i put up for everything else. if i am an army of ten thousand, we will fall dead at a wave of your hand if you were to command it. you split the atoms. you change the tides.
a life without you i don't think i could handle. if you were to end this, that is what scares me the most... that one point in my life, if happens, [pleasegoddon't,] is the one where i would be most likely to end it. and that has a reality to it that i don't want anyone to know.
and i can't put in true words, ever, exactly what i feel right now.
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