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:: 2005 28 July :: 1.16 am

kyrr says, i think you would be better of with my name. grins.
ras sips her butter tea. nods. yes, she replies, but mine is just as appropriate... anyway, i think it is better that we are two different people with two different names.
mm, complementary?
something like that.... erasmus shrugs. i don't know, it might be better to be whole with someone than being whole on your own.


maybe.

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:: 2005 25 July :: 3.48 am

i have no self control over certain things.

i am going to end up alone, like i originally suspected. in that house in the middle of the woods. i thought otherwise for a while, but that might have been.... i don't know. hopeful diversion. so i have somebody; i am too problematic for anyone to keep. i started thinking of cities, i started thinking of being social, and being happy. but true happiness, i see, my own only contentment that i get from you....

fuck, i don't know. telling myself i'll end up alone, somehow, is more reassuring than that i will end up with somebody for a length of time. relationships are such a gamble, and i am afraid of commitment at this point in my life.

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:: 2005 23 July :: 2.29 am
:: Music: the dead flag blues

my breath, my breath, my breath, it breathes this:
The car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn

We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death

The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

It went like this

The buildings tumbled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble and pulled out their hair

The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin orange haze

I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful..
These are truly the last days"


You grabbed my hand and we fell into it
Like a daydream or a fever

We woke up one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it's the valley of death

I open up my wallet
And it's
full
of
blood

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:: 2005 20 July :: 2.11 am

more and more and more, i am getting more and more and more tired of being
seeming like
this weak person, this fucking weakness seen by everyone

that

i

am

NOT.

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:: 2005 19 July :: 3.12 am

will you please

stop

pulling me backwards

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:: 2005 14 July :: 1.14 am
:: Music: denali

i can't see him a killer
i happened to glance in the mirror on my way out, these pants make me look decidedly male from the waist down, and i don't think i've been happier from something like that, everything has been surprising, surprising, surprising, a perfect equilibrium of genders, managing to be that neutral thing that doesn't exist by somehow balancing out both sides.
i don't know. everything i have been feeling, doing, noticing, spurofthemomentflashbackofthepresent emotions lately have been the awakening of absolute complete and utter honesty, truth, sincerity. and i can't beleive that all these years, i do believe i do very much believe that all these years i have been feeling fabricated emotions. that disgust today? i have not felt anything that deep. the fatigue i feel. the hate, the sadness. and i haven't felt love for anyone as deep as i feel for you. it always will be surprising.
the apathy is going. i am actually feeling i am actually feeling something oh my god and this started, i know, i can feel it, this all started the moment i realized i was in love with you. for fucking real, for the only time i ever have been, in its own sincerity.

i am changing. physical, emotional, mental, every state of being that i am is no longer who i was. this is why i am so lost as to my identity now... if who i was was me, and who i am is me, oh is it really possible that i am the same person?

no. i only have remnants now.


Reality; actuality.
often Truth: That which is considered to be the supreme reality and to have the ultimate meaning and value of existence.
value of existence is my own. supreme reality is my own. now, the layers are what's confusing..

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:: 2005 9 July :: 2.57 am

so this was my last day on earth, huh.

if i have to live without you, i have to live alone, if i have to live alone. if i have to. i have to. always. i just i always bring everyone down, i always. i fuck it up i run. i cause drama. i hate. this. self. thing. i am.
no, that didn't make sense.
if i am just like all the rest of them, i always am. i would rather be dead than live without you, adn living without you please don't say . i am always the same to everything even when things are different THIS WAS ACTUALLY DIFFERENT FOR ONCE FOR THE ONE TIME I NEEDED THE ONE TIME I WAS SEARCHING FOR the one time i had.

and it's ME ME ME it is myself, i am only myself and this is all i see, and this distress it's not the rightest thing.

i'm not worth it anymore.

i'm not worth the effort i put into living.


i'm alive and that's all i can say, i give up and i'm running away. once and for all. [or would.]

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:: 2005 9 July :: 2.43 am
:: Music: radiohead

down the river again.
again and again and again, i keep on turning away. running. always the answer, always the first reaction. to hang up. close the window. leave. die. it's all the same. where do i expect to go?

and i always come back, which is the worst part. i can't stay away from anything.

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:: 2005 7 July :: 1.39 am

erasmus in this moment, open. little costume is off, little bells that set her from mica, little illusion, little mask that fooled everyone. this was something different the whole time.
and she's
not very loud
or dramatic
or obvious
but very
very
there.

[edit] sorted. mica goes for the boys, erasmus for girls. each have different reactions to specific things. mica never gets past a certain level, but she makes it psychologically obvious. ras doesn't really make it very loud, but she makes it last, and she makes it special, because she doesn't choose very often.

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:: 2005 7 July :: 12.36 am

every once in a while, things go out of sync. at these times is when i realize that things were synchronized in frequency, that things were in harmony, in the first place. a lot of times it is my words, my reactions, which set things out of place. i feel, suddenly, as if reality is a song, complicated in all its levels of bass, treble, vibrato, melody, and rhythm; and suddenly, merely being, merely talking, i am out of tune. for a split second i lose the tempo.

this description doesn't do justice how completely out of it i feel when this happens; how i feel like if things hadn't righted themselves, reality would be lost in that second to chaos and i to madness.
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i would also like to take this chance to ask how audio wave frequencies are superior to the visual spectrum in art form.

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:: 2005 6 July :: 2.54 am

oh no the riddles this talk this place again

you are someone else

i am still r i g h t h e r e.

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:: 2005 6 July :: 1.10 am

i remember you last year. you were in a dream of mine. i almost fell for you. you were the reason lazeyka was born. you've dissapeared now...

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:: 2005 6 July :: 12.57 am

out of my temple

and i'm always left behind somehow, don't realize i should have tried until it's too late.

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:: 2005 6 July :: 12.28 am

mica+maikki=erasmus?

oh my god arron please stop. fuck. in out past over and over again, this whole year, this whole year starting from october... what was it all? it's gone now, that's what it is.


i hate it when i realize that mica didn't die, she didn't change, she's still there still the same and someone just suffocated her to drowning. the world of manipulated living is just that, manipulated, up until we get back to lazeyka and then i

shut it up, cut it off, stop remembering. you gave that up, don't you recall? you purposely stopped it. violently. very. turning over the whole fucking world in one giant upheaval, in less than two weeks. who did you damage? who did you kill? didn't you feel sick? didn't it get to you? and why are you regretting it, if it was the right desicion?
we all know i'm happier now.. honestly.
i'm sure, no sarcasm. was it worth the pain you caused?
.... if i am all that matters...no. it was me or him.
--------------------------------------
caught
i'm still a fake

i'm working on it, ireallyam. i'm getting back to normal i swear.

but i was still caught. i have no excuse. i have no self i what am i supposed to fall back on?

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:: 2005 5 July :: 1.01 am

WHY
do i
always
FUCK
everything
UP.


anywhere anywhere anywhere but here. and i, the stone, do crack from time to time.

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:: 2005 4 July :: 1.48 am
:: Music: mogwai - katrien

who is katrien???

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:: 2005 3 July :: 8.46 pm

world 1 - requiem for normality
arron, beatrice, cheka, lazeyka, constance, horace, jaeger, keesha, mica, mitsene, rek [requiem]

world 2 - manipulated living
kyrr, maikki, erasmus, katrien, subira, rek [arekstur]

intermediaries -
maikki, dreamscapers, krystalis

these being mostly parallels -- erasmus:mica, kyrr:keesha; katrien being the parallel of constance, and rek having a nearly identical self twinning both worlds - requiem and arekstur. some don't need/have [yet] a parallel. 'manipulated living' is far more ethereal and unreal an existence and reality.
on katrien and constance - both are base templates of other beings; that is, you see the repeated patterns of certain qualities on most other beings in their influence. krystalis is of constance influence, but somehow makes it to both.

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:: 2005 2 July :: 2.19 am

a crack in the mirror, a crack in the heart. a roar of thunder, it's lightening; a tiny crevass spreads across just as fast, looks just the same, each tendril splitting a little further like the lightening splits the sky. if i close my eyes... my veins can look the same.

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:: 2005 1 July :: 3.12 am

andsheandsheandshe

is this too close to occurence? i dont know i'm fsutpis falj;ifj i war war war fuck i c

but when i saw her in my head and when i had no control and did NOT expect it when my head raised up and fell back down again hard hitting hurting oh i'm losing it she's taking fuck fuck fuck fuck i don't want to be gone. i won't.. she doesn't speak. i just realized that i dont know her voice. just her actions.

at least it's still she and me and not just she.

dead.ontheside.oftheroad

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:: 2005 1 July :: 2.43 am

again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again

all i have is myself

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