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:: 2005 1 July :: 2.11 am

she doesn't get it. no one ever gets it...

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:: 2005 29 June :: 1.53 am

most of the animals that used to live in my soul have gone extinct. many abilities have. i am that bird i saw. i hop around, i raise my wings when threatened, i can do nothing. becoming harder to see the pretty things.. and beatrice is way too fucking quiet..... and just.. blah.

153 + 3 = 156.

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:: 2005 24 June :: 2.20 am

and then that damn truck came barreling at me, and took the need to die along with it, for about seven hours.

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:: 2005 23 June :: 12.33 pm
:: Music: nin - every day is exactly the same

if i were to admit i really won't, then all this commotion will have been for nothing. but i'm not really sure about not doing it, either.

i feel exactly the same as i did last night. i woke up and nothing was different. sixtythree more days of it peering in the window, if i'm to stay.

versus versus versus versus versus
mica won. again. as long as there's someone there who's thinking straight, who remembers, who thinks about anyone but me[usaccumulation], i can't go through with it. everyone else had just shut up and given up, or was advocating it.

so much of me feels dead, inadequate, wordless. i can talk in these entries because it's talking to myself. i can't seem to talk to anyone in reality....
just a little hi might fix that, if i could hear a voice.

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:: 2005 23 June :: 12.21 pm

I believe I can see the future
As I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now i never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around again.

Everyday is exactly the same.

I can feel thier eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yet I still pretend...
I can't remember how this got started,
But I can tell you exactly how it will end.


I am still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don't know
I don't know
idontknowidontknowidontknow.

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:: 2005 23 June :: 3.17 am

YET

FUCKING


AGAIN.

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:: 2005 23 June :: 2.14 am

all she does is keep coming back to herself, and all i want is to be listened to.

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:: 2005 23 June :: 1.22 am

looking up sedatives to kill myself, and i only want to buy the cheapest one. that's retarded. i'm going to be dead anyway.

70% chance the u.s. is going to be hit by weapons of mass destruction in ten years. i am way too close to NY to be safe.
the world is fucked, and i don't see the rest of my life as being good enough to live. it's entirely predictable. anything and everything.

i've stopped telling people and resorted to just rambling to myself with journals online... journals no one will read.


take the good with the bad... the thing is, i just want to die. sometimes i need excuses, sometimes i need to not feel bad when i know people are worse off than i am and they don't.
the people i know... in ten years you'll be dependent on any kind of chemicals to do anything. and i love you too much to have to see that.

yes, i'm being selfish. i always was. that's okay.


if i could make the summer, i'd be alright... but it's been twenty, thirty days and there's already been one or two serious, serious close instances. work isn't helping. the fact that i think i know everything and how everything will be doesn't help either.
good things will happen, and then bad things will too. i know. in the bad things, for the rest of my life, i'll just be seeing that option i'm seeing now.

the people who experience this go to emergency rooms. they say if you have it planned out, then you're in serious trouble. i've had things planned out for a couple years now. i don't know why i do it. no, i do... it's the people around me. and i'm afraid. but the fear is only lasting so long, only doing so much. and talking to these people.. each time.. is something less.. something less is said.
keeping up appearances....


might be tonight, might be tomorrow. the day after. i don't know. i really don't..

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:: 2005 21 June :: 4.10 am

accountspayableaccountsrecievable


i need sleep but i just feel so sick so sick so sick without you waking up to you, i float off in day dreams a n d twentyminutesgoesby a n d i'm still thinking of the clarity the clarity of those moments i remember without consciously recalling it. the smell the feel the comfort in the discomfort.

fpfpfpfpfpfpff

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:: 2005 20 June :: 1.33 am

"...it appears as if men had deliberately chosen the common mode of living because they preffered it to any other. Yet they honestly think there is no choice left..." -thoreau.

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:: 2005 20 June :: 12.57 am
:: Music: muse

slave to the grave
so I'll love whatever you become
and forget the reckless things we've done
I think our lives have just begun
I think our lives have just begun
and I feel my world crumbling,
I feel my life crumbling
I feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away,
falling away with you
staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you're breathing in
I hope I won't forget a thing
promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same...

so this is all this journal is reduced to now, huh..? posting endless lyrics. and i thought, maybe this time i can add some personal meaning. but these are quite self explanitory.

don't embrace the past. in history, i do. in others' lives, i watch and listen. to my own past, i merely learn. i don't want to embrace. when i embrace, i obsess. i miss. i feel sick and terrible and wish the world was a way it will never be again. and i realize it'll never be that way again, and i start down those spiraling stairs.

And the end is all I can see
And it scares the hell out of me.

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:: 2005 13 June :: 1.37 pm

The clothes she wears mis-fit, and she's nervous when she speaks,
Her zombie Mom and Dad live in a separate house of freaks.
I woke you up and I slit the throat of your confidence,
And we laughed in the night and I felt alright.
Thanks a lot,
(You don't even know)

[worse off on my own? whereismykyrriamfalteringfailing.]

[edit - 06 19 05]
that was me, that was eighth grade.
obviously, doctor... you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl.

i never went as far as cecilia. sometimes i wish i had back then. i keep thinking it got better as i got older, but it's gotten worse. i've gotten happier and yet it's gotten so much worse. back then, i never ever thought about how i'd do it if i did. now, here, i look at my exacto knife to cut paper, and bamitsthere. i look at my guitar cord. i look out the window. i wonder what the weight would be to keep me hanging.

it's becoming more verbal, now. i am, i am, i am, i am thinking about it more. i am writing about it now. i don't talk about it, god no. but i do write. i admit it in these little letters in these journal entries no one reads.

i should confess it seriously to a person. if these words don't help, i don't know what will. i won't know what to do when i'm alone on one of those nights and it hits and it's just too hard to shake off.
-i have already confessed it to several peers. it has not helped. all it feels like is draining pity. it has come from false attention to something true that i no longer have any control over.

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:: 2005 13 June :: 1.31 pm

erasmus; ras.


sick and tired and healing.

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:: 2005 13 June :: 1.52 am

"that's not too ladylike"; that's awfully damaging when i'm not good enough to fit into your crushing sterotype. less focus on mental improvement and more on how beautiful you can pretend to be. let's win some men to fuck us and do everything for us, because we're spoiled, idiotic, weak, useless ditzy bitches who can't do a damn thing on our own.
society still subconsciously views females as stupid. gee, thanks.

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:: 2005 13 June :: 12.38 am

Realizations of this weekend/week/etc.:

-I am an artist with scientific interests, and not vice versa. I need to be in an environment which fosters this, where I can receive influence from other people. As much as I hate the majority of people, it is easier to find '‘those who are like-minded' in an urban/more developed environment than in the middle of nowhere. I also prefer anonymity, which this provides.

-I am tired I am weak I am distraught I am lost. I don't even know if I ever wasn't lost. I feel like something has to hit me, hard, before I can begin to figure anything out.

-I'm thinking about that one [recent] point in my life where I went a relatively and unprecedented long time without listening to sad songs, and being able to feel every inch of them. The only point in my life where I wasn't questioning the relationship I was in, where I didn’t have to over-dramatize each point to make it seem special when, in fact, it wasn't; the only time where I have ever felt anything close to being complete; when I wasn't alone or unhappy and I hadn’t realized it until I was back 'home' again, back alone, in recession. I have dissembled my definitions of happiness, and, like Gertrude Stein with automatic writing and Picasso of cubism, have reassembled pieces of them, re-organized the base aspects to make what I needed to see to be able to understand what it was, what needed to happen for me to feel it. And in doing this, I have realized that every piece, each necessity, had been filled to its quota in those three months. I did not have to say to myself, 'I am happy', because it was self-evident in every aspect. And I'm waiting out this transition period; this thick, long station of worthlessness. If living is breathing, I'm holding my breath. In this contrast, I recognize what I had before, and hopefully won’t take as for granted what’s to come in the future.

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:: 2005 10 June :: 1.28 pm
:: Music: dcfc - lack of color

And when i see you
I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better
It picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around, turns you around

If you feel discouraged
That there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry, lover
It's really bursting at the seems,
Absorbing everything,
The spectrum's a to z..

This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years........


for the first time. everything i thought i knew ended up being wrong; and i am left second guessing what i am, who i am, my relationships with people. all i know is what i know right now. i suppose that's all i ever knew; what's just in the present.
couple days. few moments. mica doesn't make a big deal out of this, and that itself is the big deal, because she made a big deal out of everything else. and lazeyka did not want to say much otherwise. it's hard to listen to him sometimes... but. no overdone drama, no lies that i keep telling myself because i wanted something to be more special than it really was.

jfsdfjaoijlka;jlsdjf; fear. of. people. fear of who's reading this. shutting off the stream.

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:: 2005 7 June :: 1.29 am

i hate him because for him i became that weak, cute, helpless, stupid little girl everyone sees, but that i am not.

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:: 2005 1 June :: 4.08 pm

once again, overdone thought/emotion for nothing.


[another reason why i hate being so far away.]

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:: 2005 1 June :: 1.41 pm

can't just say it. don't want to say it. want to fucking scream it. cry it.

i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do i do.

but if i do scream it, it brings about inevitable destruction a bit too early..

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:: 2005 1 June :: 1.06 pm
:: Music: massive attack - angel

while my insides fell out
hands are still stained with blood.

[todayisnobetterthantheprevious]

please don't say anything's been lost. please don't say i've destroyed anything with my wrongly placed words. could i have waited to a better day? shouldn't i?? shouldn't i have never brought this up?
fool. idiot. motherfucking asshole. me.
guilt.


if i lose you, i lose myself
& the world loses me as well.




[rekyesshe'sback. pulling out of the mess mica feels. extension of an extension. creature living in the pool of dark filth. wretched emotions. wishing for self-punishment; let's see more blood. let's see more of what's supposed to be inside on the out. staining. loving.]
this is not you... this was entirely me. i don't think it could ever be anything else. i don't think it ever has been.

lazeyka, doubtless, for the first time...

[lookingoutthewindowatdeath, isitreallytheonlyotheroption?]



i love you. i'm sorry. why am i such a goddamned idiot...

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