--

:: 2005 1 June :: 1.42 am

social concepts, social constructs.

:: 2005 23 May :: 11.49 am

98 days remaining; 50 hours gone by.

tick tock tick tock.

but after the fact of all of that's happened, with some moments to catch up to myself and realize somethings about myself... there's definitely a new presence here. kyrr. oh, just kyrr. calm. sense of humor, has a definite spine. possibly obnoxious. mostly a result of these last three months, as well as the want and need to crush suzy once and for all.
i will try, we'll all try, to keep her from coming back. sick weak plaguing. ugh.

without a sense of humor, i would feel myself dying on the inside every moment since i last saw you.

:: 2005 18 May :: 9.52 pm

a stitch in time saves nine.
relative to the theory that every desicion that you make on a timeline affects reality by creating new split realities where you made the other desicion, etc. basically a new approach to the visual representation of a timeline itself; instead of a line being drawn, every splotch is a different desicion and thusly a different reality. the white stitching, also, is the consciousness of the common person in this culture to fix things, to put them in a linear fashion in order to grasp reality and function normally from day to day; similarly, the white border encloses the concept of time/reality into the [visual] conciousness of the individual. constance herself is more of a personal representation of how this reality which i experience manages to stay on the line, that i end up following this 'fate', as personified in the character herself.
[also compare the stance and anatomy of constance's body to such of the post-renaissance manneristic art which does not seem to adhere itself in a fixated fashion, i.e., the bodies in mannerism never seem properly able to hold themselves up, as well as neoclassisistic and/or renaissance influence in the exaggeration of female 'beauty'. see: venus [de milo].]

yeah, if anyone ever says anthro art isn't art, they can go eat shit or something. seriously.

:: 2005 8 May :: 8.47 pm

good god... fine then. not allowed to worry or show anything. [whydon'tijust]
[butweknowidon'treallyshowcompassion]

[i'm surrounded by people but i'm almost ~~completely~~ alone...]

:: 2005 3 May :: 11.45 am

there was truth in that.
this is the only one that hadn't been forced, that i didn't expect to feel something for. i truly tried to shove it away and it kept coming back. twofold, tenfold. and i still remember that moment, the pins tying my tongue down, i've never had such a problem saying those words to anyone..
i remember feeling that for so many kisses instead of just one...
i'm looking through supposed flaws, seeing what's really there. and that she truly makes me laugh and smile, and i don't have to fake it to please anyone.

i hate that the end of the year is coming. i don't want anything shitty to happen over the summer.

:: 2005 3 May :: 11.31 am

burned at the stake, but i forgot she can't just die.
my own personal frank. and her eye bleeds the same. reflections of metus, who.. well. either dissipated or was absorbed/consumed or both.
it's a bit better, though, because she's not so close to being self-itself, she's a separate, invading entity... those days, months, that year, perhaps, where she came up far more than who i considered myself... the anger, sadness, depression, blood, darkness. ohitsoundssostupid, but.
and she was almost gone, but no matter what i did, i couldn't get rid of her yesterday until i drew her.
and then i realized i was alone, and she had made me leave on my own, in the cold and the rain, on that dangerous road, without anyone knowing. i looked around. i thought. and the words 'christ, where am i..?' came up...
when you're in the thralls of being someone else,
when all you can do is feel their hate and dissapointment and anger,
and when you know it's really just you who has all that hate and anger... and they are just... something to blame it on, something to shove it all into so you don't have to be yourself when you feel it strongly...
it's being.

mica dropped her head. lazeyka did the same. the word 'liesliesLIES' echoed through.
... but at the same time....
there was truth in that.

:: 2005 27 April :: 3.19 pm

in lieu of: Apr. 21st, 2005|03:52 pm

clockwise from top left - lazeyka, cheka, mica/mitsene [haven't decided which yet] in middle, keesha, then horace, rek on bottom. i may add more people, if only silhouettes or such. i need time to finish this.

possible titles/explanations being 'the death of horace', revelation. strings disconnect. personal paradigm shift; these things happen sometimes
eras change and the chemistry in my head is altered one way or another
and i am not dependent because it's the people not the fumes
if you've ever wondered how the darkness can subside, swallow nothing. never stay still. and i've still got many secrets but they don't matter much anymore. nothing i used to regret bothers me now. and i don't regret; everything i did i didn't know what to be or do, i knew what i wanted and i didn't know what it was. they were all special and none of them were.
this song sings of the past, but the words are coming true
so i'm living in backwards to this --
living in the past because the past is the present right now. pastpresentfuture, it's all the same thing.

everything that used to scare me
and
no fear
~~metus~~

:: 2005 26 April :: 3.19 pm
:: Music: summerblink

cheka cheka cheka cheka
& i think subira was absent for a bit to be overcome by lack-of-worry
& who is this healing?
& platonic relationships are getting easier

arron...
rek, horace?
where has subira been? mantra? krystalis? suzy, even? and what/where is constance, for god's sake?
beatrice is still here; she's more permanent than she seems, i guess.

where is the darkness, the fear, the regret? where are the overthinkings of this relationship; is it really that much different[better]?
..is this the different i'd been looking for in all those others, where there is not too much concern, or disconcertment, or not knowing, or lack of communication, or misunderstandings...? where i am never sick of [], or feel superior or inferior in any way..?

and i've never felt that before, and what's more important, i wasn't expecting/hoping/wanting it. not that i reject it, not even close. no.. i am not hoping too much, and it's hard to understand or explain but it's good.

:: 2005 16 April :: 11.51 pm

strange way of dealing with things....

i hate myself this way, but i hate myself every way. as if hair is really the expression of myself. i hate how stereotypically female i've gotten, and i hatehatehate why. i can't stand mirrors of myself.

and then there's my mother, and how i keep thinking that out of all three of us i'm the most dissapointing and will only end up moreso. augh. shit.

:: 2005 12 April :: 12.00 pm
:: Music: posers

i keep looking to other definitions of what the perfect will or should be, but i have to, should know that it's all up to me.
i hate that i was given an ideal of 'true love' to try and live up to. it should be kept simple, i think sometimes. it should be this or that or something in between. i really wish i could just forget all that, it's so complicated. it just is.

i can see we are drawn to each other
my search is done for the tender and true
though i had promised this 'we' to my brother
i'll wager my greatest treasure is you.

no, i have never existed like this before...

:: 2005 8 April :: 9.40 pm

stop making me look backwards like this....

and the effect of people, the constant, communal pulling and stretching and forming of this persona; excessive environment envelopment. stoppedwithhim but too early, so i had to abandon to teach myself more of who i should and shouldn't be.

also - personal social perception based on a wheel instead of a spectrum/ladder; with similar aspects being blended rather than separated.

:: 2005 7 April :: 11.10 am
:: Music: myxomatosis

on death + society
death is a bad thing. death brings sadness, greif. death is more than that as well.
the effect of medicine on society has resulted in the significantly lessened number of children who die young. in turn, people, now having no experience with death as much as the generations before them [each generation slowly getting healthier and healthier], become afraid of it, because they were unable to learn how to deal with it as a child. in turn, since this is on such a massive scale in society, this culture has ended up with a fear of death, and made it into a cultural taboo - like it is something that should not happen.
medicine and science, whether this is attainable or not, is aiming for the complete lack of [most likely premature] death in society. what of a people who never die before old age? not a single person? everything is safe, beyond safe. medicine is perfect; cancer and diseases have been eliminated. now, of course, they are more vulnerable than ever; but since they are in such a protected self-created environment, it is impossible for them [to think] to ever get infected by anything. of course, this would only end up happening to first-world countries, and thusly third-world countries could possibly end up contaminating them somehow, ending their way of life.

if brave new world hasn't happened, nor 1984 or anthem, why should this? not saying it would or will. it is a precaution, though, just like those books are. what are certain aspects of mankind/modern society coming to? what are we trying to do, make complete perfect societies? sometimes it seems like it; each individual seems headed towards this state of utter personal perfection. find perfection in health, career, beauty, money, love, meditation, material items. anything and everything. when we realize this society is 'flawed', we turn to others [west to east, and vice versa at times], only to find that those, too, in reality, are just as 'imperfect' as ours. the truth is, we're not flawed; that's merely perception. we do, however, have this ideal that we are meant to be headed upwards. in terms of technology, medicine, development, etc., ours is a society which slowly accumulates such things, like a graph rising on a curve. there are such societies who remain with low technology, have a sustainable way of life that is good enough for them, and don't change for thousands of years. theirs is a steady line. the difference is that ours is far more likely to crash, for the line to fall, possibly even lower than the steady line of non-modern societies.

:: 2005 3 April :: 4.01 pm

it feels strange to be alone nowadays. that in itself is very strange... very strange indeed.

mica, with her hair, she's turning into a better, controlled version of rosewen; she held the pins and let them go at a strange time. but a few still sank deep...
maikki is saying, everything about this is strange to them, but it feels so normal to us. that's because it is.

where horace is, i know not. there's so many of the uncontrolled now, but i can't let them go as anything they are. refused to be in essence long enough to be captured. it's not so disparaging, because letting them go seems healthier.

:: 2005 2 April :: 10.14 pm

syllables, three. small, balanced on golden pins, jagged arrangement, tiny words.
exhale
i coud not say it louder than that
there was something in my throat
tiny pins, stopping the words, catching my tongue, pinning it to the roof of my mouth.

and now i can't stop thinking about whether it is truth or not. like i do when things start to go downhill. but. i won't let it come to that, because this is the first that isn't really like that. where it's hard for me to say those words, to not throw them out or back with such ease. this isn't downhill anyway.

go, hide

:: 2005 31 March :: 6.56 pm

there were fifteen of them, i wasn't even going to leave a secret message. but i stopped for a moment and weighed my options.
destroy self
destroy willingness of self to reject this world
destroy this world.

and then there were a few words: 'someday, this place is going to burn.' and i realized as long as i did nothing to stop it, it would. and i would get my way, in time.
now the wait is to see when it will happen.

then again, just because i know it will burn, doesn't make this gnawing thing go away for good. nothing ever does.

:: 2005 30 March :: 3.19 pm

there were a few moments where mica was taking it seriously, angry, envy. and then maikki passed her hand over, and it was over. over. nothing to do about it; inner peace. she closed her eyes.
maikki says, 'it's time to change.' mica nods. she takes the knife and cuts her hair. she does what she needs to do. she grows.
keesha's younger sister once again; and i would think... she would be more content under maikki's guidance than rek's. of course, anyone would.

:: 2005 29 March :: 8.54 pm

"i guess it's not surprising, but it's spring and i should leave."

:: 2005 28 March :: 11.27 pm

fuck, not her again

contest starts in five

:: 2005 25 March :: 3.40 am

[but THAT. the quieting of beatrice's bad decisions. at these moments.. that's something he could never do.]

:: 2005 25 March :: 2.45 am

alive + alone.

but not always too distracted, it seems; if the distraction is what makes the consideration appear..

oh, rek. she isn't dead. just lingering inside teirbodies. not even a form of her own... how sad. she is so hard to differentiate nowadays.

and i just can't seem to shake the feeling that i'm making the worst mistake ever. that i will regret this more than anything i've ever done. why ... can't i just fix it now...? fucking christ.. why do i have to make it so complicated...?