--

:: 2005 24 March :: 3.14 am
:: Music: middle of yesterday

so what... i'm too busy making it seem that i'm right, too busy defending myself, to realize that i'm making a very large mistake.. that i'm giving something big up for something small...?
maybe.. and maybe i need to remember the flaws and the days and the present. no, i'm just being stubborn...
no, if i just get over this. mica's tricks, once again.

i hate that i don't know if it's her tricks, or that it's something real that i'm just being irreversably STUPID over. ugh. ugh, ugh. jealousy. maikki has to be right, she has to be, she's not willing to give up what's going on now for something that could kill regret in the future.
i don't know....
was i really so...
am i so now...

why can't she just give up and make it all forgotten... ?

:: 2005 23 March :: 1.09 pm

stumbling into oblivion, blissful idiocy, foolish moves and ignorant days.

:: 2005 22 March :: 2.25 am

she proclaims her dead.
mica's fallen into the same states her sister does; except this time, no one knows if she'll wake up from the coma or not. this is so much deeper than any that keesha has been in. and this, this, is governed, watched over, made sure of by maikki, who won't stand to see mica alive and begging and ruining everything.

fear. hate. pity. love. regret. doubt. apathy. pity. 'i'm sorry, but...'
it's strange being on this end. all i can do is try to wait until you seem better. and then... feel better that you're alright. i'm watching from a distance. i only care because i used to know you so well, as i used to know myself so well.

:: 2005 22 March :: 1.54 am
:: Music: for no one....

the end
what happened today...?
i told you i couldn't feel it as much anymore, and you assumed i said it was dead. so i ran with it, because if i told you i still loved you in part of me, you would never stop. and i felt so bad for you, your voice, when you called; my heart did break... so i had to say, dear, i do still love you... but i just can't make it work right. it's not enough. i do not want it to.. and why, i couldn't say. why...? you kept asking. why couldn't i try again..? because i knew i wanted to be with someone else. just because i loved you like i did, doesn't mean you were the right person for me. you bring me down. you do. i know you don't want to, but there is something they do that you don't, that you can't seem to. while i was with you, sometimes i would wish you were one of those happy, joke-making, funny, comedian type people who manage to truly cheer me up. you just couldn't make me happy like i needed to be... i was happy because i loved you and you loved me back, but when i needed to laugh, it didn't even occur to you that's what i had to have.
i won't be sad with them. they're that peice you're not. and i feel it growing, and i feel you fading. i don't ... you're right. after that day, things just weren't the same.

"Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all the words of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!
You want her, you need her
And yet you don’t believe her when she said her love is dead
You think she needs you...."

So please, back away and let me go
'I can't, my darling, I love you so...
But oh, oh...'

'Tell me, am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride, and slowly growing old together?'

Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures.

'I know that I have made mistakes and I swear
I'll never wrong you again'
You've got allure I can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye.

:: 2005 21 March :: 7.25 pm

.... and that was that...?

how sad....

:: 2005 21 March :: 2.18 pm

i hate the nights that falsely proclaim the end, and then let us merely wait.

:: 2005 20 March :: 3.11 am

one or the other. can't have both, even though i need them both. i can't. love. both.
they won't let me.

:: 2005 20 March :: 2.16 am
:: Music: failing the rorschach test

confessions
so i really should just vomit and shake off this twisted stomach, because i'm shaking off this twisted conscience, even though i shouldn't.

i'm acting like i shouldn't to her. i'm leading her on. because i do want something to happen, still, apparently. maikki isn't dead. in fact, she's far more prominent than mica...
... though every day, mica seems to get a bit stronger... i feel for him almost again. i saw that photo of him and for a moment i remembered how things used to be.
thursday morning, i was quiet. i was guilt-filled. everything was terrible. i thought, no one deserves me to do this to anyone. those silent visions of things ending. dropping off a pier, stepping in front of a bus. in the restaurant, the grabbing of a gun and just to my head and having no more brains. and the razor in my pocket the whole time.
but i couldn't do that any time, because i was surrounded by people. thankfully. if i had been alone at any time since wednesday, i would have destroyed myself. i managed to thursday night, and in the course of being in new york with her, i guess we tried to not make things so awkward. ie. i responded to her advances. vaguely, slightly.
the thing is, my love for jon has lessened, and for her it has grown. it's possible i'm at a standoff now. i know, though, i'm going to end up being with jon... though i don't want him to understand what it's like with sam. how i always wish she was here, not just because i love being around her, but because she makes everything just ten times as awesome as it could ever be with myself, or anyone else, including him.
and could she understand the seriousness of the words jon and i exchange...? the thoughts? the secrets? how we thought everything we did was perfect and wonderful and we'd end up together no matter what..? possibly... they probably would understand. i underestimate them, only because i want them to be unique in their selves...
but, would they want to...?

...anyway... if i stay with jon, i feel like it would be boring but stable. sad. lacking. alone. waiting. would that love be enough to shut off everything else..? i know right now, because it isn't, it won't be in the future. i would feel terrible to completely stop this, though. he is like that song. i want to leave him, somewhat, but i can't, because he's emotionally tied to me, and i don't want to hurt him any more than i already have... i wish i could make him realize that things won't ever be as perfect with us as he imagines. there will always be something about him that bothers me. what i think is cute now, i will think is annoying in ten years. and he will get fed up with me.
sam... and i... have a lot of differences. i don't think i could be in a relationship with her that forced me to feel the kind of permanence that the one with jon does. but then again, i don't want to be permanent with anyone yet.

why does it seem like i am loved more than i love? i like sam, i get that feeling sometimes when i think of her, i am reminded of her often and seem to talk about her too much.. but it's not as strong as emotions that i've felt before. and now, i seem to have killed off the strength of what i used to feel for jon as well... i don't miss him so much anymore. if i don't think of him... if we don't talk... it's easy to forget.

:: 2005 16 March :: 9.52 pm

i don't understand these people.. why am i not spurned....?

:: 2005 16 March :: 1.54 am

if self is the reason for all of this, then to end it, that would mean the destruction of self? or is that just destroying the origin, and the end result would somehow remain the same..?
past experiences say ending only begins with time. and i suppose those in pain, and those causing pain, are impatient.

just learning to fly.

:: 2005 16 March :: 1.22 am

they always say, don't, don't, don't. there is so much to live for. there are people who care. there is no reason to.

forget. f.o.r.g.e.t. but there is no way i can.
i'm supposed to let this all go, turn my back and smile, not caring that i have caused pain. why should i care? it causes pain to me as well if i do.

sometimes i slip.

:: 2005 15 March :: 7.26 pm

it's possible i just like beginnings. perhaps am unable completely to make it further than.. what would it have been..? 5 1/2 mos is the new record.

---

stop it, mica. we. don't. care.

:: 2005 15 March :: 3.03 pm

she must be in an iron coffin. i can't even feel her presence.

it's alright. her older sister is so close to being back before the catalepsy set in. it's quite strange; maikki's to blame. she is for a lot of things.

so lazeyka knows where mica lays; that doesn't mean he'll do anything about it. and cheka.. she is holding him back, what little movements he tries to make. she is trying to shut everyone's mouth. she's succeeding as well. and she's not destroying anything; she's just waiting for subtle, right times.

this time, this really is different. i can't see anything in common.

:: 2005 15 March :: 1.55 am

girl
for no one
run for your life.

:: 2005 14 March :: 3.58 pm

the words on the screen, i am talking to someone else.

life lesson: never get so attached to the external.

everything i thought i knew, i put aside; and now i'm paying for it.
never trust
never love
there is no truth. there is no truth. there is no truth.
i won't let her return; i won't let myself cave in.. redundancies; why do i never learn...?

i sacrificed my reason because i made assumptions about what i needed, because it was so out of context, it seemed much brighter in the dark than it really was.

:: 2005 14 March :: 2.51 am

here we are in another strain of things, after which i say, life will never be the same again.
..did i ever really think there were points in life, aspects that somehow always remained the same? even my consciousness will end someday.

blood + ink. there is no erasing, there is no forgetting.

[i was tempted to say no]

/i need to say calm down. i need to do that myself. relax. be. shi. desu. ser. eien ni; latent. my shoulders drop down when i realize what i've been doing.

:: 2005 14 March :: 1.36 am

and when i close my eyes and the split rises, both say 'shouldn't', both/neither.
maikki's shoving mica in a closet. somewhere. dark. shut up. stop leaking blood. it's getting on everything, it's poisonous, it's dangerous.
but everything's dangerous. the fact that maikki somehow keeps rek away, that's dangerous. the fact that mica won't leave, and somehow rek seems to follow the footsteps of her shadows, that's dangerous.
arron's crushed under tierrek's claws.
tiermica's staring at her mirrored self in the ice. 'this is wonderful, my hands are frozen'

is suzy dead yet?
is this world. still upside down fucked-up zvekh is gone, hell, yes, i see how it is. i don't know who you are. i don't know who i am anymore.
i'm still
there's not, a see. damn, you see? i need to be shut up again, i need to shut up again, i need

these smells, he says, grains of sand moved aside

it's on the other side i guess

maikki wins.

:: 2005 11 March :: 5.58 pm

dreams are bad
when all they do is leave the truth behind.

:: 2005 11 March :: 3.19 am

yes/no
....um.

admitting to loneliness seems like the most pathetic thing to utter in this moment.
it is as if nothing has happened, but at the same time i feel a rip/split, something. a bit deeper. that shouldn't be there. and she seized me today and the flood waters rose and there was nothing i could do.

[and then i remembered who and the circumstances and it/she became a mere silly illusion.]

:: 2005 10 March :: 1.36 am

oo, JUST when i thought things were getting okay, the social retard strikes again.
[ subtle ]

maybe i'm just meant to be like this. or, maybe i just need more sleep.

[shut up, you shouldn't have been acting like that.
it's trying too hard, i think. for.. something you shouldn't be trying for.]
mm... if this keeps up, i'll just be making more regrets to kick myself for. ie. poor arron.
assumptions... instinct... lack of restraint, and stupidity.
just because doesn't mean.