--

:: 2005 9 March :: 8.28 pm

so in the fray there's a
small child girl falling away
from me seems to be something
i'd rather not admit to
you would be that person who
i can't seem to put away
from me seems to be something
is in the air with faulty
capabilities
it's not digging itself in there yet.

and i put my faith out to the cold
years ago there was a split in my
head and i hadn't realized it
until now there would have been
a rather uninspiring chain of event
ual dissassociation between those
things that i came to recognize
and those which seem to drift in
on the edge when things are
rather nice and uninterrupted.
i'm sorry, have i been corrupted?
the only corrosion we seem to see
would rather come from this little
alone thing
not a lot, i would gather,
if we're all better than one another.

:: 2005 9 March :: 3.59 pm

truth is primarily a cultural and sense-derived ideal. there is only so far you can go to prove something is true. and the idea of truth, as well, only goes so far. there is a difference, somehow [when did this happen? plato?], between 'yes' and 'this is the truth'.
back to descartes, for s+g:
the only thing that seems to be true is that we have a consciousness [or, okay, in all technicality, just me] in which i perceive the world, or the illusion of one. the best explanation for this is the consciousness is set inside of a being. this being has senses with which she perceives a supposed world. but there is only so much evidence that the body exists. yes, i am moving my hand and hearing music. i am using the outside world and everything i have learned therein to stimulate thought processes as well...
somehow i'm getting to the concept of god. say there is some kind of pseudo-existence.. i want to say being, but this isn't a being, this isn't a consciousness -- this is something beyond consciousness. the world itself, possibly. and that.. has somehow.. the ability to create within itself smaller beings which have self-awareness, individual thought, and perception. or really, if we want to stick to the theories we have with us now, one or two or three original organisms, which figured out how to reproduce... really, right now, i think that's an amazing thing -- that the first things that were ever alive, our direct ancestors, for which we only hold a scientific idea for and look back and say, it's a gob of cytoplasm. yay -- somehow figured out how to reproduce. they had nothing else like instinct to tell them, this is what to do. and in reality, i guess we're only the descendants of those who did figure it out. there could have been others. and if they had before they died, what became of them? what if they did, and there were, somehow, in the first moments, days, weeks, hours of life, the first clash of different organisms... and the one which we base all current biology on survived.
i want to know, what would the others be, if they had as well..? would we have another version of our level of sentience on this planet, or is it too small for that..? it seems it, really, only because we've managed to take over most of it anyway... but ... hm.
i've gotten way the fuck off track, haven't i..

:: 2005 9 March :: 2.01 am

~~this isn't getting any fucking better day by day, is it~~

:: 2005 8 March :: 3.11 pm

but it's true that everything was more beautiful then. i don't know what it is now. it's just there. it's a pity. perhaps i've moved into another realm -- or really, another realm is necessary to move me.
everyone i've been has been a result of trying to be something else.

:: 2005 8 March :: 12.52 am

see.. just a couple more days.

the season i'll love, the circumstances i will not.

ink again; her walls are down, i thought i said. and suzy's blockaded out [though she does manage to squeeze in now and then] as much as possible.

so who will i be with maikki and mica being like this..? and with rek nearly nonexistant...? we really only have a handful left, i guess...
damn, i said i can't keep this up.
i really just want to stick to my own head.
my own head, please.

:: 2005 7 March :: 12.49 am
:: Music: criminal/new

the consequence at hand
i'm thinking, i'm looking far too much into it. and i'm looking for peices to negate it because i know i can't help to look for the ones that support it first. but it's hard to pick up the things in the past that you didn't pay attention to. even still, the ones i can remember... still don't outweigh the positive.
and i'm really just going to be waiting a few days, a few weeks. she doesn't know.
a few days, a few weeks until i know whether this was just a phase; when i can know if i'll be telling her a few years from now what i'm writing now.. and just saying, 'you know, nothing ever happened. i wasn't sure. i had jon. ah well, it's the past.'
or.. whether things will get a bit... uncomfortable... between a few people.

the fact that i had more than one dream about it almost bothers me.. makes me admit it, finally; or at least that i have latent feelings/ideas about it. and when i'm about to wake up, and it carries over, tenfold... and when now, i realize i don't regret having it... it's.. what do i do...? what can i do, react to, assume... even if it's not. i don't want to assume. i don't want to make a move i shouldn't. things would be awkward and...

this is dangerous...
and that i'm .. that there's something mild but growing.. shit, shit. shit.
i will do nothing. i have to keep this to myself.

[because i never had this taste in the past]

:: 2005 6 March :: 2.33 am

that damn dream again...

:: 2005 4 March :: 12.51 am

so umm. to make a long entry that happened to get completely fucked over short...

people make medicine. medicine inhibits evolution. however, the attainment of medicine itself could be a result of evolution; after all, the manner in which a species survives matters not, as long as it does, right? but this specific manner is depended on a delicate culture and accumulation of knowledge, resources, and circulation; if this society collapses, the flaws that were genetically retained due to organisms remaining alive as a result of medicine are still in the gene pool, and the immune system of said species is pretty much shot for more complicated diseases... so the physical aspect of evolution has started to go backwards, and the species is less likely to survive after said cultural collapse.

and another, again:
why live? to reproduce. why reproduce? to ensure the survival of one's species. why ensure the survival of one's species? so that the ecological niche it is in remains satisified, and the circle of life [for lack of better words] continues. why allow this cycle to continue? so that life itself continues to exist. but why allow life and all the species therein to remain...? mother culture says it's so that possibly one day, a species can come and make sense of it all.. but really, what's the point in that? once you have it all figured out, you have the earth in the palm of your hand and you're raping it of its resources as badly as you can so that you can continue your existence... no, what i really mean is: what's the point in realizing our place in the universe? once we realize we're really nothing, what the fuck are we going to do then? be proud of being sentient... there's really no point in life, but there's no point in eradicating it, either. and it's a uniqueness of the universe as well, our existence and all that is around us... just as the rings of saturn are unique, just as comets are unique, just as the electrons in their shells or orbitals inside atoms are unique. we're just another amazing thing. we're unique in a universe of unique things. and that really doesn't make us much of anything at all, does it?
and that's a horrible thing for a lot of people to admit; a hard thing. why would anyone want to admit they are really nothing? it's depressing, it's belittling, it's insulting. but really now, the fact that you're insulted by that is a result of a psychological mechanism that ensures your survival.. the rejection of a meaningless death. and that is something in everyone. it feels special. it feels so special to be so adamant.
and i don't even have a point in surmising that i should accept i'm not unique; because once i do, i'm rejecting evolution itself. and once i do that, i'm turning away and the only thing i have left is to say that our species is more special than everything else, and that goes against everything i try to beleive in.
why do i stick to my beleifs so? because i want to be unique. there, we have one. why do i want to be unique...? why would one ever want to be such? a path towards special diversity, perhaps?
or i could just do whatever makes my existence more comfortable. if being relatively weird means i have an outlet for my conscious self, which means i'm more comfortable putting myself on the outside, then so be it.
why would one ever want something to let them know they're alive? because outside your senses, there really is not much to prove you are..?

:: 2005 3 March :: 1.32 am

one becomes better at what they intend to do when there's competition involved. though, i wish there were a way to recover from the stress involved at striving too hard without slowing down.

:: 2005 2 March :: 2.20 am
:: Music: múm/mogwai/sigurrós

who do i have to talk to about this..? not him or him. not her or her or her. just this here.
so what am i? thirtypercent. and why would i want to be if i wasn't? all it's caused is trouble so far. i only want to admit to it to explain to myself why i've felt and reacted the way i have.
i can't admit it to her. i can't seem to admit it to anyone. and i don't know why it's so hard. and even if i did, would they expect me to react differently to things? i don't notice people in general... i follow them by personality. it is so hard for me to say, 'this person is hot' unless i know them personally. i think. i'm not sure about anything on this topic anymore.

and i should realize that i'm not beautiful to anyone else except him.

i just...again... if i were normal...? but then where would i be...?i wouldn't be the same person. this is more than just who i like, this is the gender[s] i identify with. and that is both. what i was born as, and what i allowed society to impose on me. what i let myself accept. enough, really, to get by without too much of a problem, i suppose.

dreams.. things i can't admit, i still say. that one dream. and what happened in new york; she's such a bad influence, really. but i love being around her. [terriblewordsi'mnotsupposedtosay] so, fine, out with it - i almost fell for you. almost.
yet why is this specific thing so uncommon for me? this is what leads to the doubts. and why doesn't it feel the same, somehow... but then, as well, that would prove that i'm.. overdoing looking at males to avoid the females. years and years and years of saying to myself of those thoughts, 'no. wrong. stop.' and complying somehow.

you see.... i think no matter what a part of it will always be there.

:: 2005 25 February :: 2.24 am

and i mostly try to ignore it, in fact it's mostly not there. but there are moments. and i'm not surrounded by horrendous guilt; i make note of it, i am aware of it, but i do nothing about it and feel very, very little about it. hopefully someday it'll fade. hopefully i'll never do anything about it.

i'm just trying to figure out who's behind this. who's disrupting such possible inevitable contentment with that someone else? and while we're at it, who's behind such denial of gender..? i refuse to accept the gender role i was assigned to, so parts of me attach to the only other option out there. why can't there be an inbetween..? why is there no such thing as neutral, at least in society? why do i hate being a girl so much? it's not just the physical weakness. there's something else behind that as well. it's this predetermined identifying with the opposite gender.. when i liked boys in the past, half of me loved them like a female, the other half admired them as a male, a peer of gender, tried to be like them. i would say half my mind, somehow, is male.. i had to accept i wasn't male, so i built on what aspects of female that i could. so i could live in camoflauge. and it is part of me, still. it's the tie of body and mind. because i was born a girl, i have inherently in my body and in my mind such aspects of thought and reaction to others. but if you'd given me a choice at birth, determined by how my mind would have reacted to people and their genders and by generally what i wanted to be, i would have. should have. been a son.
and it's strange how both sides of that see something in her...

shhhhhit.

:: 2005 24 February :: 11.52 am

here's another:;
i've been writing in this for 13 months, approximately. does anyone read this? anonymous comments welcome.

:: 2005 23 February :: 3.06 pm

and then the guilt sets in...

so instead of being guilty, shouldn't i be contagious...?

you know i'm back to self-assignment again. i've really got no good reason to because it inevitably breaks up the whole-person assembly that i have trying to go on here.
so, one should consume another; or they should lose themselves as peices and just exit that world entirely.

:: 2005 23 February :: 12.38 am
:: Music: mogwai

transcribed + continued
[unrelated] in amercia, sometimes it's better to be the victim.

relative happines is just that - relative. relative to the individual, it depends on how much it takes of the small things put together as well as how many larger [more important] things it takes before they feel happy. it also depends on if they notice said things or not - if not, if they take it for granted, even if they have everything, if a person focuses on the inconsistencies then it's impossible to be happy.
-is this inherent in personality or not?
-is this related to intelligence at all? ie, is it possible to be a genius and still maintain a certain degree of happiness in your life?
-what is depression, then? not just focusing on the inconsistencies, but unable to turn away, or even when one turns away, the inability to finally be happy? or that even through a good day, one goes to sleep at night and still feels empty inside..?

is everything that i consider wrong with me really just fabricated by me, as a result of certain environmental factors and/or their clashings with my inherent personality/intelligence level, or is it merely a perception of a flawed self as a result of a society that, though it says otherwise, still pushes a person to try and attain physical, mental, and emotional/relationship perfection? we don't strive for that middle ground of just living until after we realize that, after we get everything, there is nowhere to go afterwards. or that is the theory. there are probably more individuals than i am aware of who really just want to live.
-does having a purpose in life include living? can your purpose be just to survive, or is this too low a setting for a culture who continually reinstates the idea that, as a species, we are superior, and thusly have to make goals for ourselves above 'merely' living... even though living itself is really hard enough.

what is my attachment to people? the general thought of five years ago was everyone sucks who is human. the general thought of one year ago was most people suck, but those few individuals who i get to know well and who don't anger me don't. the general thought of six to three months ago was most people are generally decent people who happened to be attached to and caught up in a widespread culture that does not encourage the existence of anything except itself, and are also unaware of this, and thusly unable to change it or do much to start the change besides recycling; society/immediate culturally-wise, most people aren't TOO dumb and don't want to be caught up in the small inconveniences/don't want to start trouble.
-greed inherent in the human being - i have enough faith in humanity, however little, to disagree with this thought. however, the disagreement itself is not well-thought through. it is possible that it's a remnant of evolution. however, i would take the step that it has been supressed, for a good reason - humans, and their primate ancestors, are a societal speices; if you take something not yours, claim 'survival of the fittest!!' and run off, you do not win the favor of others in your species that you need to survive. a lone human is not as formidible as a lone wolf. therefore, to have such greed to take everything and leave what we would consider your loved ones behind, would not be a positive quality society-wise.

---

so, so; blending, blinding; i fear not, i fear nothing yet.
so, so; keesha, hello; unblind child, fuse again; fear nothing again..

:: 2005 22 February :: 1.20 am

everything would be going as planned, if there was a plan.

oh, the holes in my face; oh, i forgot i had a mind.

i have to get used to this, something else, once again. thisisnicerthough. subconscious keesha flowing out. maikki seems to be working something better... seasteps seastars veratrix' no-tricks see-this is-real.
beatrice; there's snow. and i'm not paying attention to it but i'm still managing to be. when we aren't stagnant, we don't notice the terrible things as much.
stand still, and look around. you'll notice things you wish you hadn't.

:: 2005 19 February :: 2.51 pm
:: Music: mr bungle - retrovertigo

now i'm finding truth is a ruin

peiceybpeice i'm sorry to say thisecalpis
washing away.

so i'm nowhere near where i used to be. and i can't tell if i'm melting/destroying self or not.

:: 2005 17 February :: 12.26 am

no.

time to take the initiative and make things viceversa.
clashings here we come...

:: 2005 9 February :: 4.03 pm

[but is it not enough to be complete?
and you're so number one that it's a shame
that i let other numbers in the game...]

apparently half-fighting against being complete too early... oh where do i go now..? mica vs maikki, he vs she, and i know logic should win but you know sometimes i can't fucking help it. and guilt the moment i realized this. guilt, but there's something terribly exciting about the game, something i'd have to give up that i might not be willing to so fast... i mean, i've only been playing for such a short time.

so what am i in society? strangely misplaced. i am not fulfilling the role i am supposed to; why did i reject it so, as i have as long as i've known who i am? and it felt so comfortable to finally accept i'm half not who anyone sees.

i will cry no longer. screaming shall take its place. so. death + replacement. seeking to leave shells of self in memory behind like snake shedding its skin, an insect its exoskeleton. i can see who i was but i can no longer take that coating/vision around my mind.
peice of this, peice of that, and i am still finding out who i am. and we have our whole lives. [such a short time, but it's life procrastinating and taking the leap/assumption that i won't die so soon -- a decent step forward.]

yes, this game permeates. continues, always.

:: 2005 8 February :: 11.02 pm

don't be such a kvetch.

:: 2005 7 February :: 10.08 pm

i feel like i am the person i used to be. as in... not hiding under this.

thank god she's gone, oh thank god, thank god....