--

:: 2005 7 February :: 5.10 pm

ink, ink

is it really getting so hard to remain who i am? and mica is struggling so badly. same old influence as always... everytime, always the same.

i can't quite leak the way i used to... the spaces in my head are filling up.

:: 2005 6 February :: 3.23 am

"A Ringtail is also a type of sail."

FUCKING HAHAH wow wow okay. that's just friggin creepy ironic there.

:: 2005 5 February :: 10.44 pm
:: Music: tatu

ugh, crap, crap... what do i do..? all i have is this sick settling.... and swearing, and dammitdammitdammit this is all WRONG but it somehow feels okay...
it'll pass. because i know this, i know it won't last. i know the bad outweighs the good in so many ways. but... until then...? i just have to shut it off best i can. if i don't act on it... it'll go away, right..? i hope...
this time, i'll keep it to myself...

nobody knows this but me. and i can't even tell the one person i trust the most... how wonderful... ah, shee.... *sigh*

:: 2005 4 February :: 10.20 pm

black ink....

filthy hands, still. outlet like blood, leaking. except it's supposed to be beautiful. beauty in filth. isn't that wonderful.

i can't even open my mouth and pretend to s[cream]mile. i have. what. this legion. something in my head is running rampant, destruction in its wake, it's letting it go, it's gnashing its teeth, she doesn't care. and i can't react. i've done well suppressing it, and it feels horrible to.

[better off without you tearing my will down]

:: 2005 4 February :: 5.00 pm

WAY TOO FUCKING HYPER. hello. hellooo. hello. hello.

grin.

:: 2005 1 February :: 7.50 pm

pissed off and feirce right now.
'that's nice' says maikki
sh'rup. my hands are filthy again.

arron's getting antsy again, suzy is knocking at the door. rek's turning her back on this... i don't want to run, just shut off. keeps saying words like 'introvert antisocial loner' with positive wordings and dammit. do i just not know how to handle this anymore..?

:: 2005 1 February :: 1.01 am

composed self-reflection
hahahahaha

why do i react different in reality than how i consciously feel. what is this awkward sense of chaos. who is that buried in the back of my mind.
today, i did not die.

:: 2005 29 January :: 10.31 pm

the best thing about realizing YOU are what's in the way of your life getting better is that at least YOU are the only thing you are in complete, total control of. [despite freudian disputes otherwise. fuck the media. your brain is yours.]

:: 2005 29 January :: 7.09 pm
:: Music: m_m__workin_on_leavin_the_livin

stagnaaaates. i'd really like to fuck restrictions but that's hard.

my hands are so filthy.

i don't know who i am anymore. when you hear that, you think, she doesn't know if she's the person she used to be. no, i mean, i don't know what facet applies anymore. mica, rek, maikki, lazeyka, horace, you name it, i don't know. i remember being stupider, less complicated than this. thus the fog. i'm not blind but i don't trust my steps if i can't see them.
no, that's not true. there's something lighter up ahead. i used to just see it but now i think i might actually be walking towards it. hi, maikki.
i just hate having to think about this in these terms. this isn't me. this is forced.

so considering i've pretty much given up on writing anything personal in livejournal... i might switch this over to oh nice nice petty journal of [i'm not going to insult myself i swear] self-centered junk. yes. no.

oh but like he said
i am my own damn god
A HA HA HA HA HA HA.

:: 2005 29 January :: 1.05 am

shut up, chill out, i love you.

:: 2005 25 January :: 12.05 pm

these peices fall from the mouth of subira now, like smoke exhaled, muttered apathy. i'msorryveratrixjustisn'thereenough. but suzy's gone from der herz; blocked out, horace's pike to her throat. shall not return as long as we remember this.
shutupandgetoutstopstealingsmiles.

:: 2005 22 January :: 6.19 pm

her death doesn't need to be painful, but it needs to be a death all the same. keesha herself will see to it that this is necessary... in order to remain awake, she can't remain under the excuses and throes of this somehow so powerful little girl.
oh, suzy. you are and always have been unnecessary. unwanted. a quiet disposition never pulled anyone forward; never shoves maiiki along. we don't need sad smiles and quiet hiding and melting spines. living requires standing up straight. requires spitting in the face of those who challenge you instead of submitting to them. fuck that. fuck that. just fucking fuck it.

ha.

:: 2005 20 January :: 1.08 pm

still getting glimpses of that, of just being without thinking. keesha should be more prevalent... ah well.
keesha's back is half-turned, is her hair a sunrise? and maikki's follows, a dulled version but still apparent, the other direction.. east + west.

but anyway. after all these years now we know it's horace who's been saying 'you can't do that.' the one who stops rek, stops jaeger probably... affhrrr. i wish i knew.

:: 2005 19 January :: 8.49 pm

half of her should be crushed by a stone.

what happened? to krystalis? mica? lazeyka? where was maikki, even?
ugh, rek.
so is this what happens when we stop remembering...

at least there wasn't blood.

:: 2005 16 January :: 1.15 pm

there has to be a reduction in number, horace growls, we're forgetting the odd ones now and then. and where am i in this mist.
i see maikki, sunset marker.
i see mica.
i see subira, clung to by the dreamscaper; parts of the fog. and she never likes to give the effort to explain what it's like living half-in of this world. are we a product of this world, or it of our dreams? krystalis smirks 'ehcilc' but hey. a notion is a notion.

:: 2005 15 January :: 12.30 am

she's not just this blank slate, she's not just this quiet middleground. she's something on the darker side of grey and this emptiness that she casts out is compressing me in. farther. into myself.
is there something i am searching for? maikki asks. is there something i am headed for? is there something i should be doing? am i looking into this burning sun for a reason? it's a beautiful horizon, but i can't seem to make out whether the way into it will ever end.
or is it just enjoying the walk while watching for the markers that come and go as you're walking on and on, passing and looking for more, this and that so irregular little flags as you go on oh hey come on keep going the sand is pretty in the sunset. don't just ignore it. you see the firecolors. you know they make you smile.

okay.

because when night comes it's the stars that shine.

:: 2005 15 January :: 12.15 am

and i am tired of writing for no one.

:: 2005 11 January :: 2.30 pm

it's okay, general dissention is dispersed among the masses but pretty much silenced/etc when. you know. mica and whateverevr.

i see rek is fuel, consumed constantly for maikki. using anger for self-improvement. no matter the means for that, i think we know. she can let-down, though. she can let you down.

i am tired of this game....

:: 2005 8 January :: 1.01 am
:: Music: tool

oh, release;

tier-rek tears apart the living; tier-beatrice gloats over the dead. she says, the wave could come someday. and then i remember that the wave has come. it is very eerie for two worlds to be linked like this.
the taker-enima is coming.

:: 2005 3 January :: 12.27 pm

oh, and;
where the mind and the heart meet; what kind of a vertex is that...? waking dreams intertwined with sleeping dreamscaped lands. the same essence, waking up to the same thing, the same idea. with it still held in arms. pressed against the heart.
oh, mica. oh, if this was anything but this; things would be so much different. so much more regret. arron can't see anything being left behind as this goes on.
so he leaves broken glass this time as he moves on.