::
2005 3 January :: 12.22 pm
so we went back in time and she took rosewen by the hair before she could make the memories we regret. and she dragged her out of that house and told her to STRAIGHTEN THE FUCK UP and stop dwelling on something that would only bring bad memories and petty heartache. and of course all rose could say was, 'well..! i didn't know...!' she didn't know what was waiting, didn't know what was coming just around the corner. if she'd just had kept her hands and her heart to herself, this would be all the more special now.
jesus christ, since when did rek ever defend mica?
-- |
::
2004 29 December :: 10.06 pm
'give me life;
give me pain;
give me my
self again.'
maikki; quest.
---------------------
'she's been everybody else's girl; maybe someday she'll be her own.'
-of suzy.
-- |
::
2004 28 December :: 1.58 pm
we are trying so hard to not let her destroy this.
maikki's fighting, rek's fighting... why? why why why? what's so wrong with this? why can't we just be plain and simple and happy...?
-- |
::
2004 27 December :: 11.21 pm
so lazeyka's drunk on his own power and it's hard too keep straight what he's saying. though, really, looks like mica's taken the torch and we're just following her now. that's all there is lately.
maikki..... addictions, but she'll spiral out sooner or later and find her true spot. i hope. she's placed wrong. she's named wrong, really. she isn't so bitter. she's just... hm. a bit subira. but not. accepting. 'so these things could kill me. everyone's going to die someday, why should i be afraid of it....?'
eh, huh.
-- |
::
2004 25 December :: 11.17 pm
:: Music: tori amos / carnival
The way you're telling me you're not a dangerous man
I said it again, I'll say again
I'm not that kind of woman
The way you're telling me
Whoa
What you can do
What you can do to me
oh shut up. so i can fake it so i can fight it. who needs real demons..
just hoping this doesn't, he/she doesn't grow, eh?
-- |
::
2004 24 December :: 9.58 pm
the soul of a youth once pious, gone heretic, gone athiest. a loss of beleif in faith, then the loss of faith itself. i suppose it is to be said that bea might have had a hand in horace's turning from his church. they could say, if they beleive he still is alive, 'what made things go so awry for him?' and he just grins, false-armageddons in his eyes. his own version of them. counsel on bea's side; he might use his extensions through constance to keep her alive when she shouldn't stay. but she is. she'll be here past veratrix. sadly.
or purposefully.
still.
the spear is in his hand now, the thorns, the hammer, the nails; go ahead, die for me. and bea says, if mother nature is what you hate, and it is satan which you fear, and, of course, nature is evil; then isn't that... she stutters. it's hard to make sense outside her mind sometimes. nature is satan, she says. and my good lord, you're so good at destroying satan; at destroying satan in all of us. if satan is nature, then let me follow down that path. everyone thinks it's a hell... it's eden.
-- |
::
2004 23 December :: 1.15 am
:: Music: radiohead - street spirit
beatrice is calm, composed. her words don't come off as such; they're heard by everyone else as angry, world-hating, the same as usual. but she is so calm. subira stands by, close. bea almost grins. composed.
rows of houses, bearing down on me.
she takes the blades. she starts her dance. there are no sails here, there is no one else to see except the potential dead. the birds are watching, cracked eggs, dead birds; scream as they fight for life, death impending. she is killing for them. the birds already dead. form a circle before we all go under. she's going around. they're under her feet. bones. blood. the blades still in her hand. spinning.
she'll win someday.
and mica. the fixing, the worst she sees - the gaping holes. vapidity forcing this down. immerse your soul in love. things like that. heard on the radio.
but still.
she does. because she's got lazeyka's version of it; no one else's. she has this. and it's like no one else but him will understand this.
and we're still drenched, the tide still rises irrationally timed.
quieted, sometimes.
all for the better....
-- |
::
2004 22 December :: 12.58 pm
lazeyka - keys, split colors [orange/bluepurple, right and left], blue flame, truth.
cheka - locks, whole colors [redpurple/orange, top and bottom], maroon flares, trust.
there is also the loophole/peg - cheka also means peg, so putting the peg through the loophole keeps it from closing. she might be stubborn, she might be feisty and picky and bitchy, but she still works for lazeyka and constance's side. she does it in a way that seems like she does not care for any side, though. and it almost always ends up, really, that despite her screams otherwise, trust is given. there is a conflict... spiral repetition diameter crossings within her. hm.
lazeyka and cheka - brother and sister; twins, really, but fraternal. their parents separated when they were very young, and lazeyka went to live with one parent while cheka went to live with the other. they did not see much of each other during their childhood, and thus did not really grow up together. cheka was quite apathetic to lazeyka's existence and to creating any kind of relationship with him until he attempted contact with her after he moved out, before he went on the noardol trek to hroneim... they do/did speak and do things together now, though they seem to be more just friends than to be brother and sister.
-- |
::
2004 20 December :: 11.31 pm
again she taunts her
'good shot. you missed.'
and there's that ocean tide rising again.... the whole ocean turning... hm.
-- |
::
2004 20 December :: 11.06 pm
interactions.
arron says, his tears they fall into the fire, he's releived, riddled with regret, saying, 'things just almost fucked up... almost.' and mica's arms are around him, calm as a sisters' [they remind him of echo], and she says, 'don't worry so much about it, arron, god. please.'
cheka is a stubborn, picky one. but she's turning to mica's side, finally. and rek is there, knife in hand, standing at the door. key under her foot. ready to crush it. and cheka just fucking slaps her; no fear to be seen. she is heard to say, 'don't touch this. don't taint this.'
lazeyka's in, the twin. 'and you know no matter how hard you try to fuck this up, you can't. no matter how hard you try. mica's a fucking wall. mica's a fucking galaxy. mica is in all of us, mica's got you, too, don't you see? and it's out of our reach as well. it's out of the castle, it's past the sky.'
rek's in shadow/shock. she didn't think cheka would turn on her like this.
krystalis is pulling a hand-woven film over suzy's face. quiet, my child. you need to dissolve your hardening, saddened, weak heart in this. crash. and we all know she is, right now, since she wouldn't have any objection to it otherwise, a puppet of an incapacitated metus. the encroaching demons. the shaking hands at night. the solitude in being the only one aware of it. of course, mica, she breaks it, doesn't she? she breaks metus' strings every time.
-- |
::
2004 18 December :: 4.39 pm
instinct thriving suzy crying i'm curled up on the floor i'm not bleeding i'm not bleeding not there please god fuck no...
-- |
::
2004 14 December :: 5.04 pm
:: Music: collide - inside
he's talking at her, he's waving the torch in her face like a reprimanding finger. he's getting to her on purpose. 'that thing in your head, you let it take ahold of you. you just let it seep through. erase what little strength you had left.' he sees her eyes squint in disgust and denial. he smirks, and a bit of blue sparks escape his lips. lazeyka's eyes glint orange.
and she's finally sick of it. he can't keep track of her forearm as she knocks the torch aside; rapid reaction. the light falls to the ground, far, fast. her patience has worn thin.
'whatever gave you the fucking idea that i let anyone do anything??' is the growl that is released from her. 'i was incapacitated...!'
'that's just a damn excuse, and you know it. you were just being tired, being lazy, feeling all that comfort wrapped up in subira's soft shroud.'
'fuck you.'
'i'd rather you just get back to where you belong.'
and he's gone, again, phonographscratchesdissapearance. she releases air in a decidedly abhorrential manner. she knows he's right because he always is. and she knows he's right because he is right. she's let her strength slip. rek couldn't pinpoint the beginning even if she could remember better than she does, but there's nothing to do about that now, except to make up for lost strength.
cold showers and boiling water.
early mornings and late nights.
and having some damn willpower for once.
-- |
::
2004 12 December :: 2.41 am
but those words yesterday; they were a whisper of cheka. a long-lost sister, a twin; he'd begun to wonder if he'd dreamed her up in youth; he'd begun to forget.
she's tangled up. these ribbons. locks. i don't think she beleives in mica; not yet. she says, show me. sometimes she pretends she approves but... lazeyka knows different.
she... so confusing. like a damn maze, her words....
-- |
::
2004 10 December :: 11.45 pm
and that voice that says 'trust'...
lazeyka's satisfied. another footstep forward that lands on solid ground.
-- |
::
2004 8 December :: 1.53 am
a bit unravelled.
horace picks himself up again. turn of events had him confused; every day ended an armageddon. how many did he see...? how many times was he left behind...?
but no matter, no matter; that is all behind him now. he takes no joy in his work; yet, he does not consider it work either. the cruel grin is gone; the sneer dissapeared. there is only posture. he stands up straight. he shoves zvekh against the wall, hand to his throat. he actually causes fear in him, now. and the boy is silent now. not like before.
he is ragged, unkempt, apathetic to that. the cross on his arm is fading, but it's still there as a reminder. he works for it no longer. he does this on his own. he does this almost for constance. he does this only to keep his own existence. without action, he dissapates. without causing screams, the world around him falls apart. and he has his own reasons.
rek is too preoccupied to challenge the boy anymore. her job is his now.
suzy and subira merging; soma.
sleep forever.
oh, just.
-- |
::
2004 6 December :: 2.14 am
it's a lot better when keesha decides to come around quite randomly, showing up and flipping things, but all for the better, all for the better.
like the weights; suspended. adding one small one can sink you, but at the same time there are points where lifting one off, and you float the same.
-- |
::
2004 4 December :: 2.19 am
just rotating veiws. zvekh's quieter now, but not because of any argument of rek... mica seems to play peacemaker.. and well.
something light is... something is moving itself out of constance. if she could suspend herself as the mere wheel, now, she could cease her comforts...
alas. kismet is rising.
-- |
::
2004 3 December :: 1.09 am
so now that it's the way it is ]post --[ ... how can any balance be tipped...?
there's a somber. dissapointment. in zvekh.. his naivety is gone. 'that was it..?' that's all we've been missing, all we've been killing over?
he just is who he is.
suzy... the ... crying...
this is getting lower... arron, he mumbles.. this shit, this shit...
but it wasn't....
-- |
::
2004 30 November :: 9.32 pm
very bad stimuli. she says it's bad. and asks 'yhw?'
non-self, that's why.
?dab neeb syawla fles-non sah yhw
because.... lack of self is clinging. onto others. destroying individuality. that's always been a problem.
.naretpodipel deniamer sah syawla dna si tpecnoc taht ezilaer od uoy.
i do, o goddess of irony.
?os
so.... it all comes down to how they perceive you. it all comes down to living in this world and having to be the most respected of the most innovative. which, of course, is always... completely an impossible objective.
?yrt uoy od yhw os
because there's no other way out, no other way to live.
.gniyned si ecirtaeb tahw si sith dna
with all the strength she can muster. but i don't see how it can work. i don't see how we can ever get out in this lifetime.
.won elbissop s'gnihtyna .noitulover-erp gnivil llits er'ouy
.only if...
...fi ylno.
-- |
::
2004 27 November :: 12.44 pm
i keep forgetting ²'s dead evolved/combined [used as ingredient.. haha] in the making of krystalis. an old shell [exoskeleton? cast-off skin? outerself?] of constance combined with ² [which really is just a sort of ...necessary sentience... the characteristics of the being are no matter; a mind is all we need] and... the threads of krystalis, grown on her own; metamorphosised... and.. then.. there she was.
there is here, now, the concept of the mirror. the mirror other-half inside, and the mirror other-half out. you see... what goes on on the other side of the mirror is both under one's control and completely out of it. rest assured, when you move, they will. but you can't go in there and change anything. your fingers touch the glass; there is nothing you can do to see into the mind of the face looking back at you.
returning to krystalis. she, as a self, seems more stable now. the others around her have ... sort of.. accepted a place...? a reason for her to be here. which is ironic, because reason/logic/meaning is her little corner anyway. irony too, but that's not affixed.
meaning itself, and the meaning in things. she asks the question 'why'. grins, her teeth are malaligned, wrongly placed; she is teasing with the symbolism [or lack thereof] in this. eight-winged lepidoptera always keeps up. her obsession with numbers and colors never stops. higher-order forced thought, if anything, but she's still quite effective nonetheless.
-- |
|