::
2004 27 October :: 11.58 pm
i'd completely forgotten how strong lazeyka was getting. not anything i should forget about, but really, mica is distracting... she envelops thoughts like.. smoke.
.......how do i explain. it is him and mica mostly now, keesha too, which is good, it's balance and better and we're just waiting. but at the same time, the fact that everything's balanced... seems to... disturb rek. where is the darkness she hides in? she is the shadow all light has to make.
it seems as if there is absolutely no reason for her to be here, but she forces herself in anyway. and denying her existence is nearly impossible. she's muffled. not as much as metus is.. metus crawls out now and then but it's half-so, more like ghost-reach, her ghost-hand. which is easily stepped over. anyway. [ignoring this wasn't such a good idea, mica... everything's a mess now.]
lyrics - 'i miss the comfort in being sad' - rek echoes. mica denies it, because she knows the majority does not. that darkness is not missed. plague.... dammit, shut up.
every thought i have, lazeyka translates. forces out. he speaks and i speak of everything that rek does, of everything that happens, whether or not it will bring about a positive effect. [zvekh stopped him tonight, though. ugh. ugh. mantra shakes her head.]
this is all he does: truth. this is his word. he finds the loopholes through the lies, finds his way in, and we breathe in and he speaks 'this THIS is what is going on. nothing else. no desire for another option because this one is false, for this here is real, true, thus why i am stronger than ever.' it's mica's fault, really. all this honesty. but no one's complaining.. she's done the impossible, which is to have made nearly everyone get along in peace. zvekh and rek, even -- the strongest area. one that no one would think ever would have happened, but it did. beatrice and suzy made realizations, stopped fighting. what.... see, this is an intense revelation. i -- we all are -- at peace. [does anyone who reads this realize how much of.. a fucking.. epiphany happened? i couldn't stand to sort it out into words for days on end. it's still hard now. but.] for even rek, if it weren't for the shadow she makes. for the cracks she tries to make in the patched-up wall. and still, mica passes on her. grins at her. laughs at her. she is just a phase and she'll break.
and you, you, you; you are to blame for all of this.
-- |
::
2004 26 October :: 6.28 pm
rek opens her mouth and a dull mumble static noise comes out. mica hears it as words.... and she snorts. she giggles. she starts laughing. 'oh... oh ho hoho... oh, my god... you really think... any of us are going to beleive that?!'
and rek shuts up. mica smiles. she won again.
-- |
::
2004 25 October :: 7.32 pm
stop it
stop it and mica stops you but just come on stop it
-- |
::
2004 23 October :: 1.56 am
's much as i think i need your strength, i might have to destroy you.
such is life.
also -- rek blaming shit on metus is not a good fuckin' plan. running like arron you are. stay still.
-- |
::
2004 21 October :: 12.48 pm
in this silent chaos, the tables had turned; and now rek protects mica with her life. and her life is a long one.
metus is restrained; pinned chained shackled down; she's muzzled and muted and masked. hidden. shut up. if she was not necessary for a balancing/restraining mechanism as herself in form, she'd be dead. but we're not dumb and irrational here; you could kill her off, but she could return just as strong, perhaps stronger, result of repressant. like rosewen... she's dead, but she came back twofold -- in both zvekh and mica. there's something about learning a lesson here.
i don't think mere lepidopteran wings can symbolize this infiltration.
-- |
::
2004 19 October :: 5.24 pm
i'm sorry, i've stopped faking. and because i've stopped faking i can't manage this journal much with the details anymore. not unless it's just technical information.
um. hiatus.
[edit] okay, maybe not hiatus. but certainly i can't keep pretending i have something to say every day anymore. i want to clean this out and figure out what's real again. again all over again.
[illusionary masterpeice?]
-- |
::
2004 18 October :: 9.38 pm
got a reason to kill now, don't mess
-- |
::
2004 17 October :: 11.31 pm
i can't hear anyone but mica anymore
not even rek
just .... that whiny obsessed lovestruck cat-thing.
drowning out.
-- |
::
2004 17 October :: 1.49 am
loves change. keep it coming
-- |
::
2004 15 October :: 1.37 pm
swallow swallow her whole star intact
her whole star intact
her whole star intact
sitting in there a quiet cocoon waiting for the day waiting for no day waiting for every day
wondering if i should let her go and be swept down by rek's riptide, or just keep floating here.
i'm still physically alone among everyone anyway. less so with das herz hier, but they're on the inside and i'm waiting for the outside. rek should be happy; we get to be on the solitary for longer than expected. of course no one else is happy, not really as much as they could be.
mica is angry with her and with the words she says that try to kill this. that try to cast off mica drowning into the ocean depths. because even though she's only one, rek's pretty loud and influential.
bah
-- |
::
2004 14 October :: 10.23 pm
is like distance.
losing touch
but still familiar. mica's obsessed with making me see this smoke everywhere i go. smoke and dreams, same wings, almost breaks when i see through it. and then she feels dissapointed in me.
-- |
::
2004 12 October :: 6.36 pm
working it slowly from the inside out.
god, just fucking slap her already.
[if you weren't my strength]
-- |
::
2004 12 October :: 2.27 pm
and rek is, slowly but surely, accepting the stability that mica is offering. there are no outbursts, no conflicts, though she does whisper negative words at her now and then. but mica... even if she's not truly, loves to pretend she's half lepidopteran....she brushes such words aside, she smiles, and she whispers louder. she's got constance on her side, thus she's got lazeyka on her side.
and suzy burst out crying the other day, she said, [taken out for personal reasons]
...........................hm
mica is.. fucking.. winning over everything. change is good.
-- |
::
2004 11 October :: 5.01 pm
:: Music: stiaw evol eurt
i'm not living.
i'm just killing time.
[until]
[just]
[mica's breath around me]
[i can't stop smiling, i can't stop smiling, i can't stop smiling; mica and keesha back together again..]
-- |
::
2004 10 October :: 12.04 pm
:: Music: mew - mica
You helped me again to think of the unthinkable things.
Not to wallow in self-pitying pathetic dreams.
You know what I mean.
Not to wallow in heart ache.
Amor, settle for a small dart if you can’t find it in your heart.
But there’s a big noise from her chest.
-- |
::
2004 9 October :: 2.38 pm
:: Music: nin/thewretched
dissapointment
just a reflection
just a glimpse
just a little reminder
of all the what abouts
and all the might have
could have beens
another day
some other way
but not another reason to continue
and now you're one of us
the wretched [the broken]
the hopes and prays
the better days
the far aways
forget it
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to, did it? [NO]
now you know
this is what it feels like.
mica's eyes are frustrated, she doesn't want to stop, she doesn't want to accept this BUT
but
BUT.
rek's knee is on her chest and she's pressing down, shouting in her face, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, FUCKER.
there is a grin, a slap. and now rek is grinning over her, her hair over her eyes, hanging loose, dark, dirty, pressing this bright child into the dirt, crushing. the mud gets deeper, and there's nothing for her to hold on to, but mica is still, she's still fucking smiling at her again like this.
she knows this is what it feels like and she doesn't give a shit. she can stop and start anytime she wants. she fades out like a bad videotape, a scratched phonograph. she says, you push me down into the mud, you try and shut me up like this because of metus, isn't it? and rek's eyes grow hard and she snarls at her, she strikes her yet again, with that word no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no
no i don't let her control me like that
no, that's NOT fucking it.
mica echoes, no, that's not it. you just want to win, you just want to stay together unscathed, isn't that it?
and here, rek, she pauses, she pauses, she looks this girl over again and she says, don't try to fake me out like this, LAZEYKA.
the phonograph record again
a glowing orange a glowing violet
and suddenly she's alone, rek drops into the mud, there's no one there.
nothing remaining but a key under her hand.
broken.
-- |
::
2004 7 October :: 9.10 pm
mica doesn't give a damn if she's bleeding, she keeps going on. she's got jaeger's blood; she won't live forever, she'll age, but she won't die of wounds, oh no. so no matter what rek does to her... no matter what, she can't destroy her.
not yet.
won't happen.
see echoes repetitions gotta keep telling yourself the truths. and see now lazeyka's a bit better off a bit better feeling, because metus's subsided [for now] and see mica's got her way, spoiled but she's got her way, strawberry blood everywhere, lepidoptera wings, making us shake like this, holding off zvekh at the same time, which is something that rek duly appreciates, so in all reality, she doesn't start fights with mica much at all.
because rek understands that mica is... inexplainably.. a helluva lot better balancing all of this than rosewen ever was. even when rosewen was dead and zvekh taking his place, claiming rose's but really not owning up to it at all, there was still imbalance, unacceptance. but, scales, leverage, now, better; consumption of those stars blacktangledheart letting the wind take the tracks in the sand and mica can fight and mica can fight and keesha blinks with a smile lingering justletitlinger -- even ² won't do anything, can't do anything, the lingering lingers
mica's steps
breaking strings
blood and heart[s]
breaking through
oh, shut up and forget this.
-- |
::
2004 6 October :: 10.00 pm
:: Music: fuel - shimmer
She calls me from the cold
Just when I was low, feeling short of stable
And all that she intends
And all she keeps inside, isn't on the label
She says she's ashamed
And she can take me for a while
And can I be a friend, we'll forget the past
But maybe I'm not able
And I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again
She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools that fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend
We're here and now, but will we ever be again
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away....
Guess I'll let it go
rek + me.
[and later a strawberryblood see mica got herself in here again]
-- |
::
2004 6 October :: 8.05 pm
and in a few hours it was almost settled. mica took rosewen's place and set metus back. she said, 'shut your fucking face. i was born for this.'
and now there's this, and i don't care about the fear anymore, zvekh can't do a damn thing, it's settled, it's settled, it's settled.
oh, it's better this way.. keesha's younger sister being this leaves arron feeling a bit relieved; hopefully there will be less bad tracks behind us. and she can fight, and she's not both, and she can grin without feeling false. except for this feeling of sickness, but that'll pass, and it doesn't feel bad, anyway.
[please don't be a premonition, suzy mumbles, i want rek to accept her and accept this setup so we can all feel a bit more... like... the scales are balanced. inherent in the system.]
<3?
-- |
::
2004 6 October :: 4.38 pm
this world is seldom seen
aka
i didn't recognize my face in the mirror this morning. i expected me to be someone else. i don't know who, though, i don't know what else.... and i didn't realize i wasn't who i was expecting to be until i saw myself... and it was just... i don't know. dreamscaper's tricks, maybe?
i could pretend and say i thought i was supposed to be rek, but maybe that's not it.
if it was, i might have wanted to shatter the mirror with my hand, send it through like she sent hers through.
i realize now i didn't like who i was, what i looked like, either. a moment where it wasn't even lazyeki's words, just him. somehow it felt wrong. i looked wrong. svorna barn. i went down the stairs and thought about how maybe if i had had longer hair i would have been the person i was supposed to be when i started life.
all this writing over something that happened in less than three seconds, but all the same.
-- |
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