:: 2004 28 August :: 10.04 pm

fuck.
fuck
fcuk fuck fuck fuck FCU FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUC KFG

NO. NO. NOT ANYMORE. I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU ANYMORE. I. DON'T. FUCKING. CARE. ANYMORE.
subira in rage. STOPS. everything.

horace - msi backmask.

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:: 2004 28 August :: 8.56 pm
:: Music: rubicon/distant

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:: 2004 25 August :: 11.37 pm

repairing [licking] wounds and getting on with how things go. rek's trying to avoid lazeyki, but that's not guaranteeing he'll stay away from her.

a soft dawn; the constance in arclight flows through him. her inevitable attachment to this.
farewell to dawns
seen through saddened eyes.
this seems normal. this seems how things should be. and subira agrees; just calm down and let it go.

--

:: 2004 24 August :: 1.07 am

but it's forced realization with kindness. [time to make ² blind? or would that just be giving in to rek's masking whims?]

pain and creating a being, constance continually realizes, are simple ways of reaffirming the clearest illusion of existence we have. and, with the birth of zvekh, the first time she'd ever created someone in the usual sense, she experienced both severely.

and she says, words to lazeyki, he whispers, echoes, i exist. you don't.
false creations; made of nothing into nothing. but still there, somehow. bending rules and complicating simplicity.

--

:: 2004 22 August :: 11.12 pm
:: Music: collide

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:: 2004 21 August :: 10.49 pm

rek is the only one entitled to the 'blood wings'... she is the only one for whom, when releasing blood from a body, gains a sort of freedom. the others.... petty fun, worthless reasons.

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:: 2004 20 August :: 3.50 pm

razor sharp knives.

ekaterina still can't get over those few days alone... she's unforgiving, in that respect.

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:: 2004 18 August :: 4.40 pm

a steady incline. keesha's remedies, those new pills, calm her... she is still who she is; but more evened out, more stable. on those pills, her sight, her eyes return. there is little regret or worry. but there is also a bit of boredom... there is no mass expending of energy, since she must avoid sleep at all costs. awake, she can influence. asleep, rek overcomes, despair overcomes; and it is harder to wake her once there is such overcast.

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:: 2004 16 August :: 10.55 pm

one of the most frightening aspects of constance is her ability to [willingly or not] bend and inevitably destroy the illusion of reality. which, to us, means basically the destruction of reality itself. remnants of this passed into the subjects of the experiments, through the use of constance in the preliminary experiment and through the techniques the hronic dragons devised with aid from her as well. the first few years [perhaps decades] after the subjects emerged from the experiment, the effects of this were miniscule, unnoticeable. however, when the effects seemed to set in obviously [such as lack of age after a decade or so] and warp slightly, the ones involved became aware of an ability that, in years to come, would prove quite helpful to each of them, individually.
a bit following in constance's path, there was the capacity to change forms [to be vague]. the first total form, and only one for a bit of time, was tierform. this was the changing -- to us, perhaps devolving -- into a beast-like form similar to a panther or wolf, depending on species.
there was, also, in the early stages, the changing of certain aspects of the initial original form at the subject's whim. one of the most obvious and recognizeable of these are rek's large claws, which gives an example -- a sort of enhancing, manipulating, of the body itself at will.
much later, there is also the possibility of manipulating others' selves, even into tierform; and not soon after that, the molding of the 'environment' -- ambience, atmosphere, surroundings -- to the subject's whim as well. this latter one is limited, however, and harder to control, depending on the individual. most use it as illusionary techniques, like making it seem there is light-refection when there is none [vague, but basically seeing something that's not truly there].
there is, however, not a chance that any of these individuals holds any power to destroy the illusion of reality. it's the irony in this -- the one who wishes to create can mostly only destroy; and those who wish to destroy can just create. though the subjects of the experment are far more powerful than any normal being of any species [besides the hronic dragons], constance's level, compared to these, is practically infinite.
etc etc.
[she does not love she does not hate.]

--

:: 2004 14 August :: 9.38 pm
:: Music: hungry lucy - her song

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:: 2004 14 August :: 12.37 am

it's funny, though. a one-woman atheist army. a queen of nothing, now; though she does wear a crown. a general of no one but herself, but she commands, and all who disobey do suffer. she wears these symbols, laughs in your face.
and the irony, the irony in that her only companion is, truthfully, a preist. well, in all honesty, an ex-preist. but those mechanisms are still embedded in him.....
and yes... his ties with rek are not entirely unfounded. they are linked in far more than just the same experiment.... he's managed to transfer his values into her, to the extent that this... this seems to be the origin of all her outbursts, violence, suppression. the reason.
[phoenix occultus.]
he is calm, he is stable, he is unstable, he is violent. he is unplaced and unfounded and, says lazeyki, does not belong.

--

:: 2004 12 August :: 12.55 am

the capture of constance
the white one looks at lazeyka. she glances at him, gazes; their eyes meet. her voice is soft when she speaks in his native language -- "oh, but if this was not supposed to happen, do you think i would have let it....?" a grin. no one else sees. lazeyka is frozen, astonished, immobile. and yet, with her words, a calmness has come over him....

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:: 2004 12 August :: 12.15 am

"the problem with zvekh," says rek, "is that constance always keeps an eye on him. plus, he's got that damn lazeyki watchdog with him."
jaeger's expression is dry. "i don't want to get involved with your petty feuds, rek, as much as i wouldn't mind slitting his little throat."
lazeyka coughs. he is standing in the doorway, unseen until now. he is grinning when rek looks at him. "frau," he addresses jaeger, "they're far from petty." he steps into the room. rek glares at him, though not as bad as she normally would.
lazeyka gives her an almost apathetic glance back. "he's used to your beatings. and i don't know if you've figured this out yet, but i've managed to transfer the parasite into him. to him... it doesn't do as much as it did to me, or nearly half as much as what was done to rosewen. it seems to have favored him."
"dammit." rek curses. "fuck. does this mean i can't get rid of the fucker?"
lazeyka shakes his head slightly. "it doesn't mean anything except that no matter what you do to him, it won't affect what he does. he'll still try to speak, he'll still be here. he just can take what you dish out, unlike rosewen." he lowers his head, comes a bit closer. rek's disgust is clear now. "i suggest you take a step back, stop this abuse of him, and let things even out."
"NO." not a second passes, and she slaps him. "fuck you for suggesting that. it's fucking balanced now." she stands up, spits at his feet. "don't suggest that shit."
"you'll come around." he mutters. "constance will see to it."
"constance, constance... goddammit. i really don't care about the system... i fucking.... jesus.." she steps away. out the window, a light shines in the distance; it's the parasite, she realizes.
rek screams in frustration. just shreiks. lazeyka looks at her; jaeger leaves. moments go by and she's stuck there on the floor.
"i wish you could even this out... why can't you accept that it's even now? nothing's falling apart..."
"but things are falling apart. zvekh shouldn't be alive, because rosewen shouldn't have died. and yet she is dead, and so is he alive. as much as you want to deny it, it's your fault these things have been brought about." he kneels. "you should listen to beatrice. there's a hope and possibility in her rantings that not i nor constance can't give you." he pats her on the head, stands up, starts to leave. lazeyka pauses in the doorway for a moment, and speaks. "if you can't stop beating on zvekh, at least try to move him in a better direction."
"that's what i'm trying to do..." rek mumbles. "that's... that's what i've been trying to do..."
even if that's so... you're not succeeding. he thinks, and steps out into the dark hall.

--

:: 2004 11 August :: 6.52 pm

zvekh and lazeyki conspire together, hidden under khepri's apathetic cloud. to them, it seems like they are distant halfbrothers, mother constance linking them. they hide from rek, from the bouts of pain she deals on zvekh. he knows if he could stop provoking it, she would stop abusing him. but he can't. not as long as he's silenced like this.
zvekh is mute to everyone but lazeyki; and even then he must watch what he speaks. when he speaks. if he lets out the smallest word when rek is around.... but it's okay like this. lazeyki is nice, he thinks. there's no restraining anything when he's around. in tierform, lazeyki lets out the furies of rek just as zvekh does; but loophole can handle it, and he does. and in anthrohuman form, rek calms down. her violent madness is lessened when lazeyki is there.

the castle looms, the darkness of der herz. beatrice scoffs it, but she is still always in this realm. wandering the grass, the trees. destroying the buildings she finds on this ground. the gates, the walls span immeasurable lengths. this peice of world is removed from this world, and yet remains a part of it.
constance remains the same, but... lazeyki knows, sees that she does change as time goes on, ever so slowly.

--

:: 2004 9 August :: 1.54 pm

back in noardol, lazeyka was able to become a member of the facility which held and analyzed constance. he made sure the others handled her gently -- not like some object that was to be torn apart and sacrificed in the name of science. often, he would stay late, and stand in front of her capsule, holding his gaze upon her. when the noardols finally discovered the reason for her immortality, as they had intended, lazeyka clamored for her release; but the noardols were not so quick to let such a rare and remarkable specimen go so easily.
lazeyka, now obsessed with her in almost a worshipping sense, volunteered himself as the first guinea pig to have themselves put through the process of making an organism immortal -- his reason for this being it would let him stay with her, keep this from happening again, to be a protector of sorts. [a result of childish naivety, lack of sleep, and the obsession which was running his mind.] thought there were a few minor glitches at first, the experiment was a success. an attribute [one of the glitches] of this experiment that would be later removed from the process [as would be used on rek and horace later] was a slight personality alteration; a sort of infusing of constance herself with the subject, mentally and ethereally. this gives lazeyka [and thus not any others who had later been subjects] a unique view on the world, and an influence on others which borders on god-like -- or at least, gives others the feeling of something far more than what we would call 'human'.
lazeyka saw that he could use this to influence the scientists to finally release constance, since they had successfully found a way to bring about their goals. they did; but constance was not the same as she had been before the experiments. the scientists had, in a sense, robbed her of her immortality. she stayed with lazeyka for a period of time; then confessed to him that she would soon die. however, she told him, she would not leave the world -- instead, she would be reincarnated in different forms, living out different lives in different ways. as before, there would never be a moment when she would not be there in the world somehow. she convinced him to find a path of his own and not to follow her; he would just lose himself doing that.
after her first death, lazeyka buried constance's original body in the cold snows of zamertnyj, an abandonded wasteland, so that hopefully no one would find them. her remains, being the first and original, still held a prominence and importance that was unlikely for her to be reborn into.

--

:: 2004 9 August :: 12.43 pm

[oh, and of course we have to go and forget about the war between the {hronic} dragons and the {kondensal} tigers... but details unknown thus far.. so... acceptable?]

the information that the noardols had discovered which described immortality was helpful and insightful, and, of course, inspired many experiments; but it was far from complete. so the capture, retainment, and analyzation of an immortal being to discover the true, detailed way for infinite life to be attained was necessary to complete this discovery.
at this point in time, constance was a being which took any form. she played up to the expectations of those who came upon her; to the noardols, she seemed to be more ethereal, goddess-like to them. to the dragons, she had seemed more of a peer; these being the creations of her colleagues, she decidedly felt at a higher level, and thought she should appear as such -- and the noardols did expect her to be as well. when coming upon and communicating with another being, she would always take the special* form of whoever had encountered her.
so who, then, did she come upon to take the canid form we know her as? lazeyka.
he was a wolfcanid of the southern plains; but with the slow integration of other species into noardish culture, he had no choice but to join the ranks of the noardish. he ended up a scientist, and, spurred by legends that had been told by his dying tribe when he was young, joined them on the latest segment in the scientific quest for immortality.
being one of the only non-felid species in this mission [and the only canid], lazeyka always would feel a loneliness the others could not help him with. sometimes at night, he would wander out into the desert, watching the moons and stars, and admiring the look of the ruins in their light. he always thought heavily of his tribe during these times, and often of the tales he had been told of a pale ethereal being who appeared the same generation after generation. one of these nights, he wandered especially far from the camp, and became lost in the dunes. he looked around frantically for a marker of some sort; and, in the moonlight, spied a white being, a white female canid, standing on a distant dune. after a few minutes of being frozen in shock, he got over his astonishment enough to proceed to advance towards her. he came within ten or so feet of her; at which she moved for the first time, and looked back over her shoulder to whatever was downhill of the dune. when he looked over the ridge, the noardish encampment was within view. when he looked back towards her, she was gone.
needless to say, lazeyka was shaken up [though not necessarily in a bad way] by this experience; and started to question whether the noardols really needed to capture such a being. however, when he confessed what had happened to him and questioned the need for such measures, the noadols met him with hostility. out of fear of them, he was not able to stop them from finding and seizing her [though to ease his guilt, he did not help them in this venture, either]. through the trip back to noardol, he stayed within sight of the vehicle carrying her. talking with the noardols over her possible origins and being, he was even the one to coin the name 'constance' for her -- deriving it from the idea of her being the 'constant' of that world of flux and the species which inhabited it.
to be continued.

*[spee see uhl - of species.. not 'speshul'.]

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:: 2004 9 August :: 12.49 am
:: Music: kraid/metroid

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:: 2004 7 August :: 11.56 pm

when the heittjardians colonized what would be noardol, the indigenous species -- which were wolf-like, as opposed to the felid heittjardians -- split into two groups, one moving south and one north. the northern ones got lighter fur, and now inhabit modern zamertnyj and krovlandia. the southern group lessened in light color, being more brown, grey, and black. they also became a bit more assimilated into noardish culture, not having a mountain range to devide them.
southeastern noardol 'today' is similar to the southeastern u.s. [ie., rednecks, banjos, accent -- moreculturally, then] this is where lazeyka is from... youth/etc unknown. however, he was a scientist involved in the experiments of the noardish government which brainwashed/gave immortality/etc.. because of a close tie to constance [after finding out she reincarnates], back then which bordered on naive love, he managed to get himself into the immortalitizing section of the experiment... in the end, he did manage it. though sometimes he later regrets it... he's managed to live with it. blah blah. needs refining.

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:: 2004 6 August :: 11.59 pm

[summer] .. very high rate of.. mor ta li ty.

lazeyka comes and goes, with subira, trailing absences of thought behind. always trailing. dragging. pulling.
one eye dilated, the rope is breaking. half in, half out.

little ekaterina shivers, shakes; she's hidden in the wilderness, alone. the night is ending, dawn is starting... but instead of releif, she feels fear. a nocturnal species... it's as if everything around her can see her now. she can't sleep. she's just a child. such fear, such fear.

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:: 2004 4 August :: 5.41 pm
:: Music: rasputina - secret message

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