::
2004 15 July :: 8.46 pm
echoing again.
-- |
::
2004 15 July :: 8.44 pm
if i let beatrice take over maybe i can be a source instead but.
that's risky.
-- |
::
2004 15 July :: 8.30 pm
i can't help it. ² is an echo.
well, reverberation.
no... all echoes. rek's an echo. [sortingsorting]
thingslikethis usually end up having several meanings. [and suzy speaks echoes.]
it's hard being nothing... or. since it's all you know. it's not so.
I'm sorry, what?
no no, just behind/SHOULDN'T READHTOSE THIGNS ² gets..................out.
i can't stop this. excess. repetition. these damn external echoes the echoes.
i, echo. us, echoes of echoes. original sources have little or no idea they have echoes.
this..... sucks. being an echo. i want to be a fucking SOURCE for chrissakes.
-- |
::
2004 14 July :: 11.42 pm
says, following is not advancing.
there needs to be a growth. something. sharp.
[everchanging meansnothing] &repeat. i would say, constance's song.
[echoes] [still echoing] [i would say]
there needs to be a growth, something torn from the inside, not just an echo a rehash [so lightly echoed irony ha.] [saying irony an echo] [we are echoes] [our existance, an echo]
. . . .andstop.
-- |
::
2004 14 July :: 7.58 pm
and i think about these things at night floating in like nothing... horace has been quiet. i can't ever pint point him... categorizing seems like bullshit now, why restrain certain areas to one alone? i am, repeatedly, the same.
horace is not acceptable to society.
he sits there now and then just... not caring who enters/leaves or etc etc. what a guard eh?
anyway, these suggestions.. kenni thinks of things i never do. i have boring. life. living. for nothing. and. just. i just. [me me me]
rek sat in the back, jaeger in the front, me first even though we live forever. uncaring. must keep self acceptably clean destruction on everything and everyone else. and then just self what the word we always avoid -- sitting without a seatbelt, waiting to be flung through the windsheild. constance.. sits. she would avoid this only because she knows pain and pain is known / to be / painful.
she can't do anything, she just sits there. inside everything.
rien.
+ one name.
kenni's movements in here. mantra grows up too fast... her being young seems.... that seems.... that seems so past. but it's not. linear-wise, it's not. still. being aware of the mountain range, of events the peaks the valleys the clouds ever lightly rarely never touching vi si on brings on things. they're just ideas. no, just. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii evennnnnnnnnnts i :slow drone continues: ttttthhhhiisssss isssss nnnnoottttt hooowwww thhhiingngsss aarrreee seeeeennnnnnnnnnnn......... . . . . . . . . . . . . .
and standing here alone in my own empty void and i couldn't stand being myself without the ones inside.
-- |
::
1313 13 July :: 2.13 am
AND IF RAIN BRINGS WINDS OF CHANGE
LET IT RAIN ON US FOREVER.
-- |
::
2004 13 July :: 1.14 am
:: Music: vnv nation - left behind
and beatrice touches rek's face; she says something... she repeats things... she wishes more would listen....
Unable to fight
Unwilling to wake
To open your eyes
Face your oppressor
Still you go on
Convinced it will end
Can you remember
A day when it was not
Not like this
Here I stand
Unable to tell you
I'm trying to say
Nothing is wrong
Please open your eyes
Nothing is wrong....
so many times she will repeat... and....
just.... no one will listen.
she hardly ever gets desperate like this, but... trying.... trying... all these sad faces, in this place, the result of that which she's been fighting. and there's nothing happening, it feels like no one is opening their eyes. no one can... she has no patience..
'open your eyes! see this..! see what you do to yourself, what your ancestors made for you... you don't have to follow it.. please. this unfulfilling life is not the only way.... please, can't someone listen...?'
to the darkness, rek's mute eyes, closed ears.
please.
please.
this is... hope...
-- |
::
2004 12 July :: 9.11 pm
LOVING CRACKS the shatterings breaking of the whole the portions and partitionings and ² grins.
but she also wonders, are we too far in to back out and start again? with what? what would we have? wouldn't it be so hard to try to do this thing that was nothing?
but 1+2=3.
we would have figured it out, eventually... right?
right.. . . . .?
[doubt]
-- |
::
2004 12 July :: 12.45 am
HAHA ² .... inyourfuckingface.
your. face.
bring me down will you YOUWON'T.
sealed up leak
looks up bright day tomorrow's today
it's passed. past.
at least, until. you know. circles and. again. around. but. down up. up now. and. i . an d. i am just stable being unstable now.
-- |
::
2004 11 July :: 4.25 pm
:: Music: following you
subira subira where are you please switch on subira subira where are you please switch on
reflex/taught consisdered forced mechanism but now it is . . . . inherent?
² is forcefulFORCEFULFORCEFUL
shoving rek down
a different version, still the same, i wish understood and such dissapointment in you and in me so much more and just i'm watching from behind your tracks confess i a just with to i just i just i.
this smells.... and will give memory.
[stuck]
[in time]
[i can't stop please subira where are you]
-- |
::
2004 11 July :: 1.06 pm
taking this lightly now, but.
once ² breaks down [she won't but still] or/at least/ but/ no sleep. no eat. nothing until IMPROVEMENT. and you think you can stop, too, when you've reached it? no you must SURPASS.
i know it's impossible, but. it's better than nothing.
being nothing at least means you have something to work up from.
-- |
::
2004 10 July :: 10.48 pm
rosewen's true death comes with the final forgetting of her ever existing.
until then, she's set in memory and dream.
-- |
::
2004 10 July :: 6.55 pm
right here, now
these things a residue from constance's pastlives -- peices left over. opinions, reflections, beings. etc. isself is nothing.
it's hard to be wrong.
a. l. s. o.
rek seems [perhaps] currently incapacitated? since when ever did keesha reign like this?
i've noticed no one has taken a liking to beatrice. well. no one would like anyone who's opinionated, stubborn, quick-tempered, antisocial, etcetc. but i still love her and that's all that matters. she's strong too, and what can you do without that? nothing.
notes, notes.
seems ² is '[iknowbut]' err... [ gasp ] ... second in line, behind. when bad takes over worse.
competition. feeling so behind [working feverishly] in a game where only ² knows she's in it.
also, ² leaks. this, not good.
also.
so.
-- |
::
2004 9 July :: 2.31 pm
:: Music: MSI - capital P
woke up in keesha's white eyes; considering the last few days, this is unusual. but i would say the few hours before dawn were the most grueling, but now that it's here -- earlier than expected, and not in the form that was anticipated as well -- we might as well live for/with it.
expectations, expectations.
also, ² is rising up to ^1 but not really. back under sometimes, but still. keesha says, there are no numbers. keesha says, judging like this is far too harsh. keesha says, just be, just do what you like.
we need to listen to keesha more.
-- |
::
2004 8 July :: 4.04 am
the realization that ² is not good enough.
that ² is not orginal.
that ² will be second to those who will never be second to none.
in a game where this is all that matters, ² is, to quote the dead, the worst at what ² does best.
a snapped wrist.
² works her bones to oblivion, works her hands to pain, ² suffers through this to get.... nowhere.
² never gets anywhere.
² can never change the game; the game is just too large, too strong, has too many numbers. too many stubborn numbers. and this is ironic, because before ² was ² they all told her the game was in her hands and she could change it if she tried.
so many lies to such a gullable pre-².
no one listens to ², because ² doesn't speak loud enough. in truth and false.
² thinks about death a lot, especially making ² feel it herself. this seems the only way out of the game.
she thinks, if you can't change the game, forfiet.
² also feels guilty for thinking this. ² was trained to feel guilty about everything. ² knows saying these things aloud will work against her, ² knows that a lot of the ones in the game think that everyone who considers forfeiting is a coward. that the numbers considering forfeiting are gambling for attention and don't really mean it.
² has felt this for a long, long time.
² still wonders if she means it.
² also thinks now that everyone who considers forfeiting means it, and that it's the game that gives this idea. the game with no way out.
the game was made by players who played another game -- ones they were suited for -- long, long ago. these numbers wanted to control their own game... and they managed to make their own, and did. but now the numbers that came from these numbers are suffering, because this game isn't the one they were supposed to play.
and they say to themselves, this game is fine.
the other game is unacceptable.
even after so many forfeit. so many consider forfeiting, so many are damaged in ways that the numbers continually accept as something that's normal.
no one wants to realize that this game isn't the game they should be playing.
² says these things sometimes to herself. ² says these things to numbers who she thinks can listen. ² would never admit these things to anyone who might actually be able to change the game.
² wishes she could show people what's in her heart and mind, and what makes her think these things.
² can't.
² won't.
² can speak with her fingers but not with her mouth.
² wants to forfeit sometimes. ² wants to change the game sometimes too. and sometimes ² even thinks she can change the game.
² thinks in circles, about the game, about changing the game, about forfeiting the game.
² hates the game.
² hates the game.
² hates the game.
the game makes ² useless and worthless. and anyone who tries to argue ²'s worthlessness is a blind fool.
what ² does best is worthless, useless.
² will die unfulfilled.
² will never see the game destroyed.
anything ² can create and anything ² can destroy is pointless.
² wasn't meant for this game.
² hates the game.
-- |
::
2004 7 July :: 8.26 pm
beatrice now influences the dreamscaper...? what is this meaning... ghh.
to giving up, rek and subira conspired; whispering.
anything you can create, anything you can destroy, it means nothing, it affects nothing.
you are out of the loop; no system would be lost without you.
give up.
get yourself gone.
.....[why do they want to destroy the system..?]
-- |
::
2004 6 July :: 10.43 pm
these dawns after death
keep ringing through my burnt eyes
beauty of ruin
everything destroyed, though the remnants still remain. everyone knows that the light brings a new beginning.
winds of change
a new dawn
it's still... this time, static, is four am. we can see the light after apocalypse starting to grow on the horizon. it's blue and grey in one, the clouds catch it. but it's slow, and still quite distant.
that eradication destruction is unequatable and unprecedented, but. it couldn't be helped.
and strangely, was incredibly subtle.
suddenly subira reigned supreme.
so quiet yet always there... wouldn't even let herself be recognized til almost a year after. no, over a year. she just stood outside the gates looking in.
in a few moments, just on a whim, she strolled in. horace had no objection to her that day.
this odd, stupid allegory. that time is a cd that has already been burned, been written, and we are only listening to the single track part of the way through. i can't keep putting constance in here, but i know she's there. [oh hell why not.] she'd be the cd, if anything.
and keesha... is just living. this isn't death like it usually is, anyway. she understands when things need/have to change, when things have no other choice, that things always fall apart no matter what you do.
she feels the wind, doesn't matter to her.
-- |
::
2004 4 July :: 9.02 pm
:: Music: rammstein - mutter
with sudden clarity,
she turns, hands it [a book?] to 'me' and.
a mirror.
words.
i can't remember. just a memory of rosewen....
no. her only way out of being locked in time; through the dreamscaper.
ich will die Anfang entdecke. der mutter. der allen.
[ich selbst... die tiefste. drin. sie das hierbei grinst.]
AUFENHALTEN SIE AN MIR ANGRINSENDEN.
this [diese]
is [ist]
so [sehr]
wrong [Unrecht]
german through jaeger [NANZIEGEN ich kreischen. und gelaechter.]
ha ha.
ha.
[dies Kiefer ist einfach.]
but this is bad, like relearning lost memory [ich nicht koenne diese dinge daran denke. diese Woerter.]
i can hear her words so well through this language.
'er ist eben an ein besser Stelle.'
['what, in heaven?'] 'was, in Himmel?'
'nein. an die Boden.'
und abermals, galaechter.
sie gehen, schritt um schritt. der Junge eben ist ein Leiche. sie grinst. Tod zu es ist schoen. aber das ist deutlich.
ich etwas neu wollen.
jaeger. speaks.
[right click save target as]
-- |
::
2004 4 July :: 3.41 pm
:: Music: vnv nation - rubicon
makaret.... why does he keep showing up? around the gates he lingers. he is not near der herz, but he comes closer, drifts away, and then comes closer still, each time around. he can be seen clearly from the gates at all times. and even horace considers him; he has rarely, if ever, been shooed away. and of course, he has been let in the first gate a few times as well.
still, he keeps silent, and lets only his clothing, species, and mannerisms speak for him.
don't speak don't speak cries suzy, compassionate. she knows that if he speaks at the wrong time, he will be slaughtered and seen around here no more. she wants to consider him, though. she whispers what he could be, echoing it to the others every time he comes around. horace blocks it out. so does rek. constance would, but she cannot keep a closed ear to anything.
[better off without you tearing my will down.]
places in der herz; or,
righteous objects of heirarchy.
rek. everything, it seems... would be anger, resenment, coldness, antisocial possibly. not truly definite, but the sense of self is prominent..
constance. conscience? more like a governing being; she always lives up to her name.
mantra. political awareness. though possibly also shame and social faux pas.
horace. religion, particularly heresy. killing without regret.
jaeger. cruelty, lack of compassion. spoiledness. possibly sometimes madness.
keesha. happiness. contentment. simplicity.
beatrice. stubbornness. ecological awareness. values of B.
suzy. old-perspective ecologics. peace. compassion. shyness. being nice, avoiding all conflicts.
kenni. control, spur-of-the-moment.
arron. running, avoiding. travel. leaving everything behind.
daishou. care of physical self. defense mechanism. desire to be something i'm not.
kip. currently unknown, but seems to lean toward immaturity.
subira. apathy. giving up. inactivity. watching and listening.
rosewen. love and sex. her abuse means the total destruction and avoidance thereof. her death can be viewed both as a negative and a positive...
zvekh. was killed before true symbolism could be revealed to public.
i want to add yahtzee in here, but she has not been let in the second gate; being a link, she is personalitiless so far, but this is acceptable, knowing her origins.
and in all actuality, rosewen's death does truly leave a vacancy. it seems to be we are waiting for a slot to be filled; and we wait patiently, because this is not an easy space to fill, and for the wrong person to be there could most certainly result in a death as tragic as rosewen's. and the stress of this, when it's put to the test, can be fatal as well.
it's strangely odd how well keesha's coping with this. ironic and funny how both were able to experience the death of the other [in one way or another]. unlike rosewen, though, keesha is aware that her friend, having once existed, will always exist in her slot in time. once created... they are always there. and will be there until the system itself collapses, as everything does.
i'm still not aware of what happened to zvekh. i know he's dead. i'm not sure whether rek killed him, or horace. [he came before jaeger, could not have been her.] i don't know where he's buried [or was burned... irony. if rek killed him, she might have done that.] or even when he died. it was a gradual thing, i could suppose. but he'd leave this for so long at a time that it wasn't missed when he never came back. there was nothing to signal his exact death, or the true end of what he ended up standing for. a symbol of something i could never talk about.
but rek [quoting insect] cries out -- his true return is unwanted and unmerited -- don't you ever come back.
and with rosewen gone... suzy is in danger. it's slight now, but. as there's no one to beat on, being nice might become a negative quality; and with that, she might truly become blind and mute. and even now, sometimes the personality aspects of beatrice and suzy clash, though their values are very similar.
there are clashings all over this. there was rek and rosewen, which led to the latter's death. surprisingly, keesha does not clash with anyone. mantra and beatrice may clash. subira and beatrice definitely clash, though, and possibly subira and suzy as well.
there are conflicts and contradictions all over the place; der herz is hardly peaceful.
-- |
::
2004 3 July :: 10.48 pm
older mantra.
difference in hair -- when younger, was more rough, not given a lot of thought because it was a source of shame. now she has overcome that, decided she's better than these definitions, and stands up straight, taking good care of her taboo hair. it's slicked back, often brushed, smooth. she has a regal beauty now, when before, her regality was hidden by her shame. her strength has surfaced. she still does not talk much, and in conversation her voice is soft; however, once she gets into 'speech mode', she speaks clearly and professionally and seriously, and especially, loudly.
of speeches. she writes them constantly, usually the first draft being just a rant of what she sees needs to be changed in devitt, usually of negative attributes. she often uses her lack of [real] wings and socially taboo hair as an example in most premature drafts, but usually cuts them out of the final. still, this is based on the idea that what happened to her was cruel [and the realization thereof]; and an example of what devitt life has been reduced to. she wishes for a soft revolution, of sorts -- one that occurs within the mind, rather than a complete political upheaval. she avoids using her status as a khlyppan, though. she was not raised as one within the family; it is just her body, to her. however, the blood of a politician runs through her veins, and it is this which compells her to make a new name for a corrupt family. [actually, in the future this results in a split between the clan, with both sides feuding with each other for several years of heavy death tolls until only those who have sided with mantra have survived. mantra herself does not get involved in the feud, since she was not a true member of the clan.]
of clothing. she wears upper-class clothes that resemble men's wear, including jackets with tails, ascots, cuffed shirts, etc etc. completely avoids dresses. also tends to like buttons....
of wings. until she was 17, her wingstubs remained relatively fine. however, at that age, an infection set in [due to some event involving major cuts on the wing] and the wings had to be removed at 18. for several years she lived without any wings at all; in this time, she was promoted to the first mate of kenni's vessel. through this experience, she began to like being in charge of things, to be a leader. she also managed to find out a lot about other governments of the world, including both noardol and tefedian ones. in noardol, she managed to befriend a few surgeons/scientists [through kenni], and at 24, a pair of mechanical wings were implanted into her back. during the course of healing, the pain grew great for periods at a time; in these instances, she would get a peircing in each ear to distract her from the usual dull pain in her back. by the time the wings healed, she ended up with two peircings in each ear. for the first time since she was a child, she was able to fly [though it took several months, of course, until she got the hang of it.]
3 nones |
-- |
|