::
2004 2 July :: 3.03 am
so i had been wondering
since it was unclear
who was at the bottom of the sea.
and it seems to me
the one is two
with rocks on their chests
subira and rek
giving glances as they feign drowning.
-- |
::
2004 1 July :: 1.32 am
:: Music: apoptygma berserk - unicorn
sometimes it's so hard to beleive these are part of me. i doubt it, because how is a creation you?
but then i just. feel it in me. they're embodiments.. no, they ARE the feelings i get. that.. sense of apathy. of maturity, accepance. of the uncontrolled.
constance. always. she is here, seeing through my eyes, and what she sees confuses her. suddenembarrasment and lack of understanding/ not constance but. looking back. isn't. good.
immervorwaerts schritt um schritt!
-- |
::
2004 30 June :: 5.06 pm
i don't know if i can beleive this, but rek's destroying frau. ..
not.. killing her. but
tthe things she's saying
the fukcing
i hate [/mitsene]
[rek]
GODDAMN IT. don't fucking... don't fucking even THINK about that! that is so incredibly.. i can't beleive you.. fucking... don't consider that.
don't even.
ever.
again.
injury sustained to the opposing party.[/rek]
... a small giggle. "but then you'd get what you wanted?"
at what fucking price, you bitch? it wouldn't even be close to ...........being worth it.
amnesia.
let's forget this.
-- |
::
2004 30 June :: 3.35 pm
:: Music: vnv nation - genesis
Breathing an air,
permeated, soaked in darkness,
emanating from within,
resonating like a scream no one can hear
I wear this chaos well.
Though none should save me,
desperation keeps me here,
my need for innocence,
the place where I began
The abyss becomes me,
I wear this chaos well.
Are these not words of heresy
a venom on my lips, a poison?
My spirit impurified
in everything I choose to say
With you I stand in hope that
god will save us from ourselves.
Every cry a wasted moment
until another day is lost.
Even lands we once called home
lie undiscovered and unknown.
Only heaven's silence for an answer.
And did our laughter, did our tears
have some purpose after all?
Did we toil in vain in hope
that wisdom came from what we'd done?
Even lands we once called home
lie undiscovered and unknown.
Only heaven's silence for an answer.
Are these not words of heresy
a venom on my lips, a poison?
My spirit impurified
in everything I choose to say
If I would shed my skin, the layers left,
but not the lessons learned
it would not undo what I have done
or grant forgiveness in some better days.
i. have never. i have never encountered such a perfect song. such perfect lyrics for this.
this nation
everything
everyone
is in this.
emotion lyrics sound.
even the lands. the we. [even the unsaid, for chrissakes...! i can't find something in here that isn't.. that isn't THIS.]
THIS SONG [through the nonexistence of linear time] IS THE ORIGIN AUF ALLT.
rightly named. gen[esis]erate.
a given. [to.me]
-- |
::
2004 30 June :: 3.03 pm
and this.... not close to becoming real.
subira... sweet water kill? oceansitting. . . and i envy. if only could have her life. if only.
only never happens.
sit back and don't take things so seriously. keesha's awake, again, maybe she has been. perhaps. still i feel like her.
even.... i don't know if i'm allowed to feel her/be her/consider her part of this, but i'd like to consider her my end of the question connection.
name? yahtzee.
-- |
::
2004 28 June :: 11.52 am
she's found a way through... into the uncontrolled. dreamscaper's opened a doorway for her to do what she likes to... be like she used to. see what she used to. make us see what we used to.
no one can reach her there; she's the only one so far who's managed to earn the dreamscaper's pity. that, or the everchanging goddess of dreams has let her in to spite me{&rek}, and possibly beatrice as well; because bea knows that this part of us can't be ignored like it's being.
the light of eternity; tell me, who would actually reach for it? if mädchen .e.k.a.t.e.r.i.n.a. had had a 'normal' life, unstruck, when she¿ was this age [as she¿ seems to be when you look at her] would she be reaching for it now anyways...? would she have thought, 'eternity affords loneliness; this is all i desire... therefore i will reach for it.'
still. 'light of eternity' or not, she's in darkness... that is all i see for her.
-- |
::
2004 28 June :: 12.26 am
i wouldn't say/think she's dead per say.... it's just that... whenever i get access to her, i always see her as.... well... discombobulated. actually dismembered. she can only find her way out in parts... usually a mere decapitated head.
seems like she's trapped in this one cycle of time. be torn apart, heal. be torn apart just to heal to be torn apart again to heal to be torn apart to heal and over and over until... well. this could last for a very long time, because time here doesn't seem to apply. like some kind of... rift vortex disturbance in the system. but for the real system it seems to work quite well; thus i don't think she'll be seen as whole for a longlengthoftime.
-- |
::
2004 27 June :: 4.06 pm
:: Music: hanabi II
and just with a simple sound, a few simple songs, something heard, she awakes.
from such a deathlike state.
keesha's back, if only for a few hours; i do think we'd like to make these hours last.
[i don't even know if/how she'll handle rosewen's death. i don't even know if she even died when keesha was aware of her.... ungh.]
i thank you.. pink+orange.
-- |
::
2004 26 June :: 11.53 pm
for the essai-ed[ifyouwill:]
right, like a slow evolution on one organism; mutation.
rek, it's more animal, beast-like. claws, long ones at that, i would say... fangs. harsher bouts of unrestrained. even the possible complete change into tierform.
jaeger would be slowly, very slowly, feeling less and less pain, and going mad at it. and slowly phasing out of disliking blood. [with that, a movement towards vampiric tendencies.]
horace would be the slow progression of forgetting why he is doing what he does; the reasons for it dissapear. the loss, from sanctified to total athiestic amnesia, also pulls along a brutal barbaric way.
subira.... goes from apathetic/amnesiac to slowly liking things; the only one [thus far] who seems to go from 'bad' to 'good' instead of 'bad' to 'worse'. [and her being newer, to view, the effects of 'time' on her {constance} haven't been seen much thus far. this is just how it seems to be going.]
aurora.
-- |
::
2004 26 June :: 6.32 pm
:: Music: wolfsheim - annie
beatrice has no nervous habits, she needs none. she has things to do.
some things i won't find out for a while... must do this again. beatrice searching. forest of the soul.
feel it coming over you ... indifference ... indifference.
you can't be near her, don't come hear her. don't come near what you see and don't understand. you'll never hear her speak, like i can. you'll never see her, like i can.
what annie says, you'll never hear.
es ist wundervoll...
-- |
::
2004 26 June :: 6.20 pm
there was something here about.... some being in stasis and some not. [in use, out of stasis. currently i would say rek - per usual - as well as subira, jaeger, beatrice, constance. everyone else is in der herz or in stasis in der herz.]
and there's the ‡ which is derived from : which is time. completely parallel, and yet at the same time completely unparallel. but then again on the third there's nothing to be parallel to. [unless you're talking about ‡ being parallel to : which makes sense in the first division of the word, but still, in : there's nothing saying which goes which ways. any point can connect to the other. no lines. freer that way. more.. constance.]
to be the mountain range, and/or to see the mountain range, and follow the mountain rainge, but still no matter what she does her one restraint is that she's NOT restrained. in vision, anyways.
so odd, because this makes so much sense. i come back and i'm not even lost again. perhpas beatrice holds memory. this would make sense.
with rosewen 'gone'; will that return?
is she really dead? [they said, i heard a voice say, that 'what she stood for is gone, and even if it returns, it will be in a different form']
beating a dead body over and over again. in that point of time, i forever maul your corpse, take it apart and it heals itself again only so i can destroy it again.
anarchy; mantra is beginning to frustrate, because of organization and the beleif in thereof.
and B is bea. +vice versa. that wasn't intended in the beginning.... or was it? [turn to constance. 'you knew. stop it with the coincidences. but, yeah, i know you'll never tell me in advance.']
what annie says.
+one name, annie.
-- |
::
2004 22 June :: 11.18 pm
:: Music: skinny puppy - too dark park
hate/disease..
subira [blanc, now, as well as blackfoot. her names keep going.] and fish... watching them. and she hears bird songs, listens. likes them.. maybe these are the only things she really likes. just sitting and hearing, sitting and watching. no smiles, because it doesn't matter if there's anyone around to see her happiness. nothing matters. not even that nothing matters.
i wonder why beatrice isn't excited about this. [maybe it's because it's like.. us going to the suburbs for vacation. nothing new.]
she looks at commerce, money. she watches as people trade.. peices of paper and small round metal peices for things like.. food wrapped in plastic.. everything they think they need. she thinks, this is so stupid. so incredibly stupid. why should you have people hold your food back, make you work, and then trade in your stupid representations of the work you did for what you need? it's not rationing, because they're already growing enough to feed everyone.... she doesn't understand. it's just so... so ridiculous.
-- |
::
2004 22 June :: 2.38 am
at the gates, she speaks.
doesn't know if she's being let in or out. what matters is getting through.
"she's another one from the experiment.. thing. she has extended life and um.. heals.. differently than the others.. they couldn't have peircings, but she can manage it. because of her species, methinks. can't feel much pain either. wasn't trained to kill [psychologically, anyway], so she doesn't really do that much... doesn't do much at all, really. she's lazy, unmotivated... well, no. she just doesn't care about anything. she loves nothing and hates nothing. she's completely apathetic. she has no motive in life, no revenge or anything... she just floats through. but if someone were to attack her, she'd be able to defend herself pretty well... actually in terms of lethality she's almost worse than jaeger or horace. good thing she hardly if ever uses it... she gets bored occasionally though, so whenever it's to the point where she can hardly stand it, she goes and gets a peircing or tattoo. her original markings were actually nonexistant; she's just a plain tan. she managed to get the devitt fur/skin tattooing on a lot of her body.. which includes the japanese character 'mu' - nothingness - on her back.
her bangs often change color.. usually something obnoxious... and she doesn't seem to have a static name. she's used subira [which she thinks is nicest so that's what she tells people it is], as well as been called khepri, cocheta, suleawa, blanc, etc etc. her real name is ==== which i won't tell you because you can't ever know.
[kind of like jaeger. who i will tease you with because i know her real name and even SHE doesn't. HA.]"
big fat farce.
not that the story's not real, but i hate how it's presented.
anyhow.
-- |
::
2004 21 June :: 2.09 am
subira
suleawa
cocheta
niut
mu
khepri.
really is. niut. but tells others subira.. or was told it was subira. uses subira, anyways.
was in le essai, but. wasn't able to be brainwashed; only got the healing/strength. strangely, heals differently than others. doesn't really go off and kill but can defend self... really, she just doesn't care enough to do that.
usually says, when asked why she doesn't do something, 'too much effort.' doesn't seem to feel pain, either. thus all.. body art.
just doesn't care.
smokes. peircings. tattoo markings [was a complete light color, but got devitt tattooing on markings.]. . . usually does that stuff because she's bored -- with self, with nothing to do. doesn't like to eat; is very thin, almost scrawney. doesn't sleep often, but when she does get into it, she lolls around for days on end. thus why she avoids it.... feels even more useless than usual.
more later; i am guessing.
-- |
::
2004 21 June :: 12.02 am
still feeling like a failure + i give up. want to give up. so bad.
come on, beatrice, let me go....
there's something[someone] else here i feel. i'm tired of being limited by horace and jaeger, i need to find someone stronger. i need confusion and apathy and letting go and being able to be a failure. being able to not feel not good enough [nevergoodenough] and just start to begin to feel content with what i'm doing. and not to be limited by what i am, but to be what i want to be. [and there should never ever ever be such a thing as 'too many', because there will always be the created and this goes too slow for any to be uncreated thus far.]
highway, subway, underground. the dirt, imagine being there what it'd be like. the worst cities of noardol.
this is where she'd be.
and a better name.
i'll introduce her tomorrow, perhaps.
-- |
::
2004 20 June :: 11.49 pm
time goes in fits and starts. time goes faster and slower. it goes in circles, cycles. time doesn't apply to some people here. but it seems time always follows me, anyhow.
A failure.
there's something still again about suzy i just can't place. but i think this goes with all of them.
i want to 'create;' or really, this place is full of them and i just can't keep up. horace, jaeger, even rek pull them down and slaughter before they reach climax.
they all have terrible names. i want to name one like it was my child, not what i see fit, not what i see in their eyes, what i think is pretty.
oh, yeah. i did that with constance.... pulled her entire being out with her name, i did.
it feels like a goddess to be like this.
it's so odd because i claim them to be mine, my muses my goddesses whom i worship, and yet, i really.... i'm the only goddess here.
-- |
::
2004 20 June :: 11.49 pm
rejection.
rejectionrejectionrejection.
[beatrice whimpers... 'i am on my own now.' suzy echoes, 'my own.... now.']
whispers. blank sounds of nothing; constance is at it again, playing der klavier.
and rosewen... has... a bit of.. something. fear and blame. [she hears the accusations, body tense with fear]
'i am .... the one to blame... i.. have... no shame.. this pain will always linger.. i will not shed a tear. i am..... the one.. to blame. i have.... no.... shame.... '
perhaps this is getting to her. all this torture. she doesn't care much more. she's still there, just stands though, just watches, because everyone watches her. her whispers... soft.. still can be heard.. .but soft.
every whisper
rek growls, grips.
'....when we are alone...'
jaeger feels less and less pain now. every time someone else dies by her hand, she feels less. sometimes scratches herself with pins to the point of bleeding. to feel nothing. she sees the blood. still nothing. she rips it from her. still nothing. she is. still nothing. the hunter, the hunted, alone and yet with company.
i think it's with out explanation that they found each other, for company. jaeger found a bit of solace in the information horace could tell her about le essai; horace found something to blame and place him in something other than drift. other than alone. though he still knew rek was out there....
two against one is.. not easy. just because she's higher hierarchy does not mean she can get them both.. especially jaeger. lack of pity. lack of holding back. but that doesn't mean she doesn't cry, kill me now. kill me now. kill me now. laughing when they try. out of hate, for never being out of that coil..
-- |
::
2004 16 June :: 11.52 pm
rosewen's belligerence has earned her a different embodiment.
her hands, scarred and palmed with dark red, you know, the liquid that makes that color.
her neck, severed reattatched and.. whatelsehaveyou. scars. stitches. encircling.
right eye [derecha] blind, chuza eye that can't prophesize -- how unfortunate -- but still. leaks light at all times. no pupil, so black, veins around darken, puffy, etcttd.fffdsfs.da.fds.
staples in ears, stitching in ears.
navel to XXXXXX sewn up. to say no. never. not in this life.
black spot over heart, veins leaks out. around shoulder, chest.
faded colors.
except for one bright saturated streak, for that everbeing possibility that we don't even want to reckon with the existance of.
[rek.glare. her changing won't change anything. everything's still the same. and constance's hand goes on both their shoulders. offers protection. from nothing.]
so unfortunate.
so... just... so unfortunate.
i almost feel pity. when she breaks. i almost. want to stop. because. she returns this. fivefold. with the ignored factor, loneliness.
what an ugly word.
loneliness.
i wish she'd die.
then i could die too.
-- |
::
2004 15 June :: 11.58 pm
:: Music: gutterglitter.sbs/crosswalk.rasputina
why oh why oh why is my bleeding heart beating?
gut:ter: Glit:ter:
i'd like you to tell me
cough
sounds
if what you're trying to do
cough
sounds
will ever actually succeed.
[the hunt. not why. just that it's happening.]
-- |
::
2004 15 June :: 11.48 pm
it's harder than it looks like.
busy,taking,greed,is it just a word?
keesha's starting to wake up again, she's been asleep for a while. long time, i think. seems like ever since jaeger made herself known [again] she'd been catatonic... and, now, there's just this.
constance... die sonne. bursting into flame. fire, her Immer/selbst. she's not afraid of it, flowing into her, making her black from white, body from ashes to ashes to ashes again.
she can die so many times.
she can die so many ways.
wolfoenix, if you'd give her a species, a name, a genre, a label; but she's really nothing, there's no word for her.
she just is
and is
and is.
-- |
|