--

:: 2004 23 May :: 7.32 pm

and it's not that the words in this song hit so close to home [though they do incite the passion for compassion; something that's being pushed aside by jaeger/beatrice] it's the sickness inside it's the feeling. and the words, the only words that fit [us] -- 'in your head.' because that is this, that is everything here, every meaning behind these worthless words, fit lines pixels on a screen, it's all all alll all interpretation. without [in your head] it is just... nothing. it is just what it is. this world is only rich because i think it so.

:: 1916 0 May :: 7.00 pm

NAMES
ALL I SEE ARE NAMES.

:: 2004 23 May :: 1.41 am
:: Music: cranberries/.zombie

in your head, they are fighting.

[nanzieger clash, krovlandia clash, in myself clash, between them all.] every struggle... everything i never had to face. youeverything and menothing.
you must be mistaken. back and forth back and forth and back and forth and in and out. in your head.
oh.... but it's real, here. mothers turn to hatred at this one admittance. if i can make this parralell... keep this even... i can turn this into something [reality] they'll never know.
no, but still, it's obvious.

the claws. despair, anger, out of control -- not in control. death. things without meaning.
and the violence
cause such silence....
result of... res..result.... experiments... theyjust... you know. life and life and life.

:: 2004 22 May :: 11.28 pm

so selfisolation and thoughts, political ideals, sitting alone being everything when i'm really nothing. it's strange.
[she is this, he is that, i am him or her, this that this that.] somehow, i am trying to 'find myself', by being original. funny, because that idea itself was external in origin.

can we start again? no.

there is no restart button. [so your origins, so please? oh, come on....]

rekrekrekrejkrekrekrjelrkjaekfjkjekrjldsjf;salj;lajdsf

everything
will
come apart

:: 2004 21 May :: 11.06 pm

'let's do this together'

i'd run too, if i was him. no... he's freer. he's been out and without. right now i'm stranded in greedy noardish nothings. actually, if he wasn't so modern, him and beatrice might get along well.
and i have got the feeling that i have really had enough.
sh'es pulling more. i don't beleive this.. i mean, come on. you make me sick sick sick krank krank krank. you're the disgusting pit of stomach. that twisting. you make it so. damn parasite, can you not leave me? inherited, are you?
but oh well, that fear inside.... the war. not this... a ... no, a forced, external of external, barely affects us, but now suzy's getting far more concerned than she should, and now... now... [all that you know will be gone, all who you love will be dead] things will change, but not for the better/ ]everyghingsforthebetter?]
no, not this... deathdenial. aberkennung.
sleep sleep sleep. scars lifting, dreamscaper took the shape of human, girl, she is good, she is fine, she faces her wrist to me and i see the brightred los equis X X X one is being carved into as we speak and horace. horace has his back to her.. no, they are sitting side by side, pressing bodies, ribs, she is facing opposite him slightly. perhaps her self destruction is under his influence. i wouldn't deny it. less dreams i can remember, horace is destruction infinite apathetic, his harnessing the dreamscaper is a bad omen.
we watch the sunrise from the [herz].

:: 2004 20 May :: 8.12 pm

what? i never asked you.

this aught to help with nanzeigen. or... yes. origin of hronic language. somethingsomething. germanic, so learning german helps.
[rosewen becoming more stealthy, but i point her out, burn her hands, make her cry, and she forgets it. only to do the same thing the next day, or week or so. just stop.]

beatrice and suzy would be happi with me, getting back to roots and such. feathers may adorn. bea's showing through easily, her anger at what happened here subsiding as suzy accepts it.
i.. have to go.

:: 2004 18 May :: 11.50 pm

reasons, reasons, reasons.
questions, answers. though right now, there's only one i can think of -- why don't rek, horace and/or frau have any peircings of any sort? well, rek doesn't because i don't, primarily for her. but mostly because peircings would have a weird effect on them with the healing mechanism. wouldn't it just keep healing over.. and over.. and every time they'd take it out they'd have to peirce it all over again. pointless, really.
[almost feeling sick, here.]

beatrice watched rek with a resentment reserved for those who discriminate. after all, she was noardish. but suzy's affection to rek, and her seemingly openness, suggests to bea that perhaps such things should be left behind. at least, for now.
they were speaking of suzy's past now, her heritage, and the tribe she'd had to leave. beatrice could see the subtle pain of this conversation in suzy's eyes. she'd never wanted to go, but she had been such trouble. it was unfortunate.
'so rek, then... what's yours..?' beatrice said, changing the topic.
rek blinked. 'my what?'
'your heritage, your descendants, your lineage. where do you come from?'
rek stared at the cup of tea in front of her. 'i don't really know. i mean, i have an idea... i know i'm heittjardian in some aspect or another. but other than that...' she shook her head. 'i wish i knew. i wish i had some relatives to ask.'
'oh, that's so unfortunate...' suzy sympathized, her voice almost overly empathetic. 'the elders in our tribe are so respected for teaching the children about their past and heritage... i can't imagine growing up without knowing where our people came from...'
rek shrugged. 'yeah, i guess... but, you know. it's not like i can even remember my childhood anyway. there could be some stuff buried in there that tells me of it.' she took a sip of her tea. 'who knows if i'll ever remember.'

:: 2004 17 May :: 11.20 am
:: Music: smashing/pumkins/ava/adore

Lovely girl you�re the murder in my world
Dressing coffins for the souls I�ve left behind
In time
We must never be apart
You�ll be the mother to my child
And a child to my heart
We must never be apart
Lovely girl you�re the beauty in my world
Without you there aren�t reasons left to find
You'll be... a gun to my head

In you I see dirty
In you I count stars
In you I feel so pretty
In you I taste god
In you I feel so hungry
In you I crash cars
We must never be apart...

to me, rek. the one that i adore. no matter her being what she is. [the murder in my world.] this song... our relationship... perfectly. her and constance, my constant, what i keep coming back to. i'll drift off into storyland, the tales of woe, of life, of my beings. but them? these two? they're second level for a reason. constance is the closest to god i can beleive in. rek is the closest to me i can beleive in. [what i wish i was, what i cannot be, what i do not do and what i regret doing.] alas, someday, if i could toss out all the others to have these few, these two, completely navigating the waters themselves. then, of course, my sanity would have been lost. it's overrated anyways. [that, or just an overabundance of creativity, which i doubt will happen to me.]

:: 2004 16 May :: 11.22 pm

captain: kenniaul arang

cabin boy: mantra khlyppan

master of the watch: kip miirmowe

navigator/sailing master: enck

midshipman: sehale marihanalekhe'te

other crewmembers?

species list- of 112 crewmembers incl. captain etc.
noardish: 22
heittjardian: 3
zamertnyjian: 1
krovlandian: 0
nanzeigan: 16
meiarang: 37
gryffin: 5
hroniem nomad: 2
[sehalespec]: 3
[enckspecie]: 14
tefedian: 7
kyuurikese: 3
bedaitian: 2
dung hoi: 0

able seamen: usually meiarang, sehalespec, gryffin
noardish not really pertaining to many a class...
on most shiffe master of watches are gryffin. considered good luck [and for good reason; they have extremely good eyesight and the ability to fly allows for a greater range of scouting] by meiarang
most captains are meiarang, nanzeigan, enckspecie, or noardish. [enniana, nanzeiger and noardol being probably most shiffish of countries]
zamertnyj and krovlandia are unlikely to have inhabitants become sailors, though zamertnyj a bit more than krovlandia because it spans across the continent and has ports on the eastern shore.
most trade occurs between the eastern continent's eastern coast and the islands and peninsulas nearby. also between tefedians on the western continent's western shore. kyuuriku and dung hoi tend to avoid trade with most other countries.
there are also trade routes in the 'inner ocean' between hroneim, enniana, noardol, and krovlandia's [latter to lesser degree] western coast, and bedait, yasait, heittjard, and tefed's eastern shore. kondensal usually is avoided due to the extremely violent and hostile reactions of the inhabitants of the islands. kyuuriku has little trade on its eastern coast due to the mountains that nearly reach the sea.
ships going from inner to outer ocean and vice versa have only one available route, to go through a strait between kyuuriku and the southwestern land/coast near hroneim [yet unnamed; most likely enck's species' origin]. northern routes are blocked by ice and frozen tundra penninsulas on the north of zamertnyj and tefed. for a ship to get from one side of enniana to the other entails going south around hroneim, or to go east around dung hoi [usually avoided because of the icebergs that surround the south of dung hoi's main island]; therefore rarely taken. items that come from eastern ennianan coast and/or devitt usually go through the center of enniana through a main trade route; the road tends to avoid the jungle that takes up most of enniana.

and.. that's a wrap. mostly just rambling on through trade routes now. should get a map up here sometime. soon. really.

:: 2004 15 May :: 11.16 pm
:: Music: enya.eveningfalls

gryffin society is... specific. acceptable of outsiders, because most gryffins understand that those not of their species don't necessarily have the same societal bindings and specifics. certain islands are more strict than others, usually being the outskirts and smaller islands which aren't near trade routes.
physical specifics - hair: must have three locks; two on side of face, one in back. can be braids or beaded, as long as it's any length of hair around 1 to 1/2 in. thick; must rarely be cut, or if so, not more than an inch at a time. gryffin hair stops growing when it reaches around waist length. [can vary from individual to individual]. back lock can never be cut, no exceptions. must be visible in some form; most gryffins like showing it off [with ribbon, fancy beads, tying all hair back, etc.]. rest of the hair can be cut short, tied back, loose, bangs or not, what have you. color doesn't matter either but altering original color is slightly looked down upon. to not have a back lock is the mark of a degenerate; usually criminals, alcoholics, theives, political outcasts, or anyone that who would not be accepted by general population due to justice systems or independent radical groups. a backlock-less gryffin has a hard time finding work, and if they do, it is rarely profitable or tolerable [usually janitorial, gravediggers, miners, etc.]
tattooing - every gryffin has a tattoo of some sort. social stigma completely outcasts anyone without a tattoo to the point of exile or even death [though the latter is extremely, extremely rare]. the tattooing, which is a form developed by gryffins to allow the fur on the skin area tattooed upon to grow back that color, is done within a week after birth. is usually black, though other colors are out there. areas of the body that are tattooed are specific to the island [or area of island, on the larger ones] and to social/political rank. low/middle class gryffins have bands around theirs, and are on the limbs and tail. [bands came about by an ancient symbol of being bound to one area and way of life, similar to slavery or peons/serfs/etc.] upper class tattooing does not have bands [symbolic of upperclass being 'free'] and pertain to the torso, shoulders, main body. [seperate areas include chest, stomach, shoulders, upper back, lower back/rump, and right and left sides.] also are symmetrical. tattooing designs are specific to clans and families; there is a set pattern for each clan, and each individual is tattooed with smaller details of the design, drawing aspects from both parents. using this, if a gryffin has lost memory and familial relations, they can use their tattoo to help find who they are.
this is also what gave mantra away in the orphanage; first, there was the aspect of the torso tattoo without bands. then there was the specific location of the tattoo on her body, which was unique to the khlyppans. although the orphanage head himself did not know the details of the designs for the branch of the khlyppan family, it would still have been possible for a person who knew such details or who knew mantra's parents well [and had seen their tattoos] to realize who mantra really was. luckily for mantra, hers was on an area that she often covered due to the disfigurement of her wings; and she was also put in an area [which may have been purposely thought out by her mother] who had their tattoos on their upper thighs and thus were not seen easily because most gryffins' were hidden by pants.
almostlucky girl. her mother should have rescued her from the tattooing; but what was worse, being found a khlyppan, or being found out she was tattooless?

:: 2004 13 May :: 10.49 pm

umm umm?

feelsick. notreally. ew....

still, hronic script now. the original used by the dragons still being used by hroneim nomads, with slight changes; noardish and most other languages use an influenced version of it. noardol uses letters [ours] that have separate letters for each sound [as opposed to syllables].
even more in here now, allein, i guess. rum. rummm. alcohol's a depressant... kenni kenni. rolling around in cabin rum in hand groaning moaning 'ohh so alone!' but, you come in, you mention it if you see it, and you get a scimitar in your throat.

so manythings are meaningless [selfmedicating] no more anymore.

[and you wonder why i turned away. this is what it does. it's... it's scary to think that as fiction as horace is, as much as he is to you, there's something out there, some people out there, who actually act as he did. name of god is violence.]

:: 2004 12 May :: 11.15 pm

i believe in god.
no, i believe in constance. setting out songs for me to discover. giving me a path to follow and a purpose � or at least, the pretense of it. oh, like christianity. there's the feigning of helping others and being wunderbar. and then hidden, the death and murder and killing for a cause, [reasons don't matter, it's still fucking death] and the selfishness, the idea that i am better than you because i am who i am. and the selfishness. but that could just be jaeger. deserving a fucking slap in the face. beatrice vs. jaeger � i'd hope the former wins. i'd hope ANYONE wins over her. whining spoiled brat. nagging. out of my head, please, i don't like you. [rek has found another she detests]. even horace, because he at least had faith at one point [skewed faith, but it was still something. something i could never have...] but still, the death like breathing could almost be hard to take, as long as suzy still had a breath in her. [though she does not talk much anyway... more like pleads. all the time. please don't do that. that's not nice. that's not kind. that's immoral. conscience. be nice. please be nice. don't kill anyone anymore. i don't like this war. please stop yelling, i might start crying soon. please stop.] imagine listening to that. those are just thoughts of hers, though. and yes. she has become a bit more outspoken in the last few months, opinions expelled, but it hasn't gotten her anywhere. is she weak? dependent? no, it just hurts to know you can't speak as well as everyone else, to know that even if you could, your opinion matters the most to you and no one else. if no one cares, why give the effort? a little sigh, i don't like talking about it, quivering brow. beatrice is almost angry now; suzy can look so weak sometimes. why can't she be strong? people will listen if you make them. prop them up on sticks. come ON. dammit.

dialogue of . of? no dialogue�this is not opinion free, this is opinion incarnate [kennisarcasm -- everything is somethin' incarnate. get another friggin word.]

i forgot about the facets, faces on facets, diamondface, he got axed soon as creation, death at birth and no childhood. who needs a fucking anthro semiprecious [not precious at all, ya fuck] stone [face]. growl. haha, horace is useful. cutting down. lumberjack priest, oh he can be anything [he lives forever, doesn't he?] but come on, he's really nothing. he's... really... nothing.
......
no, i don't want to be without a good opposite. [can't die anyway. laughter]

:: 2004 12 May :: 11.41 am

the silence...
a mirror....
that breaks the light in two

come to me... and with violence
we'll discover what will make us free

we're here to move... we move to stay...when time stands still... a moment lasts...
we're moving on... we're flying fast...
approaching lightspeed.

one of these days....

broken/flash/light/dark. can i ever be rid of you? merely mortal, i see. getout. mountainside home, das Herz, vom Berg, let's get out. no, let's stay. no, let's leave. obvious, this is indecision.
as long as we're here, though, we might as well.

:: 2004 10 May :: 11.51 pm

it looks like.
well.

[i don't think animal tendencies deserve to be flushed from our system.] so herein, so high up, so conceited, sentient, wunderbar und sehr gut. who said it? deserve to be pushed back.

rek kills out of spite, jaeger of annoyance, arron because it is his occupation. horace just kills; it is like scratching an itch to him. being the cause of death is his reason for life. [not like we could be rid of him even if we tried. he'll be here forever, like the other two. it's only the reasons that will change.]
i don't like this war i don't like it at all no i don't i don't i don't not at all

fucking... abducting my time like that. not so long. i need less but more. beatrice, come, let us clear this humanity like they clear brush from civilization. the signs, claimed by vines. there's still hope, says suzy, pleads suzy, don't you see? it's not so bad. there's still hope for them. keep your hackles down. knives sheathed. swords away. it's only when hope is lost that we can let reign full. [this is when bea takes charge...]

:: 2004 9 May :: 10.50 pm

and that, no one said you had to like war. no one said you had to like it. you're in it. not your choice. but you're here. you're squatting, on edge, tipping. enemies on the borderline. in time you can abandon your allies, strap up your meaningless life and go, go, go, OUT. but for now? take up your katana and let rek take the reins on the battlefield.
in time, arron will lead us out, without regret. oh, but this is giving me a headache.....

:: 2004 9 May :: 1.32 am
:: Music: kein zur�ck.durch Wolfsheim

so arron has a place, now.
i say away with the heirarchy, but we might now have a choice here.

he looks over, castoff. in time he will meet someone that he will not leave like he has left everyone else. he keeps moving. he needs change. he can't stay still. these people... he can't take too much of anyone for too long. and that subtle dislike, the not being able to stand them, it lets him assassinate all that much easier.

his family, across hroneim. sometimes he wonders if he will see them again. it is hard to sever ties. it is hard. but not impossible; and he's done it numerous times before. [a childhood without sedentary life trained him well in that.] sometimes life just calls for things like that. you just... have to leave. this is goodbye. i most likely will not see you again. please do not try to keep in contact.

i wonder why people don't like to give up as much as i do. stop trying. stop. you're pointless.

:: 2004 8 May :: 12.17 am

and what does THAT mean?

we're just waiting for a war to be over. we don't need to make it last any longer. [and maybe in the far distance, changeneed will be fulfilled entirely; someday, undreams as well. i doubt it. comfort is so easily fulfilled and there's so much uncertainty.] but she lives up to her name; change must be constant, constant change, always always.. things have been static in an unfavorable direction for a long period of time and the war is reaching a climax.
we're abandoning our allies, because it was the allies that got us into this mess in the first place.

:: 2004 7 May :: 12.31 am
:: Music: heartplace

he grabs the flag, raises the colors. 'let us go to war.'
but no one follows. he is the only one, kills in the heartplace, the herzeleid, takes the regret from rek and just goes at it. come on. this is war. fatalities happen.

but no one's following.

:: 2004 5 May :: 10.49 pm
:: Music: vnv.nation

in every one of these songs, planted, grows meaning.
forget your fears, and want no more. arclight, suzy. carbon, beatrice.
anyone, if you look the right way. or hear.
[shoving it back down and ignoring it is becoming harder.] rek is easily heard. she shouts at the enemy, yells logic, calls them fools, threatens. reason, constance's sentinel, always aware and pushing it back when need be. [we just want out.]
can this war be over yet?
new world order?
revolution?
[ever onward.] battletactics. ondefense. daishou is ever ready. prepared. her defense rivals that of rek's. [i'm sorry we can't take this any further, but the ties that bind, the mask keeps us. pale. strings. pull. us. back.]
it seems i've waited years for this day to end. [but it's tearing me apart.]

we're waiting, on standby, for the invasion. [and single person, goddess, inhabits all; we all clutch the same knife.] hoping it won't happen, hoping things won't fall apart while we are here and ready, but still aware, yet aware. [pleading.] choke back the fucking tears, shreds, potential deaths [isn't that what we are? deadonthesideoftheroad]
won't fall apart as long as i can keep figuring this out.

:: 2004 5 May :: 12.05 am

and you can't speak to the guide, either, fucking stay away from those thoughts. put here for a reason
doubt; shove those reasons back whence they came.

i. oh, beauty and calmness. how i'm beginning to understand and yet i am so lost so confused so disheartened; where is constance? where is my constance? how could i ever be anything without her? potential situations, rek reacting in violence violents. bind it up. back to the heart. scrolls memories burned parasitic memoriloss infection i am this is depreciated set back gone forever stupid unintelligent rosewen oh goddssss she's....... .{?} please just fucking BREAK HER ALREADY! screams let's hear screams! WHERE'S YOUR GODDAMN FAITH NOW?! take her away! leave her out! throw her downriver fear of drowing, allconnected chain her abuse her kill her kill her kill her burn the heart and yes. constance knows.
constance.
stops the anarchy. you can't... do that. there's no pressing the reset button, ever. there is no reset button.

la vida del miedo me envolve. pero, tambien es una vida de... tranquilo de la mente.

chingar, se vuelve. FCUK.