::
2004 25 March :: 12.19 pm
just these inactive beatrice wishes.
suzy, i beleive [or would like to beleive], is not in exile of her tribe... though what it is exactly i can't say either. departure through something that was not her fault... and conflicts? could that really happen? [is this tribe my perfection? eden? utopia?] would it be exile, after all?
no.
not both.
would give common ground.
not. both.
-- |
::
2004 23 March :: 11.36 am
a realization before sleep overcame-- constance is not intelligence in the judged, measured sense [ie: IQ, etc.]; she is intelligence in setiency, consciousness, being aware;
existentialist.
-- |
::
2004 22 March :: 4.23 pm
insides spilling out; i know that someday i'll start crying at the sight of a potato. i'll loathe them. [still eat 'em, though, as long as i can't see them.]
i toy with the idea of reincarnation so easily... solves all problems. 'why's she like this? OH PAST LIFe *squish*'
like, daishou. she's been silent about her past, but gives me intuitions or somesuch; why is she loyal to rek? something in her past life. oi. well, it kind of works in the constance vein... anyway. been seeing. that. beatrice and suzy are not in the same time era as keesha, rosewen, and a couple other people. there's one static person - that's rek - and 'counting' starts when she was released from the experiment. there's some gaps here and there.. then suzy and bea... then daishou.. then kee+rose. and then arron comes along and she finally gets horace. with, of course, the occasional interlude of constance; always appearing in some form or another wherever in life rek may be.
questioning loyalty? possibly a version of constance that had... well.. a strong originalbeing [the body constance was born into].. was aquainted to rek through constance... came to respect and be loyal to her... and then when she died, was reincarnated as daishou, and came across rek at the age of twenty. she's the leader in her clan [house? uchi?] and bows only to the empress, daimyo, and rek.
in personality. >: what? these answers are not answered, these possibilities not possible. . . questions, questions. let it go for now.
-- |
::
2004 21 March :: 8.19 pm
i think i'm getting ridiculous.
actually, i don't think i'm ever not ridiculous.
maybe i should just... not.... go.
-- |
::
2004 21 March :: 12.59 am
new would be nice.
this burns; i need a limiting reality. or more likely an unlimited reality.
didn't i create a world that i wanted to be? something i wish would happen to this one? something that's not really... real?
if i judge myself on my creations, judge what i have, say, present as myself, etc.; am i judging myself or someone else? if i am someone else while making these judgements.... how am i judging myself?
and this... is so lower level.
judgement.
judgement.
high and mighty.
my highest level is one of her lowest... i don't think 'different but the same' applies here; she is obviously superior. and younger.
it's apalling, that i am this. she would not dare to make.. oh, ha... an incarnation for intelligence? that's complete nonsense, a cry to be smarter; it's insolence, and yet i can't bring to destroy her.
well, of course. she's not just intelligence, is she? no. i need... well. the illusions of progress pull us back. we change, but never change; i will always be cursed to this inferiority, unchanging mind.
rek is useless, but can't live without her.
subtle realizations brought to consciousness do nothing in the end; i mean, really. if you already knew it, what's the point in saying it? especially when you're the only one listening? [because you know these imaginary friends are not real.]
not real.
not real like imagined pain, or not real like potentiality?
curses.
-- |
::
2004 19 March :: 10.46 pm
ugh shit.
blocksucksssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
broken hand. swears, insd.
mmh.
mgggm.
someon'es on' vacation fuckers....
-- |
::
2004 18 March :: 11.54 pm
:: Music: little fury bugs
sutziy.. last name means starskin [keltefen]; technically it's her clan's name..
clan/tribal system of [quollish] tefeds: several clans make up a tribe; clans are basically families, related in one way or another. marriage rarely happens within clans but usually within tribes. clans can leave or join other tribes; there are also nomad clans, some of which never join tribes, being accustomed to being nomads; and also usually become nomads after being exiled [for doing something icky] so this reputation lessens the likelihood of a clan being accepted into another tribe.
this system of clans/tribes negates the need for a noardish-type government in tefed.
[effects in eastern cities? cheifs=lawpeople.. or what..?]
bla bla.
three words to describe beatrice? cynical, pessimistic, and crabby.
-- |
::
2004 17 March :: 3.59 pm
:: Music: moloko:indigo
oh whats a girl to do when aesthetics seems all to be pleasing.
....been wondering if rek deserves to be promoted to level 1, which, in turn, would pretty much destroy mitsene and that fursona, unless they basically switched places. which i don't think will happen... i can't deal with having rek as level one. god, what a bitch i would be. bitchincarnate. that would be lovely to everyone.
seems bea's bad mood permeates;
constance superiority complex? i am not my brother but is she his...?
ugh.
ugh.
-- |
::
2004 16 March :: 3.04 pm
ho ho
heee hee
ha ha
hu.
death?
or constance's revenge?
she revels in it.
[morelater]
-- |
::
2004 15 March :: 11.42 am
:: Music: mew/156
oh what a struggle.
i should just ignore all existances... just let them be as they are.
[not a good idea, more common than thought]
but i can't let them be free.
does freedom entail death? or is that what binds us to this life, the fear that anything other than this means a terrible world?
doesn't beatrice prove that wrong...?
so ignorant.
-- |
::
2004 14 March :: 4.12 am
but i
and
we
l
..this is..
she's.
no. she has to be.
not
without her i am.. just.. a fool.
really
but it makes sense.. since her existence
part of me.
negates her own definition.
i don't want her to be gone...
-- |
::
2004 13 March :: 3.19 am
rosewen in stasis, or attempting to put her in there [i wonder if this is healthy]. too many infections, parasitic afflictions, selfcontemplations, false niceities, and just the plain fact that she embodies the lie that is 'love' and i sincerely hate that thing right now. i'd scrape it off if i could.
with her trapped there is more freedom. and rek could do it; i mean, that's what the heirarchy's for, i guess. unless somehow she got promoted. infatuation used to be a large chunk of my existence. [key words 'used to'.]
i do so wonder what's the point in having these entities [lowerlevel] if i barely acknowledge them. nevermind illustrate them... except for the occasional guilt trip 'oh man i need to go draw arron again cause i haven't done that in a billion years...' bla bla bla they should just die, useless. i'd keep daishou though. she's important... perhaps should promote? no, she's not a goddess. doesn't preside over emotion or consciousness. she's just an embodiment of a desire to be [involved in] a certain way, a certain thing. similar to beatrice, though the latter girl is more based on ideals. [and wtf is suzy btw? i can't even tell.]
i mutter 'stasis' when temptation turns the corner. stasisstasisstasis. it's rek's excuse to be a bitch.
-- |
::
2004 12 March :: 11.22 am
:: Music: whrs - allay pain
HA
HA HA HA.
you can do nothing my will is everything! as it should be. a higher-level one always reigns, always presides over the lower ones. you were doomed from the start.
but are we all not doomed? for we are the fey. and there is no avoiding our fate, bound here, in here, until death does us part.
you shall cease to be
a chant a chant a chant a chant you shall cease to be
but as long as she existed once, does she always exist? if ones live on in the mind, do they live on forever here...?
eien ni.
eien ni.
a thousand years. thousand eyes thousand lives. and we forget everything.
-- |
::
2004 10 March :: 11.35 am
:: Music: fakefrowns
jury and judge
screaming to hang.
but she brings with her [with him?] things haunting, things remembered far too late, things minds should avoid [my mind avoids]... harbinger of the things we cry and shreik and wail 'no..!' things we don't want to beleive are part of us but are.....
she is a gateway to forgetting
she is a gateway to things we wish to forget
terrible/wonderful/awasteroftime
ineluctable approach.
[is this through the eyes of beatrice?
{when things are too much like my own, i can't stand it. can't stand it. can't stand it.}]
-- |
::
2004 9 March :: 11.39 am
the dreamscaper is harder to seek. she pulls me from my dreams. from vivid to silence. harder to fall, now. harder to fall in sleep; is it also harder to fall in love? i do so hope. then the dreamscaper can counter rosewen and her desires.
if will manifests itself in dreams, then she is strongest; if strength manifests its true self as notbeing, then she is transcendent.
translucent.
appears as... violet, lilac. what are these colors? the dreamscaper.. every day comes more into existence. if the loss of strength is what she seeks, then perhaps the goddess of dreams aspires to be in a 'mortal' form.
oh
to be the sincerest simplicity and the highest degree of detail
in one.
nameless, because names weaken.
dreamscaper.dreamscaper.dreamscapercalls
-- |
::
2004 9 March :: 11.27 am
:: Music: vnvn./\.arclight
oh, come now. frustration is frustration.
so many physical flaws, imperfection, but i always seem to make her...
so....
untainted.
when i do beleive she's [physically] rotting inside. oh poetry. oh poetry. oh, oh poetry.
rek..?=? archetype?
we lift our heads high. constance knows what dignity is, what it's like to have poise. and she knows how to forgive. i do wish you'd grow up. [soeasytosay]
a few words from her on the subject:
dignity is not what you make it to be. it's not something you actually recieve when you strive for it. you're undignified. clamoring for these conflicts, these beatings of flesh like the primal creature you thought you could avoid being. your poise, your beloved poise, is sullied, dirtied, disgusting; who are you to judge, i ask? what makes you so perfect that you can play judge, jury and executioner, if only for yourself?
you are nothing, your emotions are nothing, you are a product of that which many have sought to avoid.
/done.
beatrice.. i do beleive.. was always secretly disgusted by him. no, openly. only i wasn't aware of her [as she is] at the peak of friendship.
keesha's 'sleeping' now, dormant moreso than usual. and you know what that means, you discontent fucks. that i am too much like you.
[clamoring for blood clamoring clamoring
well if it's our blood you want
you can
have
mine.]
-- |
::
2004 8 March :: 11.41 am
:: Music: dcfc - photobooth
give in say you win just say it give up.
if we. give in.
will you. let it go? with this, will it be proven that it's nothing? worthless? waste of thought? we have better things to do.
the snow falls, this coat is hers [is constance, in style] it seems as if the falling white stars were meant for today so that i could be her in so many aspects.
sodisrespect.
the palms are healing over, with insidious symmetric designs. killkill. rek will get you, my pretty [whore].
-- |
::
2004 7 March :: 3.05 am
:: Music: hung over as the queen in maida vale
she's been taking the reins all night, godhating.
KILLLHER. put us out of our misery. take the knife to her throat and bullet to head and make her bleed [and even'
and even afterwords, she'd still have influence on us all. just killherget. her .out. of .here. .
my heart is not something she can have on a WHIMofaboy. you can't...
and.. but...
it seems as if the more we fight it, the stronger it becomes. so.. what do we do? ignore it?
but you're drowning in it, aren't you? both of you...?
drowning in this loneliness. [the word, it kills it rings with truth and defiance.] we cant let it get the best of us.
everything she's shown as strength... the aversion of love and attatchment... in the end, has it made her truly weak? pushing obligations of love away and destroying, forcing out, killing off all possibilities for new reasons for her heart to open...
she lives in fear,
what is she so afraid of?
why is love so frightening? terrible?
does she even want to know? does she suspect? in the end, in the now, it's fucking everything up. one is off kilter so they all are.
rek's knife is to rosewen's throat not out of hate... but of fear. if rose incites love, will obsession ensue? will things change too much? will we fall backwards in evolution? from experience... there was far more pain as a result than anything else.
we would slice open palms to think of something else, get minds off it
and in the end
the scars would remind us of what we tried to forget.
-- |
::
2004 6 March :: 5.47 pm
:: Music: gatheringstorm
rek crouched in the center of the circle, the others approaching yet standing still, their legs the only thing seen; faces in fog, a terrible black shroud. and she held them all in contempt, all their idiocies and atrocities, so she spun, knife in hand, around them slashing them victory victory victory against social happenings
oh, to be free of them
to be free of them for always
and for ever
and for always ever
instead being embraced by the mother of vibration
she who speaks in music and notes continuing long noises of emotion only in emotion... she who never breaks and never dies and never cries herself. because dreams are dreams and she is dreams and no one knows her name.
yume they cry. daishou knows the goddess.
hold the pain to your heart, girl, let it callous it whole, harden and shrivel, quietly die itself silently alone.
and then you'll be happy.
-- |
::
2004 4 March :: 11.25 pm
falling out of darkness in time only to fall in again. but the world goes round.
[and the world... it is forgotten.]
she's out of personality, out of shape, out of her time and out of time. she's only lines and imagination. but she's heart and soul incarnate they're excuses and apparitions and dreamscapes of reality molded and fitted and bringing you down when they fall.
-- |
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