::
2004 3 March :: 12.28 pm
she rose in sleep, when conscious and subconscious battle for sovereighty. i see her, him, it, on my eyelids; i fear for trying to make her real.
she is there... but stays in her realm. the subconscious of the subconscious. nothing pertains to her.
she wins all and loses all
floating in darkness
a simple excuse.
-- |
::
2004 2 March :: 9.51 pm
goddess of sleep nothesist.
sleep during day and rise when night falls... i fear a bloodrinker shall make themselves known soon.
it's Her.
reason for. . hm. oh, but she's normal during the day.. i guess? or no day. makes sense, though. raves.. night... keesha.. but. AHH.
i need to stop working out these things on the spot.
borders of forest, look. we didn't even have time to wait...
-- |
::
2004 1 March :: 11.36 pm
stareintohereyes
and he knew.
i just realized i portrayed the wrong being. [goddess of the night? another incarnation? must work in.] in all honesty i don't beleive in it, but then again, i don't even have faith in science anymore. so truth is all fiction.
even they are.
we're both attached through strings, puppet strings, though i don't know who's the puppet anymore; created controlling the creator? why, the christians did it...
well,,, hereweare, epiphany.
-- |
::
2004 1 March :: 12.02 pm
she clenches her hands; though new, she's already found her place. she's half out, as well; she has no true place in this world...
..but the reason why is enough to give her stand against this.
constance holds rek back; a boiling daishou has anger for a loyalty which was not acted upon. no words are exchanged.
we know.
something should have been done, but it wasn't. in fact, many know that it may well be merely nothing. [and she knew it was wrong[butknowing doesnothing]].....
take a breath.
clasp your hands. feel your center.
this meaningless drama will pass in time.
-- |
::
2004 28 February :: 11.54 pm
i've found bea's theme song - carbon by vnv nation.
and i digress. who is the god of sleep? and i wonder where they have all gone. i am in a state of constance.... always inhabiting me. one or the other. one and/or the other.
she wants to see a sunrise.
a pink.
a.
suzy rose early, the stars still in the sky, her mottled skin matching; three spots on her cheek mirroring orion's belt. the constellation was sinking now, and in its place rose the sun. it painted the sky. it bled into it. she worshipped moments like these.
you can't go kill a person when you're surrounded by beauty. you can't destroy the world unless you ignore its inherent aesthetic appeal. this is what her tribes, her anscestors had realized; they never closed themselves off from nature.
nature, world, mother; all the same word, in the ancient language. what they had sprung from. all had been born into this world watching the same sunrise she saw now. in this moment, she refused to beleive anyone on the planet could go a lifetime without a sunrise.
a life without beauty... she'd heard of it, though. and she didn't wonder why the cities of noardol, the ones beatrice had told her about, the dirty ones with barely a tree or animal, were filled with creatures of destruction; their souls, something that had to be fed off the grass and trees, rocks and rivers, sunsets and sunrises, never saw such things. they grew deprived and depraved. if only they'd realize, she thought. if only they'd realize.
civilization didn't mean isolation from nature.
-- |
::
2004 28 February :: 1.37 am
who the hell are YOU!?
...and why are you brighter in color than keesha..?!
..no.
i know who you are.
the dissolution of true loneliness.
i'm glad you've arrived, though i must say it was quite unexpected.
-- |
::
2004 26 February :: 10.22 pm
who ages, and who does not?
question: at this juncture in time [i am wondering, what is 'this' juncture, but i suppose it's this point in the wheel {who knows how big it is? i mean, deja vu..?} that is equivalent to.. like.. now..] i beleive keesha is about 6 mos older than i am, birthday somewhere in march [or what would be march, who the hell knows. i was planning on looking up days for mars years/hours for days/etc for equivalency]
i know rek is around 250+ and that also goes for horace. but alas, that's just 'wakened' time [yada yada] true age unknown. playing with idea of rek from heittjard. [need to remember alt# for eth.] blar. constance is old.
-- |
::
2004 25 February :: 11.35 am
beatrice is sitting there, waiting, bandaged.
[that was a job for rek, it looks like, but it is a mere silent protest. ]
the snow sinks down around her, peices of white, dusting the grass and scattered patches of dirty, older snow. it had seemed as if spring would have come early, if not for this cold in the mornings; but even now, two, supposedly the warmest part of the day, it's snowing. she sighs. hand rests on the grass. it's cold out, but not as much as it had used to be.
she's not sure why she awaits spring like this. is it merely being uncomfortable during this season, wearing more clothes and exposed to colder air? or is it sillier, a favorite choice, something childish-- perhaps a feeling. with spring comes opportunity.
she had returned from the city to come back here since it seemed like it had been getting warmer... the strangeness she feels whenever she changes places like this is fleeting, but this time lasted longer. she came back because it was warm, and she knew it wouldn't last, but being cold...?
today, though peaceful, it almost irritates her.
the weather goes on no matter what she does.
the wind blows.
she is caught in the world; the world is not caught in her.
it's only a sensible realization. if only they could as well.. that things get easier when you don't make yourself desire to control it all.
owning the world is just too much work.
-- |
::
2004 24 February :: 10.41 pm
i keep thinking 'who would think that' 'who would i picture like that' when i shouldn't even be asking.
i'm forgetting too easily.
-- |
::
2004 23 February :: 8.04 pm
...if this is just our mythology...
..why must it be the same for them..?
origins are bothering me... how things came to be this way. it's true that i wouldn't mind it if there remained to be none. no, that isn't. it'd bother me not to have an explanation. still, it's quite an undertaking to have to come up with something without being influenced... well. perhaps a little. i don't think it's impossible but it's not possible, either. after all the notion of sentient life isn't exactly mine. i can't seem to claim something... hm. well. considering this world is not in the reality outside of my braincase, i don't see why it should have to be limited to entirely scientific notions.
and here we are, possibly, with the option of a creation myth that defies its own definition.
[ everything is becoming more and more disconnect. ]
-- |
::
2004 23 February :: 12.11 am
:: Music: the celts
i'm still searching, searching... for a way of life that seems suitable.
everything i'm looking for, the tefeds have already found. they don't live in the same world i do. what i want to do is create a world that shows... what needs to be done to this world. that's why it's split in half. the tefeds=leavers; noardols=takers {read 'ishmael' by daniel quinn to understand} however, in this world, the leavers have actually found a way to live in civilization without putting the world completely off balance. and putting the world off balance is something the noardols are doing and, somewhere along the timeline, will eventually correct. it's really my hope.... if i ever make a manga, this is the message i want to portray-- that there is something beyond a culture that consumes the world.[btw, i have yet to actually name this world. i think it would be more appropriate if it didn't have one... though i'm sure the tefeds would have a name for it, something derived from the 'mother' lexicon or somesuch. which i haven't yet made up. one more thing i need to do.]
-- |
::
2004 21 February :: 7.17 pm
work work work WORK WORK WORK work work work work work work....
work....
work.
who sails around the world in ancient times, what travel? [or more likelly,,, since i can't remember the map at this point in time..] is there thick ice to the north of tefed? or is it clear enough for trade to go through..? ...if not.. would that incite more 'searches' for different ways for trade in the world to be possible?
just a thought. [circulation, circulation..]
-- |
::
2004 21 February :: 12.11 am
daishou, daishou. named after the pair of swords a samurai is expected to carry.. so why can she not be as such?
[my question is, how can swords become incarnate...?]
...so terribly...
i think we all need a break.
-- |
::
2004 19 February :: 11.15 pm
:: Music: duvet
...i don't want to talk about it.
-- |
::
2004 18 February :: 12.48 pm
:: Music: ever free
what is daishou?
..burning question. such as, something i wish i were, but if i actually was, would take it for granted and want to be something else. so therefore. she's what i'd like to be and doesn't.
...has she killed before..? ....
....perhaps.
-- |
::
2004 17 February :: 10.49 pm
:: Music: ATC
you're trying too hard.
i need to finish bios.. need to make this not real. trying to keep this from being too real. things that shouldn't be real are, and things that should be aren't.
i like the hierarchy, but it puts rek at the same level as constance; technically, she's just a bit higher... so say... rek is level 2 and constance is 2.3 or something ridiculous as such. well, it might even out. constance is more celestial, while rek is more tied in to myself, thus making her personally important... bah.
i don't really understand zvekh either. perhaps he wasn't meant to be anything more than pretty design.
also, i do think daishou has a rival.. whether or not we already know her, or if s/he is still alive, isn't exactly information that's readily available.
oh, rosewen. stop hiding your will, if you want to fight this. [parasite... why didn't i think of that word before?]
-- |
::
2004 16 February :: 2.30 pm
ew.... all so lame.
did i wake up disconnected?
-- |
::
2004 16 February :: 1.42 am
:: Music: scatterheart
"rosewen the actual girl is a shallow person, who changes personalities to get people to like her. her tendencies to buy and consume is derived from the fact that on the inside, she is infected with an insect-like virus [which is quite hypocritical, considering her squeamosity]. she is unaware that something else is alive inside of her, since it has been there since birth. her main functions in life are viral; consume, reproduce, regardless of the effects on anyone or anything else. lately, as the virus nears maturity, it seems possible it may consume her mind entirely and use her body as its own."
-excerpt from revamped char bios [in progress]. virus/infection, when discharges, is a bright orange color; also can be green, which is responsible for her neon green eyes. when mind is possessed, 'ray' shoots out from corner of eye [see here].
normal on outside, infected within. goes for personality as well.
[no wonder rek hates her, the fake.]
-- |
::
2004 15 February :: 10.23 pm
:: Music: evolutuion
incarnation of greed in insect form, life energy pervading, possessed from youth? definitely way too gaara... she won't tell me what's wrong with her. she's like that. has to be perfect.
-- |
::
2004 15 February :: 1.42 am
rosewen.
insect inside. consume, consume, feign love and procreate. bleeds acid and looks perfectly fine. god. bitch. doesn't even realize how her consumer ways kill the world.
-- |
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