To think that this meaningless thing was ever a rose,
Scentless, colourless, THIS!
Will it ever be thus (who knows?)
If we wait till the close?
Tho' we care not to wait for the end, there comes the end
Sooner, later, at last,
Which nothing can mar, nothing mend:
An end locked fast,
Bent we cannot re-bend.
I wanna take a ride on your disco stick
Time to go to bed because I have to work at six thirty in the morning. Bah. This will be the last time, though, because I changed my availability. I will have six roommates this year and it's not fair nor is it realistic that they will be quiet after ten pm on Friday and Saturday nights. Therefore, I said I can't work until nine in the morning after this weekend.
I work the next three days and then I'm off to home for five days for a bit of a vacation which includes a shopping excursion to Valueland with my mother and grandmother and a family reunion.
I tried on most of my clothes today to figure out which ones still fit and which ones don't. Because of my illness I went from a size 16/18 to a size 6/8 in the past year. Right now I'm hovering around a 10/12, which is perfectly fine for me. However, that means that I have a ton of clothes that don't fit-old and new. Luckily, I didn't buy too many small clothes when I was really sick, so I only have a few pairs of pants that are too small; most of my clothes are way too big. I'm donating them when I go to Valueland next week.
"Now and then she appointed trysts beneath certain shrubs about the grounds, where he would find her naked, or with her clothing half torn to ribbons upon her, in the wild throes of nymphomania, her body gleaming in the slow shifting from one to another of such formally erotic attitudes and gestures as a Beardsley of the time of Petronius might have drawn. She would be wild then, in the close, breathing halfdark without walls, with her wild hair, each strand of which would seem to come alive like octopus tentacles, and her wild hands and her breathing: 'Negro! Negro! Negro!' "
-Light in August, Faulkner
So...five year anniversary with Meijer today. I can't believe I've wasted so many years in that place. At least I get good hours and although I'm not making that much I have an in with management and it's relatively easy work.
This morning around three a nine year old girl stole about three hundred dollars worth of stuff from the store. She had snuck out of the house and rode her bike to Meijer. On her way (back home?) she got pulled over by the cops. Her mom had to take her to the hospital because she had cut herself with the utility knife that she stole to open the merchandise packages. After that, the mom brought her back to the store (about seven am when i first opened the desk) and purchased the stuff that she opened and got blood on and returned the other stuff that was still in the packaging. The girl didn't even look upset.
Not about anything
I didn't expect it to be so strange when I merged worlds. It's not bad, but it's different. I brought Poland, Australia, and America into the same place. I have Kara, who is experiencing what the real Shelton family is, and marveling at how I came from it. I have Prudence, who counts as both Polish and Australian to me, who is experiencing the American life. And then I have my American friends, who are experiencing the people I spent most of my time with abroad. Surprisingly (or maybe not,) I make friends with a similar type of people anywhere I go. Not that everyone doesn't have their own unique qualities, only that I tend to surround myself with people who will get along with each other. I really like my friends.
We're going to be traveling soon. Next trip will be about two weeks and we'll see Boston, New York City, Washington DC, Cincinnati, and Columbus, as well as everything in between. I'm really excited about this because I've always wanted to see New England more than ANYWHERE else in the USA. I know it's not a really thorough trip, but it's going to be great nonetheless. It's sad Prudence will have to leave about a week after we get back to Cedar, and Kara will leave in about three. I wish I could go with her.. I really hope I can. It all depends on the Australian government. I've already applied for residency; all that's left is waiting.
I'm going to miss my friends and winter Christmases. But Melbourne gets colder than Brisbane, so it will feel a little more like home. I can't WAIT to start studying, but once again, I'll have to wait. Two years. :S
I don't want to think about the future. My life is made up of a lot of phases. I'm always in a position where I can't do one thing until I've done another, and usually, it's time that's holding me back. Such as, a visa needing to be approved, or having a visa that won't let you study for two years. I'm not really in a hurry, but I like to feel like I'm working towards something. At least it never hurts to save money for a while.
I'm not going to complain about anything, or say anything contemplative, because I don't really feel like it, even though God knows I could. But it's been ages since I've written, so I thought I would. I used to keep a journal that I wrote in regularly, ever since I was little, but I haven't for the last year. I've never lived with anyone before in the sense that your lives actually affect each others, and ever since Kara and I moved in together, I haven't needed to write. Not much, anyway. We used to go to bed every night and just talk while laying there. It's harder to do here in America, where my mother is creeping around, making sure we're not being ourselves. That must be why I feel like writing right now. But also, Kara and Prudence are taking quizzes on some website right now. Instead of joining in, I went to woohu. I even forgot my password. I had to ask Kara--good thing she stores memories like a computer.
Well, we're going to drink some vodasz tonight, and watch Harry Potter movies (god help me.) The wine will help. :P
An old angry man threw his Meijer Credit Card at me yesterday when I told him I couldn't check his balance for him and that he'd have to call the number on the back of the card. I promptly said, "Sir, I want you to know that was very rude and I do not appreciate it" like he was five years old. He apologized and said he didn't mean any "offense."
Idea for graduate admission paper: Analyze three or four contemporary American novels (1980 to present) cataloging the decline and/or transformation of religion in the American population. Contemporary cultural criticism; additional information found from research polls and other cultural articles related to thesis.
We came across a conclusion of bifurcation in his cranial aporia. Scattered cognitive dissonance, unlike contrasting audible syntax, can lead to no beauty.
The collusion of the two works something like bent nails and unplugged television sets. "Two heads are better than one, though." I am sorry, but this binary efficiency motto was not created with situations such as dissociative identity disorder in mind.
And so we stumble upon this desert, this jungle again. Why must we always land here? I step onto a train of thought and I never arrive where I expect. I should start looking at the destinations, or mapping them myself.
and claim the deserved respect. - - - - -. - - - - [it's allegiance, or it's vengeance,
in a honorably sclerotic society - - - - - - .. ---. - with the vengeful somehow justified
where does one turn? - - -- - - - -- - - - - -- - - - .- by the allegiance they forced upon us]
for truth in roots ripped from tooths by soothsayers. deracinate the evidence from gums and fill each cavity with cement. (aw fuck, just flood that entire gaping hole.)
these lies will not be spread;
like butter with tongues as knives.
like the legs of whores for a price.
So, one more regular week left of school and then final exam week. A million papers due and a few exams.
Wednesday afternoon at work I realized that my right lower gum behind my wisdom tooth was hurting. Thursday it started to swell and by this morning it became bigger than my wisdom tooth. I called around to a few dentists in Mt. Pleasant because it hurt like a bitch and ended up going to the hospital to ready care. They gave me a script for some antibiotics, and antiinflammitory, and some prescription ibruprofen. On my way to Meijer to pick it up I realized that it was getting smaller and that my stomach hurt. I'm pretty sure I swallowed some nasty stuff that was in the huge inflamed bump. Gross. I came home, took the drugs, ate some ice cream and mashed potatoes and took a two hour nap. I'm still quite drowsy.
Rueben is at home and sick. He's not doing well at all.
I'm in band-aides. It's a small help desk/store for the music building. It's staffed by people from my fraternity.
University Band tonight. I practiced last night for a while and got some parts in shape. That's the first time I had practiced in quite a while. Drew, my conductor and my honorary little came knocked on my practice room door and was excited that I was practicing. No one in university band practices much-that's why we suck so much. Oh well.
Another paper down-I think I got it-had a french exam yesterday-barely finished it. I'm sticking with French. I only have one more year and then I'll be done. I'm starting to like it. I've finally figured out how to study for it and consequently am getting better grades.
That reminds me, I have vocabulary cards I need to make...
The distinct edges and hard lines are blurring. They pulsate and quiver with an unquenchable need to escape their dimensional restraints. To shift, to fluctuate in size and shape. To annoy and drive the eyes insane*.
They are tired of defining only the objects they envelop, and wish to be seen as entities themselves. They are sick of being the outlining structure that holds everything together and inside.
To inundate, and to invade
Messages on optic nerves
To flood them and to persuade
Chemicals to make it worse
Every rod and cone there is
Each retinal layer and lens
Will rot and finally perish
As my acuity descends
It's the middle-end half of the semester and I can't wait for summer to get here. I feel like this semester had way more work than any previous semester. I'm writing over 16 papers, having over 15 exams, and over 2000 pages of reading (one being an 800 page novel entitled "Middlemarch"). Add to that the fraternity and working twenty eight hours a week; it's been trying.
I have class in about a half an hour: political science. It's about foreign policy, which is alright, but not my favorite. I get to take the better classes next year.
I figured it out, I only have three more semesters left, so it'll be four and a half years in total. I think I'm going to do an internship, too, since I'll be finished in December and Grad school doesn't start until August. I was thinking about doing an internship in Lansing with a congressman and seeing where that takes me. Lansing is only a fifty mile drive from Mt. Pleasant, and a few day a week wouldn't be that bad. We'll see!
For now, things are going good. I'm able to eat again and that's making me gain weight back...not too much, though. I'm still much more little than I was. C'est la vie!
Everything is connected. Our actions have effects that we cannot conceive. We are gears in a machine, but we do not know how this machine is put together. If we did, or if we could look at the schematics, we could see every possible course that our energy output could take. We would see the end result, and we would know before we acted what the exact consequences would be. However, we don't have that capability. We may be able see this on a smaller scale, but we can never have the whole picture. Too many other gears are constantly interfering, ones of which we are completely unaware. Communication is key. If we could all work together coherently and efficiently, the possibilities would be endless. We are all parts in this machine and our actions decide the outcome and the product it generates. Synchronization. Collaboration.
The gear would be a symbol of the realization that my actions have effects on everything around me. It would serve as a reminder to question more thoroughly the things I do before I do them. It would keep me aware of a larger universe than just the one I inhabit in my mind.
My ideas are a result of the culture in which I was brought up. They are a product of all the information I've ever taken in. The gear is a symbol for the continuity of time. This is the reason for the twelve cogs, representing a clock. The past controls the present controls the future controls the limitless possibilities of time.
The endless circular motion represents the cycle that every atom on the planet is a part of. It is a realization of death as not the end, but as just another turn of the gear. Renewal.
The inner gear with ridges pointing inward symbolizes the fact that though I realize I am part of a larger entity, I cannot forget about my self. I cannot forgo completely my own goals, feelings, needs. I must weigh the two against each other and make my decisions.
They call me a mason, because I make you shit bricks
I'm known as an illness, cuz my rhymes are fucking sick
I am a magician, the way I make you turn tricks
I'm like a narcotic and you gotta get your fix
A collage of cartilaginous contusions
and what everyone usually just assumes is
painted, peeling black lacquered
barrels connecting bullets to the haggard
So... I'm a lot less grumpy than I was this morning. I finally finished my paper on Structuralism, although it's not a full two pages. I think it'll be fine. Who cares how Torodov uses Saussures concepts in order to analyze narrative plot?!?! Gah.
So, I have to work tonight, still have a few more classes today. I have a french oral exam tomorrow, then I have Literary theory, band, meeting, then I get to sleep in on Friday morning. Woot!
I hope i get my grade back for my political science (foreign policy) exam. I'm not sure how I did.
I'm super busy and I've been grumpy to Rueben. Sorry, dear!
Rueben, I'm sitting up at a computer on the fourth floor of the library by the big windows because our phones don't work. Again.
Ahhh. I also forgot my literary theory book. See, I thought I was suppose to write a paper on this horrible forty page article about reader response theory and it turns out it's on the eleven page less scary one that I actually understood, except the only problem is that I didn't bring my book, so I can't do that paper. But, I did do my paper that is due on Friday for my Victorian Literature and Thought class, so I'm a little ahead, but still behind :(
It's super nice out today and I feel like I want to be outside but I'm stuck in here in the library because that's where Rueben knows I will be because our phones don't work because SOMEBODY didn't pay the bill. I guess we probably should have checked that out after what happened last time. Oh well. I think I'll go through and plan my future now. I'm not doing French anymore. Well, I am. I'm in French 102 this semester, but I'm NOT fulfilling my BA requirement and taking a whole nother year of it and killing myself. No siree. So, that means that I'm switching to a Bachelor of Science which won't be quite so bad and I really only have english class, political science classes and three science classes to take for it. Yippee.
AHH. I'm sick, too. bah. I'm feeling better since I wrote my paper and I know that it's fanfuckingtastic. I feel a little crazy right now. AHH. Woohudotcom. bah. Fifty more minutes until Rueben is done with his lab. Then I can go to the store, get my pills, buy some cookies, go home, write my other paper, maybe, go to uband, go to the concert, go home, go to bed, go to class, go to work, go home, go to bed......