Dried Tears... not in vain

:: 2008 30 December :: 4.32am
:: Music: Isaac Marion's Moon Colony

I spit sacrilege through gritted teeth.
I am disconnecting from... reality. From consciousness. From tangibility. From dimensional restraints.

Thread by thread, I am tearing each stitch. Finding solvent for the glue, I pry each nail from its hole. I exhume screws from their cylindrical tombs. I am plucking staples and cutting ropes. I will deracinate the roots that attach me to the ground and degauss the magnets that are holding me down.

I am burning to be released in smoke. My name is Phlogiston.

I am the view from within a raindrop. I am the collision it has with your skin.

joeydomina

:: 2008 25 December :: 8.29am
:: Mood: Festive
:: Music: Tiny Tim - Tiptoe through the tulips

Duh
Merry Christmas one and all.

:: 2008 24 December :: 4.26pm
:: Mood: content

I'm home with the parents right now. I've been home for a few days since my seniority at work actually got me valuable time off for once. I've leaving tomorrow afternoon, though, because I have to work at five thirty on the day after Christmas, although Meijer doesn't actually open until six.

I'm going to be alone for a few weeks since Rueben is staying down here to work and I have to go back to Mt. Pleasant to work. I've already planned on going on a baking frenzy to take up my time. I think I'm also going to start working out at the student activity center now that I'm feeling better.

And I am feeling better. I've been able to actually eat for about three weeks now. I've gained about ten pounds back, so I don't look so scary any more.

Grades are in, I got all B's and a B+ in my English class, and I'm okay with that. If I can pull all B's while almost dying, I think I did well.

I'm not looking forward to driving home tomorrow, but I think I'll be alright.

It was nice having a few days off, and I'll be ready when next semester starts in a few weeks.

:: 2008 6 December :: 2.30pm

I turn 21 tomorrow.

5 moos | someone say moo

:: 2008 17 November :: 12.01pm

I have a french exam in one hour that I am not prepared for.

I'm fairly sure I just failed a math exam two hours ago.

But I think I'm going to be okay, and that's all that really matters right now.

[edit] I think the French exam went all right and I've almost eaten an entire tray of sushi. Yippee.

:: 2008 10 November :: 2.58pm

I haven't updated in a while. I haven't had time. No. That's incorrect. I haven't had the motivation.

Something is wrong. I'm sleeping all of the time and always tired. It's not depression. I went to the doctor's and they told me I had a viral infection and anemia. A week later, it should be better, but I slept for over twelve hours last night and I've been laying down every chance I get.

I went home on Sunday for a family reunion and the only things people said to me is that I look like a poster child for anorexia and I look tired. I've lost almost eighty pounds. I'm trying to stay stable at 130.

Although my test came back negative for mono, I still think I probably have it. Why else would I be so tired all of the time? Everything is suffering because of it: my grades, my attitude, my dealings with my friends and brothers.

I just want to wake up and be okay.

:: 2008 26 October :: 4.49pm
:: Mood: determined
:: Music: Manchester Orchestra

I will indulge in every whim and woman that I meet.

:: 2008 21 October :: 1.03am
:: Music: Saul Williams

Time
All of mankind grows and falls while seconds pass to centuries
And none of the ones left behind can find the answer to what's meant of these
Temples built in ancient times, lines written in the bible
Ignorance breeds confusion, birthing chaos, war, and squabble
While every turn and twitch of hands marks a moments stark abscission
One man thinks inside his mind with blurry, clouded vision
How many days can possibly reside within this hour?
And all he wants is someone who will praise him for his power
Not to bow or even beg, just simply nod in their agreement
That all his work was not in vain, to bring him closer to the cement
That every picture taken doesn't fade to nonexistence
The lens, the frame, the cameras flash; they serve as his resistance
To forgotten times, dead languages, and man's own great collapse
And so he strives to capture time itself within his photographs
He reflects upon the devastation and thinks that man can now do no worse
But the ticking clocks with twirling hands, their swinging pendulum it lowers
With a razors edge, moving back and forth, it slices time into its portions
While everyone lines up to find their months are now divided
The calendar hangs gutted, pages flip full of distortions
But dates erased can't be replaced no matter where they hide it

:: 2008 21 October :: 10.50pm

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one laughing, the only one aware. I just can't shake the feeling that sometimes I see things in a way that no one else can even comprehend.

Central won against Western. For those of you who don't know, it's a big deal. There are five state troopers parked about two hundred yards away from my apartment to keep things "under control." This is probably the quietest Saturday night of the year as of yet.

:: 2008 15 October :: 4.25pm

I am withdrawing from chemistry. It is going to make me a happier person.

I'm taking French and three literary theory classes next semester. Probably.

:: 2008 13 October :: 11.56pm

Be calm. Become.
Now be patient and embrace this.
Be gravity or weightless.
Let off, let up,
And learn to let it all go.
Let yourself be vulnerable
To fear, to failure.
Then to collapse and reconstruct
And to enhance with any luck.

:: 2008 16 October :: 7.58am

Monday.

Math at nine. Chemistry exam at ten that I feel like I'm going to fail, but I can't afford to.

French at one.

Follow up appointment with the doctor at three. Maybe I'll know what's going on then.

SGA at seven, meeting with Brothers at eight, eboard at nine, membership education meeting.

Oh, and I have to buy toilet paper sometime.

AHHHHHGGG!

joeydomina

:: 2008 8 October :: 10.17pm
:: Mood: Bored out of my effing mind
:: Music: The Ting Tings- Great DJ

Durr
Well I figure I should at least update a bit. Went out and splurged on a few things. I shouldnt do that since I'm not sure when we will get back to work. Things with the gf arent so hot right now and we've been fighting quite a bit over stupid and well trivial things. I dont know what to do about the whole situation. I guess I'm just tired of being treated like a doormat. Anywho I have tomorrow off and got my effing car fixed so now i have transportation, but for how long. Looking at renting a place though but for cheap and can allow dogs so if anyone knows of a place be sure to let me know. :)

Umm... if anyone isnt busy tomorrow be sure to let me know since it seems I have free times and stuff. Who wants to watch Sleeping Beauty on Blu-ray ;-) yeah I'm a dork what of it. So yeah give me a call if you got the number if not here it is...right about now... 890-3624 so yeah c ya.

Joey

:: 2008 7 October :: 12.27pm

I got a straight A on my contemporary theory paper about Existentialism.

Yay.

:: 2008 6 October :: 3.57pm

I'm finally getting into the swing of things this semester. My French Prof. told me I was doing fine in response to my comments about how I don't feel comfortable speaking in class or volunteering yet on my first participation review. I have things going with the Fraternity and I went to Mu Delta's (the chapter at Western) first degree on Saturday night. I have everything prepared for the chapter field representative visit when she comes the first week of November, and all in all, things are going well.

I have my follow up appointment with the gastrointerologist in a week and I turn twenty one in two months.

I still hate chemistry, but I'm going to stick it out because I have to. I'm doing alright in math, and I still don't have a graded paper back from my English class.

If I could live without the thought of death,
Forgetful of time's waste, the soul's decay,
I would not ask for other joy than breath,
With light and sound of birds and the sun's ray.
I could sit on untroubled day by day
Watching the grass grow, and the wild flowers range
From blue to yellow and from red to grey
In natural sequence as the seasons change.
I could afford to wait, but for the hurt
Of this dull tick of time which chides my ear.
But now I dare not sit with loins ungirt
And staff unlifted, for death stands too near.
I must be up and doing -- ay, each minute.
The grave gives time for rest when we are in it.

-Wilfrid Blunt

:: 2008 2 October :: 12.39pm
:: Mood: annoyed

Classes, health, everything is quite overwhelming at the moment.

I had my scope last Friday. I was going to update something about it, but I was still too high from the stuff they gave me and then I took a four hour long nap.

She told me that I don't have an ulcer, and they took some biopsies of my stomach lining/bacteria to test for super acidity. She said that I might need a CAT scan. My follow up appointment is a week from Monday.

Classes. French. Je ne comp pas. J'aime la francais, mais je deteste l'examens. I have a 79% in the class right now. I keep on failing all of the quizzes because we take them after five minutes of review. I think I'm doing better than a lot of people in the class, though.

Chemistry. I would drop it if I could.

Contemporary Literary Thought. I've only written one paper, which was two weeks ago, and I haven't gotten it back yet. There is a TON of theory and philosophy. I feel like I need a philosophy minor to know what's going on. I like my New Criticism, and it's definitely NOT that.

Math. It's just a lot of work.

I can't wait until next semester when I'm taking two English classes and a political science class along with my next installment of French. I think this semester is going to be my rut semester and I'll be happy if I pull all B's.

I think I'm taking History of Literary Criticism this summer and that excites me.

:: 2008 30 September :: 2.01pm

Rueben,

My phone won't let me call anyone. If you need me- I'm in Pearce on the fourth floor in the computer lab, and I'll be checking woohu.

If not, I'll see you at home around three or three thirty.

:: 2008 23 September :: 12.39pm

Time is slowly slipping through my fingers like a silken cloth.

:: 2008 17 September :: 12.25pm
:: Mood: hungry

So, I finally went and saw a specialist (gastrointerologist). I couldn't play last week in band because I was so nauseated and I finally got fed up with everything, so I went and saw a regular doctor at university health services and they referred me to a specialist in town.

I went on Monday and saw her: I'm having an GI ultra sound today at three thirty to rule out any possibilities of enlarged things (like my gull bladder) and I'm having a scope a week from Friday. The scope is where they shove a camera down my throat to look at my stomach and esophagus; I will be asleep when they do it.

For now I'm on Protonix in the morning to help to try to heal any errosion I've had, and Zantac at night to reduce the acid in my stomach.

The specialist said it's probably not an ulcer, but that the medication I was on (over the past year) probably relaxed the sphincter between my esophagus and my stomach allowing acid to come up in my throat. She said there's a strong likelihood that I will have acid reflux disease for the rest of my life if the sphincter doesn't heal.

I can't eat:
gum
tomato based foods
spicy foods
large meals
food high in fat
fried food
alcohol
coffee
caffeine
carbonated beverages

So, there it is. I'll get poked and prodded a bit more in the next few weeks: my follow up appointment is on October third.

Weight lost as of today: 66 pounds (scary)

On to french class (which is also scary).

3 moos | someone say moo

:: 2008 7 September :: 8.20am

Wheatland was great. It's always great.

I'm throwing myself into a busy week again; classes, work, the fraternity.

I made first chair in University Band for the first time in a year and I get many solos, one of which is a montage of Raisins and Almonds-a song which I played many a time in my youth practicing.

My health is improving. My aciphex trial is almost done, and I'm better, but not totally healed. Going to Wheatland screwed me up a bit: it's always two steps forward, one step back. I think once I'm done I'm going to go on Prilosec for a while to help it heal all the way.

Wheatland pictures to be on facebook soon (whenever Jessie gets them up).

Mike Gravel.

:: 2008 29 August :: 10.46pm

Ummm...
So, Contemporary Literary Thought=me reading Satre until I fall asleep for the past two nights, and tonight.

I likes.

:: 2008 23 August :: 3.28pm

French is scary.

:: 2008 20 August :: 11.41am

Ummm... I make kick ass caramelized carrots and stuffed mushroom caps? Yep.

I'm investigating grad school: classes and such. I don't know. BAH.

i don't wanna go to work. i don't wanna.

:: 2008 18 August :: 9.23pm

Rueben and I just got back from a long walk. It was quite pleasant, except for the swarms of bugs by the ponds.

I have another day off tomorrow! However, I do have to work Friday night, which is another move-in day. Boo.

Ellen is here and moved in, but she's at band camp all day.

I have a ton of food in the fridge leftover from band camp meals. Luckily, I can actually eat some of it now. Medicine is a good thing.