. Spok3nFor .

:: 2008 7 March :: 10.17am

& I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong;

So yesterday I told Kevin I couldn't do it anymore, he really didn't seem to care.
It just seems like we go through a week of it being really bad and then theres one day that it's good.
It's just fucking with my emotions way to much.
I love him, and this has been the hardest thing ive had to do.
He's all I think about, and all I want to do is phone him, but I know he isnt waiting for my call. I'm still hanging on to the slightest hope that he will change his mind. But my hope is slowly running out, thank god.
I wrote this when we first started going out:

Forever is what I see when I look in your eyes
Forever with you I live without disguise
Forever your kiss rests upon my lips
Forever your hands touch my finger tips
Forever with you is everlasting bliss
Forever with you I�m lost in all this
Forever I want to be by your side
Forever I have no secrets to hide
Forever and always will I love you so
Forever and always please don�t ever go
Forever I promise I will always be true
Forever all I want is to be with you

And I meant every word of it. And I wrote this yesterday:

I wish you could understand
How much this is hurting me
I never meant to hurt you
I wish I could make you see

You never try and stop me
And always walk away
And it feels like you never listen
To what I have to say

I can�t sleep or eat
And my body feels the pain
You�re the only thing I think about
And it�s driving me insane

But through all the tears and heartbreak
I still can�t seem to let go
And I�ll never give up or stop loving you
That I want you to know

So I�m sorry that I hurt you
And for what I�ve done and said
But living a life without you
I�d rather as soon be dead

I know there stupid but oh well.
I finally slept last night, I knocked myself out with gravol, I didn't sleep good, but I slept. I still havent been able to eat but I'm not to worried about that.

Right now I just need to surround myself with friends, to bad I don't really have any, other than Sammy, but shes going through a lot right now to. And I have Kisa but shes usually busy.
It's funny because when I broke up with Kyle and Joel, Kevin was always there for me, so it makes this really difficult.
That being said, I don't think he's the person I thought he was. He is pretty much just like every other guy. I know I hurt him, but at some point you just need to be willing to move on and get over it.
And the past three weeks have been hell trying to make it up to him. And hes hurt me a lot during those three weeks, and i'm still willing to fight for a relationship with him, because I thought it meant more than just some stupid highschool drama, but I guess not.

1 ...sweet love | waiting to grow

:: 2008 6 March :: 11.58pm

I worked from 11-5 then babysat from 6-11.

I am wiped out. I don't want to go to bed though because I feel like I just wasted my day.

I got a new phone. News at 11.

:: 2008 5 March :: 10.57pm

You know that girl in your math class who knew your professor really well because she babysat his kids?

Yeah, tomorrow I am totally that girl. Just replace math with folk and square dance.

I just hope it goes well. I haven't babysat in about three years. The kids seemed awesome and they will be asleep for half the time I'm there anyway. I'm just nervous for nervous sake I suppose.

:: 2008 5 March :: 2.59pm

Do this with me;

This shouldn't hurt so much :(

5 ...sweet love...sweet love | waiting to grow

:: 2008 5 March :: 12.35am

I do so enjoy receiving drunk phone calls. Especially when they include stories of mysterious makeouts in the oldest bar in Boston. Next time you're drunk, give me a ring.

I am terribly jealous that my friends are wandering around Boston and getting trashed at ancient bars. I am sitting here trying not to think about how I just indirectly admitted to Nick that sometimes I miss the opportunities I would have if I were single and planning my bus ride to work tomorrow. This adult stuff sucks.

I just want to party like any other college kid during my spring break.

It's nighttime, I'm getting down like I usually do.

Nick mentioned that the reason I might not be yearning for children like I usually am is because we have kitties. I think that he's right but I want to think that I'm over the marriage and children thing. I want to think that I am okay with where I am right now and I don't need any of that other stuff. And I do think that. I am convincing myself so far so who knows if it's true or not.

Blah blah blah.

I need a vacation. But not the kind I keep giving myself. I need a college kid, let it all hang out, party til dawn vacation.

I don't know what else I was going to say. Who wants to pretend we're all getting married and go try on wedding dresses? It'll be like playing dress-up.

3 ...sweet love...sweet love | waiting to grow

:: 2008 4 March :: 6.17pm

As excited as I am for spring and summer, and as pumped as yesterday made me feel for spring (I sat in bed with my laptop and the bedroom window open, listening to the 40 degree air blowing and birds (!) chirping), I really like that during winter I can throw on a pair of jeans, shove my coat on over the ratty T-shirt I've been sitting in all day, slide on some shoes (sans socks) and pop up my hood to walk up the street and go drop off rent. Winter saves me from having to put real clothes on, take a shower, brush my hair, make sure I don't look like I've been sitting around all day and find shoes to walk in. Luckily, the office was closed so I didn't even have to see anybody and it was warm enough and dry enough that I got to wear shoes instead of boots.

All convenience of the last five minutes aside, yesterday made me really want spring to come. I heard birds chirping. BIRDS! Not ducks, not geese, real live birds. And I opened a window and turned the heat down. And I thought about not wearing a coat. I had options! I wore shoes, like today, shoes!

I am really sick of living in a place with snow. I think this snow and winter crap is hitting me harder because last year I was on the beach and tanning. Or at least thinking about it by now. I don't want to have to deal with it anymore.

This cat needs to learn how to use his claws. He just tries to pull them off instead of sliding his paw forward. I usually just let him sit there a minute trying to figure it out before I help him.

My friends are in Boston this week looking at grad schools. Which is cool except I could be hanging out with them instead of freaking out about what I'm going to do after graduation. And after they leave me.

I think I'm going to play Zelda. For some reason, Nick HATES me playing the game in the same room he's in. It doesn't even matter that I say he's not watching me play. Apparently he is watching me, just like he's watching TV, even while he's on the computer. Whatever. It just makes me mad that he can complain all he wants when I do stuff on the TV while he's on the computer but when he does anything on the TV and I complain a little, I'm being an asshole. /rant

I want to dress up. I have tons of dresses and nothing to wear them to. We need to have a dressy party or something. I can't wait until it's warm. I'll never wear pants or shoes again. It's shorts, skirts, dresses and short pants from the first warm day on.

There was lightening on Sunday. It was awesome.

The end.

:: 2008 2 March :: 10.12pm

I miss you,

So I guess me and Kevin are over.
He misses Alicia and they kissed last night apparently.
Theres a lot to explain but I just dont have the energy.
As he walked away I was like "Is it really that easy to just walk away from me..." and he replied with "Yeah, it is that easy"

3 ...sweet love...sweet love | waiting to grow

:: 2008 29 February :: 11.29pm

The end of Stranger Than Fiction is my favorite part. I love that movie.

I am seriously thinking about getting a tattoo. I have zero money so it's not plausible right now (or anytime soon). I also want to wait a few months to make sure I absolutely do want it and it's not just a temporary want. Also, Nick doesn't like tattoos so don't mention it to him. I probably won't be able to get it anyway since we share funds and he thinks tattoos are silly. But I was just thinking about it so I thought I'd put it out there.

I want to participate in a die-in. It sounds like a lot of fun.

:: 2008 29 February :: 6.56pm

Lifes waiting to begin,

Ugh... I want to update but theres really nothing to say.
Me and Kevin are at a stand still, I'm not sure what to do.
All I can do is hope.

1 ...sweet love | waiting to grow

:: 2008 29 February :: 4.51pm
:: Music: Misery

Okay, seriously blogging now
I keep playing Iron Dukes even though I am really, very terrible at it.

Have you watched Drunk History yet? I resisted it for a long time but I just watched the episodes and it is quite hilarious. It's like if you filmed me drunk and I was making up stories like I always do.

I am watching Misery for the first time. I've seen some of it before but never all of it all the way through. I always thought it was so self-centered how Stephen King wrote a book about a writer being held hostage by a crazy fan. I mean, seriously.

I am waiting on one more book. I have all of them except Rachel's Holiday. I finished Watermelon last night. It was great. I am so excited to read the rest of her books and Anybody Out There? again. Oh that book is so good!

I'm debating whether or not to save the rest of Marian Keyes' books for last. I might just plow through them. I have break next week so I can always reread them if I want.

I don't really have anything else to say. I am dirt poor again. I don't even have enough money for rent. We're going to try to borrow some from Nick's parents and I'll ask my parents for a little too. I just don't know what happened. We somehow overdrafted our account again. Ugh. I would like our funds to balance out again. Sorry, you don't really need to know that.

[edit 6:26]
Phil Collins is just not as awesome in other languages. It sounds so weird. I always say that awkward sounding songs sound translated and that's really what it's like. Except it is translated. Okay, if I don't look at the lyrics and only half listen it's okay. His French accent is really harsh. His Spanish is okay, just over-exaggerated. Not like mine is any better and I'm really proud of him for signing the different versions. I'm just nitpicking because I have nothing else to do. I just realized that the one version is French Canadian so that might be why it seems so much weirder to me than the other. I'm sorry I ever said anything bad about you, Phil Collins.

Okay so now I'm watching Disney songs on YouTube. I am really surprised that I remember all the lyrics of these. And the ones in French are awesome. I am officially a dork. (I totally forgot about Strangers Like Me. I'm stuck on Tarzan songs now. I'm moving away from Tarzan by listening to songs from Prince of Egypt. (I know that's not Disney but that darn When You Believe song is awesome. It gets stuck in my head every time I hear it.))

Apparently Phil Collins is better in Italian? That's what the rumors seem to be. I'll check it out. Okay, Italian Phil Collins is awesome. Or maybe just because I don't know Italian it's better for me? I'm just going to put question marks on the ends of all my sentences now?

:: 2008 27 February :: 4.28pm

I stayed home today. Last night I couldn't sleep and kept waking up and feeling nauseated. Then I woke up this morning feeling the same way. And I still sort of feel queasy. I feel like I'm going to throw up in a couple minutes but that's how it's been all night. Just that almost throwing up feeling.

I'm still blaming the Salt Lake City air. I should probably eat something but we don't have anything that I don't have to make. Which is a bummer.

A building exploded in Eastown last night. Everyone is okay and it wasn't a usual haunt but it was freaky all the same.

2 ...sweet love...sweet love | waiting to grow

:: 2008 26 February :: 11.02pm

First off, I would like to thank you all for visiting my friends' blog. They were quite overjoyed at the amount of visitors to their site.

Secondly, I received two more books in the mail! I got Pontoon and Watermelon. Pontoon is a former library book from the Riverton Library in Riverton, Utah. I don't know why it got turned around so quickly, this book is still only in hardcover, but the stamp says "out-of-date material." I think it also came with some sort of Salt Lake County air because now I have a headache. That could also be because I am DEAD TIRED. Watermelon looks fine, it's gently used and I am excited to read it.

So I'm just waiting on Anybody Out There?, Rachel's Holiday and Angels.

I love getting mail.

I'm not feeling too hot. I got free coffee today and I think it did funny things to my stomach. I didn't have that much to eat before I drank a lot of coffee so that's probably my issue.

:: 2008 25 February :: 11.56pm

This is how you can tell that these people are my friends
At the same time I was LIVEBLOGGING last night, my good French semester abroad friends were doing THE SAME THING. My friends and I are meant to be together. Really. We are made for each other.

If you want to read their awesome (color-coded, triple-personality) liveblog of last night's events, you can just pop over here. They are hoping to get really popular and miraculously make a lot of money so they don't have to get real jobs after graduation.

Speaking of which, I am all out of friends after this semester. I realize though that I said this before I left for France and magically got friends so I'm not too worried. I am losing some of my very best friends this year so I am full of sadness. On a happier note, they want to go camping (?) this summer and have invited me along. That will be an adventure.

I love you all.