. Spok3nFor .

:: 2007 4 May :: 4.33pm

So this is life right now. It's okay.
I'm learning to be content with myself and my surroundings.
Taking it one step at a time.

Mostly I figured I would just give up because I wouldn't be able to graduate on time. And I wanted to take a semester off and just work.
But now things have changed. And I feel differnt. I would rather graduate and get school out of the way before I start anything new.

I desperatly want to get away. But I know that will come eventually.

I love my mom so much. Thats just something worth mentioning right now.

Lots of drama has gone on. Not now but in the past week.
I'm not sure I should bother writing about it but I guess. Because I'm sick of writing pointless entries.

So my Aunt Jamie is in England visiting her boyfriend. She is due back on May 8th. She had to be out of her house on Monday. So her son Andy was moving her out and he had a place to go but that fell through. And her daughter Ashley found out she was out of town so she went over and caused a lot of drama. Because they don't get along and shes a meth addict. So on Sunday me and my mom went over to help Andy and Ashley had taken his car and he told her she had to be back within half an hour and she said she would. Well 4 or 5 hours later she called and said that she wasnt coming back. So Matt (Andy's cousin) traced the call and it came from the Delta hotel, so Matt and Andy drove down to see if they could see the car and they could so they called the police, the police pulled up her record and shes wanted for credit card fraud. So they went in and there were 6 guys and Ashley. They found guns and plans for a robbery and so they arrested 4 guys but everyone else got out, why I don't know.
So once Ashley found out Andy had called the cops she left him a message saying "your fucking dead" or something like that. And early that week she threatend that his work would get robbed and it did. And he had been beaten up a few times.
Anyways. Andy stayed with us for a night and then he went somewhere. And hes staying there for awhile. But he left his cat with us :D It's cute, his name is squirt.
Anyways! I think thats all of it. I swear it could totally be made into a movie. :D

But i'm off to my dads for the weekend.

1 ...sweet love | waiting to grow

:: 2007 25 April :: 12.25pm

39 days, bitches!

I am so excited to come home!

So at the u here there are four or five levels of classes. At the beginning of the year, we took a placement test to get into a level. Most of us got in level 3 but two of us were placed in level 2. Anyway, the only test we have is at the end of the year. In France, doing well on the exam means getting 50 percent but at home, that transfers back as a D. On everything. So last year's group made a stink and this year, one of our professors here expressed concern for our sucess on the exam. She signed us up for level 2's exam so we could actually pass. I still have to take level 3 but they take the best grade you get anyway in the end.

So I am not worried.

Just waiting to come home.

I love you all.

:: 2007 24 April :: 10.43pm

Sucker love.

:)
Life is complicated.
I like a boy but nothing will ever come of it. But it's okay. I'm not ready for more drama.
I miss Kyle's family.
I've been thinking about Kyle less and less.
But still a lot.
I'm back at work, it's good :)
Um school...kinda sucks right now.
Friends are good. I've been more busy lately :) It's nice.
Family is good.
I've been depressed but not to the point where it's unbearable.
I've been having troubles sleeping lately aswell. I hope I don't have insomnia again.

:: 2007 23 April :: 2.12am
:: Mood: horny

Whats your fantasy?

We stand face to face, in a dark room. I wear nothing but the handcuffs around my wrists, he is completely naked. He tells me to get on my knees and I obey. He grabs a fist full of hair and pulls my head back. Open your mouth he commands. I do as he says. He thrusts his erection into my mouth. His movements are slow and deep. He tightens his grip on my hair as his pace increases. A rough moan escapes from his throat as he comes closer to climax. He pulls out and orders me to get on the bed. I lay on my back as he hovers over me. He bites my lower lip, then my neck. I squirm as he moves down my body caressing my nipples with his tongue. I cry out in ecstasy. "Shut up you whore" he yells, as he clamps a hand firmly over my mouth. He slides his hand up my leg and vigorously shoves two fingers inside me. "Is that what you want you dirty slut?� I do not reply, he says it again, the tone of his voice louder and harsher. "Yes" I moan. He spreads my legs wider and lifts my knees to my chest. He enters me with a solid thrust, I whimper with a mix of pain and pleasure. He slaps me across the face, and blood trickles down my lip. As his thrusts become faster and stronger my breath increases, he groans as he violently penetrates me. He shoves his tongue in my mouth, and as his pace quickens I clench every muscle in my body. Finally with one firm thrust he erupts inside me. I wrap my legs around him and scream as I climax. My body shakes as he pulls out. I lick the cum off of his still hard erection. We lay entwined together on the bed, breathing together in unison.

2 ...sweet love...sweet love | waiting to grow

:: 2007 18 April :: 12.04pm

I am done with fucking France. I hate it here. I am ready to come home.

Oh and our wandering across Europe had us go to Budapest, Prague and Brussels. It was fun. And the weather is really nice.

But i just want to come home.

Oh and Kurt Vonnegut's death upset me. It made me think about Katti and Oliver and I just heard him on the radio before I left...

Then this school shooting. The world is falling apart while I am gone.

And why isn't anyone awake and on msn at 6 in the morning?

I want to come home.

:: 2007 14 April :: 3.20pm

My stupid fuck.

I fucking hate EVERYONE.

I miss Tianna.

Everyone else should fucking die.

:: 2007 8 April :: 1.27am

Suprise Suprise.
Kyle started dating someone new like the next week.
Now all he does is talk about her because shes so amazing apparently.
I shouldn't let it get to me but it does.
I wish I never met him.
Well that isnt entirely true. It wasnt all bad.
I hope karma comes around a bites him in the ass.

This is my impression of him now:

Lyke and then i got drunk with my girlfriend and then this happend while i was sooooooooo drunk with my girlfriend and then i did this all drunk and this person was drunk and i was so drunk and puked and my girlfriend was so drunk and we were just all so drunk 2 nights in a row and we went to a punk show all drunk and we were drunk at a punk show and it was hardcore.

Other than that, cara came to visit with her baby. So cute! And her boy Dallas is real nice.

And Tianna is grounded for 6 months because she got caught skippin school again.
And her parents blame me. Even though im more positive for her than they are, they didnt graduate, they cant hold a steady job and they just sit and smoke crack.

Anyways all for now. To much to write and I dont feel like thinkin about it.

7 ...sweet love...sweet love | waiting to grow

:: 2007 3 April :: 8.15pm

I am in Italy. We went to Rome and now we are in Florence but we leave tomorrow for Venice. Then Laura, Bekka and I will drift across Europe like crazy backpackers. I am excited for it.

I love you all.

And, Nick, I miss you oodles. And love you even more.

:: 2007 18 March :: 9.51pm

Smash my baby doll;

- Me and Kyle split
- Not even 4 hours later he was fucking some chick
- I don't see how you can just stop loving someone or caring?
- I also can't believe you can throw away something thats been over a year just like that
- My heart is really broken. But I think I'm taking it okay, I really have no choice, I'm upset that it ended like this. And it sucks because I love him more than he will ever know and he wont even tell me why he ended it or why he did what he did.
- Planning on just being single, I don't want to be with anyone other than Kyle, so i'm going to need lots of time to get over him.
- Been pretty stressed out. Mom had an anxiety attack and I had to call 911, she was passing out and stuff but I thought she was like dying, so that scared me more than anything
- Smoking lots of weed lately, its not to bad
- Um schools going good, works okay.
- Idk what else to say, there is obviously HELLA I want to write about Kyle but I just don't feel like it.

1 ...sweet love | waiting to grow

:: 2007 15 March :: 3.56pm

I hope your meeting goes well today, Katie!

2 ...sweet love...sweet love | waiting to grow

:: 2007 12 March :: 1.12pm

So my parents are for sure not going to come visit because of some stupid government passport thing. Which means when everyone's parents come to visit the first week of April, Rachel is going to be depressed and alone. In Perpignan, capital of NOTHING TO DO.

We found peanut butter, cherry coke, vanilla coke and taco kits at one store on Saturday. It was a good day.

I got my course schedule in the mail and just emailed the advisors with my class schedule. It is exciting!

Today is Nick and my anniversary so I am sad. He also starts his new job today so wish him luck.

I hope everyone and their lack of wisdom teeth are doing fine. Love love.

:: 2007 7 March :: 11.49pm

I wish I had someone to help me through this but I dont.
Everyone hates me.
Maybe not everyone. But everyone I trust stabs me in the back.
People are telling Kyle more lies. And hes believing everything they say. Its tearing me apart.
I'm having an emotional breakdown. Its been along time coming though.
I need help but no one wants to help me. Ive tried counsellors but they never call me back. Ive tried to get my mom to call but they dont call her back.
I feel so helpless.
I do not know what to do. I have no more options.
I guess I can't rely on anyone except myself. But I dont even know how im going to get through this.
At this point no one really cares. I wish they did. But I cant change how they feel.
I pretty much just want to crawl in a hole and die.
Everything ive been working to get i know i never will.
Its hard to wait for something I know wont happen. But I keep waiting.
I guess thats my own fault.
I just wish someone would care.
I just thought that maybe someone for once thought I was there everything.
Someone couldnt stand to see me cry, couldnt bear to hurt me.
Would do anything for me.
God knows thats how I felt about Kyle. I know I hurt him though. I didnt mean to.
I dont know what to write, or say.
I cant fix anything. Everytime I try to do something good I get shot down.
No one is on my side. Everyone wants to see me fail. No one wants me and Kyle together.
Kelci, who I thouht was my friend. Told Kyle that I liked Lance, she told him all this stuff.
And its not true. But he wont believe me no matter what I say or do.
Its not true. The only one I want to be with is him.
And no one else wants that.
Like for once I wish everyone would stay out of my life and my relationship. If your just going to stab me in the back why talk to me in the first place.
I cant believe how cruel people can be.
I try so hard and it gets me no where.
I try to do good at everything. I try and do what everyone tells me.
Oh do this and he will get back together with you. Or no you should just leave him you deserve better. Kelci actually told me that, amoung a bunch of other people that did.
Kelci actually said "oh you deserve better and if hes just going to keep hurting you why be with him?".
She also said "ive seen and been in bad relationships. And your relationship is bad".
Like cant people mind there own fucking buissness.
I remember it used to be good when people werent fucking involved.
I would give anything to have those times back.
Whats the point in living anyways?
I have to go to school, I have to go to work. I have to do this and that.
Then I have to graduate and get a good job and move out and buy a house.
Like what the fuck do I have to do all this for if I die in the end anyways?
I know I sounds all stupid and emo but everyone fucking gets emotional.
Was it so wrong for me to think that maybe once someone really wanted to be with me and only me. For once someone would hold me when Im sad and do anything to cheer me up.
But maybe I need to find happiness on my own?
I don't really see how thats possible when everyones mad at you.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate not knowing what to do.
I hate that no one is there for me.
I hate that no one cares.
I hate being the one that has to get up and go to school and go to work.
I hate that I have no one to go to.
No one to hug me
No one to hold me or kiss me
No one to tell me its going to be okay.
I hate how I have to cry myself to sleep.
I hate how I know things arent going to get better. But I still try.
I hate myself.
I hate how I care no matter what
I hate how I let myself get treated the way I do.
I hate how I never stand up for myself and always lets people walk all over me.
I hate how everyone just laughs in my face.
Or talks behind my back.
Or tries to ruin my life.
Like did anyone every consider that Kyle was the only thing I really had?
Sure I have my mom. And Tianna.
But Tianna doesnt know what im going through.
Fuck all the people that said they would be there for me.

:: 2007 2 March :: 5.12pm

All I ever wanted;

Kyle is fuckin useless.
He called. I wish he didnt. He was a jerk. And blamed me for him being paranoid. Now he knows how I feel.
I knew nothing would change.

Its like nothing he did to me the past 3 months matter because it was all because of a drug problem. And now hes all in detox so its like oh yay kyle. im so proud of you for getting of the fucking drugs you started doing in the first place cause you couldnt deal with your fucking shit. When i have to put up with so much.
But you know whatever fuck him. I dont need this shit in my life. And hes probably going to relapse anyways.
Like he didnt even say he loved me during our conversation at all. And the only reason he said he missed me was because I asked him.
And when he went in on Monday he acted like it didnt matter and he didnt even kiss me or hug me or anything like that.
So fuck his bullshit.

:: 2007 1 March :: 8.24pm

Should have known better.

I fell really hard in skating. My knees hurt.
I get to see Kyle Sunday for a bit.
I work all weekend.
It sucks.