All over a bowl of bitter beans

:: 2010 15 September :: 1.14pm

So I brought my iMac into Apple to be fixed at 10 in the morning on Sunday. They told me it'd take one to three days. I just called to check on the status of my computer, and they told me they haven't even touched it yet.

.. seriously, guys? I'm grateful as hell for this beautiful computer but why my father didn't just go with a Dell, I'll never know. I've only had it for four months and it already just stopped working. I've never had ANY problems with any single Dell computer I've ever owned in my entire life. Never had a virus, random blue screen of death, nothing. Ever. Four months into my first Apple and this shit happens. MEH.

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:: 2010 10 September :: 11.26pm

Wow.

First weekend off in.. months. I seriously do not remember the last Saturday that I had off. Not that I'm complaining about working or anything, I just don't remember having one off. And I'm loooooving it.

Going to the Verizon store tomorrow. I can't afford any cool phone's but.. I will be getting something new and that's all that matters.
I am really hoping I will be able to keep my same number, 'cause it's such a hassle switching them around.

Oh and - cannot wait for the 3Oh!3 concert in November. Yay!

:: 2010 10 September :: 3.13am
:: Mood: accomplished

I just put Blind Melon and Smashing Pumpkins on a Pandora station and got a Brand New song.. weird.

I'm bored and my mind won't stop racing, so I might as well..
Read more..

:: 2010 10 September :: 1.36am
:: Mood: bored

For some reason my fucking iMac won't turn on. I went to move the monitor yesterday and accidentally pressed the power button like I always do, so the computer shut down. When I went to turn it back on, the system made noises as if it was starting up but the speakers don't make any noise and the monitor stays completely off.

I don't know what to doooo. I googled and got instructions on resetting some shit, idfk I just had to press some buttons at the right time which I did a million times and nothing happened. I don't know if I should bring it into geek squad or what. I don't know about sending it into Apple because I don't wanna wait THAT long for it anddd my dad bought it for me as a graduation present, so I'm not quite sure if he got insurance with it or if he has like, an account with them.. I JUST DON'T KNOWWW.

I wish it'd just work, magically.

I feel like my days have been so messed up because I've spent so much time down at my sisters, which is where I am right now. I don't have my own little space like I always have in my room at my computer desk. Tonight I was planning on going upstairs, cleaning my entire room and just relaxingggg by myself in my own room all night. Now that can't happen 'cause I don't have a computer to entertain myself with. :3

Hmm.. my grandma's kitty finally came back today. I spent a little bit with her then locked up the house, so hopefully she won't be getting back out. I feel so stressed out. I have sooo many dishes to do because me, Matt, Sarah, Mike, and anyone else that I've brought here have just destroyed the entire kitchen and the rest of the house. She comes back on Saturday so I have some intense cleaning to do, amongst other things. Like my laundry :\ All of my clothes are on a gigantic metal rod thing, all messed up and cluttering up my entire room. I don't know what to do with it. I have no furniture and my closet is piled up with shit because apparently I'm a closet hoarder.. lawl, get it, closet. yeah anyway.

I just need everyone to get the fuck back home so I can get on with my normal daily routine.

Rissa

:: 2010 8 September :: 5.23pm
:: Mood: discontent

So I dropped my grandma off at the airport yesterday, which means I'm now in charge of six different cats.. not including my own two that I've been neglecting, which makes eight.

The sunrise was BEAUTIFUL yesterday, I managed to get a few shitty pictures from my phone.

Read more..

Seriously, you'd think that a $500 blackberry would have a better camera.

Anyway. I went to check on her cat for the first time today and she had already managed to get out of the house. My grandma told me it gets out through the AC in the window, so she taped the sides shut and when I got there the tape was torn up on the floor. I didn't have the patience to wait there any longer than 20 minutes for it to come back, so I left the window open. I hope he's fucking back when I go later or I really don't know what I'll do. That poor cat just recently suffered a really bad neck injury, and now it's back out in the wild probably getting beat up again by other cats. It fucking stresses me out to no end because there's NOTHING I can do.

I'd wait there all day for him to come back, but my grandmother is a hoarder. Her house is so dirty... I just can't handle being in there for any longer than I have to. Makes me a fucking anxious mess like I've been ever since I've been in charge of all these damn cats.

All I can do is sit and hope that it's alright and will get back inside safely AND STAY THERE until I return. =l

:: 2010 7 September :: 2.50pm
:: Music: Still Waters Run Deep - 69 Eyes

It smells like crisp Autumn air mixed with laundry, and it took my headache away for a minute.

It was a minute that seemed to last forever.

I realize that I've taken a lot for granted lately. Actually, not just lately. In the entirety of my life. All the time, basically every single day.

I know it's impossible to put things in reverse, but at this moment it's all I want.

A reverse button.

Not even to "re-do" anything, but more so to watch..or just to get "that" feeling again.

Every so often as of recently, I've been getting a glimpse of "that" feeling again. Most likely because I'm getting a glimpse of what life should really be like. Thanks to a good, dear friend.. and a possible willingness on my part to go out and do more things (besides turn everyone down who wants to hang out, and sit at home) -- I have felt like I'm living again. Just a little bit.

I think this trip my good friend and I have planned will be just what I need.
All that I need.

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:: 2010 6 September :: 3.04pm
:: Mood: kitties. everywhere.

ugh I've been cat-sitting for my sisters five cats in her apartment downstairs from my house. This is only the third day and I really can't take it anymore. One of her cats, Babygirl, is handicapped. She was shot at by our fuckbag of a neighbor so one of her legs is fake and can't be bent. Her other cats are Nigga, Sampson, Charlie, and Musha. Musha is the baby who needs a lot of love like Babygirl, so Musha and Babygirl are supposed to be kept out in this room, while there's a gate up in the kitchen so that Nigga and Sampson can't reach them while I'm not around.

I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS DAMN GATE.
Matt and I tried sleeping in her room both nights that she's been gone. The first night he was passed out drunk so he doesn't remember me getting up every five seconds because of Nigga getting through the gate or because I hear Babygirl crying and I walk outside and Nigga's hissing at her.. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. And me being the worrisome loveable kitty person that I am.. I just feel so terrible. I know I can't just leave them all together for Babygirl's sake but then I felt terrible locking them up in the kitchen, plus they'd just break the gate within 15 minutes anyway.

This is just.. stressful. I was up until 5 in the morning until I finally got them all where they're supposed to be, put the gates up, and went upstairs to my own bedroom finally. Of course I came down this morning and Nigga got through the gate yet again. *sigh* Only one more week of this.

My grandma's going away tomorrow too, so not only do I have to pick her up by 6:30 in the morning, but I have to watch HER cat, too.

:: 2010 5 September :: 5.36pm
:: Mood: contemplative

It's kind of ironic how after I posted that entry earlier today, I started talking to Sarah and she kind of feels the same as me right now. Sam and Ariana went on a ~spontaneous~ trip to go see Stone Temple Pilots earlier today and apparently Sarah's pissed because they excluded her from it. If there's anything I've learned in the past 3 years of being in a group of four teenage girls who are best friends.. is that you can't rely on any single one of them. One of them will always be closer with the other, and that will change continuously. You will hate every single one of them at some point in your friendship. But for some reason, you can't just cut them out of your life. Because they've been your best and your only friends ever since your old ones disappeared.

I think all of this is only true for the very unique group of friends I have. They all have their own problems, and I could go into that with much more detail but I won't, because this is public and some part of me will feel bad if they ever saw this. I just know that I can't truly rely or trust any single one of them. I don't know about you, but I think that going through a good period of time where you're growing up with people that you can't trust.. I think that'll do something to you. Like I just said to Sarah, I've taught myself to never expect less than a raging dickhead, as she says. I won't give you the chance to fuck me over because I already expect it to happen. I also won't give any genuine person a chance because I can't tell the difference anymore.

All I know is that I trust, depend, and completely rely on only myself and my boyfriend that has been with me since I was 13 years old. And like I said earlier, I'm okay with that. But Sarah, Sam, and Ariana will still be around, because I'm always gonna hang out with them when there's nothing else to do and they're willing. They're fun and all, but I've learned exactly what role every single person in my life plays.

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:: 2010 5 September :: 2.42pm
:: Mood: sleepy

I know if I had some more friends on this site and actually had active journals to read, I'd update more often. But it's awkward commenting on a random strangers personal thoughts.

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Rissa

:: 2010 5 September :: 2.08pm
:: Mood: bored

Wow, I can't believe this journal is five years old. I'm 18 now. I always forget about this place and end up coming back to look around. I don't know why I never update. I should probably start, cause my livejournal is just filled with a whole bunch of nothing.

My 'friends' are currently ignoring me. It seems they're only interested in answering me when they want something. Like if Sam eventually needs a ride home, and she knows her boyfriend Jimmy won't bring her. Sarah only wants to hang out if Ariana isn't free, and for some reason I'm never invited. They tell me I can never chill because I'm always with Matt, yet Matt works every day until 8 at night and I spend most of my time at my house, alone until then.

Whatever, I don't take that shit to heart anymore. I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to have another ~best friend~ besides my incredible boyfriend, and I'm okay with that. It just sucks that he always has to work. Like right now, I'm sitting in my sisters apartment downstairs from my house. The door's open, the sun's shining, it's beautiful out. It'd be nice to have Sam, Ariana, or Sarah here to enjoy the weather, light up a few bowls, listen to music. Instead I'm doing the same thing alone. It gets boring.

Same thing with my boyfriends group of friends that I hang out with. They get boring. Every night we're either at Tim's or at Steve's. Steve's house is fun. Beer pong, usually a lot more people than just the 5 or 6 of us. Tim's we just relax, smoke, order food, and end up watching them play a stupid video game until 3 in the morning.

And as far as I'm concerned, that's all there is to do around here. Everyone else that I know has gone off to college, and we're the only ones left here at RCC.

I don't even know why I'm writing all of this. I'm just bored. I'm probably gonna end up visiting my boyfriend Matt at work for his lunch break cause Sarah's apparently working from now until 8, too. I know, all of this is adding up I NEED TO GET A JOB. I just don't know where. I know I'm WAY too picky about where I want to apply to. That has to enddd.

:: 2010 27 August :: 9.41pm

It smells like a freshness I've never been able to grip since the day it all ended. The clouds were billows of smoke, in any shape I could think of.

It was periwinkle blue.
Everything was blue, and green.. and bright. Like bright white hospital lights that weren't intimidating. I squinted a lot, I remember, as I dipped my toes in the serene water. I felt the fish nibble a bit, and it always made me jolt and go back for more.

I wandered behind the pond, and glided my fingertips along the petals of a hundred roses. The deep, abundant purple flowers of the Azalea bush caught my attention each time.
I floated on thoughts, and spoke imagination.

I wished for nothing.
I wanted nothing, for I had it all.

The grass never smelled uncut. The sun always shined through the trees, onto the grapevine trellis where I would hide secret treasures. It felt warm, like I was wanted, like a true home's caress.

No matter the season change, I remained invited. The aura called my name, and I never missed a step.

Beauty at its most vulnerable.
Unforeseen by most, witnessed by few.

A real-life Fairy-tale.

:: 2010 6 May :: 11.16am

So, today is a new day.

It's really crazy how fast people's emotions can change.
I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, and wanting things and not getting them. I feel bad that I put it on the internet so other people can find it and say, "wow, that girl's an effing complainer." Yeah.. if I found my journal on the internet and read it, I'd feel pretty plain stupid.

My life's not bad. At all. Certain aspects? Yes. 100% of the time? No. I hate coming off that way. I like my life, I just need to step it up, get out of my shell. I'm starting to make a list in my head to see what it is exactly that I need.I'm thinking my number one is more friends.. but the fact that I've been feeling pretty antisocial lately isn't helping. See, I do want these things in my life, I just never think I have the time when I do.
I like feeling safe, having a handful of friends. But I'm beginning to see that I never got the experiences most people at 19 have had. I'm not like everyone else my age, but I'm honestly trying to make it work. Well, some of the time.
Geesh, I make no sense.

So, I'm sitting here in Baker's parking lot on Shane's computer (hoping the battery doesn't take a crap) - waiting for him to get out of his class. It's only been like.. 30 minutes. ugh. We're going to the mall after.. probably going to eat some nasty mall-food that I love, and shop a little bit (Are there any guys that like to shop out there? cause I'd love to meet them!) After the mall, we're stopping by to see my brother for an hour or so. I haven't seen him in a couple weeks. In fact, I don't think anyone has. So, it's a little overdue, but I think he'll be happy to see Shane since he got approved to see him.

Also, does anyone seem to know any diet tricks? I'm trying to lose 10 pounds and it's definitely not working. I hate exercising, so that could be why. I do have my gym membership, I just have to get in the habit. It just sucks 'cause I hate all the food that could help me. Basically, I kill hunger with bread and cereal.. and chicken. Yeah, what a way for me to lose weight. Way to go me!

Wellll, that's all that's floating in my brain at the moment. I could sit here for hours and type meaningless junk, but I'm getting just as bored as everyone else.

Until next time..

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:: 2010 5 May :: 5.39pm

When I do this, I realize my friends aren't close.

When I lash out, it's really misplaced anger. From being angry at myself, my mom, anybody. I've been trying to keep composure.

My gate fell today. I feel so dramatic. I feel like it's no big deal, but it is. Well, maybe not to you or your friends.
I'm just upset with me. Yeah, just me. Because I control what happens with this life.. and I've done nothing to change it. And I know I won't, and it kills me everyday.

I yelled at Shane today for not wanting to go to the mall with me. I got my hopes up about it, and no, it isn't a big dilemma. He didn't want to go, and I got really upset. I couldn't control my anger, and I know he doesn't understand. I know he doesn't understand a lot. Not much about me, actually. But it's like I can feel this anger and hate and.. this almost feeling of betrayal. I can't describe it, other than just pure anger. It's not towards him, and I tell him that. Usually not, anyway. I hung up the phone, and cried. For a good 20 minutes. Not because I didn't get to go buy new summer clothes, or because I didn't get to keep my plans, and not even because I felt like a crazy super-bitch.

Not at all.

I cried because a realization washed over me. I was angry and hostile because I realized I have no friends here. I have Shane. My mom. And that is all. If Shane doesn't want to go, and my mom is gone.. who do I call?

Fifty miles doesn't seem far, but today it does.

---
And don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?
You grew up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe..
And reruns all become our history.
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio, and I won't tell no one your name.
---

:: 2010 14 April :: 1.30pm
:: Mood: anxious

I need a new start, and I'm trying to find my niche.
So far - it's not working.. but I'm trying. I guess that counts.
I'm trying to find a new school, a new place for myself - in life.
I've become to realize that things I thought were important are little specks, and the things I never thought about are here to beat me in the face. I don't like these sorts of wake-up calls, but I'm also grateful for them.
Because some people never hear them.

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:: 2010 1 April :: 1.45pm
:: Mood: melancholy

As I stood on the deck at Shane's house this morning, with the warmth of the sun shining on my face, I closed my eyes in hope.
I imagined. Deep into the crevices of my brain, I dreamed. I closed my eyes tight, but opened them on the inside. What I saw was beautiful. What I saw was what I want so badly, but cannot have.
I woke up this morning - facing the white wall. I opened my eyes, and closed them again. Imagining what I want. I saw a creamy tan wall, two windows with white trim - the sun was coming in, but I could feel it how I wanted to. I imagined standing up, walking to the porch and standing in front of the doorway. I stared out, all of the houses, the calm, the rejuvenating feeling I yearn for was there. I watched a car go by, I stared to the blue sky, and breathed. I love when I can breathe. Then it goes.
I know I have to open my eyes, see the reality of what is in front of me. So, I do. The white wall was still there. I closed my eyes, reopened them, closed and reopened. I knew the drab wall wasn't going anywhere. I sat up, pulled the curtain back and saw my car outside. I saw Shane's. I looked at the pine's and the grass poking through, and all of the new-coming growth.

I had a dream that I was sitting in my driveway. But I wasn't young, I was 19. I was who I am now. I was sitting in my driveway at my home. It was a light grey, with a lot of little rocks and ant hills. I had a couple leaves in my hand. Ants scurried by, as I attempted to grab them. I looked to my house - off-white siding, hunter green shutters, a big maple tree in the front yard. I looked back and smiled, I felt the feeling I always felt.
Everyone around me, the world, the whole universe was at my fingertips. I felt alive. The garden hose was lying beside me. It was running, and a pool collected near the end of the driveway. I sent the leaves down my little man-made river, watching as they swirled around at the end of their journey. I got up and my dream ended as I went inside the house.

It was a beautiful dream. It felt like it happened yesterday, but I know it didn't. Most of the time I know I need to get over it, that I need to stop. But others, like now, I like the feeling of the sun.
Even if the only way to feel it this way is within a dream.

:: 2009 12 December :: 1.38pm

So, I've got work tonight. Well, at 3, so midday I guess.
I hope it goes decently. I never know how it'll be though, but I hoooope that my co-worker will stay with me til 7, because then I'll have my sanity until AT LEAST then.
I went out with Shane's mom last night, it went well. She got some "Shane" shopping done. Though he's quite easy to shop for.
I'm done with my shopping!! I'm proud of not being a procrastinator this year.
I also got my hair done yesterday. It's purple and sort of asymmetrical. I told myself I wouldn't chop my hair again, but I gave the stylist creative-freedom, so it's really my mistake. I don't have my USB or I would upload some pics. I kinda like it, just needs some getting used to.

My cat's cuddling me. I love her. Quite frankly, she is the best animal I have ever had. I would give a lot for her to be immortal. I can't imagine her being gone whatsoever. She's almost 14, and it's really scary.

Jo-Jo - I need to send your letter out!! I just need to add a couple things, so I'll let you know when to start checking your box. :)

I also need to write my brother - haven't done it in wayyy too long. I talked to him on the phone today though. He's doing as good as he can. Has a job, and works a few hours a day. He seems okay, but I can't ever be sure.

I want to see Alicia again!! I will see her on her wedding day, I guess. Well, the day before. I asked for those days off, so they better give them to me! Either way, I will be there. I'm excited!! I need my purple shoes though. :) Cannn't wait!!
Leesh - Make sure you call me when you get your dress, or text me. Either one! :D

So yep.
Christmas break's been good so far all-in-all.

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:: 2009 1 December :: 8.07pm

I paid some of my credit card. It's down from where it was. Makes me less stressed. I'm liking it.

Though.. I am officially broke. Like, completely. Until this coming Monday.

I hung out with Alicia. Just got back like.. 20 minutes ago. I got my bridesmaid dress for her upcoming wedding. Exciiiiting!! It's cute, and it was only 15 bucks! Can't beat it. :) Now, hopefully her sista likes it 'cause we bought her one without her there. Haha.

Anyway, school sucks. I only have 3 more days. Well, about 3ish. I finished my 11 page paper. That sucked majorrrrly. But - that's the end of the class. I sell my books back next week, and I hope to god I get a decent buy-back. Sometimes they're crappy and I don't get anything. One can only wait..

So. Yep. I cashiered at my job a couple days ago. Time went by way faster than the deli. It was a good change, but I hate being in charge of money. Not that I make huge mistakes, just makes me nervous a little. But yeah, it was nice. Lots of different people; some nice, some decent. You know, the usual with customers.

Money sucks. I just wish the world didn't have to revolve around it. I know that's far-fetched, but it would be magical, wouldn't it?
No matter what or who you are, money is an object and it's beginning to get more and more relevant to me. Not that I was naieve to it before, but it's way too real now.

Maybe that, or I'm just dutch.

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:: 2009 25 November :: 12.50pm
:: Music: Akon & Pitbull - shut down

Sigh.
So, I can't decide if I'm relieved or stressed at this point.
I'm just hanging out before I have to go to work at 2. I close tonight.. annnd as usual, I don't want to. I just feel that 8 hours is much too long to stand at the deli counter. I've heard we're going to be ridiculously busy though, with people picking up their meals and turkeys for tomorrow.

I'm going to see my grandma tomorrow for Turkey day. I think it's at three, and I'm so glad I got most of my paper(s) done last night. It sucked, but at least I have the drafts.

I went Christmas shopping on Monday and finished up shopping for my mom and my grandma. I just have to get a few more things for my dad, and for Leesh, Shane, annnd.. I actually just need to write this all down so I know exactly what to buy and what I can spend. Saving that task for later this weekend.

I guess my mom is getting the house she wants (not the one previously talked about), and we're getting that 8,000 dollar tax credit. But, is this just me, or is it only fair to split that money in half? Maybe I'm loosing my mind, but I just think that I deserve a little bit more than I'll be getting. I guess I should be glad to get any at all. It's a nice house from pictures I've seen, and I get to walk through it on Friday. It has 5 bedrooms, and apparently my soon-to-be room has a bathroom off of it. Sounds nice enough if it all actually happens.

I want to hang out with Leesh super-bad. It's been too long.. again. As always. I wish I lived closer.. as always. I dunno, we'll figure something out as we always do. **Maybe for your last christmas present, Leesh, we can go shopping and YOU can pick it out. I'm having a tough time picking something out for you. I think going together would be better. Soo, I will plan on that. Maybe hit up Target, etc.

In other news, I love chocolate milk. And hot chocolate. I'm at a cup a day. I'm getting fat. It's not good. The gym's not been able to fit into my schedule lately, even though I'd like to go more than I have been. Ohh well. Shit happens.

In conclusion to this post, I just want to extend hope to the coming year. I really really completely honestly hope that 2010 has something better than 2009 had.

If it doesn't, I don't know what I'll do. I don't think I'm the only one in saying this year sorta kinda sucked.
A lot.