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2004 5 February :: 5.38 pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
wow <33333
I am soo happy. I believe the ferris wheel of fate has made a swift turn up. Today has been nothing less than amazing. And i really want to thank all of my friends who have really been there for me and i love you guys so much. I seriously am so full of love. I'm about to cry. I'm so shocked and happy and all emotions because this is soooo immense. I can't even think right now. amazing<33333
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2004 2 February :: 9.43 pm
i've been falling like the ran
unfortunately, tragedies happen in life, many of them beyond our control. Recently, i've been thinking a lot about when it is going to happen to me and to be honest, i'm terrified. However, sara and i have decided, that we should live, truly live, for all of these people, because they didn't have the chance to themselves. Think about how many people out there who want to live; think about how precious life is. It is your most valuable possession and you have no garuntees on whether it will be stolen from you or not. Not to say that you shouldn't take chances. On the contrary, do and do so often. Live; take in each breath fully. Don't ever have any regrets. Life, for sure, is to short to waste on trivialities. Just get off the computer and fucking go make your mark in this world.
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2004 27 January :: 6.31 am
last night i had another anxiety attack. I was going to write about it in here, but woohu sucks to my assmar. Basically i don't know what the fuck im doing any more. I don't want to exist. I have no green light. I have nothing.
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2004 12 January :: 6.01 am
:: Mood: content
I don't feel like leaving the last entry as the first entry people see when they get to my journal. Basically, I am content.. or at least last night i was. I'm glad that i have music to escape to. This weekend was pretty decent, starting saturday. There should be more like it. woo school.errr. im hoping this week will be good.. if sunday night is any measure of it then it will be great.
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2004 6 January :: 9.28 pm
:: Mood: eh
:: Music: our lady peace
Jason is one of my favorite people.. ever.
Me: well i learned yesterday and today that i am in general a flawed person .. according to a few.. and that i will never had a real relationship in my life because i am flawed and i thought that sucked pretty much
jason: omg, you know what? forget them, you dont need them
Jason: dotn let them bother you, YOU ARE NOT FLAWED
Jason: trust me
Me: but i am!! i mean its obvious .. its like some sort of personality defect.. accoridng to others.. because i can get really nervous about things and apparantly thats not normal and blah etc
Jason: everybody gets nervous, i get nervous allthe time, like, people do alot, its not a personality defect, if it wasnt for people getting nervous, what would be so great about performing or giving a speech? whats good about those kind of things is it gives people ways to overcome their nervousness
Jason: like, everyone gets nervous
Me: exactly.. but apparantly it is a problem
Jason: its not, people who happen to think that it is a defect are wrong, flat out wrong, dont listen to them
Me: i would not listen to them usually but i think it just explains a lot i mean like why things are the way they are you know
Jason: things are the way they are because they are, not you. Trust me, you are a very good, special person. Who are they? Its their fault for making you feel this way and they should be ashamed of themselves. Dont ever think you are the problem or that being nervous is a problem
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2004 5 January :: 11.13 pm
:: Mood: okay
"it's good to be young" - me to allison. (old man days)
Well, i figure that if the only thing wrong with someone ( who is really cool) is that she gets nervous, sometimes, about things, well i figure that person is pretty lucky
So if they are any guys out there who can deal with a girl who is "cool, pretty, sweet, smart, beautiful laidback" but can get nervous.. well leave a comment eh?
pfft im not worried. Definately have my options open now.
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2004 5 January :: 12.30 am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: REM/ radiohead
I want you to notice when im not around; you're so fucking special. I wish i was special
I want to give up because i fucking ruin everything just by being myself. I am foolish. He doesnt like me and i'm just going to get hurt. I AM hurt. I really should just give up. I'm exhausted.
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2004 2 January :: 12.10 am
:: Mood: foolish
I believe that lovers should be chained together, thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
How could i actually believe he liked me? fuck me and my naivete. I will continue to be alone. yeahhhh go me for being so fucking unworthy
uhh this is totally unrelated but thank god Sara is home.
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2004 1 January :: 1.32 am
:: Mood: amused
GAH!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't think.. i've ever made as big of a fool of myself as i did tonight. wow. If i was someone else i would laugh at me hysterically. My life is seriously a fucking sitcom. I decided i also have a phobia of kissing. Oh man am i destined to be alone.. ha. im pretty much speechless though. I think im going to stay home for awhile and read ishmael. yeahhhh this year is going to be interesting...
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2003 31 December :: 4.46 pm
:: Mood: okay
We say, "How long can we take this chance not to celebrate?"
This year has been so fucking strange..
I was going to do a year end review. but eh. fuck it. I'll list the important happenings.
major events
1. Teen Cabaret performance
2. Casey + Stacey
3. Met Ryan H.
4. Mikey + Dana
5. Local shows
6. Sara and my sloowww conquest of the world.
7. Saint Patricks day party at paiges= jason
8. warped tour and buzz bake sale
9. My birthday surprise
10. meeting the boys <3
11. becoming best friends with ryan
12. Ryan + dana
13. meeting karl
14. Jew class over the summer
15. cold stones
16. Meeting the S.S.C
17. Meeting Cari
18. ending war with Mike King
19. Trivial pursuit match.. ha not really
20. becoming friends with Erika!
21. asking steven on a date.. oy
22. telling jason i liked him.. oy again
23. getting a new guitar teacher
24. getting a bit more style
25. being number 10.
26. painting gnomes
27. getting my lovely electric. sheena.
28. becoming friends with Neil
29. fun car washing party<3
... blah help me out with more events here... yeahhhh comment now because i think more things happened... yeah i think so. leave Trallions of comments if necessary. mrm
As we kiss hard on the lips
and swear this year
will be better then the last
Fuck lost bets. Damn ping pong.
anywayyys
Resolutions
1. practice guitar ( a lot) more
2. be more confident
3. eat healthy
4. be stylish.. more so
5. be honest and a good person
6. write songs.. get together the band and practice
7. throw caution into the wind!
8. be more organized
9. try to make burkus a common saying
10. stand up straight
11. try to be more laid back
12. be content
13. make new friends
14. kiss someone dammit
15. learn how to drive
wow thats way too many.. i had some good ones but i forgot many of them. i really hope tonight is fun. i think it will be. yay ryans house. eh this entry sucks. oooh the suckiness. yeahhhhh!!!!
[Ten seconds left
until midnight
nine chances to drown ourselves
in black hair dye
eight faces turned away
from the shock
seven windows and six of them
were locked
five stories falling
forever and ever
three cheers to the mirror
now there are two of us
can we have one last dance? ]
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2003 29 December :: 1.51 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: eve 6
To live would be an awfully big adventure
the kind of person i want to be: kind, intelligent, happy, laid back, loyal, friendly, sweet, insightful, understanding, stable, wonderful, interesting, unique, cool, happy, inviting, warm, infectious, likeable, courageous, nonchalant, caring, loving, touchy, tender, fashionable, capable, knowledgable, musical, talented, artistic, creative, silly, funny, fun, exciting, spontaneous, well-read, scholarly. empathetic, optimistic, learned, trendsetting, alternative.. [if i think of anything i will add more]
i am trying to shape the future me so that i can be happy or something like that.
things i want to do before i die
1. love and be loved
2. kiss said person who i love and loves me
3. have sex
4. learn how to drive
5. learn how to bikeride
6. learn how to iceskate
7. write a real song
8. write a real poem
9 paint something beautiful
10. change someone's life for the better
11. live in england
12. visit 6 continents (minus antarctica)
13. be told i am incredible, beautiful, irresistable, ravishing and or stunning and have the person mean it
14. Try to make a buchingham palace gaurd laugh
15. have a messy burn down the house relationship
16. get a record deal
17. perform in a nightclub
18. do real karaoke
19. strip (<-- ha)
20. design and create my own outfit
21. learn to dance
22. visit the peter pan fountain in england
23. Visit the louvre (spelling?!?!)
24. Write a book.. preferably fictional
25. be a model in some type of ad
26. be on tv
27. be in a movie.. even as an extra
28. date an rockstar
29. perform at rock the river or something to that extent
30. Win a talent show
31. receive blood red roses
32. graduate highschool
33. go to UF
34. Live in California
35. Visit Boston
36. Learn to play guitar.. better
37. Learn to play harp
38. be on oprah.. or another talk show
39. exercise regularly
40. live in an apartment with one of my best friends
41. shopping spree
42. have my fortune read
43. cut my hair short with side swept bangs
44. get a tattoo
45. motivate someone
46. get married
47. get a job
48. buy a nice house
49. steal a lawn gnome
50. make a television show for cable access tv
51. party like it's 1999
52. run a mile in under 6-7 minutes
53. do a marathon
54. give blood
55. make a difference
56. get rid of my acne
57. do a road trip
58. visit civil war sites and collect stuff
59. parasail
60. kiss someone in the rain
61. stay all night on the beach from sunset to sunrise
62. "try an unusual fruit drink" haa not really
63. ask someone out and have it work
64. have a good day
65. learn to hustle
66. sing at a wedding
67. be a maid of honor
68. say something memorable
69. learn how to be a photographer
70. learn another language.. ex. hebrew
71. visit israel
72. Learn as much as i can
73. love as much as i can
74. be happy
... im sure there is more.. but this is good for now. yeahhhh this is me being hopeful
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2003 22 December :: 1.02 pm
:: Mood: disturbed
i am definately getting myself into a pickle... yes a pickle. the end
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2003 8 December :: 4.52 pm
:: Mood: quixotic
:: Music: something corporate
Brad has walked in the rain on a number of occasions. "Fuck umbrellas," he says. "My life is cold and damp, regardless."
For someone so messed up i really only want one simple thing. I want love, or something like it. yeah, maybe highschool love is crap, but they seem so happy. Sometimes i see people and when they look at eachother, well it is enough to make a bitter loser like myself feel happy for them. Yeah sometimes i feel. I just want someone to look at me like that.
bah this will definately be continued when i get back from jamba juice
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2003 30 November :: 7.20 pm
you see.. I'd like to rot in hell, but i don't believe in it. funny.
funny also, how im blamed entirely for things that aren't soley my fault.
my weekend has gone down the tubes fast, but i really shouldn't have expected any differently. that is my life as we know it. i'm back where i started alone and depressed. eh nothing to do about it. so eh.
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2003 29 November :: 5.45 pm
What was that????!!!
ps. someone has a crush on me. oh the funniness <3
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