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Who's to say that dreamings not allowed

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:: 2010 20 July :: 9.45 pm

It's my fuckin birthday tomorrow-- so fuck yall. 23 is going to be glamourous and dirty and bursting with wonderful things and I won't even be able to handle it sometimes, but then I will be able to handle it! I AM READY (for my close-up).

I need to buy something frivolous for myself tomorrow and I have no idea what I want...

:: 2010 4 April :: 10.59 am

I don't know if I have enough self confidence to fight and say "This is something special" or to just let it go.

(such a confused bee right now...)

:: 2010 17 March :: 1.33 pm
:: Mood: enthralled
:: Music: JAYMAY PANDORA

Baby, you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
I am going to write about this and then I am going to forget about it. I know I am a romantic.. I know I have crushes (interjection: this is already turning for the worse...I guess it takes less than 24 hours for my brain to transform events) silly little crushes. I think I can tell the difference between a small crush and something that could be more serious? I look at my last post and I want to hit my head against my hand. But I will say this.. I did think that me and him could have had a nice thing but hey it didn't work out.. I definitely didn't think we had a CONNECTION. I think you meet a few people in your life who you basically collide into. I didn't think he was one of those people. I thought he was nice and nice to be with and sometimes you just want to be soothed for awhile. But he wasn't a fit. In the mean time .. I think I found a fit. I don't know if he is a perfect fit- but he is someone that I think I could have a future with. I might have a lot of crushes, but I don't think that about most people have long term potential. not LONG term potential. Sometimes I give people a year-- I give him years. I don't know if this is what I meant to write when I started this post. Whenever I am with him.. I am just so happy-- like giddy mush. We aren't even dating. I just take every opportunity to spend time with him. He is just so fucking cool and smart and talented and funny and a pleasure to be around. He cleans the dishes. I am glad that we are just friends now.. I want to get to know him before (/if...) it gets all complicated. I truly genuinely enjoy spending time with him. He has interesting things to say and he listens. I am just so happy to find another person in connecticut I really enjoy. SO I guess what I am saying is-- whatever happens... I am happy. As long as I get to spend time with him.. which I undoubtedly do because 1. we basically have to hang out once a week due to the band 2. we have exploring plans 3. "There are no negative feelings... quite the opposite really.. I have much affection for you" . Most importantly.. I can be myself around him. I just know my whole life has changed course. I know it is hard to believe in fate and grand things, but I just... feel this is right and it has been a long time since I have had that feeling. I will try not to project. I will try to be happy with what I have. I will try to not think about it for a couple of weeks.

:: 2010 22 February :: 1.43 pm

You can call me darling
I have to write about this. I am sort of seeing someone. SORTOF. I mean it has only been two dates--- sooo it doesn't really count yet. We had a really nice date last night. We painted, drank wine, listened to music, went out for dessert. Definitely my kind of date. I think it takes me a day to process everything because now I am sort of smitten. I mean not that I wasn't before. He is just so nice and he is smart and he is funny. He also climbs mountains and yeahhhh. He is also not a vegetarian. He meditates. He super wonderfulwonderful. I think this could turn into something. I don't know though. I don't know. He reminds me of Vincent, but only because they are both engineers. I don't know how this is going to turn out AT ALL. After each date I am like.. I was sort of psychotic. I mean.. all based around my fears of intimacy (let's be real here). I run out of cars and internally freak out. He is just sooo comforting. Why do I need that so badly?

All jumbles. EEE I can't even work.

:: 2010 30 January :: 7.18 pm

You know, I always write about you
But this might be the last time. You see, I had this dream. It felt like closure. I just kept thinking "I don't want to be doing this anymore." I just have to pretend for your sake (mostly my sake). It's gotten so old. stale. I've just been going through the motions because it is easy and comforting. But every time I think about it, I think that I couldn't care less. Maybe I could care a little less, but that happens slowly every day. You were lying in my bed and kissing me and I just thought "this is bad. (your lips are too small) I wish I wasn't doing this right now, but I'll go through the motions for everyone's sake." We just don't fit anymore. Some things (people) just don't fit. I wasn't willing to saw off an arm or two, although, I threatened to. I guess I am done living out this 5 year fantasy (coma). Time to wake up now. Alone.

:: 2009 11 December :: 3.54 pm

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
remember?

Just in case you forgot. I have not. Although, I try to most of the time. I keep it a secret, just a small secret. I know that it has to stay that way. A million reasons, including, but not limited to: misogyny, your brother, the awfulness of everything, my new haircut. I know. But just for the record, it's there.

Miss you, but you know how it is.

:: 2009 1 December :: 3.46 pm

Jeph,

I'm itching to travel. Normally, I would invite you, but I really can't do that anymore.

:: 2009 24 September :: 10.38 am

I've got to get my shit together-- I really do. I am pretty sure I have the flu. It hurts. I have to figure out what I am doing. Am I applying to Phd programs? If so, I really need to get on it. I need to get my letters out. I need to write my personal statement. It would just be so much easier to apply to masters programs. It would be so much easier to do a lot of things. Isn't it so easy? I want to get away from all of this pressure in and outside my head. I want to float around. I want there to be pink bubbles everywhere. I want to meet someone new and I want it to be lovely. I am deliciously numb and deliciously not numb. My stomach feels weird. My life feels weird. I don't want to feel like I am wasting this year. I don't want to feel like I am always second best-- the other woman. What qualities in me make me such a good "other woman"? I am disintegrating. Can't I just skip to the good part?

:: 2009 22 September :: 11.31 am
:: Music: Say Hi- Maurine

I can't come to your party cause I think that I'm dead
I update this so infrequently that no one would know what happened with that date. I was wrong about him. He has no idea what he wants (well.. he can not have what he wants). After a month of dating, we broke it off because I couldn't handle the truth of it all. I feel like I am finally getting to know him, though. He is finally being honest with me. I don't know if us being friends is such a good idea. We aren't really conventionally friends. Considering.. that the first time we hung out since the break up I slept over and he kept almost kissing me and then realizing that we are just friends. I was just watching it all happen. He is so happy we are friends now and that we can talk about things, but if that means a. we will have all this sexual/ romantic tension and b. that he will hit on girls in front of me and c. I get none of the perks of dating him and d. he is way more of a douchebag now because he is "not trying to get in my pants anymore" well.. I don't know. But I am already invested-- I guess I actually care about him. He is in pain right now and I care and want to be there for him. I know I am a good friend and I know that (knowing what I know) that we can never be SERIOUS (nor do I really want to be.. considering.. I'm sick of it all), but I can't help but want him to hold me. sigh. I don't really know what was resolved. I think he and I will just get more confused. Especially now that him and the ex are done forever. I also hate that I let him go, but then REALLY he let me go. I don't know why I am sticking around. I just don't feel done with it yet. Soon.

:: 2009 13 August :: 12.53 pm

I don't think I am ready for my date tonight. First of all, my stomach is all gurgly (nerves, caffeine.. who knows?) Secondly, I almost started crying while watching an episode of Greek. Yes, I must admit (begrudgingly) that I have gotten attached to the love stories and relationships. The whole time I have been watching-- I have been rooting for this one couple- (not together, but had a history). But, I watched this episode (episode 15, season 1) and it showed a flashback of their freshman year and he was just unreliable, immature, and heartbreaking (simply). I just saw her waiting for him to pick her up (as though it had happened a thousand times) and I almost cried. She must be a really good actress because the look on her face-- I have felt that. Is it weird to completely relate to a television show? All I know is how that feels like. And I know what it feels like to finally make a choice to stop loving people like that. I understood the line "sometimes you outgrow the people you love". And all the fourteen episodes before that made so much sense-- as to why she was dating this other guy (because he treated her so much better)-- it just makes so much sense! Even though it hurts-- sometimes you have to let go and do what is best for you. And what is best for me is to date people who know what they want. I am ready to stop chasing fantasies, phantasms. It is really scary to grow up, but all of this had to happen. I don't want to feel that feeling anymore. It is really one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. How can I describe it-- it is like abandonment mixed with anxiety mixed with the feeling that someone punched you in the heart and mixed with an "of course, I knew this would happen." It completely warps your sense of trust and self esteem (and reality for that matter). And so, maybe I am ending this email on a different note? Maybe this date is a good thing? I am just REALLY nervous. I just really want to like him-- I mean I do like him (in this sort of vague way you like people who you think are funny and intelligent). I just hope I am attracted to him. Ugh, my stomach hurts AND it is sort of raining out. My walking plans are sort of foiled. I am so scared--- I want to curl up and hide.
Well I just have to keep thinking about what Sara told me last night "you are perfect; if he doesn't see that then you shouldn't be with him." Apparently, her whole family thinks I am perfect. Not true, but comforting.
Oh, I drove on like 3 highways today.
Cheers

:: 2009 12 July :: 6.34 pm

I hope you'll still let me kiss you
I don't know. I guess I should write about this thing. I know I keep talking about it. I'm actually just trying to kill some time right now. I wonder if this is going to turn into anything. I mean I do think I like him. It is just a little more complicated than uncomplicated. I mean he is sort of with someone and I don't know what he wants from me. I hope something more than a hook up-- because that aint going to happen anyway. We are going to see fireworks tonight-- me and his friends... not really a date so much? I just don't know what to make of all this. A part of me is sort of indifferent.. the relationshipphope part... but a part of me is really excited and scared. I think this could be something really great-- maybe.

:: 2009 21 May :: 2.14 am

I remember why I had a falling out with E, but it was really nice to forget all that and just be friends again. Now I remember why we got along so well. Sometimes, I really need to stop trying to control situations and be happy for what they are. I am working on that. It is just better if I hide all this stuff from my more judgmental feminist friends. ....
yeah, it was nice. I am sad we missed out on each other for a year, but I think we both realize we enjoy each others company. So "feud" over. I am doing this a lot lately.. it feels good.
( I mean what can I say about the fact that I am pretty sure we are still both attracted to each other? eh)
nice night overall. I shouldn't listen to other people's advice.

:: 2009 24 February :: 9.48 pm

Maybe when I die-- I'll get to be a car
Who cares if I am young and stupid-- at least I can pretend that I am getting what I want.

He is the only person who makes me feel like I am human --- and through all this pride and hatred and sadness-- that is all that really matters, that I can finally hear my heart beating again.

:: 2009 21 February :: 6.37 pm

A conversation/ monologue that should be, but won't be
It's not that I was mad-- though I was-- can't deny that-- It's just that I can't do this anymore. Stop making me do this. THIS is stupid. That's what I meant. This is just so pointless-ly stupidly horrible. "Loving you is like loving suicide-- no I don't think that will stop me. Yeah I know this must be shitty for you, well yeah it's shitty for me too" Why did you do this? Why do you do this?
I don't want to be back here. I am fine without it. It is like I carry around this brick (or CROSS) on my back and it sucks and it is heavy, but it is fine. Stop adding to the weight. I just might collapse. Why did I do this to myself?
I knew I had to end the cycle- but it never ENDS! I tried.. I did .. I thought I made it clear. And now I am back here
FUCKKKKKKK

:: 2009 16 January :: 3.58 pm

Wow.. he realllllly moved on. (not about vincent). Geez. I have been single for the past 2 years and he goes and gets himself 2 girlfriends in that time if not more! wow. I really was one of many. Is that closure? damn. I feel somehow deluded. Like he meant more to me? I don't know really. I think I am a glutton for punishment.

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