Who's to say that dreamings not allowed

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Who's to say that dreamings not allowed

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:: 2003 17 April :: 2.00am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday- You know how I do

Streets of where I'm from
Collectively I've been in a good mood lately, just taking a lighter aproach to things I suppose. So last night I finished reading Perks of Wallflower (amazing, simply amazing) and immediatly I thought of calling Leeat ( my life long friend, known since I was 2, back in New Jersey), never got around to it but she gave me a call today which I thought was so ironic, we see each other about twice a year and barely talk but always seem to have a connection no matter what. I figure thats what true friends really are, when you won't see them for awhile yet pick up right where you left off, its wonderful cause generally I'm not like that with most people. Anyway, I just thought it was funny, its like wow we literally grew up together and even with me moving we have so much in common and I'm so happy for her. Kally, my other lifelong friend ( 3 of us have been friends since we were very young) just moved away so I thought she'd be having a hard time, yet shes getting along great, seemingly finding her place among things. I just couldn't get over how much we have in common, still, and how we've really grown to be so alike. She's getting into some bad stuff but shes a smart girl, hopefully she'll handle it. But I'm liberal in many senses, I guess if you keep things in moderation then its only balanced out, and if shes happy I think thats all that matters. I don't know it just made me miss New Jersey, and only a month or two till I get to go back whoo. Man summer is so soon and I have a feeling about this one, they say summer is when anything can happen, I might learn a lesson or two in making things happen. Recently I found out I'm going to Italy as well, so that'll put a new spin on things. Man I just need to see new worlds if you know what I'm saying, I think everyone does, this will just be a window of oppurtunity. I need to get out of this worrying about my grades and how low they are this quater, no joke I feel as if they are dropping and dropping and I have no control over it, but screw it I can make up for it. I need to go back in time, to the "ballpark" days, I think different places really do feel different, and Edgewater is just a totally different world from Boca, and its almost as they are completely different people cause no one is really that rich, everyone just does what they can to entertain themselves, its very nice. Lol, Leeat said she wanted to start putting together zines so I'm going to help her out with that hehe, hmm I miss my home :(.

:: 2003 13 April :: 9.58pm
:: Mood: very nice
:: Music: Sting- Message in a bottle

I'm funkin' out in every way
Well apropriate for today, and I would like to second Sarah's notion, today was great I've been in a real slump and yall just make me feel so much better. I love you guys and I really wish we went to the same school cause you all are awesome people and a total trip to be around (???) I love you guys so much. And to Sarah, talking about it made me feel so much better, assuring and everything an I would like to thankyou for that, I don't know what I would do without you. Perks of Being a Wallflower is amazing, this will need to be read 3 or 4 times over. well.. <333.

:: 2003 11 April :: 7.46pm
:: Mood: ehh

But who hasn't been there before?
So I sat down and played something just off the top of my head, and man it sounded so sad. I figure something must really be wrong and it runs deeper than I expect because I just started tearing, not balling like you do when stupid things go wrong, just tearing. Its like man where did that come from, and then I remembered it was me. I can think of many things in my life that are less than satisfactory to me, but I never thought it would bring me so low, to playing something like that. Its like all the good times sunk in I remebered here I am, in an awful period of my life. And who knows why, its just an awkward year I suppose. Everything is an instability and thats always a problem, deep down I can't count on anything, and I'm not putting so much worth and confidence into counting of myself either. I'm told I'm good at giving advice, too bad I don't listen to it, who'd have thought I'd be the one to need the most help. And help yes thats what I need.

:: 2003 10 April :: 5.45pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: Hot Rod Circuit- Cool for one night

I could tell from the minute I woke up it was going to be a lonely, lonely day
Unforgettable and unfolding, the truth comes out and I'm shaking Don't do this now, cry tears of beauty and skip the stones off the sunset. And if you think your alone, and all the reasons and the seasons have chilled you to the core, if you think your sad and if you sit still for hours on end, make it be the last time, make your song last, just till midnight, and maybe I'll last a minute longer. If you think you cry out of the pain that thousands of the abused could have never submersed their minds, your wrong. At least you have someone to love you, why did I have to know how much someone could love you. And the world will spin around you, and I'll pull through this one without you.

:: 2003 7 April :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: Led Zepplin- Tangerine

Livin' in the reflections from a dream
For the record,
Your eyes are iridescent

:: 2003 6 April :: 12.59pm
:: Mood: bad
:: Music: Ataris- Road Signs and Rock Songs

"Run for your life" she whispered
Well...here goes. I've just been thinking this whole weekend of how pathetic I really am, I mean honestly, everything is a breakdown, the norm is just a myraid of bad days where I can't wait to get home to do what? Nothing at all. And maybe on those off days I will feel alright. But its going to turn around, I can't wait any longer something has to happen now cause the empty hours are just ticking by . I'm changing and I won't look back, I won't hesitate cause thats all I ever do.. hesitate, Even in the face of something I want, I figure well I'll just go back to wanting it because its comforting in some ways, just that nothing ever goes right it provides some kind of shelter. Screw shelter and bring on the lighting, I've changed course cause I'm getting nowhere at all. I'm different and I refuse to let it all wash away, and I don't need anyone at all. I'm going to concentrate on my music and writing as much of it as I can, cause its all in my head I'm just to lazy to get it down. Well, yea sorry, the key is to be asthetic and recognize the beauty of every passing day, we all walk around with our hands over our eyes because we are scared, what you want is most likely found in places you've never thought to look.

Be young, think smart, stay true and just follow your heart - Ataris

:: 2003 5 April :: 1.14am
:: Mood: wow
:: Music: Alkaline Trio- Fuck you Aurora

You never had no say it's true
Well all I can say is thankyou, for what I don't know. I think for trusting me, tonight brought us closer, thankyou for throwing that opportunity out there. Thankyou for thinking I would understand. You rock.

:: 2003 2 April :: 8.46pm
:: Mood: content

You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

nice... but where are all the boys?

:: 2003 1 April :: 10.47pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: Don't Look Down- Get it right

Then you crossed the line between here and out of this world
Well, writing this because I thought it was worth something. Basically this is what I think, you'll dream you dreams and long for the day they become true but the moment they become a reality, everything changes. Not in most cases but in a good amount, you'll dream the dream but thats it, it is a dream, it is flawless and void of impunities. Even the knowledge of bad factors somehow mixes together into this wonderful vision that you've hypnotized yourself with. But when it comes down to it, I figured with at least me that in reality there is always a dark side of the moon. Theres always the bad that was never suspected in your many fantasies of a certain person or occurance, what it could do to you, what it couldn't do to you. So whats better a dream or an ordinary reality, and what if one turns into the other? I guess my mind is playing tricks on me, I mean right now theres a possibility that I have my chance and all I need to do is go for it, I have the oppurtunity to achieve something great but the worst thing is I don't want it, not right now, I really am not willing and if I'm not willing whats the point in trying? All I know is that I have the chance and I don't know what I'm going to do, I mean it would have good outcomes but thats not sure and this particular thing is so tiring really, mentally as well as physically. I just want to be happy next year I just want to be stress free, I prefer not to isolate myself for a whole half a year and blah I'm so jumbled up. and people say take your chances you always should, but maybe that was the past, maybe I would have done it then but not now. Now I'm different, now I want different things and my priorities have changed. I guess you could say I'm not so young and naive but maybe that was a good thing. Although I wouldn't necessarily call it a full view of the horizon, I do have a broader perspective, and well shall I say its screwing me up for the most part, or maybe not I guess time will play out. My mom tells me I worry about the things to come way to much and I don't worry about whats happening right now. Damn straight. What if I felt like I really didn't get to live this year the way I intended too, and I need a change. Hmm, decisions are the worst.

P.S. I guess theres a loop-hole to my dark side of the moon theory, because in everyone's life there is one sun, that continues to give its light, limitless to anyside. Hmm be the sun in my sky. Maybe I should stop saying maybe...its a terrible word.
Happy Bat Mitzvah anniversary to me.

:: 2003 30 March :: 10.33pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Matt Skiba- Next to you, the acoustics, you know how it is :)

I've got a house in Raleigh, a cottage in Myrtle Beach, and a little hideaway inside a visionary's head
Hmm yea.. I will obsessively quote my book for weeks on end. Its just when things are said, that I think are brillant, I can't only give them a once over, I must write it everywhere. O wow you know I love it when this happens cause its rare, for the scare periods in which I am reading a book and really into it I live by it, as long as its influence is strong on me. A few months ago was Catcher in the Rye, and before that..well it was probably Harry Potter..lol. I figure as an addition to being a freak I enjoy "experiencing" the things that people have to say. I definatly want to do something that includes writing later on in life, I believe at least ,its one of the most meaningful/ real things one can do. Write from their heart, or whatever it is they write from. I hold writers in great esteem. One of those " The only true currency in this bankrupt world..." type of things. I was thinking how I'd love to write for some type of magazine, an artistic one, quite possibly a music one but not Rolling Stone, well maybe. Willam from Almost Famous is my idol, I will be the real life him... o yea. Anyway another week to get through, this time sucks when the end is near. Its almost as if your swimming to the surface, gasping for air underwater until you reach the top, to over dramatize things. I don't feel like working anymore althouh I need to , to salvage what I can out of this screwy year. Blah, I always say next year will be better, hopefully, I have hard ass classes next year but I think I'll enjoy my freedoms come next year and that makes a world of difference. Man can't wait till warped tour that day on will be well...much better. Goodnight.

"Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit? These are questions for insecure potheads. A speed enthusiast knows that everything he says or does is brillant"

:: 2003 29 March :: 11.33pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday- Eleven

Ions might charge the air, but they fell flat when it came to charging the imagination- my imagination, anyway.
Lately it seems like nothing is new, nothing is astonishing and things are only aging, getting duller, I hate it when this happens. And to think, its spring and things are suppose to bloom, not in the real word I suppose. Today I picked up two books, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and Me Talk Pretty One Day.I started reading me talk pretty, and as with most good books, instantly fell in love. I just really like it when I have things in common with the main character, kind of like the same internal struggles, its nice and it helps me out I think. Well I guess I had a slight epiphany today, but not enough to get me excited. I guess in the immortal words of taking Back sunday, " I never said I'd take this lying down", I can't take this lying down, anymore, all this crap I build up in my head I figure I can do so much better than this. Make the most of the time given to you, gd knows I'll try. And maybe, just maybe, I can let go all of my stupid little fabricated perceptions and smile, just once, a smile of yea.. your alright, I really do see you, to anybody for that matter. Its kind of like I play this little pointless game, that I don't mean to play it just happens that way, I'm so warped.I think alot of people are alright I guess I have trouble grasping that maybe my opinion would matter. I mean when I first started talking to Mike, I'd babble on about things and then he gave me a wake-up call, like a real wake-up call that I've forgetten for awhile. Well, about that my opinions mattered to him. That shocked me, cause I always kind of thought I was crazy, and overly opinionated. You know sometimes I forget how weird it is that me and him are friends, you know when you see someone for the first time and you'd never suspect.. a year later, that you'd ever have some sort of friendship? I guess its weird and maybe I should disreguard age because hes in college, and I can relate/ get along with him surprisingly well. I guess you have to get past what you think of people and actually get to know them.So I guess, I'll smile, a smile of acknowledgment I suppose cause I expect nothing at all, because if I don't now then I may never get to, I'll stop thinking that maybe things will fall into my lap and if they don't forget it, theres always an in between, most always. Ugh this book is damn good, read it everyone. I also think I need some more yes in my life, more yes to everything for the hell of the experience more yes people, I consider myself a yes person I think for the most part, hmm yes what a concept. Maybe I'd write that everywhere with my permanent marker, actually I think I'll tatoo it... on my face. Alright sorry deliriousness is sinking in and well it can be quite funny at times. One last thing, I was forced to have dinner with these people tonight, and lets just say I'm glad my parents raised me the way they did, even if they didn't mean it to happen I think they did a good job. No praise myself to or anything, I just am glad that I can be so opinionated. Thats why the father hates me and is secretly conspiring my ruination( haha a little paranoid?) cause my parents let me think, and he doesn't let his kids think. He also tried to convince my parents on why to not get me a car, haha I was just laughing my suspicions were confirmed. well enough rambling I'm just overly bored and tired and bye. <3

" The experience of watching was ruined, time and time again, by an interminable explanation of how things were put together".

:: 2003 28 March :: 4.16pm
:: Mood: indifferent
:: Music: Ben Kweller- In other words

The butterflys are passive aggressive and put their problems on the shelf, but they're beautiful.
And the possibilities are endless so they say, and the dreams they have no end so they say, and the nightmares have no end so I say. What happens if you want to go everywhere, and end up drowning in your footsteps. And the steps to climb , why are they starting to appear so high, what if I don't have the energy to do this. What I really need right now is an endless summer, on a beach where everything is a sunrise, everynight the stars would keep me company, and the ocean would be my resting place. Where a life isn't measured by acomplishments, by medals and plaques on the wall, not by money, but by the blinding light in your eyes. I feel dead, like a room with a broken light, and I regret thinking that someone like you could turn me back on ( haha). Well, if I had to speak some last words I'd call you beautiful cause I think you haven't been told it enough, and to think of all the people that can solve problems. I'm not an answer though, let alone an approximation, not even close and I'm sorry. If I was someone different everything would be okay, I guess all I am is one, and thats never enough. I read something today about people being beautiful when they are depressed, I guess cause when your happy your not in tune with you thoughts and emotions as much, just the outside world, when your depressed your very lost in your own thoughts and within yourself, I guess it sparks creativity but it makes me wonder, thats all. I don't know, sorry, I guess today I woke up and didn't put myself together right, I need something stable, something strong, something that won't wear away by the end of the day. I need a permanent marker and everywhere I'd go I'd write the one word that keeps me alive..hope. On every wall, on every floor, on every ceiling and on every door. I think its what keeps us all alive. Please, one day come and knock on my door.

Well I need to leave with these words cause they are what its all about..

Another night slips away
In other words i should say
There are no words he should say
There are no words

In his eyes I see the fear
That only time could DISAPPEAR
If only time could reappear
Now's the time

The butterflys are passive aggresive and put their problems on the shelf but they�re beautiful
He�ll realize the only thing thats real are the kids that kid themselves and the demise of the beautiful
What is beautiful?

The multi-life is better than
The one we�re in the one we knew
Cause everyone is seein� through everyone

It starts stopping when it stops stopping

<3

:: 2003 25 March :: 8.25pm
:: Mood: alright
:: Music: The Used- The taste of Ink

Unpublished Affairs
So.. this is what I figure, the longest distance, ever to be known, is the distance between wanting something and actually obtaining it. The drive through heartache and tears, the long and winding road of uncertainty, where to turn next? No one knows, I don't know. And in reality, being near someone, much like a love thirsty mirage, or a hope fogged side window, things appear closer than they actually are. That beautiful shadow. And you always wonder, why me, why this body, why this mindset, WHY ME? Why doesn't it come natural, and how could this happen to me.But then, sometimes you aren't fully aware, there may be a backstreet, or maybe even a worn trail, where one runs away, everynight and can't help take their eyes off you as you sleep. I don't know everything, I don't know anything for that matter, all I know what to do right is dream a dream. Dream this dream, and don't lose hope, not all those road maps are accurate, and not everyone can map out their heart.

:: 2003 24 March :: 11.57am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Led Zepplin- Thats the way

I found myself wondering what it really all meant
Time and again I always wish that we couldn't speak. Words in many ways are unecessary and are used to lie, to mislead, to grab attention or to hurt. Think about if all we did was look at each other, think about the honesty behind stares, think about how you would know exactly how people felt by looking into their eyes. Maybe everything would be just a bit more obvious. You would just sit there in slience, but knowing it meant something, knowing theres nothing you were obligated to say, just your presence was enough fullfilment. I guess I'm just thinking what really matters, and how I don't know what it is, what is the right thing to do to say, and if thats not what you really feel then whats the point. Why shouldn't and should you say things, cause I can't bring myself to do it. Its almost as if it has to be perfect from the first moment on, otherwise you are out of luck, and they'll never know the true you, only people who look past words, past lies, past perceptions, who remove you from the world and unto a blank sheet of paper and see if it is a pretty picture.

anyway...

Well the night was good, slightly scary, it opened by me and Sarah almost getting raped by these 50 year old truckers " Do you want to talk", "NO!" o well I guess all I can do is laugh about it, I am forever scared of pickup trucks ( haha). The show was good, Protagonist was amazing, they have the energy equivalent to an atomic bomb, think I. Fallen was awesome to, and so on. I had the best fries of my life and me and Sarah tested out the sitting in one spot and never moving for the whole night thing, my butt still hurts. So yes, a happy ending to a wonderful break. I have driving lessons today, so be careful on the roads haha. <3

:: 2003 23 March :: 1.51pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: Bloodhound Gang- Fire, water, burn

Unlike planet pluto, I can see you with the naked eye
Writing again, I'm just in the mood. I've learned alot I think, that there really is a whole world out there, really so many places, so many people, so many nice people. Always do the unexpected and mix up your life a bit. The way things go down and become boring are the same routines. Be open to people, this is hard especially for me, who closes up, don't think about wether a person is above or below you just love and allow yourself to be loved, and if they don't big deal, there will always be someone more worthwhile. Watch the sunrise and sunset, it does a world of good. So anyway yea, this is defiantly a new feeling for me..just satisfaction with a situation, just happy it happened, happy I met someone like that because it just opens my eyes to all the possibilities out there. I don't think I would care if it wasn't mutual it made me feel good, about everything about myself, was nice and something new. It was just nice someone appreciating you, saying what you think makes sense, and accepting what you do and don't do, someone you can have a long ass laugh with as well as a hell of alot of fun, someone my type no joke, never met someone my type I just knew I had one, and a little badass, much intrigue. I don't think I have ever just sat somehwere sitting and just holding hands, that was the best part..yes it definatly was the best. Appreciating moments, thats what it is all about baby.

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