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2003 18 February :: 7.54pm
:: Mood: upset
:: Music: Atom and his package- Mind's playing tricks on me
Silent Dinners..suck
I think the worst part of this is having to look at myself in the mirror, I wear your face and I resent it. Thanks for chopping this in half, thanks for being a jerk, thanks for the complextion, alot of love and affection. Maybe one of these day's I'll smash my face in, poke out my eyes so I wont have to worry about looking like you. I'm sick of the silence, the horrible words, I'm sick of this house and its cold walls, I just want to leave town with someone I love, come pick me up at 8.
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2003 17 February :: 12.09am
:: Mood: dreamy
Happily deranged
Lets pause and think for a moment of what it would be like if you were someone else. Your eyes, but in someone else's world.I guess what I'm getting at is that maybe we are all a world away from each other, its just our eyes lie to us by seeing things close, but what if they really arent close. Maybe when I look at you, maybe I'm right, two separate worlds, I couldn't be more right. Thats whats so special I think sometimes, your planets assign and your eyes catch another's and there that lone connection in the vast universe of ourselves. Please lets have a connection if even a thin strand of hair, I hope its there somewhere. And we'd get lost in each others eyes trying to make that quick decision of wether to turn away or keep falling. I hope there is no rock bottom to this fall,I am actually still deciding wether to call for help. I dont like to go on assumptions but that is what I'm all about, never knowing, maybe falling hard is a bad thing, and thats how ill do it if i fall hard, I''ll decide to fall forever. Never reaching that end right? And you know what its fine, it not like I'm not used to never getting anything because well I know I don't deserve, but I'll always be here always, fall in love with me on your free days..please lol. Everyday descending more and more into another's universe, it may not be love but I'd like to think of it that way.
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2003 16 February :: 11.45pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: Polaris- Hey Sandy
The day of the dot.
Alright mission to find all the pete and pete episodes compliled together. I think we've estabished that we would have infinate appreciation for it. Im thinkign that I will try that as an outlook instead of being depressed about things, to simply make a lesson out of everything , and yes its that simple dont let your mind fool you, it really is that simple, Then I guess bad things arent so bad after all if they teach you never to do them again right? Im thinking I need it to be november, in North Carolina, i need some nice weather right now. Anyway back to pete and pete I will try to be truely young again i mean i am but I'll remind myself of how young I really still am and how much I really have to learn about everything. I dont know everything, I kind of like it that way and I like learning about things in beautiful ways weather they produce a smile or a tear its all beauty it just depends on wether you choose to recognize it as that or not. Aww love learning things, for now on I'll think of everything as a lesson its better that way, all of yall think hard about that one.
"Hey smilin' strange
You lookin' happily deranged
Can you settle to shoot me?
Or have you picked your target yet?"
hmm:)
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2003 16 February :: 9.56am
:: Mood: delighted
:: Music: Impossibles- So much
Shes back and so much better
So yes Sunday morning, I am in the best mood that I've been in for a long time and it feels grand. Well nothing overly special this weekend, just the Fallen from show last night which was great like every other show. I am in love with this lead singer from another band that played, Angels without wings, short sixteen year old boys with blue eyes and screams way too much, gotta love them. Well I'm just mellowing out for the day, good day sirs.
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2003 15 February :: 11.17am
:: Mood: nice
:: Music: New Found Glory- Better off Dead
Its ok to second guess
So, let me just say I REALLY like the old New Found Glory ( Nothing Gold can Stay, you know how it is) I prefer the old sound as opposed to the new sound, always seems to happen right?
Anyway so this morning started off like other mornings, me waking up insanely early and just moping to the computer. I went out for my run and ran to this nearby lake and just layed down and admired the world. It was nice, something I should do more often, something everyone should do more often. I guess in some ways it assures me that everything will be ok, what a beautiful day. Hopefully I'll get to the beach today haven't visited it in awhile and hopefully will see my Sarah tonight, g'day to everyone out there.
A.J: Lucas, do you think it's possible for a person to be in love with someone else and not even know it?
Lucas: In this life there are nothing but possibilities.
A.J: Well, that's good because I have to tell Corey I love her by 1:37.
Lucas: That's an excellent time.
hmm :)
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2003 14 February :: 9.51pm
:: Mood: poetic...maybe?
:: Music: Rufus Wainwright- Across the Universe
Jump the cliff
Eyes on eyes, slipping slowly.
Off the cliff that they've named lonely.
Dancing through the purple sky, and on and on through fields of rye.
And take a glance at that special star, reminds you sadly of where you are.
And through and through look hard to find just that moment of peace of mind, your hands moving gracefully as if playing the piano of the night.
And the warm wind lifts the hair out of your face.
The next time I glance and you've landed on your beach.
I'm crying now because your out of reach, stay or walk slowly and maybe remember me, just a pair of eyes in the sea.
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2003 14 February :: 9.07pm
:: Mood: scared
:: Music: Third Eye Blind- Deep inside of you
I don't think you get the beauty of it
So yes, I guess one of my darker entrys but I have been doing some thinking tonight, like every other night. I guess if your reading this don't take this the wrong way cause I don't mean it like that but I don't like where my life is going. I can just see where I will be 10 years from now and I hope that its a nice place but what if it isnt and I'm not little and home anymore I'm truely all alone, then what will become of me. I'm really scared, thats exactly how I'm thinking. I like who I am no joke, no matter what kind of thoughts I have about myself I like who I am the problem is I don't know how to use it, I'm not well thats all, and sometimes I can't understand why. Sometimes I wonder if its me or if its the world or maybe its both, tell me how I can find the things I want, love, sucess, some kind of happiness, I don't think I know how to manuver myself properly. I wish I came with an instruction manuel..lol.I really look up to those who are determined and driven toward there goals, and here I am..lost.. and I never do my homework..lol. I guess thinking about the future is so depressing cause I don't really know what I want to be, I love music I know that will never get old but its hard to do that as a living especially if your a girl so I don't know, everything else I get tired of, seems that I can't get enough of me. I guess everything seems to happen without me, or pass me by I wonder how I can change things like that although I dont really thinkt heres any effective way to. I don't know, ultimately I'm scared of myself and things not working out, " I don't really wanna live this life".
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2003 14 February :: 5.36pm
:: Mood: eh
:: Music: Bright Eyes- A perfect sonnet
I kind of thought anything could happen...guess I was wrong
O well another meaningless Valentines Day, I guess I thought maybe it would be different and somethign unexpected or magical could happen, but well i don't know, Kelley's card was by far the best, very thoughtful girl I really like her alot. Anway hopefully this weekend will be good, having dinner with the parents hopefully it will be a succesful dinner at least somethign might make everything ok. I dunno wasnt a horrible day, I just believe in magic, and thats always a problem. I think what it is is that I have this invisible brick wall surrounding me and I've jsut been pounding on it to try to get out, to try to get someone to hear, I guess its sound proof, maybe I'll stop the pounding cause its no use...bye.
p.s. hate feeling inferior
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2003 13 February :: 7.56pm
:: Mood: mediocrity
:: Music: Get up Kids- Valentine
These glasses speak French
* He seems a little lost, like me, I kind of like that*
Its amazing sometimes to think of all the people, wonderful people that you'll never know, and though your standing right next to me here I can help but realize how far away you really are. I hate seeing you because it just reminds me of how close forever away is, I'd rather just sit back and forget but your not letting me, I'm not letting me. I'm so irrational I swear, and way over my head. I hate not feeling good enough I hate it. I hate knowing all about you, knowing theres no point in wasting all this time cause nothing will come of anything. I guess its easy but it seems so hard right? Just call me long pause why don't you, thats all I am I think someone prove me wrong, I'm in my head, I think to much, I'm too horizontal, haha that was all from Friend's. Think less, more do right? Ugh please notice me...
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2003 13 February :: 6.32pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Don't Look Down- All those times
I'm sleeping...wake me never
Yes, I do believe Thursdays are some of my favorite days...
Well to start off with, I danced today as Sarah would put it smiles from cute guys and good looks, yes good looks are interesting. I wish I knew what exactly they meant but I will assume that looks are somewhat positive, at least you are being acknowledged. You know the feeling when you jsut want to kiss somebody, well yes, when you want to kiss someone beautiful because the sun shone t the right spot on their faces, yea I'm weird. Valentines day tomorrow, boohoo everyone will be walking around with roses and candy gdammit, o well I will be happy for them cause thats all I can be. I'll try to stop hating things, its a bloody habit of mien that needs to be put to an end. Planning out my future, at least for the next two years.. doesn't that make you depressed? Hard classes uyy next year looking like ap european, ap psychology and ap english, lots of fun let me tell you. 15 days till I see starting line :) and yea Thursdays are defiantly November Sarah :). Bye for now, hopefully I'll have something more insightful to say
" In the words of the doors, the time to hesitate is through"
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2003 12 February :: 10.02pm
:: Mood: a to the lright
:: Music: Less than Jake- Dancing with myself
If I had the chance I'd ask the world to dance
Well this hasnt happened for awhile but I'm actually looking forward to tommorrow, I think I've made a decision to stop being caught up in my thoughts all the time and get to know the world around me, otherwise I believe that fits the definition of insane. Anyway, I think I'm starting to look it to, lost you know, here's to thursday...
p.s. Our nation is really becoming messed up, I wouldnt mind heading a revolution right about now.
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2003 11 February :: 10.36pm
:: Music: Gin Blossoms-Follow you down
I'm nutty, I swear I am nutty.
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2003 11 February :: 4.50pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Alkaline Trio- Touble Breathing
Thanks..thanks alot
You know what I really don't like? What really gets to me? When people screw things up for you, things you've been working for, for so long and they just go and screw it up cause they are selfish and don't want people to have something good. Well yea I count that as friendship as well, especially ones you've worked for ,friendships that really matter, yea well this one really mattered. Thanks thanks alot is all I have to say to the assholes out there, people matter to me they really do and I guess I just realized as Sarah would say " we had something to call ours" thanks for betraying me really, especially with this one, you know I don't talk to many people I mean talk talk about things and thanks for ruining something special. Sometimes I really cant stand some people, really, with all of their, help me make it through with all of the devious things people do? thanks.. thanks alot.
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2003 10 February :: 9.13pm
:: Mood: sick :(
:: Music: The Martinis- Free
So free...for a moment
Like every other uneventful day, I walk down this road once again only wishing I were somewhere else.
Like everyday my emotions, stupid emotions run away without me and direct me to places I know I should just forget about cause they are above me in so many ways, I dont belong there and I have the feeling once I walk in the door I would get chucked out. Like a 21 and over club, vip, whatever. Unreasonable notions keep my head turning when it should be kept on straight, cause I always need to glance, I hate when things are waved in front of my face that I may never have, not even be some part of. I really don't like feeling inferior, cause it always happens, and I hate feeling hated I don't care if its true or not, it could be true for all I know it should be true. All I'm saying is don't be too quick to judge people, never, you never know where exactly you can find exactly what you want that goes for myself as well. ok bye!!
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2003 9 February :: 9.50am
:: Mood: refreshed
:: Music: Third Eye Blind- 10 days late
Seize the day, and to hell with everyone else
So heres to the moment..
A wise old friend once told me life was like a highway, it ties in perfectly with the concept that in life you need something to do, someone to love, and somewhere to go. Basically you are traveling upon your road, working your way up to some ultimate goal. You may take your detours, sidestreets, and get into your accidents. Everything stems from that common ideal that you live and breathe for, what you are driving for, what you keep going for. Life is like a highway in that you meet amazing people along the road, yet no matter how much you may like it in a particular location you can never stay for too long, thats just tbe way life goes. I think I've learned to not take things as being unfair but in fact being just right, it figures that once you attain something you love you can't keep it for too long, even the sweetest of foods you have to eventually finish and then move on. Life is like a highway in that you always have to keep on going, always keep plugging along no matter how thick the traffic is you'll get out of it eventually. Most eveything ends up getting old, but in twisted ways its for your benefit, you need to experience all you can before reaching you destination, its the only way you will ever learn. And its so true, when you look back the journey really did mean the most, and once you get there you'll realize that it was your efforts, emotions, and experiences that give what exactly it is that you want its value, its worth. And all that shit you went through was worth every penny. Thanks old friend, I miss you and your words quite often.
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