blueyed
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2003 17 May :: 2.20am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: REM- Nightswimming
All he feels is the silence
He turned his head up, opened his mouth, and shook his head. And with that, he told the story of his life through his fingertips.
Wow, someone beautiful shook my hand, and will be helping me out in the music area. I've always wanted someone amazing to teach me, not to say that I haven't my past two teachers are gifted and percise at what they do. But this guy is just something else. Interesting thing is that hes only 3 or 4 years older than I am, my dad said that he would come down to teach me. Wow my dad hooked it up! hah. Hes a prodigy as they call them , and uhh very beautiful.
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blueyed
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2003 13 May :: 4.12pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: Ramones
Hes got a knock to his fist as he swings..o man what a beautiful thing
I was just thinking how lucky some people really are. And for the first time, I'm not jealous, I'm thinking how happy I would be if I were them. So happy really, it makes me choke up with tears.
I'm thinking about luck. I think its cute sometimes, when little things happen and I try to make them seem wonderful . I think about how cute it is, and how I would react to something of a bigger meaning happening. It really would make me cry.
Basically I'm always feeling I'm trying so hard at things, and actually being proud of them, but them being rejected from the ones who have authority to do so. Authority over me, why can't I just learn to be my own fucking person. Why that must be the one word thats been on my head, why not actually. I think all everyone ever wanted to be was something prominent, that doesn't just stand out but stands for something. I feel like I'm being brushed under the rug. Question of the day, why do we let other people run OUR lives? Why do we let others make or break US? Why should we mistake what matters to others with what matters to ourselves? Whats so wrong with standing alone. Forgive me I'm just royally pissed off at how the world works sometimes. And I don't want to fucking hear that everything happens for a reason, everything happens as a result of what we've done/ what we do. So why am I getting nowhere persumably, please tell me I'm looking at everything upside down...
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blueyed
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2003 11 May :: 10.43pm
:: Mood: maxed out (like a credit card)
:: Music: Third Eye Blind- Slow motion
Later bathing in the afterglow
Is there anybody out there?
The hardest part of understanding is wondering what else is out there for you. I hate suspecting the truth, I hate knowing the truth but excusing it as pessimism. What if I've just turned into a realist? Its proven everyday. I wonder if I've tried everything yet, I'm so scared that I have.
I guess I didn't mean it, but man if you could have seen it... we tend to die young.
The world is a little colder.. TBS is no longer together.
www.takingbacksunday.com
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blueyed
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2003 10 May :: 9.45pm
:: Mood: alright
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional- Jamie
You are the best liar in town
This song just gets to me, really. It hits that particular internal chord, " and I fall to little pieces everytime".
Generally the idea of "belonging to someone" doesn't appeal to me. But I give in and wonder what its like, sometimes I can paint a nice picture.
Euphoria, its a weird feeling. To bad I let things get to me. When will this melodic intoxication come to an end, cause these hallucinations are becoming more real. Once again mistaken and for the record I am a fool.
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blueyed
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2003 7 May :: 12.07am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Rx Bandits- Now or Never
When out is used as a verb, I start to hyperventilate.
So whats better, making the future count, or waiting up for today?
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blueyed
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2003 5 May :: 8.37pm
:: Mood: ahhh
:: Music: Tom Petty- Won't Back Down
I bet if I wrote them, I would be very proud
I'm starting to feel like every day I walk into an exhibit. I'm thinking I shouldn't have read the signs, and took the road. That door didn't need to be opened because now I'm locked inside. And I can hide all I want to, but then again you can hide from all but yourself. And that picture on the shelf, so brillantly faded, misplaced and jaded. I wonder how you ended up here, and its a shame. Sometimes we put unmeasurable value into things, and it makes you think is everything beautiful, or did nothing really matter at all? And its all my fault cause it stands and it haunts me, brings hopes and dreams crashing down without moving an inch. Just staring deeply into the inside to figure out what you really mean, what your trying to say if you could speak. You are somethign I cannot take, and I find myself hoping one day you will break.
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blueyed
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2003 4 May :: 6.35pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: Less Than Jake- Bigger picture
I wonder how they feel tonight
I say this time and time again, but I would just like to put empahsis on that no one should make a drastic decision while they are angry or upset. You are not thinking properly and unable to rationalize things in that kind of state of mind.
I guess prompted by today, talking to a friend I haven't really talked to in a year at a party. she basically at one point tried to kill herself, really she almost did. I just feel so incredibly bad that she probably came to school that Monday and I would have had no clue whats so ever. Anyone, please when your upset don't take your own life. If you think it as a way of vengence or even escape, just remind that yourself that you won't be here to feel your " sucess". You'll be gone. Man it kind of shook me up knowing that she would be gone. Anyone reading this, please, call me if your having a hard time and on the verge of doing something horrible. Its never a good decision because things can always get better, I've had my share of depression this year and in those hours it seems as if you are drowning, nowhere near any type of surface, but that is just a state of mind, a dillusion. And if we keep going on we get over the bumpy roads gradually.
Take care of yourselves, all of you.
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blueyed
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2003 3 May :: 4.43pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Weezer, lots and lots of Weezer
I wanted to ask Sam about the other side of "sometimes".
It might be really weird, but I really like this...
And each of you is a reminder to the Earth of what its capable of.
You are all the reasons, jumping, rational, lacadazicle, irrational.
You are ceasless sieges on the city of joy.,
The reason Agamemnon went to Troy.
Intelligence is not a discipline it is an experience, allow it to explode.
Destroy buildings, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.
Did I lose that sweater or did it lose me?
(I'm me
Me be
Goddamn
I am
I can
Sing and
Hear me
Know me
If you want to destroy my sweater
Hold this thread as I walk away)
And language was invented so people could lie.
Don't just say I love you, let your love perspire and fly.
It is the most profound gymastics and incredible calastetics
Let me pole vault you, let me cartwheel at your beauty in an ideal love affair.
We never had to say " I love you",stutter, "by the way, I love you"
(Goddam
Oh no
It go
It gone
Bye-bye
Who I
I think
I sink
and I die
If you want to destroy my sweater
Hold this thread as I walk away
Watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked
Lying on the floor, I've come undone)
Sweaters that are loneliness
which is a dillusion
Sweaters that imasculate pain and confusion
A giant repression ending only in supression
Sweaters of Lycra
Sweaters of Spandex
We don't need them
Sweaters of knit-wear creating the reason that Ceaser went to Gaul
We don't need the sweater
Walk through the sweater
The sweater that murders
The sweaters that take over our lives and remind us that we don't like the way that we walk.
Sweaters
Walk through the sweater apocalypse and find your own warmth.
Weezer + Soul Coughing
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blueyed
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2003 2 May :: 11.43pm
:: Mood: satisfied
:: Music: Third Eye Blind- Blinded
There will never be a conspiracy of happiness
Well today was nice, real nice...
I'm now a believer in karma, I think I did alot of good things for people today, and I think some good things happened to me in return. It was nice.
Retrace your journey through the nights, run your smooth hands through the wind and sometimes imagining is good enough for me, no one knows what its really like to touch a star. Sometimes invisioning is all that keeps that shard of magic to this world,but sometimes we need to hit the rock bottom at the end that screams and spits in your face, that place is reality. Feel free to walk all over me cause I'd do anything for you. And thats all I have to say.
p.s. Today I was told that I looked like a Jimmy Buffet fan. Interesting...
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blueyed
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2003 1 May :: 8.37pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Something Corporate- Punk Rock Princess
Maybe when the door gets broke down love can break in.
Theres something about tommorrow that we don't know.
Trying my luck at an inner revolution.
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blueyed
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2003 29 April :: 10.57pm
:: Mood: unsure
:: Music: Saves the Day- All I'm losing is me
Ya I'm pretty normal
Well I guess I can't tell, I feel all mixed up inside, half of me wants to achieve wants to do the impossible, wants to attain the unattainable and so on and so fourth. I really wish I was that overachiever sometimes. The other half of me just keeps repeating " you can't keep this up for much longer" the just destroys everything. The other half of me destroys the rest, what can I say another case of me living with my worst enemy everyday. Sometimes I feel like kicking the crap out of myself really, cause everything thats wrong, is all self motivated, and then I'm left absolutly astonished when good things happen, that I never thought I could do. I just ask to be at peace, I don't need anything special, I ask for happiness and acceptance, knowledge yet bliss. I ask to not want anything, and be thankful and furfilled with what I have. But I don't I'm horrible, and envious like that, I let the bad get in the way of the good. and its so funny, its somethign so easy to change, and in the back of my mind I just feel to lazy to actually think that soemthing good is happening. I'm a psycho.
Got yearbooks today, always an adventure.
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blueyed
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2003 25 April :: 9.58pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Wyclef Jean- Gone till November
Hoping for snowy days
Terribly sorry.
We've misused and confused, this communication, keeping the balance
I can't keep my balance
I crumble with every static, and misjudgement.
Every mistake, how long till I break this how long till I just give up?
Don't you realize that your what I think about every night?
Can't you tell by the looks in eyes, does it scare you or do you love the spotlight?
Hang on tonight, every word straps me up, threatens to chew me and spit me up or set me free into that nice place we all go when we are satisfied.
Best wishes denied, then best whishes confirmed, when does it stop spinning.
Just a memory, an empty picture, means nothing cause your not here.
The moon is out tonight.
Don't forget to write.
( Sarah I thought you'd appreciate as well <3)
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blueyed
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2003 24 April :: 12.15am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Matt Skiba- 1981
Movie Moments of 1999
Well, finally have lost consciousness
Rummaging frantically through these used pieces of paper
Trying to find something worth living for, trying to find something to hold onto.
Desperatly wondering, and even though you do not notice, your enriching me, color consistency, you always sharpen easily.
Cause I have drastic remorse, and always change my mind, in time your satin smooth ways will wear and your picture I'll one day tear.
And we'll blend together, one hazy night, and walk till we put some of our color back into the cool world.
I think we have something special, I think sometimes we make a pretty color.
I hate it when you say the right things at the right times, makes me slip up once again, back into the world of uncertaintly.
Come to think of it I've never been one to read stories twice.
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blueyed
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2003 21 April :: 6.19pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: none
Now just isn't the time
Expelling energy in all the wrong directions
For all the wrong reasons
To get what you think you deserve
Everything we do is a thin line
Lacking direction
Lacking the better things in life
Well theres no one left to talk to
And maybe I should of heard you calls
Go away
But don't leave me alone
And I can depend on the sunrise,
With it the dreams meet their demise
Open eyes, but I can never realize
What it takes to connect with what is real and what we have to do to make it real.
Just a serile, fadded photograph, taken some years back.
Can't you see that you can't see me
Can't you hear that I'm not awake just yet
Can't it all stay the same, and I won't have to think, second guess, scared that I might sink.
And not depend on everything to go right( cause I don't know the meaning of that word)
But not depend at all, can't it fall around, can't it play out to the sound.
Stay the same and don't let go, as long as it stays here you'll just never know...
" and every night is the worst night of my life"
2 obsessions |
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blueyed
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2003 19 April :: 2.49pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday
Think about it, live without it
So when you've got your sights set too high, and you're drunk off the horizon, what happens when you wake up and it all disappears? I think all we've ever wanted was something that would make us stop asking for something more.
And I figure I like to stab myself repeatedly sometimes, words really are sharper than knives. I'm such a sucka.
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