stinko
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::
2004 4 November :: 9.33am
done
i am done
i will not be grounded again.
i keep telling myself that.
8 huh |
what
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Brad
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::
2004 3 November :: 4.21pm
:: Mood: pretty good
:: Music: Elvis Presley - money hunny
news for all. none of you will be seeing me for a little while. i wont be at school for a week or so. im getting my license back tomorrow. its going to cost me around $300, thats nothing though...it was cut down a lot by the judge. i guess im the first one in the group to actually go to court...with the judge and the whole "all rise" thing. it was messed up. my fee's would have been about a grand, but the judge was nice. but there were people there who were getting in trouble for breaking into cars and vandolizing and shit...they had to pay like $5000. it was a realy wake up call...trashing shit isnt worth it anymore after seeing what they had to go through. but i took my tint off today, now im borrowing the $300 from my aunt because she's the only one who has that kind of money. its either that or jail...and i would go to jail, for a max of 93 days. but anyway, im gonna be staying here at nate's for the time im not around. im gonna be looking for a job so i can repay some debts and get back on my feet. obviously my dad isnt going to give me child support...if he does, cool. if he doesnt, fuck him. so i guess i was just telling you all, if you care, this way no one worries or anything. i havent slept since two nights ago..its terrible. anyway, you all have fun. love you all, goodbye.
Brad
11 huh |
what
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suspensionrings
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::
2004 3 November :: 9.38am
well, fuck. i had fully intended for there to be a nanonovel this year, i really had.
i wrote about four hundred words on it last night and it rankled the whole way through. i've lost touch with the characters, irreversibly. more to the point, i'm not sure anymore if theirs is a story that really needs to be told.
i wrote four hundred words today on glitter & achmed. don't know whether i'll continue with this or not. but they [and what they represent] are all i can think about right now. yeah, sure, the four-dimensional fish and the men in black and saving the universe from the forces of ecch are all very nice, but what really matters is those two.
what really matters is how i'm projecting myself upon them. how i'm no glitter.
but i've got to find some way to dispel this rage. get some sleep. i stayed up all sunday night, jus to read his livejournal. why? because 9/10ths of it was about his ex-girlfriend.
because he's the sort of guy that falls so completely in love with someone that nothing else matters. and it was beautiful to watch. and it hurt like a bitch. and in the morning i felt silent, tired, and wise.
but then it all came crashing down, i guess. i haven't been sleeping well and. i guess. i.
he says he loves me. i can't fathom that. or what to do with it. & all i can think about is what it felt like to be held. watching him sleep. all of that shit.
i fall too hard, every time. and i never quite recover.
and this other side of it, what sab's doing to/for/with me . . . yes, i want to be silence. yes, i want power and his form of perfection. yes, i want to be able to break people.
but i also want to relax. and just feel it wash over me again.
le blarg. arg arg.
what
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holiday
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::
2004 3 November :: 9.24am
I am here early. Yes yes.
I missed going to skills today :-(
JA today. Making pens. Should be fun. haha. And a massive mess. We shall see. hm hm hm. I have nothing really to say. Except that I am SO glad kErRy (aka Mr. D-bag) did not win. So ha.
what
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stinko
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::
2004 3 November :: 8.43am
gaah.
i got my car back.
this grounding period is slowly fading.
time to dance!!!!!!!!
11 huh |
what
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Brad
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::
2004 3 November :: 2.06am
*sigh* well, things are pretty messed up. being homeless is starting to take its toll on me. tomorrow i have to go to court at 8:30 in the morning. im here at nate's, he's my ride. im hoping i get my license back tomorrow. i get to live in my car for a while, at least till i find a job or something. yesterday, i picked up a few necessities like deoderant and whatnot. i couldnt buy it so yeah....i figured since i need it theres only one way to get it; stupid meijer.
im losing friends, im losing more than i thought i'd ever lose. its not bad enough that i have all this shit going on...i need friend drama. i just dont want to deal with any of it. i cant really trust many people anymore...so many people are spreading rumors and trying to ruin more shit for me now. gah, oh well. im sick of whining. goodbye
6 huh |
what
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holiday
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::
2004 2 November :: 6.56pm
"This is not a sob story or a lesson, but it is a plea: Use the time you have now to change the things that make your life unlivable. Challenge the thought process of the status quo, and understand that this world was not forged in the flames of justice and morality, but rather the fear of the common man and woman, so speak out against the machine.
Shed your fears; it's not too late to live."
-Tim McIlrath from Rise Against
This guy is awesome.
what
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stinko
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::
2004 1 November :: 8.38am
you know what tums backwards is?
SMUT!
halloween = best holiday ever!
6 huh |
what
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suspensionrings
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::
2004 31 October :: 7.56pm
you want to know why i felt like breaking your neck? why sometimes i want nothing more than to slam that beautiful face of yours into a cement wall? feel the crack as you break . . .
it said, somewhere about a year ago, something about you leading people on . . . juggling girls . . . yes, well. it's true. you do. i know you don't mean to. you don't even know you're doing it.
but my god man. this hurts so much.
unrequited love is a kick in the face to begin with, but then you keep dangling the slight chance at being with you in front of my face . . . never close enough to touch.
i fall too hard. & i so fucked this up. i'm sorry, but i don't know what for. [why do you call me? we never talk . . .]
i want more than anything. for you to feel for me what you did. but you can't. and you never will. and i.
god. damn. this. hurts.
1 huh |
what
|
Kate
|
::
2004 31 October :: 7.03pm
:: Music: John Lennon - Imagine
Gunneson Sighting
Kent Theatre
October 23, 2004
2 huh |
what
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Kate
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::
2004 31 October :: 6.12pm
:: Music: Blondie - Atomic
I heard Andy's shutting down woohu sometime in the future.. is this true?
5 huh |
what
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suspensionrings
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::
2004 30 October :: 9.49pm
I wish I had gone to college in Colorado.
Fuck.
Right now, all I want is friends. Right now, all I have is an all-consuming loathing for those few people who are physically around me. And that makes the isolation from those who really matter all the more poignent.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck it.
I'm so goddamn alone.
what
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suspensionrings
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::
2004 30 October :: 9.42am
you'vegottobefuckingkiddingme
Jeezum, I'm shaking. Jeezum! Jeezum. jeezumjeezumjeezumjeezum
goodFUCKINGchrist
he's muffled by the mask. i wish someone else could hear it. feel it. anyone else. speech imprediments. sab had braces, once. nothing wrong with her teeth, just metal in her mouth. metal in my mouth. olympian. jeezumi'mshaking. stop it!
he is the voice of an adult man disgusted by the incomptetance of a child. he is my father screaming at my brother for not being potty-trained. he is the disgust i bear for myself.
this goes beyond effigy's filth.
jeezum, i'm shaking, i'm shaking. jeezum. please.
speech impediments. the monster in the cell.
he's muffled in that mask.
sounds like . . .
1 huh |
what
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Kate
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::
2004 29 October :: 2.10pm
:: Mood: laidback
Quotes
Sorry.. I did the worst I've ever done on quotes this time. They're only bad because I have a lot fewer than I usually do. But enjoy the ones that I have:
Serenity
what
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holiday
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::
2004 29 October :: 1.07pm
What if?
what
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holiday
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::
2004 28 October :: 5.40pm
Oh man. BLAH! Too much Calc.
what
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stinko
|
::
2004 28 October :: 8.30am
it's so dreary outside.
i wish i was out there.
i don't really know why, but it just seems like the thing to do.
5 huh |
what
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suspensionrings
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::
2004 27 October :: 6.53pm
ack
what
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holiday
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::
2004 27 October :: 2.32pm
Then we'll just watch her self-destruct as she gets old.
what
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stinko
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::
2004 27 October :: 10.23am
i totally should have had 14 boyfriends a long time ago.
what the hell was i thinking?
10 huh |
what
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Kate
|
::
2004 26 October :: 5.09pm
:: Music: Buzzcocks - You Say You Don't Love Me
Help
I need to go on ad sales. If anyone wants to come and get me right now, I would be grateful. All you have to do is drive me to at most 5 businesses (all on main street,) and I'll go inside, try to sell an ad, then off we go again. It only takes a few minutes per business.
I have to have this done by Thursday, and my parents can't take me tonight. They're not sure if they can take me tomorrow either. So.. it would be helpful if anyone is up for it. Plus, you get to hang out with me. All the more reason to do it!
Thank you, Tanya. :)
what
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suspensionrings
|
::
2004 26 October :: 11.01am
:///---/
what
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stinko
|
::
2004 26 October :: 12.25pm
i swear i'm not that great.
11 huh |
what
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suspensionrings
|
::
2004 25 October :: 2.03pm
i am spewing contradiction after contradiction.
what
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suspensionrings
|
::
2004 25 October :: 1.52pm
it's.
& maybe i'm wrong. bold statements, and i never back them up.
wake up. she says. wake up, over and over. screams or whispers or just turning away and shaking her head, blowing steam into the wind.
this morning i felt like i could take on the world. i'd found that middle ground. but naturally, i slipped again. i'll stand up yes i'll feel better again yes but for this one particular moment it's all like drowning.
she'srightshe'srightshe'salwaysright. and yet. i can't just accept her perspective. her solution. gods know i've tried.
oxytocin is fighting back. it's not supposed to. it's that goddamn five percent, it's dogging me everywhere. i can't go five minutes without thinking about it. but i've got to. i've got to.
[tool] let this go . . .
there are no other options. there is no salvation. if i keep my heart where it is, the way it is, it'll just keep bleeding. i've been trying to cut it off completely but that's not working, obviously.i wish i could turn it back into the stone that it was before, it was great, it was great.
lack of emotion sounds like the worst state in the world, but believe me, it is so very freeing. a cheshire, a cheshire.
rejection of foreign tissues. i've lost my point.
no. if i stay like this i'll bleed and bleed and bleed. but i can't go back. but i can't go forward. i'm fucking trapped.
there is a narrow path to walk but it's hard to stay on it. not that i should expect anything less, not so soon. in a month, i pray, it'll no longer be tightrope walking. in a month, i pray, this shit will no longer bother me.
that's a bit too much. it'll bother me for a good while. but in a month, hopefully, it won't hurt. i'll be able to concentrate.
not think about jim all the goddamn time.
what
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stinko
|
::
2004 25 October :: 8.48am
double quarter pounders will be the death of me. . .
7 huh |
what
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suspensionrings
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::
2004 24 October :: 1.23pm
I've made lists before, but you know, post-it notes just don't fucking cut it.
1. NaNoNovel. Wrath of the Underground. I have no idea whether I'll make to to 50k and I don't care, as long as all that must be told is told. They are dead and this shall be their eulogy.
2. Godsmack concert, 2 Nov. Call the guy about tickets. Fuck the fear of crowds, of riding with people you don't know, of imposing. It's Godsmack.
3. Martial arts classes. Hapkido MWF, Taekwando TT. Thirty bucks each. Only reason you held off was money.
4. Get the phone line installed. Then finish your website. Be on aim and fucking talk to people. I miss conversating w/alicia.
5. Comic. I don't care what form it takes, how long it takes, whether it gets started before the end of the year. Just fucking do it already.
6. Find a Blockbuster. plzplzplz let there be one in this area that's easy to get to. Barring that, play lots of DDR.
7. Play video games. Read. Attempt to do so without stopping every five minutes to angst.
1 huh |
what
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suspensionrings
|
::
2004 24 October :: 12.37pm
lay around in the fetal position for over an hour, stop feeling sorry for yourself. feel like shit. call shillowe. she keeps herself busy. i should do that. barring the binge drinking and random sexxoring, of course.
i have six hundred dollars to fucking spend. i'm signing up for those goddamn classes.
my nanonovel is going to get finished this year no matter what. i'm not going anywhere. i won't be distracted by family, by my birthday, holidays. maybe it won't be fifty k but that fucking story will be told.
website. godsmack. etc.
what
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suspensionrings
|
::
2004 24 October :: 10.17am
appendectomy. removal of a gangrenous limb.
or fuck the metaphors. i just told him i could never be with him. i never could, really, but dear god, it's nice to hear and pretend.
before i fucked everything up.
before i realized a lot about myself.
before, before, before.
and if i hadn't, i wonder if there still wouldn't be a "we."
but i did. fucking stabbed him. killed it like she killed fury. out of fear. the one good thing that'll ever fucking happen to her and she killed him as soon as she met him.
well. all wasn't, in the greater scheme of things, lost. euphoria ended badly but for however long it was they were great together.
except she wasn't really herself. that violence, effigy, the mask. it's her too.
too many goddamn metaphors. too many goddamn characters. and a voice in the back of my head screaming hysterically, whatthefuckhaveidone, whattheFUCKhaveidone?!
hole in my heart will never close, but it will stop throbbing eventually. you'll look back in a year, if you survive that far, and know how far you've come.
[into the grey.]
what
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suspensionrings
|
::
2004 24 October :: 7.24am
i feel like i've had an emotional enema. drained but clean and empty.
no sleep, no dreams. no dreams, no wish to kill myself upon awakening.
mind you, the night itself was not in the least bit fun.
but i could tell. from the fact that i would take my cell phone with me, if i left. that it wasn't really the end just yet. just trying to send a message. get across how much this fucking hurts.
maybe i don't need to.
maybe it doesn't matter, but not for the reasons i usually think.
or, no. they're the same reasons. just viewed from a different perspective.
yeah, he doesn't love me. not like i love him, not ever. yeah, i fucked up and stabbed him in the heart, because i knew even if i didn't know how i would react. and yet i kept going, because of that fucking five percent.
everything says, that if you come out here, jim, if you marry me, it'll just be an escape. it'll just be a stopgap. a pit stop, not a destination. you don't expect for it to last, it's just the only feasible way you could be with me as long as i'm enlisted.
well. damn it. i thought that way too, at first.
and then i don't know. does sex change everything? does being around you again? does meeting my parents and realizing that, oh god, he fits in so well, oh god, i could spend the rest of my life with this guy?
was it just . . . the feeling of comfort and safety. for those first few nights when i'd fall asleep in your arms.
but you know. towards the end, you'd always turn away. and i was left to run my fingers down your back and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what i'd seen in folsom was the fucking truth.
you could never love me like her. ever.
and i've got to get out of this. before it kills me.
what
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