This is going to turn into a very long entry so don't start if you can't finish.

After reading Jessa's entry about her childhood I decided I had to find out what was really bothering me deep down past even highschool so that's what I'm about to do. I'll try to separate in subjects.

Dad:
Ever since I was a little girl all I can remember about my childhood is having an alcoholic for a father. Him coming home around 3am smashing down a door or busting a window to get into the house. He wasn't one of those funny drunks either, he was a violent, mean drunk. He was so mean. The things he'd say would just crush me. He made me feel like a nothing because that's what he called me. And after hearing I was such a piece of shit my whole life I started to believe it. I remember standing outside in the snow barefoot just to be out of the house, away from his threatening and safe from him throwing things. He'd put me and my family down for no reason. He'd just go in a row, naming each problem every member had. Making us all feel equally as shitty as the next. And when I'd cry my mom would call me weak and say, "No one else lets him get to them, why should you?" I'd try to just go in my room, turn up the music to drown out the voices, and ignore it, but I swore every sound in the world couldn't make his voice go away. He'd just plow my door open and scream at me as I'd scream and cry to him. Yelling at him, just trying to make him listen to one word I said. But, all he'd do is put me down and tell me he'd give me a real reason to cry. This went on at least twice a week every week of my life up until around two years ago. Now it's not as constant, but it still happens here and there. I knew every cops name and they knew mine. They made frequent visits to my house monthly. But, they were always late and never did anything. They'd just say until he hurt someone physically they couldn't do anything. So finally my dad ended up pushing my brother into a door and making him fall. We called the cops and he got put in jail for 3 months. I remember visiting him and talking to him through glass an inch thick, and using a phone. It was a wierd feeling. Seeing someone and talking to them on a phone. I couldn't look at him, I had to pretend more than an inch of glass was seperating us. He'd apologize and promise he'd never do it again. And me being a little kid bought it and felt sorry for him. But, once he got out it'd all happen again. I also remember at a very young age he had an ulser and puked up blood all over the house. He kept falling and couldn't move. An ambulence came and got him and he was in the hospital for some days. We found out the ulser was from alcohol. I remember seeing his head crash down in my doorframe and a nail going into his chin. He still has the scar, in the shape of a nail on his chin from that day. I thought he was going to die that day. And when he didn't I at least thought he'd quit drinking, but he didn't. And he never will. People always say, "Well, at least he didn't beat you." But, ya know what? Most of the time I would have much rather taken a punch to the face than heard half of the things I heard. Words hurt more than getting hit.

Older brother (Keith):
My brother Keith was the one that got the most shit from my dad. He wasn't his actual son. I guess he's my step brother, but I'll never call him that because he doesn't seem like he is. He's been my brother my whole life, so the title "step" doesn't fit him at all. My dad felt like he didn't really have to treat him like a son because he wasn't technically his so he got treated like shit. My brother was always a good kid. He never got in trouble, didn't have girl problems, didn't swear, got straight A's, and was an honor student. He met a girl named Staci his senior year and they ended up liking eachother. Well, I shouldn't say met, they knew eachother for a while, but this is when they really started spending time together. Staci had one more year of school left and my brother waited for her year to end. Staci's father was a lot like mine. He was bi polar, an alcoholic, and quite frankly sounded crazy. So she really wanted to move out and just distance herself from him, and my brother wanted the same. So they ended up moving out and moving in together as soon as she graduated. They got married very quicky, kind've rushed into it I think. But, they are happy now and both away from their fathers. They needed that. And my brother had to listen to my dad count down the years he had until he was 18 and could move out. And now I listen to it. First it was, "I only five more years until you're out of my house!" Then four, three, two, and now my final year. I wish he saw he was just chasing all his kids away. But, he really only has a few more years to live as it is. He has a liver disease from drinking so much and is just killing himself more each day. My dad ended up getting a counselor and the counselor told him it was our fault for making him so angry all the time. She said it was his kids fault and we were the reason he drank. So, I started thinking it was my fault and it was put into my dads sick mind even more that we was right and we were all out to get him.

School:
I was an ugly little kid. As you can see I never really grew out of it that, hah. My family was never well off so I wore a lot of big clothes, or boys clothes. I was a tom boy from growing up with two brothers. I was into boy games like football, wrestling, and things like that. I never really got along with the girls. They all kinda looked at me like I was a circus freak. Girls were always too whiny and annoying for me to handle. The boys were tough and could take a punch. I ended up being a trouble maker. I was sent to the counselor every day for recess for a year or so. Finally I met a girl who liked me. Her name was Brandee Weeks. We became best friends and all her friends were automatically mine. And she was popular. The most popular girl in that little elementary school. I know it seems odd that there was even "popularity" then, but believe me there was. Then one day Brandee and I got in a fight. And all her friends didn't like me anymore. It was like once she hated me they all could stop their act. I had no friends. I sat alone at lunch and became a very lonely, sad girl. I saw what popularity was. It was a bunch of fakers sticking together to simply not be alone. None of them really were there for eachother. No boys ever liked me. I got made fun of for being flat chested and dressing "scrubby." The guys that did talk to me just saw me as another guy. I never really had friends.

Middleschool was the point where I started getting desperate. My middle school career was hell. I am serious. I ended up fighting with this girl and we got so bad that they had to change my entire schedule. I had to have a "body guard" with me when I walked through the halls, and make all new friends in my new classes. But, everyone just ended up hating me and thinking I was wierd. They all saw me as a tattle tail because my mom worked at the school and no one could really mess with me. It was nice getting some benefits, but I really wish my mom wouldn't have worked there. I'd rather have roughed it.

My brother, Dustin dated a lot more than I did in school. He dated popular, pretty girls too. He ended up dating Taryn Bolwing for awhile. And I became best friends with her. Soon after we became friends her and my brother broke up and Tayrn didn't talk to me as much as she used to. Once again all her friends were my "friends" and I was popular again. But, Tayrn and I ended up fighting because I thought she treated me wrong. So our friendship ended and all her friends left me as well. Once again I was left alone. Since then Taryn and I really don't talk or had the urge to be frienda again. And strangely she had to be the girl my boyfriend decided to break my heart with. So some friendships just don't ever happen again.

So, after I lost her..I was a loser again. I didn't have friends. All I had was Stacey Knapp. And we were good friends. We ended up kinda being alone together. If that makes sense.

Anyway, my first year of higschool was a disaster. I was still trying to be cool, but no one liked me. I was ugly and dressed bad. No guy had a crush on me. They always chose the pretty girls who dressed well and wore all the makeup. I ended up meeting this guy, T.J. and he was "gothic" I guess you could say. I was intrigued by him because he was attractive, but very different from me. I decided I wanted to get his attention so I started buying black clothes, dyed my hair black, and wore a lot of bracelets and ties. He'd compliment me and make me feel good. Then a few other guys started noticing me. But, I still wasn't being myself. T.J. and I ended up going out. I found out he never really cared how I dressed. He liked me how I was. I'm sure I was more attractive to him that way, but in the end he didn't care. Anyway, he ended up being a really bad boyfriend. He just didn't know how to act and was very unexpierenced with treating a girl right. We broke up and I dated Jake. He was from Kent City and we really liked eachother. He was my first kiss and first love, I guess. He got really serious and it scared me so I broke up with him. He ended up falling into depression and had to be put on pills and I was just alone. The year I started dressing different a lot of people called me a poseur, but then I was accepted into a superficial group known as "the circle." I finally felt good about myself. Guys were hitting on me, I had over 20 friends, I was invited to parties, and everyone seemed to like me all right. After a year or so I realized the circle was not a group of friends. It was a group of people who never fit in and just needed somewhere to go. They were all backstabbing, gossipers. I ended up dating Joe and James. Both failed relationships, though I did learn from each of them. Near the the middle of my Junior year I finally became myself. I dressed how I actually wanted to and had a few actual, real friends.

Then I finally dated Brad. The guy I always wanted to be with. He just always intrigued me and I lusted over him. He ended up cheating on his girl friend, Kelly, a few times. And started getting closer with me while he was still with her. Finally they broke up and he was mine. Things were good for a while, but then his past always scared me. I was worried he'd cheat on me and lie to me. And he reassured me he never would. That he actually loved me and I was different from Kelly and everyone else. But, in the end he cheated on me. And to make it worse it was with Taryn. And that was that. So there I was again. Back to feeling like a nothing, feeling ugly, and being second best. Somone hurting me and lying to me again. Right when I thought I had love from one person I didn't.
I'll always be the second best girl.

So who I am now has been created from little things from my childhood to bigger things now. I expect to always be hurt. I know I left a lot out and skipped a lot of details. It's because my mind is gone right now and my fingers are actually tired from typing.

Sorry about any errors, I'm too tired to read over this.

26 huh | what