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She is dangerous for all the ways she is harmless.And please, if they should ask you, tell them you knew a heart like mine.Relentless.

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:: 2005 10 February :: 9.12am
:: Music: Tsunami Bomb

Home, Sick

So I woke up at six this morning, and I could barely speak, my throat hurt so bad. When I tried to talk it felt like there was a rusty saw scraping against the back of my throat, ripping apart my vocal cords. I can speak now, quietly, but once in awhile I forget and go to sing along with the music, and it hurts pretty bad.

Have fun at school, see you all later.

:: 2005 9 February :: 5.15pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Finch - What It Is To Burn

Burn me

I knew nothing would change. It never will.

suspensionrings

:: 2005 9 February :: 10.06am

. . . iwillgetoverthis. iwillgetoverthis. . .

shittiest goddamn mardi gras ever.
i'm fucking sick of love. of having it. [then again, i always have been.]

i will spend every minute of every day waiting for you to contact me. until someday i realize you're not. going. to.
on that day i'll begin to heal.

. . . rest later.

suspensionrings

:: 2005 7 February :: 10.31pm

i want the last six months of my life back.
i want to change it all around.
i want to make it right.
[i want to do right by you.]
give me a time machine, god. this is really pissing me off.
[it's what they call, "regret."]

:: 2005 7 February :: 4.08pm
:: Music: Kill Hannah - Unwanted

Make a move, mark my words.
Today was a relatively good day, especially for a Monday. Had a substitue for Dolbee, and that could make any day worth while. It did feel quite strange having 25 minutes to just talk in that class. For the first 5 no one said a word. I think we were all afraid she was going to pop out of some hole in the wall and start handing out detentions.

:: 2005 7 February :: 3.47pm

Onions smell awful!

:: 2005 6 February :: 12.59pm
:: Music: I Am Revenant

So where should I go to die?

Kate	:: 2005 5 February :: 6.39pm :: Music: The Postal Service - Sleeping In Does anyone have a pet snake? 5 huh \| what

:: 2005 5 February :: 5.49pm
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: Bright Eyes - The Calendar Hung Itself

I don't mind a cold floor
Yesterday was good, I hope today ends up that way too.

I don't have anything to say, I just haven't updated in awhile so I thought I would. I guess it's a good thing though, yeah, you always know everything is going good when you have no reason to update woohu.

:: 2005 3 February :: 12.12pm

so tired.

so very tired.

suspensionrings

:: 2005 2 February :: 7.04pm

no. it's not okay.

kate	:: 2005 2 February :: 1.51pm :: Music: Bush Does anyone want a Puddle of Mudd and/or an American Wedding poster? 4 huh \| what

onceagainistandalone

:: 2005 1 February :: 7.38pm

some lyrics that i like
My Bloody Valentine - Soon (this is my favorite song ever)

Wake up
Don't fear
I want to love you
Yeah don't go there
I let you get to me
Yeah yeah

Come back
Don't be afraid of me
Soon
That I'll harm you
Your eyes are blue, blue jewels
Yeah yeah

Come back
Have faith
Someone like you can find the reason
Of what I did to you
Yeah yeah

Braid - A Dozen Roses

a dozen roses in the car
and i don't know where you are
maybe i don't know what i'm doing
you're moving like a movie
you still move me
among the other ones
and twos and threes and twenty-threes
got to keep my conscience clean
but that hurricane what's-her-name
mentality was not for me
and never could be
cause it surely brings bitter things
and misery

and i say
heaven hits me hard
in with the new
heaven hits me hardly

in with the news
whatever gets me started
in with the noose
have you ever had a heaven here
and was it clear?

cause i just wrote a letter
a confession down the ladder
that things could be so much better
and through follow the leader
i met her and then another end
and usually a grudge
but i loved so much
the way we touched and psuedo-kissed
oh i already miss you singing like this
over the phone
every now and every then i tend to pretend
i'm not alone

static made old radio
now i know
static made old radio

heaven hits me hard
in with the new
heaven hits me hardly
in with the news
whatever gets me started
in with the noose
have you ever had a heaven here
and was it clearly better?

Radiohead - Climbing up the Walls

I am the key to the lock in your house
That keeps your toys in the basement
And if you get too far inside
You'll only see my reflection

It's always best with the covers up
I am the pick in the ice
Do not cry out or hit the alarm
You know we're friends till we die

And either way you turn, I'll be there
Open up your skull, I'll be there
Climbing up the walls

It's always best when the light is off
It's always better on the outside
Fifteen blows to the back of your head
Fifteen blows to your mind

So lock the kids up safe tonight
Shut the eyes in the cupboard
I've got the smile of a local man
Who's got the loneliest feeling

That either way you turn, I'll be there
Open up your skull and I'll be there
Climbing up the walls

Climbing up the walls
Climbing up the walls

Slowdive - Catch The Breeze

Feels like all the days are gone
Just catch the breeze
You know it had to fall
Rain, washes, ways down
And I, I want the world to pass
And I, I watch the wind to fly
You can believe in everything
You can believe it all
Hey, are you feeling something new
Just watch the rain, it helps in all you do
The breeze, it blows, it blows everything
And I, I want the world to pass
And I, I want the sun to shine
You can believe in everything
You can believe it all
--

so..thats all..give me replies with more lyrics, like your favorties.

love,
Matthew James Hinton

onceagainistandalone

:: 2005 1 February :: 6.49pm

start my job on monday.
yay.

i get the internet on saturday.
yay.

im getting a car soon too.
" "

and eventually, i will be doing what i love.

so, thats that.

love,
matthew james hinton.

suspensionrings

:: 2005 1 February :: 6.23pm

. . . Surreal and stupid. Clouds on the sky, seagulls and ice. Wind. The same goddamn rocks, the same goddamn urges. To break [people].

It apparently isn't a problem. He has been up to no good as well. I am relieved. Or, I should be. But yet somehow . . . don't get me wrong, I'm not jealous in the least. Nor bothered by either of us fucking other people.

No, the part that gets me . . . [& put aside your need for metaphors, for imagery, for making so much more intense than it really is.] is that even in the middle of it, all I can think of is Jim.

Dead center of probably the best fuck I'll ever get and I suddenly want to cry from loneliness. What? Someone explain this to me, please. Someone make it all make sense, make it all better, make it all go away. Someone please, for the love of god, plug up this hole in my heart. It hurts.

I finally believe in him, far too late to do anything about it. Maybe, if I'm lucky and clever, I can see him in May. Maybe not.

:: 2005 1 February :: 12.24pm

I need to get better. I need to stop counting hours and minutes.

:: 2005 31 January :: 7.38pm
:: Music: My Chemical Romance - Helena

Douche; what a lovely word.
I learned today that I have a guestbook. And I also learned that none of you have signed it.

Bitches...

Well, I haven't signed any of yours, so I guess it's only fair.

:: 2005 31 January :: 1.57pm

Here we go again.
Relentless.

:: 2005 31 January :: 9.27am

i was sick this weekend. all i did was sleep.

what's funny about this is that now i feel better, and all i want to do is sleep.

suspensionrings

:: 2005 30 January :: 2.24pm

Thieves, whores, and addicts. Once and always.
No, let's stop framing the question in flowers and sunlight.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Fucking hell.

He asked me (less then a month ago, jebuz) "will you cheat on me." & i said no.
Technically, I just did.
& what bothers me most is I want to do it again.

I could care less about the sex, but it's the interplay that gets to me. The being sexy. The being so close to someone, feeling his shoulder under my arm. Kisses.

& at the same time I love it, & at the same time I am revulsed.
shitshitshitshit.
Didn't believe me when I said I wasn't worth it, did you boy?
Guess that makes you a fool twice over.

(What the hell is wrong with me: What have I become, my sweetest friend.)
I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

:: 2005 30 January :: 9.21am

Resident Evil Marathon
I have both Resident Evil movies and I'm watching them back to back, just for the full effect. It's going to be great.

[edit]
Man, those are some kick ass movies. I just finished the second one, looks like there is going to be a third.

suspensionrings

:: 2005 30 January :: 5.39am

you know, if this were anyone else, i would say, it's only human, don't beat yourself up about it. yeah, it was a shit thing to do, but don't beat yourself up about it. over and over, always the forgiveness. because what are friends for.

but this is me.
& i am the judge, jury, and executioner.

i can't live like this. fuck. not for another two years. not for another five. fuck. fuck fuck fuck.

i missed you the second i realized i was leaving.
i think this may have been the last time
oh, god. i just want to . . .

suspensionrings

:: 2005 29 January :: 5.59pm

You know. Reading over old entries I realized just how . . . uptight I was. & that was only a couple of weeks ago.

Somehow I've learned to relax. Not to worry about it.

That scares me, it's always when I'm happy that I do the most harm.

suspensionrings

:: 2005 29 January :: 5.30pm

Originality is for naught, but only in one such as I. Where did the Underground go? What the fuck happened to neverland, to effigy, to Jeezum, why am I so obsessed with killing them all off?

Oh. Right. Jim.

I killed Sab for his sake. Once. In hindsight, at this particular moment, it seems a grevious error. A hideously inhuman act of cold-blooded murder. Butbackmeuponthis: She wanted to die and I know it, I wanted her gone and I know it, I was trying to be this person Shi had brought from within me but--

I killed that too.

Perhaps that is what bothers me most, really, is the girl that Jim met and fell for in Mississippi is not who I am today. I am who I was before I ever met her and now . . . I'm not sure if I'm even capable of coexisting with anyone. This endless circle/spiral . . .

I destroyed the Underground, or they destroyed themselves. Perhaps from too much publicity, perhaps from too little, perhaps it was simply never strong enough to hold its own. Perhaps I needed to be a little more like her [youknow] and keep it all in until it burst forth to devour me.

Maybe I just need to draw more.

I want to speak to them, feel them, become enfolded in them like I used to, but they all smack of death and failure now. Everyone that ever was is dead, even the self-proclaimed "survivor." Jim may have knocked things around a little, but all he really did was sped up the rate of my own decay. Until there was nothing left.

I want/ed to die, so badly. If he hadn't told me it would destroy him to kill myself, I would have. Would still. I live not for the sake of living but for the sake of not harming him.

I suppose it makes about as much sense as clinging to the hope of ever seeing ][.

I dunno, man. I feel so human. It leaves me so lost.

kate	:: 2005 27 January :: 4.54pm You're stupid. Yeah, so am I. 3 huh \| what

:: 2005 27 January :: 10.05am
:: Mood: confused

My biggest fear at this point, is what might be said now. . I mean I have enough faith that people wont be picking sides, but after all thats been said-or has been neglected to be said, I dont know what might be going through some peoples head. I feel like I'v stepped back in middle school and all that was trivial and dumb has come back with a vengence. Hopefully through this silence there has been an agreement to just...let it go

:: 2005 27 January :: 9.31am

i love waffles!

onceagainistandalone

:: 2005 26 January :: 5.14pm

what can i say?

sometimes i even disgust myself.

i am sorry. for the 90 millionth time..and it still doesn't feel like enough to me.

:: 2005 26 January :: 6.12pm

With only an empty glass on the table
No one home.
This place has long been abandoned
Windows covered
Doors are clearly busted
Cold air seeping in through cracks from...
everywhere.
A whisper comes from behind
Or was it the wind?
A few steps to the left...
Creak.
A few steps to the right...
Creak.
The floor caves in.
Darkness again.

:: 2005 26 January :: 6.06pm
:: Music: Jackson- All the Way

Mom found out more information I already knew.
I don't know. Keats doesn't look at both sides of things, so I had to.
"A thing of beauty is a joy forever: It's loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness; but still will keep a bower quiet for us, and a sleep full of sweet dreams and health and quiet breathing."
Well, what about pain, Mr. Keats?
I think
"A thing of pain, it lasts forever: It's damage increases; It will never pass into nothingness, though some will go on with their lives; but still will keep your sleep alive and full with dreams stricken with painful reality and dreadful images. No quite breathing."

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