holiday
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2004 6 December :: 5.51pm
:: Music: AFI-Third Season
I swear I had an entry earlier explaining a bit about my total disgust about the information I found out today. It's quite shocking.
"his ocean wrists run deep.
but the floods before him,
will not be cause
to drown."
what
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70billion
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2004 6 December :: 2.11pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Shoot First Now Draw
PA
This weekend was way amazing, we got back from PA sunday night, the show was one of the best shows I have been apart of, their was 300 kids there, they all thought we some national band(little did they know we have only been together for a month and it was our first show) there was a lot of hardcore dancing and people enjoyed it, I had no Idea how people would take our music, and we played with an amazing band from New York call "A love for Enemies" they rocked out hardcore. we will be playing with them again when they come to GR in the month or two. It was a fun road trip. Thanks for reading
3 huh |
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holiday
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2004 6 December :: 12.31pm
OH MY GOSHHHH. You never can trust people.
2 huh |
what
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stinko
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2004 6 December :: 9.00am
MOTION CITY ROCKED!
Jessie is so fucking hot!!!!
He should ask me out or something. That would be cool.
P.S. Hurray for girl pants!
8 huh |
what
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Brad
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2004 6 December :: 2.55am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: the used - yesterdays feelings
If you're my friend, READ.
For once in my life, i feel actually grown up. i dont know what it is, but i feel like an adult. after all the months of living on my own with no parents, i feel like i can actually take care of myself. i dont need parents, well i need them, but not in the case to where i need them to take care of me. i do miss my mother very much..i havent seen her in forever. i miss my dad, my little brother, and especially my sister too. i havent seen my sister in so long. it almost feels like i dont really have a family anymore. when i was younger..even a year ago, i always thought i hated my sister and i could easily live without her and not miss her. but now, i really miss her. i never thought i would think it, but i do love my sister. but i guess this happens to about everyone. as you get older.. your sibblings become so much more important to you. its crazy..thinking about all this almost brings tears to my eye's. things are happening so fast.. the more im alone, the more i realize how much i need everyone. i couldnt imagine all this without my friends, i love you all. and people like jay, he's been my best friend for around 4 years now. its all went by so fast. we have so many stories and good times to share. not once in my life have i had someone to share so much with. ive never had someone that ive been so many places and done so many things with. ive done some things with jay that i never would have done with anyone else. a lot of the things may be illegal but thats ok. its all good lesson learning experiences. but i thank him for being there for me and being my best friend through everything.
dont think i forgot about all of you if you're reading this. i appreciate everything ive ever shared with any of you. im looking forward to many more great experiences with my friends for many years. i hope that i can still have most of you years from now. well, thats how i feel..if you're pleased..good. hope to see you all soon. see ya
Bradley
7 huh |
what
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fadingfallenstar
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2004 5 December :: 4.15pm
:: Music: Straylight Run - Another Word for Desperate
Ok..
So, my grandma bought me a shirt.
It has a snowman on it and it says ..*tries not to burst into laughter*..
'Make me Melt!'
It's terrible.
It's one of those shirts I make fun of.
I'm so going to wear it.
3 huh |
what
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Kate
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2004 5 December :: 12.18am
:: Music: The Cure - Labyrinth
Tonight was just.. beautiful. Did anyone not cry?
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70billion
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2004 3 December :: 12.40pm
:: Music: MewithoutYou-Janary 1979
TEWwG
The new band has the first show this weekend in Pittsburg, PA it should be exiting, we leave tonight and comeback sunday. We finished up our recording and I pick up 150 copies today at 5 before we leave. We also have 2 different shits that are way hott,
new subject.......
As of sunday I no longer live the good old town of cedar springs, We got a band house in Byron Center, its hella tight. my adress is 83 perry st Byron Center, MI 49315 for any that want to vistit. well thats all for now check you all later.
3 huh |
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holiday
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2004 3 December :: 9.49am
:: Music: Elliott- Songs In The Air
I went to school today, but did not go to skills. Yesterday I went to skills, but did not go to school. Flip-flop. I couldn't sleep at ALL last night. I kept getting up. It was SO annoying!!! And my hands still smell like fricken onions. It won't go away, no matter what I do. Dad said to put baking soda and vinegar on them, but then my hands would just smell like vinegar! YUCK! 5 minutes till class.
4 huh |
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stinko
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2004 3 December :: 9.28am
so . . .
MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK TONIGHT!
should be a good time.
7 huh |
what
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suspensionrings
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2004 2 December :: 7.30pm
And always this hope in the back of my mind. That if I can just be good enough to matter. If I can be strong enough, beautiful enough, fragile enough, perfect enough, I'll matter. And when I say matter. I mean.
Well, you know.
But I'm a fool for believing it. I can never add up to any of them.
what
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holiday
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::
2004 2 December :: 5.57pm
Goodnight, the day is done.
Death awaits.
Rest your head in wavy sun.
Come, take my hand and sing along-
The key of blue, this endless song.
His face worn through but worn with pride.
He saved us all with his hot suicide...
3 huh |
what
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suspensionrings
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::
2004 2 December :: 3.32pm
the adrenaline hits and she coughs for a few instants, bleeding off the energy until i can think again. hissing rasping breath and my arms feel like they're made of molten lead.
i make a noise, and she leaps across the room to bury my face in cement. her mouth is open, but there are no words, no reason for the words. we both know my mistake, she simply growls out her frustration and leaves me to soak into the floor.
it hits, again and again and again, for as long as i'll let it. always this. knowledge. backhand to the fucking face, but not from her, no, from the idea itself. it does more damage than she ever would.
her screams are mine. her arms around my neck are comforting. the walls shake as i collapse in a corner, and she just paces, on fire on fire on fire.
finally, the words that we all knew were coming.
never trust again. never. never fall again. never allow yourself to be used like that. never be their . . . she drops the hand, sighing. a look a question. just. please. stop doing this to us?
i'll try. i'll try and i'll fail and it will destroy me in the end. but i've got to try. in the end, being heartless would not be so bad, when it's compared to this.
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stinko
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::
2004 2 December :: 9.33am
who likes the skippy? who likes the skippy peanut butter?
ooooh!
i love peanut butter.
crunchy peanut butter.
i need some. soon.
7 huh |
what
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onceagainistandalone
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2004 1 December :: 3.21pm
departure: Sunday, December 5th, 7:20 am.
destination: California
return date: none.
so its been good.
and im scared as fuck. everything i've ever known will be thousands of miles away from me. but i really can't wait..i haven't slept well all week.
and i just can't wait for that Bloody Red Sunset of Phantastic L.A.
that is all.
i love you. all of you.
5 huh |
what
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holiday
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::
2004 1 December :: 1.22pm
Dentist appointments really suck.
2 huh |
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holiday
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2004 1 December :: 12.28pm
get to the choppa!!!
2 huh |
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stinko
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2004 1 December :: 12.18pm
the snow melted. good.
i wish we could have had a snow day. why does nature like to get our hopes up?
woot!
4 huh |
what
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stinko
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2004 30 November :: 12.12pm
why do I always go for bad boys?
5 huh |
what
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suspensionrings
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2004 29 November :: 7.03pm
. . . it's there, just under the surface.
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Brad
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2004 29 November :: 3.08pm
:: Mood: bored/tired
:: Music: TBS - Bonus Moshpit Pt. 2
Come on say it is
The parties..they've been real, they've been fun...but they havent been real fun. its dulling, less and less people show. but hey, everything's cool. i've hit rock bottom with eating. yesterday i had to bring back like $2.50 worth of pop bottles. i got 2 6 packs of ramen..a meijer 2 liter, and i had to steal the koolaid...I FUCKING STOLE KOOLAID. then later on me and nate went back for some tortilla's and cheese. wouldnt be my first time stealing cheese. anyway, im just chillin here alone at home. nothing to do, no one's online. i turned in 5 aps yesterday..hopefully i can get my ass a job. i need the money. i owe lots of people, i must pay them back. i wish i had something i could sell, but i aint got shit. well, i guess im off to find something to do. later.
Bradalee
8 huh |
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stinko
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2004 29 November :: 9.33am
Cool.
I am not very good at bowling. It doesn't matter though.
What does matter is that I am good at other things.
Yes.
7 huh |
what
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suspensionrings
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::
2004 28 November :: 4.46pm
& I think, maybe. Maybe this is all an unnecessary cage around me. I repress too much, perhaps.
Having simply broken the first oath and the second. The [seventh? where the hell did the other five go?] seems rather pointless now, but I stick to it for a] lack of any real means to break it, and b] still the vague hope that . . . you know.
Anyway. He might use me to pay for his college education. Who the fuck knows. I've stopped caring about it, really. I'm just waiting to see which way it falls, braced for it either way. & I know that either way, a part of me dies and a part is set free.
And well. To be fair. I'm sort of expecting it to go the one way . . .
And well. To be fair. I've already given up on being his, or anyone's, "one and only." If he decides to marry me, there will be no ceremony. I forbid it. I will not lie, and will not be lied to. It's all for the money. And the chance to be around him for a little while longer. And the chance to.
He loved me once. Regardless of whether he still does, I'll always know that he loves her more. That he'll always, in the back of his mind, want to be with her over anyone. etc.etc. I'll cope. Am. Something.
Nobody gets inside of me anymore. Never again.
what
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suspensionrings
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2004 27 November :: 1.51pm
I'm laughing. I'm laughing.
This Oath has nothing on me.
what
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holiday
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::
2004 27 November :: 8.57am
I now have a second job for sure. I go down to Blythefield on Tuesday. I'm so nervous. I answered the phone and he goes "Hi, this is Chef David calling..."
It was exciting. hahaha. :-)
2 huh |
what
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suspensionrings
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::
2004 27 November :: 2.10am
I have no idea how many "oaths" I've taken, what their full scope is or how un/healthy they may be.
But I know that. The second one. Is just as necessary as the first was. I know that it pulls but that in the end I can no longer . . .
The first was because of an unhealthy obsession, a knowledge that everything I said or did in relation to this person would be of itself flawed, stupid, and probably harmful. Somehow, this situation seems exactly the same. I will watch from the sidelines, but can no longer be a part of it.
I have the miniskirt, the fishnet, the black shirts in a paper bag waiting to be thrown out. Discarding the memories, the signifigance. The sick feeling in gut when I remember my appearence. A car driving by mistook me for a hooker.
Worse case scenario, it'll be maybe another year. Worse case scenario, this revulsion will remain for the rest of my life. Worse case scenario, I grow into the boring little shit I was always afraid to be. But this is so much worse. Somehow.
Shillowe wanted nothing more than to settle down. She was sick of that life. The partying and the fucking and the none of it meaning a damn thing. So she meets this wonderful guy and now there are plans for marriage. If there was hope for her, of all people, perhaps there is hope for me too? I feel stained. Ruined. Tarnished physically by that which taints my soul.
I was always afraid of being used, and yet I walked right into it. Dan had no intentions of simply fucking me when we met. He just thought I was this incredibly geeky chick and . . .
He said, why couldn't I have met you three years ago?
Coming to grips with feeling affection for anyone has never been my strong point. I literally have no idea what I felt for him. Only that I killed it.
For what it's worth, though, he was a good friend.
. . . . And I guess I can see Shillowe's point regarding Benson, as well. But I am easily swayed by a sense of humor and a capacity to brood. And he's a nice guy under all that alchoholism.
Something something something. Dirty little secret. Isn't, but feels like it is. That backlash, that fear. I failed to understand until two weeks before leaving Keesler that yes, I would see Jim. For reeelz.
On the phone, I was crying, and said I wanted nothing more than to be where he was. I said it without thinking, hardly believed myself afterwards. This is such shit, it must be, I don't say things like that. I'm not romantic. I'm incapable of love. This is not a Disney movie.
But I knew it was true. I had, at that point, only known him in person for four days. But I'd missed him from the second he left.
I want to go back to the beach in Biloxi. Walk along it for hours and forget everything but the streets and the sand.
Eventually, Virginia will be a home too. Ghetto or no ghetto. Car or not. Tomorrow, I hit the streets. This may be the shit part of town, but it's mine now. I'll do with it as I please. [egoegoego.i'msoscared,really.]
Tomorrow's the 27th.
. . . I don't feel any older. Just irreperably covered in filth. This is my [November] This is my time of the year.
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fadingfallenstar
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2004 26 November :: 9.03pm
Good things never last.
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suspensionrings
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2004 26 November :: 9.15am
i hate this part of it. the realization that it doesn't matter and i can't speak. mouth shut with iron of my own making. none of them need my shit, i should stop spewing it. etc.etc.
i never mattered to him. i can never matter to her. and you are . . . just out of reach, at best. at worst, proving my suspicions correct.
godammit. i hate this. so much.
what
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suspensionrings
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2004 26 November :: 9.34am
i just want this to not exist anymore.
i just want this to not exist anymore.
i want sleeping pills, but i'd probably o.d. or something. fuck. kill my heart before it kills me?
haligh haligh.
what
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suspensionrings
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::
2004 26 November :: 9.28am
cheshire? or not?
stick to the oath on general principles [ie extend it to everyone . . . this never lasts, i explode eventually and always regret it.] or let go now [and regret it anyway]
no. i think you're right. the oath. the oath.
the question is, what happens when . . .
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