What am I looking for?

Tonight I just feel so confused it's almost like it's frustrating me.

Almost like I'm in the middle of all this string and it's all knotted and I'm trying to untagle it, but it's taking so freakin' long.

I suppose everyone that wants to get married knows what they're looking for. I mean you have this plan of what he'll look like and sound like and feel like. You're so sure that from the very moment you see him, you'll know, because you have his perfect image maped out in your mind.

You know just what you want.

You know what it is that you're looking for.

And then one day, you meet someone. It's strange because you just get this feeling and it catches you off gaurd. This isn't that person that you've dreamed up in your head. This isn't your prince charming. Yet he's absolutly everything you could have even wanted or needed. You're not having to "settle" for something. It's like this perfection almost and this voice in you is screaming "finally."

He's nothing like anything you ever wanted

And yet he's everything you've even wanted

all at the same time.

Maybe it's because you didn't see him coming...or maybe it's because you're still so afraid of being wrong or out smarted, or just fucking loosing this one amazing chance.

God I don't even know what I'm trying to say.

I suppose this is the type of entry that's usually private, but I just need to know that someone else out there understands what I'm talking about.

Does anyone else out there understand?

Trivia Tuesday!!!

Today was the official mixing of my Carrollton and Gwinnett friends. It turned out to be soo super cool!

We got there right at 7 when we were all supposed to meet. While headed for the door Melissa gets a call on her call phone. I hear the person ask for Bekie and I immediatly know it's Jeremy. I was like "It's Jeremy!" and grabbed the phone from her. He was like, "I can hear your voice!" and right before I was gonna say, "Of course you can...we're on the phone!" he was like "Turn to your left," and there he was with Daniel. I was sooo excited and I introduced everyone. When we got inside Brent was like right there at the little hostess tabel thing. He was like "You know these guys? They've been standin' around here forever, I started to think they were the new door gaurds!" Jeremy (or Daniel, because I was only paying attention to what side of my body the sound was coming from) was like, "Yeah, we were gonna come in and ask you if you knew Bekie." Brent came back with, "And I would have been like 'Yeah, of course I know Bekie!'" and then pulled out the pictures I gave him of me from his wallet. I felt all popular and cool. We all sat down and started to talkin'. A little later on in the night Sam arrived and so did Daniel's girlfriend, Emma. We all had such an amazingly awesome time! We named our Trivia Team "We Win" and the best part was we did actually come in 3rd place and won $10 house cash! It was sooo fucking awesome! Eveyone got along and it made me soo amazingly happy. It was just like the best night I've had in a seriously long long time.

There was one down point though....

At one point I made the statement, "Wow, everyone's hitting on me tonight." I wasn't even being serious...I was just playing around. Brent did this little laugh sort of thing and then said "You're concieded." but it was like he was being serious. I mean, it's just this is the first time in my whole entire life that I've felt okay about myself, but I don't want to be full of myself. It really makes me want to just go back to putting myself all the time and even hating myself to the point where it was almost unbearable. To just sort of be safe.

I dunno.

I think I'm just gonna not let it bother me. If I don't think about it, then it won't bother me. I suppose I'll just have to watch what I say from now on.

So tomorrow (actually, today since it's like 12:50) I'm going to play some sort of game that's kinda like tennis but not with Brent. He invented it, I've forgotten the name, but whatever. Evidently it's like the best game ever...but the thing is I don't do sports at all and I am so out of shape it's not even funny. So...we'll see how that works out.

I FUCKING LOVE SPRING BREAK!

I <3 Scott

Scott and I had an excellent time out last night. I was in such a super mood.

We first went out to Jillian's, because that's so the place I go every weekend. We tried to request a waiter but Brent wasn't there...that fucker (yes I like to believe that everyone's life revolves around me.) It was cool though because the server we did have was so super cool. She recognized me from coming in every weekend and so she was extra nice. Scott and I ate as much as we could, but we didn't make it too far. He was like, "Check us out Bekie, we're like the two skinny people in the resturant who can't freakin' eat anything!" So we left and walked around the mall for a bit. Scott said I was 'downing his game' because every girl that looked at him thought we were together. But then again, he didn't want me to look like I wasn't with him, because he thought that would make him look unwanted or something, so he was pretty much screwed either way. We soon discovered that walking around the mall was quite boring so we left.

When we got back into the car I mentioned to Scott that I just happend to have my Anthem CD in my purse and we should listen to it (okay...so I put it in there on purpose because I didn't want to listen to pop or rap, but whatever.) We started to jam out and I told Scott to pick a random highway because I just wanted to drive. He asked me where I wanted to go a couple of times but I told him I had no destination in mind; I just wanted to go. We drove for about an hour. By this time Scott had decided that our destination was his college because he wanted to show me his dorm room and stuff.

We finally got to his college. It was pretty neat and stuff, a lot of construction going on. Scott mentioned several times that he didn't know why we were here because he knew I wouldn't sleep with him and I laughed. So we stayed in his dorm room for about and hour or two.

You know what we did?

We surfed the internet.

That's right...exciting isn't it?! Actually we went through my picture files online (http://photos.yahoo.com/janischick14) and Scott did comentary. It was so funny that I fell out of my chair laughing.

After this we drove back to Gwinnett still rocking out to Antem. We sang along and also had some good conversation about the old days when we were kids. I told Scott that he couldn't ever get a girlfriend because the moment he did I would fall madly in love with him. He asked me if I was serious about that and I laughed. When we got to my house Scott asked me if I really loved him and I said "of course I do Scott" and gave him the biggest hug ever.

Oh how I dig Bekie and Scott times.

And now for the reader's excitement...

SKIRT DAY PICTURE!!!!!!

http://f1.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/janischick14/detail?.dir=/4ff5&.dnm=3828.jpg

And tonight I will be getting my tattoo...ohh so exciting!



*While listening to Anthem's 'Midnight Girl'*

"Bekie, you're my midnight girl!" (winks) -Scott

"But Scott, it's only 7:59." -Me

Photos

I'll have a real update later on today or maybe tomorrow after I have my fun night out with Scott.

But since I'm sitting here with nothing to do, I figured I'd leave a link to my yahoo photo page so everyone can see what I and all of my friends look like...

http://photos.yahoo.com/janischick14

Let me mention that I look exceptionaly ugly in all of these bad boys...I don't usually look so ugly in real life, just so you know.

And now I do believe I will leave you with some stuff from the good old quote book.



-"Guys always keep hope alive for sex!" Nick

-"Just because there are a lot of skinny bitches doesn't mean that's average!" Melissa

-"He loves you! You shouldn't worry about the old bitch." Mom

-"This thing is massive. I can hardly fit it into my mouth." Scott

-"Anythings open if you have a brick!" Nick

-"The crazy torch has been passed on to Bekie." Daniel

-"Take a dime-sized look at that guy." Brent

-"He wants you to stay at his house!" Melissa

"He just wants to get laid." Sam

"It's the skirt." Me

"Yeah, everyone wants to have sex with you on skirt day!" Sam

-"Taco Bell and the sex shop...put those two hands together, and you've got a good combination." Brent

-"You made truckers horny...shame on you!" Melissa

-"Bekie's the ultimate drug! You can be addicted and never have withdrawl!" Scott.

We're Going to the Anthem Show Tonight

Okay, so we really went last night...but that's a lyric to one of their songs, and I'm a dork....I couldn't resist.

I don't know what was up with me yesterday...but I will relive the events with all the happiness I wanted to feel at those moments.

To start things off I woke up at 8:30 in the morning and couldn't seem to fall back asleep. I was like "What the hell is up with this?!?! It's saturday!!" So I got up, ate a cupcake, then went back into my room and got into bed and made myself go back to sleep. The next time I woke up it was 2:40 and I was like, "That's more like it." I lazed about for a while, because we weren't gonna leave for the show for a while. When I finally started to get ready, I just couldn't seem to get as cute as I wanted. My hair simply refused to work with me, which kinda pissed me off. But I figured, "Fuck that! I have a super cool knitted hat that I can wear, and still look so cool." Around 5 Melissa and Nick came over and we went to Melissa's house. She dyed her hair and I sat about trying to find little things to amuse myself. We didn't leave for the actual show until like around 8 or so. So we're ready to go...we all get into the car...and then Nick's like, "So how do we get there?" So we all get out of the car and go back inside to get directions. We didn't get lost...but we had a hell of a time getting there. And we had a hell of a time finding parking.

So finally, we arive at the 9 Lives Saloon. Just so happens that this place is 21 and over. I'm 19 and Melissa is 18. We got in anyway, but they had to mark us...so everyone would know that we couldn't drink. Oh well, I had no intentions of drinking in the first place. That's not the part that kinda ticked me off. Melissa and I had to pay a cover charge of 10 bucks each, and of course I'm the only one with any cash. I was kinda pissed...but not amazingly pissed. So we're there, in this bar, and there is no sign of Brent whatsoever. We figured what the hell, it's only 8:30, and they don't go on until 11, so we got some food. Nick payed for me since I paid for everyone to get into the fucking bar in the first place. The food wasn't too good. I honestly can't say what was wrong with me last night. I went through so many mood swings; half the time I just sat there looking off into space. While trying my best to enjoy my Philly Cheese Steak, somebody comes up behind me and grabs me. I'm thinking, "Okay, either we've found Brent, or some fucking drunk guy is about to get it right in the balls." Of course, it was just Brent. The first thing that Melissa said was, "Did you know we had to pay a cover charge to get in here??" I was like, "Wait a minute...we? I was the only one with any cash!" Brent asked how much and Melissa said still in her very pissed off tone, "10 bucks each!!" Brent, being the good guy he is, pulls out a 20 and give it to me. We chatted a bit. He seemed so amazingly excited that we showed. I tried my best to seem really interested in what everyone was saying, but it was hard. I seemed like we had to wait forever for Anthem to go on.

Finally we merged into the room where the bands played. We sat up front, because Brent said we had to. The show was fucking amazing. Their stage presence absolutly blew me away. I can honestly say, this is the best show I've ever been to (note: for the interest of the reader, Bekie has been to a total of 5 concerts in her life, including this one...2 of those were concerts that Bekie was forced to attend my her mother as a child.) The thing is everyone thought I had a shitty time because I was just sitting there...but really...it fucking rocked. That's all I can sum up into words...because it's just like too much to say. I just rocked...yeah..it was awsome. There were some great quotes that I got during the show. At one part Melissa yelled to me, "I've never seen a straight man dance like that before!" I think my absolute favortie part was when Brent pulls this guy (he knew him) out of the crowd to sing this song with him. In the middle of the song Brent just leaves to go and get a gin and tonic and leaves the guy up there singing. So here's this guy, on stage, with a beer in his hand, just singing away. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. There were some times when things somewhat when wrong...like the bass guitar and the mics got unplugged several times throughout the show, but the way they handeled it was so awsome. It was like being up there was the most natural thing in the world. As a musician myself, I absolutly love that. We even got free little CDs.

So...Bekie's review of the Anthem show:

It rocked. If you're ever in Atlanta and they're playing, definatly go and see them...even if you do have to pay 10 bucks.

Not only does Anthem kick ass live, they also bring families together.

Today my daddy had to take me back to Carrollton. As I have before mentioned, we're going through a kinda ruff time. When he asked me where I went last night...I just flat out told him the truth. He seemed pretty cool with it. When he asked how the show was, I told him it was awsome, and then I decided to let him listen to the CD. The first thing we listened to was a cover of "Never Been to Spain." My dad loved it. So all the way back to Carrollton my dad and I sang along to Anthem. It was awsome.

So in conculsion, I love Brent and his band, because they made me and my daddy have an awsome afternoon.

Ohh, go to their website too!

http://anthemrock.cjb.net

Skirt Day Lives Again!

Yesterday was skirt day. In some ways in was wonderful, and in some ways in was heartbreaking.

But I'm supposing that first, you're all wondering what skirt day is...

Skirt Day is this thing I used to do once a year in high school. It is well known that I never wear skirts or make-up unless I have to. But on skirt day I would pull all the stops out, make-up, skirt, pretty hair, everything. When asked why I was doing this, I would reply, "You've seen me in a skirt...now you can die happy."

Since I've met a lot of new people recently, I figured I would bring skirt day back so that they can all die happy to. For half of skirt day I felt awsomly pretty...which is strange because I always feel stupid and all made up on skirt day. Melissa took me out and we tried on hot clothes...that I actually wanted to buy. It's so amazing just to feel good about yourself, and I did. Eventually the high heels were really starting to get to my feet. This really put me into a pissy mood and I just wanted to go and sit down somewhere. We stopped by Jillian's to say hi to Brent. He informed us that was his last day working there, and that made me kinda sad because now I'm never going to see him again. So with the tension of skirt day and a million other things on my mind I sat down in Jillian's and cried and cried and cried. It was cool though, Melissa and Sam were there. They're such awsome friends...they took care of me. Eventually I stopped crying and I ate some cake. It was much tastey. I had some alcohol too. It was also much tastey....not enough to do anything though. I'm a careful drinker. While this was going on Brent mentioned that we should go see his band play. I figured why the hell not, then that can be the last time I ever see him. So tonight, we will hopefully see his band play, and say goodbye. After sitting and talking for a while at Jillian's I felt much better...because I have awsome friends. So when we left everything was happy and good again. I told Brent it was so sad, he was leaving and I would never see him again. He told me of course I would see him again or something like that. After that our group (Melissa, Nick, Sam, and Me) made a collective decision to go to Target. I rode with Same. We had much laughter and fun. When we got there Sam pushed me around in the buggy, and Melissa and I picked out hot clothes to wear to the concert. She bought me a knitted hat and some super cool jeans, which I heart her affectionatly for. After this we headed back to Melissa's and watched Back to the Future 3, which was soo super awsome.

In even more exciting new I got an e-mail from my dearest and lovely Teresa. She mentioned that we should do something great and amazing over the summer...like a road trip. I would so be all up for this. I have always wanted to go on a road trip...in fact it's on my list of things to do before I die. This fills me with lovely things.

So tongiht I will get my rock on....I suppose I'll fill you in on that one later.

I'm am the luckiest person ever

I really am.

I came to this conclusion while walking to my dorm room today.

You know there are so many shitty people in this world. You have to be careful because it's so easy to get tangled up with them. I should know because I've been tangled up with severeal shitty people in my life time. In fact I just got rid of one of them last november.

The thing is, despite the fact that there are a lot of shitty people out there, there's always those great and amazing people that you just feel so lucky to know. God, you're lucky to know them, but you're even luckier if you befriend them. Those are the people that you love to such a degree that it makes you really want to break down and cry. It such a beautiful and amazing people.

I am the luckiest person in the world, because all of my friends are those type of people.

They are the true meaning of a beautiful person.

There are so many things I feel like I've been waiting for, and now it's like I've found them all...or most of them at least.

So to everyone out there who is my friend, thankyou. Thankyou so much for making me feel so blessed.



Here's some lyrics that I'm feeling right now:

Maybe it's intuition
but some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant
And there it goes,
I think I found my best friend
I know that it might sound
more than a little crazy
but I believe...

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes, I see
the missing pieces I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home
I know that it might sound
more than a little crazy
but I believe...

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life





I've never felt this happy.