Real Update

Saturday was one of those interesting days.

I believe I'll tell you all about it.

I got up at 8:30 in the morning to go to the dentist. Evidetnly I didn't chip my tooth, my filling just fell out. I felt like the biggest dork ever. The guy who redid my filling was super awsome though. I didn't feel a thing. After that my daddy and I went to the store and had some good old father daughter times. I love father daughter times. We finished shopping and then I had to go back to the dentist for a cleaning. I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled...ick.

Later that day my daddy and I went out shoe shopping. It was a secret because my step-mom would have gotten pissed off if she found out. So we get there and I immediatly head for the converses because I adore them. Daddy hated the converses and said I couldn't wear them anymore because they were bad for my arches or something like that. I got mad and told him I didn't want any shoes.

We left the store not speaking.

We didn't speak for a long time.

Later that night he and my step-mom went out. Daddy and I still weren't talking. She was out in the car and he came over and threw $40 on the table in front of me. I asked him, "What's this for." He said I might need it. As soon as he walked out the door I started to cry really hard. I felt like the most rotten daughter ever. It was so stupid that I let my emotions get so out of hand over a stupid pair of shoes.

This is what has brought me to the decision not to come home on the weekends anymore.

I mean my father and I get along so great. If this is going to lead us to fighting and not speaking then it's not worth it. Nothing is worth jepordizing our relationship. Just thinking about that makes me sick to my stomach.

I suppose I didn't help much with what I did next.

I went out with Melissa and Nick, and of course we went to Jillian's.

We waited for over an hour for a table with Brent, because evidently we love him that much.

Nick and Melissa made me laugh a lot and by the end of the night I had almost forgotten about the whole home situation. I did bring it up with Brent while he was sitting with me when Melissa and Nick were away. He said he's going to come up with a solution by this weekend, because he's a "genius" and "magic." I cannot wait to hear this one.

So I have to wait for Brent's great and amzing idea before I know if I'm coming home or not.

My daddy is just so awsome. He knew I went to Jillian's on Friday. He just laughed about it.

Wanted

I have wandered far and wide

For something real something to die for

But I have found you and you do not see

All that is me, all that is true

And I am more than you will see

I am more than you will need

I am more than you will see

More than wanted

As you float the flimsy surface

You should know life lies beneath this

And don't pretent you feel what I feel

You live illusion and I'm real

I am more than you will see

I am more than you will need

I am more than you will see

More than wanted

I know, I know

You like the way you feel when I play

I know, I know

You don't really hear what I say

I know, I know

You are waiting for something to raid

I know, I know

You are wish you could be more than you say

I have wandered far and wide

For something real, something to die for

But I have found you and you do not see

All that is me, all that is true

I am more than you will see

I am more than you will need

I am more than you will see

More than wanted

More than you'll love

More than you'll hate

More than you'll hold

More than wanted

More than you'll crave

More than you'll cherish

More than you'll have

More than wanted



gee, that felt nice

What I did today:

First Emily and I ate breakfast. I had a chocolate muffin...it was much tastey. Next I took a Music Theory test...evidently it was a midterm, but I didn't know this until like 4 hours after I had taken the stupid thing. Oh well, hope I did okay.

Around noon I found that I had chipped one of my back teeth on something...don't know what. It doesn't hurt but I'm going to the dentist tomorrow to get it checked out.

In bad news my daddy said that he doesn't want me going to Jillian's anymore. He thinks I'm "chasing" after Brent and "really annoying him."

I went to Jillian's today anyway. I informed Brent that I might just have to stop coming to see him, so in a way tonight was my goodbye. When I left he informed me that that was complete bullshit and that he would see me next weekend. Well, we'll see.

I need a place to stay. I don't like my parents house.

I'm so tired of feeling bad about myself...

so I'm not gonna do it anymore.

I'm so glad that's taken care of.

It's Snowing!!!!!!!

That's right...it's snowing in Georgia! How cool is that?!?!

I found that it was snowing at 3AM, when we had another lovely fire alarm. When Alyssa and I found that it was snowing outside, we went back into the dorm room and put pillows over our heads and went back to sleep. Man, that fire alarm is really loud.

I was kinda sad that I wasn't at home for the snow. I have a tradition at home everytime it snows that I didn't get to do this year. When I discover it's snowing I run outside onto my driveway in my pjs and yell, "Yay! It's snowing!" Then I yell, "Holy shit! It's cold out here!" and run back inside. It's really great.

I'm feeling a bit icky about myself today. I'm having such boy problems.

I want to say one thing...

but then what if that's wrong.

But will my heart let me be wrong.

Geeeze I just don't know.

Things every living person should know about Bekie:

1. Bekie has a loud mouth

2. Bekie has no idea how to flirt

3. Bekie's mother is a drug addict. She only sees her about every eight months, when her mom feels the need to bond. She's not too fond of her most of the time, but she deals with it.

4. Sometimes Bekie just gets these feelings about things. She can't explain them half of the time...it's sort of like intuition.

5. Bekie likes animals

6. Bekie likes it when guys hug her and then pick her up only if they can do it right. Evidently it's in the waist.

7. Bekie's a really touchy person

8. Bekie's sort of a kleptomaniac, but it's okay because she tells you when she's stealing your stuff, and then won't steal it if you don't want her to.

9. Bekie isn't sure if she's going to continue to come home on the weekends. Her parents aren't too happy about the situation, but then her friends there always want her to come home, and that makes her feel very specail.

10. Bekie realizes that a lot of people don't like her at this point in her life...but she's cool with that...screw them.

11. Bekie is a music major

12. Music is like life to Bekie. She digs a lot of it.

13. Bekie cries a lot more now than she ever has, but she's okay with that too.

14. If Bekie hits you in a playful manner, that means she loves you. In fact that's her signal that she's really comforatable with you.

15. Bekie's signal that she really really loves you and you are an awsome person is the forehead kiss. All of Bekie's super cool friends have recieved a forehead kiss at least once. If you believe that you are one of Bekie's super cool friends and you have not recieved a forehead kiss, just ask her about it. Even now as she's typing this, she's thinking that there might be a couple of super cool friends that she's overlooked.

16. Bekie has wanted to perform all of her life. She feels that the stage is her home.

17. Bekie has nowhere to live at the given moment. (Meaning she has no real home...she's sort of a drifter.)

18. Bekie fears rejectioin

19. Bekie has thrown the boy outline out the window; it doesn't work. So boys of all types, flock towards Bekie!

20. Bekie likes college, as in the people she's met. Bekie doesn't like college, as in the school part.

21. You can hit on Bekie all day long, and she'll never realize it.

22. At resturants, Bekie eats the same thing every time (except for at Jillian's...she likes to switch things up there.) So if you're getting some food and you think Bekie might want some, just order her what she ordered last time. She will love you for it.

23. Bekie hates her laugh...and her smile.

24. Bekie believes that her life is headed for great and amazing things.

25. Bekie will do almost anything if there is money involved ( this means she'll eat a whole cake...not have sex with you.)

26. Bekie thinks she might start selling her kisses...because she thinks that would be funny.

27. Melissa always seems to know what Bekie's thinking...sometimes that really freaks her out...but other times it's quite nice.

28. Bekie thinks it's really, really funny when guys fight over her, because it like never happens.

29. Bekie uses her hands a lot when she talks

30. Bekie likes to tell stories.

31. Bekie doesn't have too many friends, but the ones she does have completely rock.

32. This one time, Bekie was watching T.V. and this guy was in a band, and he liked this girl, so he brought her up on stage and sang her this love song and then he kissed her. Bekie thought this was like the most awsome thing ever and yelled at the TV "Now that's romance!"

33. Bekie has a geek club. What? You're not a member?!? You should talk to her about that, because everyone wants to be a memeber of her geek club.

34. Bekie has a list of things to do before she dies. This is not at all morbid.

35. Bekie was really sad all last year. She didn't talk to a lot of people and stayed in her room a lot.

36. Bekie typically hates birthdays...but 19 rocked, so she might have to change her mind.

37. Bekie's single...for all you hot men out there who are intersted.

38. When Bekie was 13, she told her father that she was going to marry a rock star one day. He got mad.

39. Sometimes it's really easy to hurt Bekie's feelings...easier than you think.

40. If Bekie's crying, what she really needs are hugs and kisses. She needs to know that you are there for her and that you care...no matter what she telles you at the given moment.

41. Bekie's favorite word is fuck.

42. Sometimes Bekie still thinks she's gonna marry a rock star, because come on...that would so kick ass.

43. Bekie's favorite number is 14

44. Bekie was born with red hair and blue eyes...that didn't last long.

45. Bekie likes white roses.

46. For the first time in her life, Bekie feels good about herself

47. Bekie thinks that if you don't dance spontaniously, you've never lived.

48. Bekie think it's okay to burn in public

49. When Bekie gets tipsy she picks out random men to make out with, but never actually makes out with them

50. Bekie will talk to almost anybody. She likes people.

Bekie Digs:

Her awsome friends

Chocolate

Singing

Making websites

Homestar Runner

Bad Dancing

Rock music

Converse shoes

Cherry Almond smell

Staying out late

The word "awsome"

Hugs

Kisses



Okay...that's all I can think of for now.

I might come back with more later.

White Rose (my tattoo)

This is what I've decided on, because it's sort of symbolic.

Lemme fill you in.

There are these rose bushes outside of my parent's house. They've been there since before I can remember...I think even before I was born. One is a red rose bush and the other is a white rose bush. Every year around my birthday they start to bloom. I used to always believe it was my special birthday present. The white roses were always my favoirte. I thought to myself that I was very much like the little white rose bud. On the outside it was so ugly and rough, but when you pealed that away it was lovely and soft. I always told myself that one day I would bloom just like the little bloom and then I could say I was really a beautiful person.

I've noticed in recent years that all the white rose buds die before they ever get the chance to bloom.

I told Melissa this story on my birthday. I was like, "Isn't that kinda sad?" She was like, "Yeah it is." During dinner while we were discussing my tattoo Melissa suddenly comes in with, "A white rose. You should get a white rose." I asked, "Why do you think that?" She said, "Because you're getting out of your house. You're becoming your own person. You've bloomed." I told her I had always thought I would bloom the day that I became a beautiful person. She said, "But Bekie, you are a beautiful person." I wanted to cry.

There are so many things that I'm unsure and so confused about right now. This whole soul mate thing and the fear of being wrong about everything I believe in. I still let my step-mom rule over me with that fear. I understand that now. One day she won't have that hold over me anymore though. I can fell it coming, like I can feel so many other great things in store for me.

I'm so unsure.

But theere is one thing I do know,

I refuse to die a blossom.

Bonding with my sister

Today I did some of that. It was super fun!

Nikie (my little sister, age 14) had before mentioned that she really wanted to go to Jillian's with me sometimes. So for this weekend I had it all planned out. Of course something happened and I didn't think we were gonna get to go. I thought that until this morning when my step-mom agreed to drive us. It was super cool.

So we got to Jillian's. I said I wanted to request a server and the guy at the desk was like, "I know...Brent" and I was like "I need to meet new servers." Of course Brent was shocked to see me. I had told him last night that I wasn't going to come and see him again so he called me a dirty liar. I always thought I was quite a clean liar...but whatever. Nikie and I had some super cool sister conversations. Some of them got quite in depth. I happened to mention that I might be staying in Carrollton for the weekends. Nikie said she would hate it if I did that because she would really miss me. Brent was like "You can't do that...you'll never get to come and see me!" I sarcastically replied that of course I would come home...just for Brent. I suppose I will continue to come home anyway. I'll just have to wait and see.

This leads me to my next point...

Evidently this week you're supposed to do some random nice thing for someone else.

This is what I have done.

Just now I went into Nikie's room and she was crying. She said my step-mom told her that the most she would ever amount to in life was a hair dresser because she could never make it into college. I had the sudden urge to walk in there and tell her that she couldn't say things like that to her. That just because she wanted to talk shit about me and Nikie didn't mean it was true. I knew that if I did say those things though, I would never be allowed back into this house again most likely. And then I remembered telling Brent I would continue to come home just for him. So for Brent (not really just him...Melissa, Nick, Scott, and everyone else here that I love) I kept my mouth shut.

So there you go all my lovely Gwinnett friends.

Enjoy!

I've never felt so all alone

Scott and I went off together tonight. It was really good seeing him again. Just like two old friends going out to eat...which is what it was.

We went to Jillian's. We started to talk about all this serious stuff and I started to cry. I told Scott that I just didn't want people to hate me. Brent said "If you hate Bekie raise your hand...see...nobody's raising their hand."

I wanted to raise mine.

But I don't think I hate myself....

I'm just so lost in some ways and it's so frusrtating right now.

I tried to call Melissa because I really needed someone to talk to about everything I'm feeling right now. She passed the phone onto Nick. I just told him I had to go. I didn't want to bother them anymore.

I've never felt so all alone

I feel my heart inside me breaking

How long must I endure this pain

And still my spirit goes on aching

Oh God please hear my prayer

I need to know that you are there

I've never felt so all alone



I just don't know what's wrong with me tonight.

Soul Mate

Does anyone believe in that?

Are you supposed to just know when you meet him? Like "That's the man I'm going to marry" just because your heart tells you. Because it's coursing through you so strongly you have no choice but to believe it. But then what if that's wrong?

I've always wanted to believe there was one other person out there in the world who was made just for me. In the last few years I've become afraid though. With people telling me I'll never get married, that got stuck in my head. I'm so afraid of being alone for the rest of my life.

I'm 19 years old and I've never had a real boyfriend

How sad

I've had two guys ask me out as of recent.

It's just that I feel like I should be waiting for something. I should just hold on...I'm sort of perhaps..well i've got this feeling like i should be waiting for someone else.

I want someone who will understand me...who will love me because I'm Bekie, and to him that means I'm amazing.

Last night I thought that maybe my perfect man doesn't exist.

He's not real.

Now why won't my heart let me really believe that?



So Jimmy, Oh Jimmy

Don't you know

What I can't quite confess?

So coax me

Implore me

I promise you won't bore me

Oh Jimmy, I might say yes

Fire Alarm

So I'm sitting in the quite room...getting my internet on...when the fire alarm goes off.

Now let me inform you on the beautiful thing that is the Roberts Hall fire alarm. The fire alarm often times feels that 2 in the morning is a super time for an alarm. This one went off at about 12:15.

So I'm standing outside...all by my lonesome. You see Alyssa had decided to stick this one out...see how long she could endure it inside (in other words she did the smart thing.) So anyway I'm outside for a good 30 minutes just standing there. All of the sudden this guy comes up to me out of nowhere. He's like, "Is lonliness your usual companion?" I was like, "Nope, my usual companion is inside with a pillow over her head." He mentioned something about them checking rooms. I told him I knew they were checking rooms and I was gonna go in and warn her, but then I figured I'd get caught inside, and then I'd be pissed. The next thing I know this guy is pulling out his cell phone and asking for my number. He calls the room and leaves a message on the machine for Al. She came out a few minutes later (during this period I had a little chat with strange guy). The minute she gets outside the fire alarm goes off. So we all go back inside.

That's my excitement for the night. I know...I know....I have such an interesting life.

THE BIG 19 part 3

This isn't really a "part 3" but I've found this song that reminds me of my birthday toast. It's called "Where Do You Go" Here's to liberation...

Where do you go
When you walk out the door
When you get in the car and turn on the motor
And drive down the driveway
And finally finally go
But where, that's the part I don't know
But I know there's something out there
Something more than this

You head for the nearest highway
You go for the closest toll
You get on some six lane
Eight lane, ten lane and you roll
Although you don't know where you're going
Still you roll
And you know there's something out there
Something more than this
Somewhere there's a door that is open
Somewhere there's a room that is warm
Somewhere there's a light that they leave on every night
Just in case you're afraid of the storm

So you drive to the end of the highway
And you look for an exit to take
There are names spinning by that you're dying to try
But you're frightened to make a mistake
And so you let the moments slip past
You run out of gas at last
And you think to yourself
There must be something out there
I know there's something out there

Something more than this
Something more than this



To find this song go to http://gavincreel.cjb.net

It's under Harold and Maude the musical

It's worth listening to

THE BIG 19 part 2

I had my "birthday gathering" (as I like to call it) last night.

The first place we headed was Jillian's (of course.) It was just me, Melissa, and Nick. Sam couldn't come because he had some sort of uncle in town or something to that nature. When we got there Melissa showed me the cake she bought me. It was a Lord of the Rings cake. Ahhh...it was sooooo cool! It had Frodo and Sam and a Bag End and everything! It was the coolest cake ever!! Brent was our server. He asked me how old I was. Evidently he didn't know that I'm only 19. He thought it was my 21st birthday and he was gonna buy me some alcohol. But since I'm only 19 he didn't buy me any alcohol....the only thing I could think was "damn...should've lied." He did give me some sort of something drink....i dunno what it was...but it was tastey. I let Melissa order my meal, which turned out not to be the best idea. She ordered shrimp. You see I don't like sea food, because my mother and I used to eat sea food, and I don't like my mother. Melissa wants me to like sea food, so she ordered shrimp, but it was bad shrimp, so it didn't work, and I didn't get to eat it, unfortunatly. Next they brought out the cake. Melissa arranged 19 candles and started to light them. I was like "These flames are getting really high! I should blow some out before it becomes a major fire hazard!" The thing is...they were those trick candle that you can't blow out. So before you know it they're melted down a bit and my cake is pretty much on fire. I started freaking out, but being the quick thinker I am...I had a plan. I started blowing on each candle while picking it up and then I threw it in my somthing drink. That seemed to work and finally we got all the candles out. There was a lot of smoke and we drew a lot of attention. Lucky for me, the cake was okay. Everyone ate some...even the servers. Later on in the night some things made me sad and I had to take Melissa in the bathroom and talk about it. When we came by out we passed by Brent. Before I got the chance to walk by he picked me up and yelled "Happy Birthday!" But the thing is, he kinda picked me up really low, so he was sort of grabbing my ass and his face was all up in my boobs. I screamed and when he put me back down I said, "Wow, you completly got a face full of boob." Evidently this hurt his feelings or something and Melissa said I was mean, but he yelled happy birthday right in my boobs! I mean they were like vibrating and I felt I needed to mention it to him. We had a tattoo meeting, I think we have come up with what I'm going to get. My tattoo is my birthday present from Melissa. I sometimes like to believe that Melissa is just crazy, because next she's like "You should try and pick up Brent. If you don't you don't get your tattoo." With my tattoo on the line....pshhh of course I'm gonna try and pick him up. It didn't work out too well. I just sort of ended up dragging him across the floor. It works out much bettter when he picks me up...because I'm smaller. So after that we left and went to Melissa's house and watched Back to the Future 2. Sam stopped by for a little and had some cake. After the movie Nick drove me home.

This is what I wanna know... why was there so much fire during my birthday?

I'll know when my love comes along

I won't take a chance

My love will be just what I need

Not some fly by night broadway romance

Until then I will wait

Until then I'll be strong

For I'll know when my love comes along

THE BIG 19 part 1 2/13/2004
YESTERDAY WAS MY BIRTHDAY!

YAY!

Here's how it went...

My day started off pretty normal. Went to class, got the occasional "happy birthday." It was pretty good. I failed my history test completely. It was one of those things where I just sorta went "yeah...that answer looks good." When I finished my first round of classes I made a quick stop by the dorm room. Got a call from my sister and a overly horrid rendition of happy birthday from her. I couldn't chat long because I had voice lessons. When I returned to the dorm room again Alyssa and Ryan were inside and yelled "happy birthday" the minute I walked in the door. The next thing I know I'm bring sprayed with silly string. Yeah...I screamed...a lot. I got candy and a super cool punch bag thingy from Al.

That night I went to my Music App. class where I had another test. This is the class I share with Daniel and Darshena...we have good times. We all usually walk together back to the dorm rooms, but Daniel brought his car so he was goona give us a ride. He asked us to wait while he went to his locker. I'm chattin' it up with Darshena, when next thing I know, Daniel comes over with cupcakes. I was so overwhelmed I had to hug everyone in sight. It was sooo sweet of him! So we took the cupcakes outside and lit the candles. They all sang happy birthday to me and we ate the cupcakes. The best part was....Darshena decided to set her's on fire. Then I got a ride home with Daniel and Darshena.

Silly string

Punching Bag thingy

Candy

Flaming Cupcakes

This was like the best birthday ever



Tonight I have my shindig with my Lawrenceville folk...

so tune in for THE BIG 19 part 2



i <3 birthdays

Not really an update

I'm not really gonna write a lot. I've had another horrid weekend. There was another thing with my step-mom saying bad things about me. I cried, left the house, came back to the house and then cried some more. My sister cried because she isn't used to me crying so she thought I was going to kill myself or some crap like that. I've come to some decisions though and I'm happy about that at least.

So to make it short, last weekend is not worth writing about.

I'm happy again

And greatest of all....

wait for it....

wait for it....

THURSDAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

I can feel that this year is going to be so super awsome. I expect lots of hugs and kisses and showers of money....but I will settle for just hugs and kisses...ohh and happy birthday wishes too!

Life is good <3

My weeked sucked

Yeah...it did.

Lemme fill you in.

Okay...first off my mom wanted to hang out with me...which is never cool. I took her to Jillian's. She was civil, even though she hit on Brent like he was the last male on earth. When we got into the car she went on about how God must want me to be a nun since I can get a nice guy to at least hit on me. She told me she couldn't figure out what my problem is.

My step-mom and I also had a blow out last weekend. She told me she's shocked by my behavoir. I'm hanging out with my mother at bars and I'm not even going to church anymore. It really made me mad because I do go to church and I wasn't at a bar. It's like she's trying to upset me. Well all she really did at that point was piss me off so after she left the house I cussed at the walls and threw things. The next morning was much worse. She never woke me up to go to church and there was just this collection of other crap and in the end I was crying so hard I could barely breath.

I called Melissa.

She and Nick came and saved me.

I am forever grateful for this.

They took me to Jillian's. I wasn't actually too fond of that idea because I was all blotchy and nasty from crying so much. When we got there Brent did one of those hug things where the dude picks you up. It was so crazy because I had just been thinking about how much I missed those a few days ago. I was so shocked at his ability to read my mind that I ended up hitting him (while i was still in mid air) and yelling "How did you know?????" I lost all ability of speach besides that. I stayed for like 30 minutes then left again. I gave Nick and Matt forehead slap/kisses and Brent gave me one more awsome hug. Then Melissa and I danced in the parking lot for a good ten minutes.

It was like the giant eraser of life came and took all my bad away.

My friends are soo awsome.

You know...I think I'm starting to back out of this whole tattoo deal. I mean I still don't know what I want and I want it in one area but then what if that gets all streached out and nasty later on in life. Geeeze! I dunno....I can't decided at the given moment.