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2003 27 October :: 10.17 pm
:: Mood: worried
As long as he needs me
I know where I must be
I cling on steadfastly
As long as he needs me
As long as life is long
I'll love him right or wrong
And somehow I'll be strong
As long as he needs me
If you are lonely
Then you will know
When someone needs you
You love him so
I won't betray his trust
Though people say I must
I've got to stay true just
As long as he needs me
I think that sums it up for the family and other people who don't understand why I'm doing this.
love me |
::
2003 24 October :: 11.22 pm
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Color Blind
SHALLIGATOR...OHHH 10/24/2003
I had to put this up here. This is a story that my friend from church, Derek, wrote. It's soo super cool...and I save the day.
SHALLIGATOR
The ferry chugged placidly along the azure water, a myriad of
colorful
fish darting this way and that. Just ahead was a large building
surrounded
by a rusty barbwire fence. The vessel edged warily into the building’s
harbor.
“This place is a dump,” murmured Danny Smith as he and his little
brother Oliver stepped down from the boat and onto a rickety dock with
the
rest of the guests.
“Welcome to Aqua Land,” a young tour guide greeted, “My name is
Bekie.
I’ll be taking you through the park today. To get started, we’ll go
into the
main arena.”
“Come on, Ollie. Hurry up,” Danny ordered with a twinge of apathy.
Oliver followed obediently. Soon they found themselves at the arena.
Before
they entered, Bekie began to give more instructions. Danny rolled his
eyes.
“We are about to see what we like to call the Shalligator. It is
our
latest addition to the park. It is half Great White shark and half
American
alligator. It has taken years of hard work and genetics research, but
our
scientists have finally pulled it off. Please, no flash photography or
sudden movements. Our animal is very easily angered and we don’t want
to
have any accidents.” She nudged the door open and they trudged
nervously
inside. Directly in front of them was the massive shalligator enclosed
in a
large tank with a small island in the middle.
“Can we leave now, Danny? I’m scared,” Oliver whined.
“You’re the one that wanted to come here. We’re staying.”
“I’m Michelle,” someone in a diving suit called down to the crowd
nearly thirty feet below her. “ I’ll be showing a feeding
demonstration.”
She stepped onto a plank which extended above the tank.
“Today, I’ll be feeding it a mixture of fish and seal. Seal is its
favorite.” Michelle teetered directly above the monstrosity now. It
began to
circle the tank, knowing what was about to happen. Once it was on their
side
of the tank, Danny and Oliver could distinctly discriminate its sleek
figure
from the murky water. The beast’s webbed claws, swaying whip of a tail,
and
gaping mouth was too much for little Oliver. He averted his attention
to a
fat tourist in the corner. As he was watched, the balding man pulled a
disposable camera out of the pocket of his khaki shorts.
“Sir, please-” Bekie started. But it was too late. Click. The
Shalligator turned gracefully towards the direction of where the
flashing
light came from. A twisted, horrible grin transformed its snout, even
more
vexed-looking that usual.
“WOAH!” Michelle lost her balance and tumbled forward as the
Shalligator rammed into the wall of its watery cell. Splash. Michelle’s
screams reverberated off the walls of the fiberglass tank. She
vehemently
swam towards the island, which seemed an eternity away.
The crowd gasped and stared as the monster closed in for the kill
with
great sagacity, never losing sight of its prey.
Michelle suddenly felt a wave of acute pain reaching from her
thigh to
her ankle. The water around her swirled in a dancing cloud of scarlet.
She
sputtered as her lungs began to throb. She could not make it any
longer. She
gave up and leaned back just as the Shalligator swam up from below,
ripping
and dragging her around in a hazy whirlwind. Her vision began to fail.
Voices became inaudible. She blacked out.
Everyone outside the tank stood in shock as the mad killer began
circling the bloody tank again. Bekie ran to the water controls located
in a
far corner of the arena and began to twist one of the valves in attempt
to
drain the tank and let the scaly creature dry out until it died. In her
haste, she accidentally turned it in the wrong direction. When she
realized
this, she immediately tried to turn it back the other way, but it
snapped
before she could, falling to the ground with a loud clank. The tank
began to
fill up with even more water. Soon, it would overflow.
“Everyone, please stay calm! We’ve got to get out of here! The
tank is
about to overflow!” Oliver began to sob loudly.
“Danny, are we gonna be okay?!” he asked. Danny did not respond.
He was
not so sure that they would. The frantic group scrambled out the front
door.
“What can we do now?,” he asked Bekie.
“Well, we need to get to the boats at the dock.”
BAM! Everyone was started by the door being thrown to the side by
a
gush of roaring water. In the doorway was the Shalligator, baring its
spiky
teeth. In an act of revenge, the amphibious fiend lunged at its nearest
victim, the man with the camera.
“HELP ME!” he screamed desperately. The Shalligator’s long tail
slapped
the air, making a loud “POP!”. The Shalligator released the middle-aged
man,
his right leg and arm a mangled mess. Danny scooped up Oliver and ran
after
Bekie, who was already halfway down the hill leading to the harbor.
When they got there, they hopped into the closest motorboat.
“I’ve got an idea.” Bekie fumbled with a key-ring in her pocket.
She
finally started the boat and sped a little way out into the harbor.
Danny
could just barely see the outline of the 15-foot-long terror slinking
into
the water by moonlight. As it approached, its fin sliced the top of the
water. The rumbling of the engine attracted it, as Bekie knew it would.
Danny glanced around. The creature disappeared.
Whoosh! The boat was catapulted up into the air by the monster
lurking
underneath. As it came down, the motor met the monster’s skin, spewing
bits
of it in every direction. The park was silent except for Oliver’s
cries. I’m
sure that they would not have been so calm had they known that four
more of
the beasts were hatching in the laboratory right about then…..
hope you like it! :0)
yay! I killed the shalligator. Yeah...that would never happen in real life.
love me |
::
2003 22 October :: 10.56 pm
:: Mood: empty
:: Music: comfortable
same song
I feel so drained today.
I've been listening to Comfortable by John Mayer. It makes me wanna cry and I don't understand why.
I almost cried today in psychology. I really didn't think I could hold it back for a while. I felt so naked to opinions and rejection. I've been feeling that a lot lately. I'm possesive and I don't understand why. I feel like things are going on around me that I don't understand. All I ever want to do anymore is sleep. Parks was telling me last night that these are signs of depression. He told me he worries about my eating. He told me a lot of things last night. I felt sick. I couldn't think today. I want to go to sleep for a long time. I need someone to talk to and Laura won't pick up her phone.
love me |
::
2003 20 October :: 10.55 pm
look at me! i'm writing crap!
Friday~
The first official BEKIE DAY October 17th
I only had one class. This made me happy. Not only was I happy because I had one class, but during this one class my professor told me I had a "brilliant mind". I felt all smart. After that I headed back to my dorm room where I proceeded to pack for my weekend at home. Around an hour later the lovely Teresa came and got me and we headed back to good old Lawrenceville. We first stopped at my house. I like my house when it's empty. I started to think about how different it is. It looks like nobody lives there. My house was once so full of life...it's sad. I tried to call Parks but he hadn't gotten home from his class yet so Ressa and I went to O'Charlies. It was some good eatin'. I had the cheese wedges which were super good. And get this, when I ordered the potato soup I asked for no chives like I always do and the lady says "Oh, we don't have chives anymore." Now somewhere deep in my mind I know this had nothing to do with me, but I like to believe that there were no chives because it was Bekie Day and I don't like them. I ate my soup and there was much happiness all around. After this Ressa and I started to Parks' house. This had to be one of the coolest times I've ever had in a car. The trip was great and guess what...wait for it...wait for it...WE DIDN'T GET LOST!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! So we got there and it was soo cool. I stayed in the car for a while even though I could see Parks out of the corner of my eye standing behind this pole thing. I dunno why I waited...I just did. I can't even describe how amazingly wonderful it was to see him again. It was like my heart was gonna explode or something. The greatest part was Ressa and Parks got along! I was soo afraid that he was gonna reject her. When Tim came he ignored him, when Cory and Alyssa came he didn't talk to anyone, but when Ressa came he was my Parks and it was a beautiful thing. I felt kinda bad because Parks gave me a button, a hair clip, a bracelet, and an Everclear CD which read "Pretty Everclear for Pretty Bekie," and I didn't have a single thing for him. I was late to the alumni thing because I didn't want to leave Parks' house. I keep on thinking it's gonna be like another whole year before I see him and I missed him 10 seconds after he was gone. On our way out Teresa ran over a bush in his yard and almost tiped the car which made for some great excitement. The alumni thing wasn't much. Laura wasn't there and she was like the largest reason I wanted to go. After that we went out to eat. I got to ride in Tim G's monster truck and I felt super cool. It was like for that one day I was really happy. None of the other shit in the world mattered. It was probably the best day of my life.
Saturday~
Got my flu shot. Went to the mall with Teresa and got some super cool buttons. After this we went to see "School of Rock" with Tim G and then to Joe's to meet up with Sheldon. Teresa and I are now sharing Sheldon as a boyfriend...it's great fun.
I miss good times like these. Today I talked to Parks and started to cry. I think it pissed him off. I feel like he gets so tired of me. I get so tired of myself. I ended up telling him everything I'm afraid of...it was crazy. In better news I've gotten the answering machine to work. Actually Kayla fixed it. Evidently you have to turn it on or something crazy like that
Quotes:
-"Okay, we stay on McEver for 12.95 miles." Me
"That's McEver and ever long!!" Teresa
-"I'll just binge and purge" Me
"What?!" Parks
"Ohh, I thought you were talking about a person. Like Bengin Purge." Teresa
"Yes! Bengin is my good friend. He and I like to take long walks on Sundays and eat candle lit dinners together." Me
"And then throw them up again!" Teresa
-" You're mister wonderful!" Teresa
"Oh, we have a wonderful boyfriend!" Me
love me |
::
2003 15 October :: 10.54 pm
Things you should know about Bekie:
Bekie doesn't like to get up in the morning
Bekie has problems with kissing boys
Some might consider Bekie a "loose woman"
Bekie enjoys a good laugh but hates the sound of it
Bekie really thinks she has the coolest father in the world
Bekie digs psychology
Bekie wouldn't mind if you gave her some money
Bekie doesn't believe you when you say nice things about her...unless you're Parks...then she just thinks you're on crack or something
Bekie just realized she like to do .... a lot
Bekie doesn't like food as much as some people think she should
Bekie doesn't believe she had low self esteem
Bekie enjoys opera
Pink sparkely fingernail polish makes Bekie feel pretty
Bekie likes to dance around her dorm room
Bekie hates going to her parent's house
Sometimes Bekie feels like sneaking people into her dorm room
Bekie gets a kick out of her close friends
Sometimes Bekie wants to go driving down the highway at night with the windows down
Bekie is sick
Bekie thinks that sex before marriage is wrong but gets pissed off if you fail to share your "first time" stories with her
Bekie likes thrift stores
Bekie loves her friends
Bekie thinks she's lost all capability of romantic love
Bekie has a class in one hour and fifteen minutes
Bekie should be doing her homework...but she's not
Bekie likes hugs...especially the kind from spectacular boys that pick you up
Bekie made an A on her paper
Bekie likes to make CDs
Bekie likes sweaters
Sometimes Bekie can't understand the reasons for living
Bekie wonders why the UWG choir performs all the songs she's already done
Bekie can't wait until this weekend
People are amazed by Bekie's innocence
Bekie thinks she might have stolen this idea from Teresa, but she's not quite sure
Bekie is going to do her homework now
love me |
::
2003 13 October :: 10.00 pm
:: Mood: sick
this journal needs some love
no one ever reads this
no one will ever have to know
when i turned 18 i was sick because i wasn't ready yet. i was sick for a long time. i'm not ready yet.
it's always like life is spinning around me and i'm not ready to start yet. they didn't give me a warning...this can't be it. this can't be all there is. and i don't understand so many people and they're lies
bekie, you're beautiful
bekie, people love you
bekie, i've told you all this before
and it's all so full of shit it's amazing. i don't understand why they want to lie to me. is it some sort of thrill or something.
i'm going to be sick
i can control what i eat
i'm not ready for life to begin
love me |
::
2003 10 October :: 12.54 am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Young and Foolish
Young and Foolish
Why is it wrong to be
Young and Foolish
We haven't long to be
Soon enough the carefree days
The sunlit days go by
Soon enough
The bluebird has to fly
We were foolish
One day we fell in love
Now we wonder
What we were dreaming of
Smiling in the sunlight
Laughing in the rain
I wish that we were young and foolish again
1 i'm loved |
love me |
::
2003 17 September :: 9.02 pm
you know...i hate myself. and i don't see a problem with it since everyone else does
love me |
::
2003 16 September :: 4.01 pm
:: Mood: i'm still cold
:: Music: Your Daddy's Son
I really dig this song. Sometimes it makes me wanna cry.
Daddy played piano
Played it very well
Music from those hands
Could catch you like a spell
He could make you love him
'Fore the tune was done
You have your Daddy's hands
You are your Daddy's son
Daddy never knew
That you were on your way
He had other ladies
And other tunes to play
When he up and left me
I just up and run
Only thing in my head
You were your Daddy's son
Couldn't hear no music
Couldn't see no light
Momma she was frightened
Crazy from the fright
Tears without no comfort
Screams without no sound
Only darkness and pain
The anger and pain
The blood and the pain
I burried my heart in the ground
In the ground
When I buried you in the ground
Daddy played piano
Bet he's playin' still
Momma can't forget him
Don't suppose I will
God wants to excuses
I have only one
You had your Daddy's hands
Forgive me
You were your Daddy's son
This is from the musical Ragtime. Sarah sings this to her son trying to explain to him why she buried him alive.
love me |
::
2003 13 September :: 8.59 pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: he's gone away
i thought this kicked some booty
Charlie
Which 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' character are you? brought to you by Quizilla
love me |
::
2003 12 September :: 11.03 am
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: phantom...mmmm
you know what, screw it....
i'm writting again. i had stopped because, well, let's face it, nobody ever reads this thing anymore. But then i got to thinkin', and i've come to the conculsion that this journal is my baby. i've had it for over a year now and i simply refuse to abandon it. the great part is, since no one reads this, i can write what ever the hell i want to . he he he...
okay well let's see....
for one, it's cold here in my dorm room. it's like winter.
for two, i love college. i miss my daddy but i loooooove college. it makes me smile.
okay that it for now. tar tar
1 i'm loved |
love me |
::
2003 19 August :: 3.27 pm
lyrics i like:
"She's walking around in her emptiness
She's looking for the good
She left in her prom dress
She can't take back all those regrets
Her only hope is what she did
She'll soon forget
This must be the end of the line
The skies a blur
My drug my friend
Sometimes you can't avoid the lonesome
Bitter end
She's breathing in some nicotine
And when she's down she'll drown this
Town in kerosene"
"I heard him say life is a joke
His life burned like acid rain smoke
Why can't you love what you don't know"
"Well I just can't seem to beat it
cause my heart's too numb to feel.
Your smile is all thats something,
and the pain is all thats real,
and the way that you keep screaming
I can hardly hear you think.
And I feel the bridges buring underneath my feet.
Where do you go, when you're gone."
"You can't help you're so insecure
You hurt right down to the core
You're only stuck in your pain today
Welcome to breaktown
For the first time
It's a breaktown
For your worst time
When you freak out
Losing more time
Welcome to breaktown"
"Penny likes to get away and drown her pain in lemonade
Penny dreams of rainy days and nights up late by the fireplace
And aimless conversations about the better days"
2 i'm loveds |
love me |
::
2003 14 August :: 11.01 pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: underneath
college time! 8/14/2003
ahh i'm leaving tomorrow! yay! i won't be back for a while!!!!
buh bye!
"Well I just can't seem to beat it
cause my heart's too numb to feel.
Your smile is all thats something,
and the pain is all thats real,
and the way that you keep screaming
I can hardly hear you think.
And I feel the bridges buring underneath my feet.
Where do you go, when you're gone."
love me |
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2003 12 August :: 3.11 pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: underneath
Steaven the wonder cat!!!! 8/12/2003
I've got a new cat! I've named her steaven...this was of course before we bothered to find our she was a girl. But this cat is soo freakin' insain! We first got her wheh my mom brought her over. My mom has like 50 cats and she wasn't watching this one and it climbed to the top of the fridge and evidently jumped off. Well to say the least it didn't land on it's feet. My mom thought it had broken it's neck and she knew she had to "put it out of it's misery" but she couldn't kill the poor thing. So she brought it to our house so my dad could kill it (he lived on a farm...he's killed tons of sick animals.) When it got here she was lying in this box with her neck at this weird angle and she couldn't move. I felt so bad because she was just a baby and she was crying and all. Well my dad was like "i'll kill her after it stops raining." I went to go and check on her later and the little thing was lifting her head up. I told my dad that i didn't think she would be able to do that if her neck was broken. I think my dad felt kinda bad for her too because he said that he would wait to kill her. The next day he had moved her into a new box with a blanket and everything. By this time she was kinda crawling around but she also looked like she was on crack so my dad really didn't think she would live too much longer. The next day i went out to check on her and she was gone. I figured she had finally died so i went back in and told my little sister. She freaked and as soon as my dad got home she started yelling at him, "Why did you kill that kitten!!!!" He was like "I didn't kill her, she's over there." The little freak had managed to climb out of her box and was then walking around the carport. Now she's running around and playing like a normal kitten except she looks like she's drunk or something.
Onto a different topic...
I'm leaving on Friday for college. I don't suppose i'll be able to update for a while. My step-mom and my dad have gone into some major problems. They're all yelling all the time. I really can't wait to get out. It's like i've waited so many years. I'll miss all my buddies here though. Come hug me before friday!!
love me |
::
2003 7 August :: 3.04 pm
:: Mood: empty
:: Music: Penny and Me
i'm gonna write a load of random crap because i'm like woooosh big hole in my heart at the moment.
i don't understand the nature of flirting...is this why no nice boys like me?? do they think i'm a loose woman??? c'mon nice boys, i'm no loose woman, i simply don't understand that i'm flirting with everyone. i just think i'm being nice.
there should be more british people in the world. there should be more british comedy. i <3 british people.
question for any british person reading this:
do you put ice in your tea? i've heard british iced tea horror stories and it makes me wonder.
i feel like a stalker. i think i'll write him a note so he just knows how it stands. it's like i can't breath without him around. he can't be that wrong person people say he is.
yeah...that bit was for people that i know, but if it's killing you because you don't understand what i'm talking about...just ask me aim: rockon1416
or just talk to me because i'm lonely....*sigh*
when i went to camp with my church i felt like the biggest dork because i was continuously hurting myself.
sorry for any spelling mistakes and such, i'm in a giant hole at the moment.
love me |
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