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:: 2005 4 February :: 6.08pm

well long time since the last update
guess I've just been a) busy with finals b) busy with people and misc. things and c) just a little confused
I'm not so afraid anymore to talk about me and talk about life, I used to fear opening up, not lately
the thing is, I question who I am, am I worth it, am I anything?
there's just alot I still don't know ... about what I'm going to do, the future and all things about life
I don't like being whiney, but I'm just a little lost and confused and bemused
lonely I suppose
no matter how many people are around I still feel alone
something's missing
maybe something I'll never have
but I feel like that scene in Garden State at the party where Zach Braff is on the couch just sitting there as people speed around him moving into his zone and out without event
a dazed life
oh well, what the hell
I'm trying to help myself, trying to make my life better, trying to fill myself up, trying to be a better person in general, because I'm not really a good person, not a very intelligent or enlightened person, just a confused guy ... maybe just a guy looking for something to feel right
yeah, sappy I know

some of you know I've been fighting depression for a while
my fault really, I turned down meds and tried to give myself a chance to improve myself, to fix myself, to do the right thing
I know alot of people deal with it, not saying anything's different
but I'm doing it alone, trying to catch it, trying to figure out what voices are me and what voices are the depression
and it's hard, because they've been there so long, always saying you're not worth it, you suck, you'll never amount to anything, everyone hates you, they plot against you, end it now, kill yourself. Every fucking moment of the day there's that negativity getting to the surface
but it's not like another person, it's like me, it feels like this is what I really think, it feels so real that it's hard to sort out what voices are truth and lies, what's really me and what isn't. Doing it alone is hard, it's all so confusing, maybe I am that worthless, maybe it should be over, I don't know sometimes, it's hard to keep swimming above water, not to drown. And I'm whining again, oh well, what the hell.

I guess I'll just keep trying to sort out my life

and I haven't cried since ...

2 did | Tell me

:: 2005 3 February :: 9.24pm
:: Mood: loopy

Today was great, hahaha.

Ok so me and Mandy were gonna start going to the the YMCA today, right? So we walk down to the bus plaza and hang out with Anthony and Brooke (!) and our bus comes and we get on it and we're like "yay! the Y!". So we're goin along. Riding the bus, and we're like "Wow this is going the wrong way!" and then "Dude! We're on the wrong bus!!!" So it happens to be the bus by sophies house, So we get off right next to her house and wander around the neighborhood untill we're at her door. So we ring the dorrbell and she comes to the door and opens it and her eyes get all big and she shuts it again but then she opens it and is like "What are you doing?" And we're like "Ummm *burst of laughter* we umm, got lost..." So she let us in and we ate her food and went hot tubbing till my mom came and picked us up. THEN, we went to the Y. Only the pool was busy or something so me and Mandy wandered around for like an hour and a half.... But it was cool. Then we got pizza. But yeah... It was my fault, but i could have sworn it was that bus. It was so weird. Other than that fiasco my day was pretty bland...
i understand that a certian Kim talked to a certian Mike... but w/e. Its not like I was going to... <-- sarcastic. Its cool, Its cool.
I sit next to Kalli. Thats kind of... scary.. considering her boyfriend cheated on her with... me. But thats in the past, right? I hope she thinks so... Haha.
The Chevelle concert is tomorrow, i wish i could go. *tear* Mike, tori, Morgan, and Patrick are all going... *sigh*
But im tired... So good night!

2 did | Tell me

:: 2005 2 February :: 9.18pm

OWL was... owly? Haha. I dunno, that lady Ann bugs me cuz she's really narrow minded sometimes.. kind of... Like she dosent explain things to us, but expects us to understand what she's talking about. ya know? I know.

Hmm, a fishentine eh Alex? We'll see. Maybe i can work with this.

Ambure is so cool! Haha.

2 did | Tell me

:: 2005 2 February :: 5.03pm

Ashlee's cat had kittens yesterday and i went over and saw them and they're SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cute!! George, Dan, and Alex came over too and George and Dan got hiiiiiiigh, it was funny. Lol. but yeah, the kitties are really cute, and small.

Lalala, i still need to find france...

OWL tonight... fun!

Hmm

I still cant think of a present.. im thinking.... CDs or chocolate.. maybe both? I dont know what CDs though, we have different tastes in music. We didnt really talk today, but i still like him (haha), so thats good? I dont know how much he likes me though... Wow i sound like an eight year old. Ohh well, it was a good day!

1 did | Tell me

:: 2005 1 February :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: satisfied
:: Music: Postal service-- Brand new colony

Yumm, sweethearts! I like the orange ones! Ooh, what does this one say? "Whiz kid"...... Hmm, i need to think about that.....

:: 2005 1 February :: 7.13pm
:: Mood: mink

Umm... CDs, candy, posters, a shirt(??),A HAT, umm... any ideas for what to get a guy for valentines day??

my tooth aches. Rawr.

Haha, thanx alex!

7 did | Tell me

:: 2005 1 February :: 3.26pm
:: Music: Cake-- Sheep go to heaven

New semester! All the new people in my classes and such. I dont really like Mr. Krestian, but ohh well. Hung out with Mike a wee bit today. I think i need to up the communication levels because i dont want the same thing as last time to occur. I'm not really sure if we're "going out" or not, but im kinda diggin' whats goin on right now which is.. We hang out but eat lunch in different spots. Cuz i like my nook, and it would be mean to ask him to sacrafice his nook. I'm not sure if he see's things that way or not.
I failed my sience final.. well ok i got a 65% on it, but same thing... but the weird think is... It raised my grade. Either that or Mr. Richardson gave me a C out of pity. haha i wouldnt be surprised..
Brooke goes to LC now!! I saw her at lunch and me and Brooke and Mandy were all like "EEE!! OMG! *arm flaping and hugs*!!" yeah, it was cool.I luuuuuurve my new jeans! they're so... big. Hahahaha. I'm excited to go to the Y. I dont have sweats or anything though... And mom's like "go to value village and buy some!" And i'm like "EWWWWW people SWEAT in them, thats why they're called SWEATS!!". But i dont think it convinced her...
Ahhhh! Solo and Enssemble in 11 days!!! I'm soooo screwed!! I dont know my part... like at all. I'd work on it but.... i dont want to...
god gear up is annoying.
no one's online... :(, i should go buy some friends.

:: 2005 31 January :: 7.17pm
:: Music: weezer-- island in the sun

everyone's at NHD. Except for chris who's eating. I dont have any ice cream either... damn.

Dude, i bet it was mike.. cuz he should be home around now... hmm. Ohh well. I'm so bored.

3 did | Tell me

:: 2005 31 January :: 7.09pm
:: Music: The Postal Service-- Brand new colony

God its done it like 3 times now.. god im freaked out...

2 did | Tell me

:: 2005 31 January :: 6.37pm
:: Mood: paranoid
:: Music: metallica-- fade to black

i just got a scary message on my phone, and i cant *69 it cuz my dad called right after it... ehhh :(

I'm scared....

It was all quiet and then a spitting noise... yeah... im gonna eat a quesidilla now.

:: 2005 31 January :: 6.17pm
:: Mood: allergy-ish
:: Music: Real McCoy-- Another Night

Its too freakin early for allergys!! God damn it!

Me and Mandy and Anya and Kim went to Ian's and Andy was there and this one cuban kid and Brennan and Tanner came to and it was a blast! I played Halo 2 and i killed mandy like 50,00,000 times. It was fun. My hair is only curly on one side thanks to mandy and anya's super curling skills.

--Flash back--
I took the controller from anya and she was like "Fine, take everything from me!". And then i felt bad.... more.

--ANYA--
I'M SORRY IF I MADE YOU SAD/MAD. CHICKS BEFORE DICKS DUDE!!
remember?
Its really hypocritical for me to say that, but i love you oh-so-very-muchly. ok?

im gonna make food, and then wash all the crap out of my hair, haha.

1 did | Tell me

:: 2005 31 January :: 4.00pm
:: Music: MC Solaar-- Solaar Plure

Happy Birthday.

I had to get blood drawn, but i got to keep my pants on :)

My shnerfel berry pies are all gone.

Im back at mandys. Kim is here *yay*

*Rolls eyes*

What kind of sick fuck dosent like techno? I'll tell you... kim.

J/k i love you kim!

but really.

Its dirty Vegas!! How could anyone not like that song?!?!?!

its my theme song, if i had one, but i dont... so never mind.

I need to have anya do my hair now.

'ta

5 did | Tell me

:: 2005 31 January :: 1.19pm
:: Music: WHAT IS LOVE?

...what IS love??
--Anya's Update--
MWAHAHAHHAA I'M TAKING OVER EVERYBODY'S BLOG!!!! *evil smile*
Hmey... welll.....this is kind of dedicated to _____.. i just read your blog, and it made me really sad. as i have already said before, i don't want anyone to feel left out. and apparently you are. you're saying that you're the 'newbie'... i haven't known sophie nora and mandy long at all... i became friends w/sophia in the middle of 8th grade.. same w/mandy. i met nora the beginning of 9th grade! and the only reason nora was like 'the lunch quatro' or whatever she said was because we haven't hung out in a long time. and yesterday sophia and mandy went to the mall... without me or nora.. big deal. no offense, or anything, but i think you're making it way more complicated than it really is... so... if you ARE ever feeling SO down you want to shoot yourself, i'm always here for you. i heart you

:: 2005 31 January :: 12.51pm
:: Music: snow patrol-- run

EWWW!! iout frizz ease in my hair cuz it was retarted and now its all gross and greasy, i mean really... Eww. I vant to take a showah. eeurgh.

On the other foot, my new jeans are AWESOME! :) Yess. Ugh, i hate doctors. or in Italian, Dottore. Yep.. im gonna go now....

:: 2005 31 January :: 10.07am
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Haddaway-- What is Love

YESSSSSS MY BACKGROUND IS WORKING!!! It only took... what 2 months?? something like that. Thank you mandy!

:: 2005 31 January :: 9.48am
:: Mood: congested
:: Music: postal Service-- Such great heights

My cat is purring on my lap. ^^

I think im sick though. My head is really stuffy and i have a sore throat. Its an attractive look on me. Haha. Soph and Mando went to a movie last night but i was really tired and so i stayed home and watched Saved. Wich is a pretty good movie. Even though it is... christian... to the max... Its still funny. Yah didn't go to da movie either. So we talked o[n the phone for a while and she might come over for a bit today.

I want a hair cut. I put my hair in braids yesterday and i looked like Pocahontas (i dont think thats how you spell it, but i just woke up so... yeah). I like computers. Whoa, that was random.

I had a dream that i had saturday school and i was sitting next to tanner. Ooh! and i also had that one dream that i've had before that there are a whole bunch of asian kids playing cards in my house and i cant find my dad. Theres more to that one, but i cant get it right in my head. Its scary though.

Gahh, i dont feel grood.

I told mom all i wanted for my birthday was a new cell phone (hopefully one that WORKS... and isnt shaped like a freakin brick!) so ima hopin' that i'll get one. You know, the kind you can talk on...

I have a doctor's appointment today.... unpleasant... i think i have to get a blood thingy. Erlack.

What do you get boys for Valentines day? I should consult with Tori.

Ooh! Gabe is a wild porn star, hahahahaha. I get it. Maybe Anya does too??

Ok, i should get dressed.

1 did | Tell me

:: 2005 29 January :: 6.44pm
:: Mood: hoarse

talking to morgan and chris-- wait now just chris. I like morgan, but i always feel bad when i say i cant do stuff cuz i dont want her to think im ditching her... cuz im not. Except for once when she called and wanted to see a movie and i was like "Nope, sorry, im busy" But really i was just playing the sims 2... ITS SO ADDICITVE!!

Kill Bill is a sweet movie. I like hanging out with us four. The original lunch Quatro. Damn, i forgot to re-steal my Spice Girls CD..

Ah, Jim is here. better go do... stuff...

2 did | Tell me

:: 2005 29 January :: 1.16pm
:: Mood: bouncy

Today is sa-weet, da four of us be hangin at mando's. Yay! I hope we're not a clique... oh well, its fun!

:: 2005 28 January :: 7.21pm
:: Mood: happy

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Today was freakin awesome!! Heck yes i have a local phone number! Who cares if we're going out or not, im just soooooooo happy!! I think anya's mad at me though, but i can understand that. Cuz like this is the second time i've... taken him from her. I dont want to hurt her, but... i like him... :(

Me and mando were bad and snuck into Life Aquatic. It was like i thought it would be but it was still good. And funny in the arm touching part... hahaha

The casino is official. We .... named it ...? lol. i dunno.

EEE!!

Yoga with mom tomorrow... i know she "misses" me but 9:00?? I bet prisoners get to sleep later than that! Ohh well. I hope im not getting sick.. my throat hurts. Finals are over though *thank god* along with fitness, so now my clothes wont smell like Locker Room anymore. Its not as attractive as it may sound... yeah.

He's in whistler all weekend.. hee hee, kim had his pic on her phone and i emailed it to myself. Does that qualify under stalker?

Maybe i should think about someone else now.

Those cute emo guys were at the mall. I wonder if they're gay... I mean, he had a freakin scarf! Either way... i want cough drops... and some tweezers. But thats why i have sophie. This is really long and ramble-y, so ima gonna go....

:: 2005 27 January :: 6.07pm
:: Mood: hazy
:: Music: white stripes--in love with a girl

Finals are evil, if i was stressing about them... im gonna be a wreck for SATs, haha.

So i wrote him a note. I think he was kinda avoiding me... and i was scurred to make the first move... I mean, what would i say? He already knows i like him... yeah

But i couldnt find him after school, and i think he's gonna be gone tomorrow :'( so i'll have to hang on to it till tues.

Ive been kinda feeling like Tori hasn't been careing about me lately... Maybe not i dunno. Shes just... one of the people i like to talk to about things like this and she seemed really...un-interested

I feel like im obsessing over him... i should stop... psh, yeah right

OWL is awesome! We got to name parts and me and mandy made a song.. hee hee, thats how cool we are.

mmk, bye bye

5 did | Tell me

:: 2005 26 January :: 5.41pm

mexican food and cramming for history, fun.

Grr, i keep thinking about him

I feel bad because its like, Anya liked him first, and i guess i kinda stole him from her, and she still likes him and here i am trying to take him again! But i really cant help it!! If i could not like him i would, but as it is... i do.

Ahh, his eyes are so pretty. Hes quiet though. And i hate akward silences more than clowns. Ahh well, Cest la vie.

OWL time!! Hahaha sex ed to the max!! w00t!!

:: 2005 26 January :: 3.19pm
:: Mood: pondering

is pity better than nothing?

He looked so concerened when he saw me crying

ohh god i hate boys sometimes!!

I really really want him though

and i hate myself for likeing him so much

I dont want another Danny type expeirence... Ugh, i dont want to think about that!! Ok i should really do my HW now.

Haha, yeah right

1 did | Tell me

:: 2005 26 January :: 3.03pm
:: Mood: sad/ pissed

Cyler cant do anything right!! Grr!! I really didnt want mike to know that i was... i dunno, interested yet. It makes me feel vulnerable when i have my feeling on display. Now im not the pnly one with a battered soul. I sound dramatic and bitchy, but i dont care. I guess im a dramatic bitch. Im sick of being at my Dads.

That was random, sorry.

Anywho, he said "fuck no, maybe"

He talked to me in english, but i think it was just cuz i was crying. I dont want a pity date.

Mandy said he was kidding, but i can see it go either way.

Cyler didnt say he was kidding.

god today sucked

actually only lunch and 4th period sucked. 3rd was cool. We stole the final, which i should go study now.

OWL tonight!!

:: 2005 25 January :: 6.14pm
:: Mood: grumpy

Cyler is a fool.

Anya knows.

I didnt want her to... i didnt really want anyone to incase it backfires and all.

But ohh well.

now kim will know.

does HE know?

What will i do if he does?

More importantly... what will i do if he dosent...

friday is fast approaching.............

9 did | Tell me

:: 2005 24 January :: 8.46pm

NVM, no i dont feel bad. Hahaha. secretly i do though.

:: 2005 24 January :: 8.41pm

crap is a strong word. crap sounds like cramp. i hate cramps. Ooh anya's on. i wonder what was wrong. I feel bad about chris. Damn.

:: 2005 24 January :: 8.26pm
:: Mood: annoyed

Gahd, i hate gear up!! On the other foot, i love cheesecake. hmmm...

My thumb hurts

:: 2005 24 January :: 5.48pm
:: Music: NPR

operation battered soul is undergo. Or.. something... DONT MESS IT UP CYLER!! Thank you sophie and tori for helping and Ashlee for the advice (even though you [ashlee] aren't reading this...). Haha im a dork.

I wonder if he knows? He was looking at me all through English. OMG, im so......................... i dunno what i am, but im totally......-insert feeling here-
Im at Dad's all week, wich is cool.
Gad im hungry, i dont want to go to gear up.

I wonder if he knows... or what he'll say?!?!? errg!!

HAHA

i thought of my feeling... IMPATIANT.. did i spell that right? Haha guess who's gonna fail finals...

2 did | Tell me

:: 2005 23 January :: 11.42am

The sims 2 is such a freakin cool game!!!! It keeps freezing though. Ohh well, i'll try to fix that latah. Dad got a new computer tower yesterday, so it works! I dont know why its freezing though. It meets all the requirements... >< Computery stuff is really interesting when you get in to it *pushes up thick glasses* OH NO!! IM TURNING INTO A NERD!! An incredibly stylish nerd though, hahahaha gotta go check on my help site, byebye!

1 did | Tell me

:: 2005 22 January :: 10.01am

POLL: Is your appendix on your right or left side? PLEASE REPLY TO ZIS!!

Mom woke me up at the buttcrack of dawn today (9:00) to go to the YMCA to get membahships. So now im awake and we havent gone yet.... damn it!

--OMG I'm sorry i didnt call you chris.. but i cant anyway, i'll try to get ahold of you latah--

Last night was fun! Elecktra has such sweet hair. its all like "Shwaa!" when she flips it. And all the little children... haha. OMG, somehow Callie's friend knows about halloween! I DIDNT KNOW THEY WERE GOING OUT!! THat scared the crap out of me! We had to give up the casino so i could make a bid for freedom. But then we hung out with Tanner and Brennan and all them. SO it was cool :) im gonna go to the Y now... bye bye

P.S.
CYLER HITS ON 5TH GRADERS!!! DONT LET HIM NEAR YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!! j/k cy... but really...

1 did | Tell me

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