:: 2004 1 April :: 12.52 am
:: Mood: hopeful

dooo dooo dooo
I need to gain enough confidence. I have some serious self-confidence issues. I have such a hard time doing something basically because I'm afraid to. It can be something small like talking to someone or eating something different at a restaurant. Oh lordy I need to gain more confidence. Hopefully that day will come soon and ::sigh:: yeah.

So I'll start reading my book starting tomorrow. And maybe even practice my flute. I wish I could just wake up and be natural you know? It's like I try working for things but then I get frustrated because I have no patience and so I give up. It's awful yes, but that's just how I am. I'm trying to fix myself, I really am trying...but it's really hard after living this way for 16 years.

Well I'm gonna try to sleep now. Goodnight.
Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 31 March :: 12.30 am

coffee is addicting...i'm slowly starting to like coffee

i don't have anything else to say.

oh yes...my spring break is kinda going slowly. nothing too exciting...i've gone to caribou a lot...but other than that....erm...i've stayed home thinking of how i should be reading my book and reviewing math because i know after break i'm gonna fail everything....literally.

alright that's enough updating for now...
Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 27 March :: 1.22 pm
:: Mood: content

whipped cream
i feel really good right now. hehe why? i don't know. so this week will be interesting...i mean with so many people leaving and all. i felt all yucky yesterday and the day before....like i was fine but i got pissed easily. but i went to caribou with corey and we just sat and talked for like 2 hours and that was good. whipped cream is so good man. i had whipped cream and carmel at the top of my drink and i was playing around iwht it with my straw and it was funny. corey's like you're more intertaining than liz with her drink (she does some crazy things). la la la and i got to drive around and do my occasional driving down gregg's parkway.

so this week is when i'll reading my author book. you know, the one i claimed to read over winter break. yeah, well that didn't really happen. and well, since the end of the year is near, our author project will be due soon and so i figure i should read it now when i can pace myself rather than reading the entire book the night before and miss a lot of small details.

alright i'm hungry i'm going to go eat now.
see ya all soon.
Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 25 March :: 10.05 pm

Farseer101 (8:35:37 PM): because there isn't a good reason why you aren't dating someone

shall i start the list?

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:: 2004 24 March :: 6.29 pm
:: Mood: happy

radiant
AH! i'm so happy right now! i haven't been this positive in so long. i just hope this happiness doesn't raise my hopes like it so often does. i kinda asked neil about a general topic....just to hear a guy's opinion and i feel very good right now. because what he said was exactly what i was hoping to hear. now i'm happy.

i wanna go driving....and not to relieve stress but more like to calm me down cuz i'm so bouncy right now. i'll be sitting and just burst out laughing. this is not good. because i know exactly where this is going to lead....but i can't help it.

i can't help smiling...this is gonna lead into such heartbreak....but i should enjoy my happiness while i have ti right?

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 23 March :: 11.32 pm
:: Mood: ecstatic

pirates
i did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

who's proud of me????????
well, I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i mean, i'm cool, totally calm, relaxed.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

so i kept my promise....well i kinda cheated i guess...i siad i would do it before V-show....but i did it right after.....so i kept my promise..sorta. so i kinda cheated....but i did it on the same day.....before i went home so give me some credit for that!

ok i gotta go finish writing gatsby

goodnight everyone!!!!!!!!
Always, Sandy

P.S. i'm sure after this entry a couple of you might've figured what i was planning on doing before the V-show. i don't care anymore cuz i accomplished my goal and now i'm happy!

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:: 2004 20 March :: 5.39 pm
:: Mood: full

"...hold the wheel and drive"
I've learned that driving is very relaxing. You know how some people like to just drive to no where to relax or what not? Well, I never understood it before, but I've learned that it is relaxing. It's so nice driving around and not have anyone else in the car bitch at you for your driving. (My mom likes to freak out in the car even though I don't think I'm a bad driver...she just likes to spaz like that.) Like yesterday after school, I wanted to go out and drive so badly because I was upset and it's so calming to drive. Because while I'm driving I'm so concentrated on the road and about not crashing that my problems are put away. Every time I get the car to myself, I always drive through Greggs landing once. Always. Well, first I go to Caribou then I go to Gregg's landing. I drive down Gregg's Parkway (I think that's the road at least) all the way down to Butterfield listening to both Hello and My Immortal and I feel rejuvenated afterwards. I hate driving but I love it. I thought I loved to drive but there was this one day where I drove around running errands for 2 hours and I got so sick of driving. I think I hate it when I need to drive for a purpose...like picking up my brother or dropping him off. Then it's annoying.

For the first time, I've realized how glad I am that I didn't make the play. I got my chemistry test back yesterday and I got an A on it which felt so good because I had studied for it a little bit the night before and that was because I was home right after school because I had no reason to be there. And I got to go to bed before 11:30 which was a first in so long on a school night. 4th quarter will be my chance to really bring up my grades. My goal is to maintain at least an 80 in math because I wasn't able to do that this quarter. I had it for the longest time then one test brought it down to a 76. and then the quarter ended not giving me another chance to bring it up so I was pretty pissed for that. But that's ok...my parents already know that I'm trying (well I wasn't really trying in anything for a couple months..that's why my grades slipped because I'd stopped caring about just about anything and was thinking of giving up everything which I'll get to in a little bit.) But I did promise myself beginning of 2nd semester that if I were to get a C in any class at all this year that it would only be in math...and I've kept that up all year so I'm pretty content right now. I'm not thrilled for getting a C because this is the first year I've gotten any grade lower than a solid B in any class but it's math and well, I feel comfortable with it now and it's getting easier every day (not saying that it's easy because it's not).

So the giving up on everything thing...for the past month I've been thinking of giving up everything. Quit voice lessons, drop a couple classes for next year, give up theatre altogether, give up on myself. And yes, I was pretty serious about it and my grades and attitude really did reflect my opinion. And then within the past 2 weeks I was basically cut from Caberet, the play, and the V-show. Yup, the two things I cherish most: singing and theatre I was totally cut from. It felt great....you know...the thing that you thought you were pretty good at was shotdown. This is the first year I've really opened up to singing...in front of more than just my mirror. And I was told I was good too. Then the Joseph thing happened, I wasn't allowed to do Caberet, couldn't sing in the V-show. It really hurt. But I was talking to Goli yesterday after school and I finally figured...this was definatly not my year. And I thought about it: next year I'll be in choir and so I'm gaurenteed to have a solo in Caberet, Lestina will have realized that the V-show means alot more to people than he thought (Goli and me hunting him down everyday really hit him that people really wanted to do what they did last year for the V-show). And yeah, here's my goal: make districk IMEA for next year...maybe go for allstate (which I doubt I'll make next year) and then make Allstate for senior year. I'm pretty confident that I'll make IMEA next year and Taylor told me that now that I've finally decided to do choir, we're going to start preparing me for IMEA. I'm excited for next year. And the musical next year's not going to be like Joseph which I'm so relieved to hear. Because next year more talent will be needed in the acting/singing area and if I make that and get a decent role (like maybe one singing solo line) than I will be just be ecstatic. So yeah. I'm going to go finish my homework now so that I can worry about nothing but my term paper tomorrow.

Sorry to have bored you with my future plans.

Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 19 March :: 1.19 am
:: Mood: lazy
:: Music: Hello

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:: 2004 18 March :: 1.52 am

::smacks self on forehead:: so i'm back with another journal entry. except i don't really have anything to write. oh yeah i had a quz/test in every class today except dance and theatre. i had vocab quiz in spanish, test in chem, quiz in math, quiz in lit. twas exciting.....but not really. i'm doing so bad in school. let's cut the slack on bring my grades up....to maybe more A's than B's? cuz right now i have more B's than A's. this year is horrible. I've never had more B's than A's until this year. how beautiful.

oh yes should i mention than i am so hopeless?
Goodnight.
Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 15 March :: 3.23 am
:: Mood: head spinny

my throat hurts
yeah being screwed. ok well....my throat is starting to hurt which isn't a good sign because i don't want to be sick...not until spring break. ok so here's the thing...i wanna sing in the V-show and i kinda need my throat so i kinda have a voice to sing. and if i'm sick this week...i'll probably suck at auditions (which reminds me...i need to talk to lestina) which will probably be bad because then i won't make it which i will be super pissed about. first no caberet...then no play...no v-show? wow i'll be insanely mad.

la de da it's really really late and i should be sleeping....but i drank mountain dew and i took a nap earlier so i'm kinda awake...my my head's starting to spin indicating that i need to sleep. i kinda want to take the day off tomorrow but i can't. i really don't want to miss school.

so i was thinking as i was reading....and yeah...just a confidence booster type thing...nothing big. i have high hopes...which isn't a good sign. my high hopes usually lead to great disappointment. so....we'll see.

Goodnight (or more like good morning).
Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 11 March :: 5.45 pm
:: Mood: pessimistic

one disappointment just leads to another........did i see it coming? of course i did. maybe i should just give up because there is no point

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:: 2004 11 March :: 12.46 am

i told you i couldn't act

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:: 2004 10 March :: 8.52 pm
:: Mood: pessimistic

N E X T !!!!!
came home from callbacks and well, i got sent home early. i was one of several to be sent home after the "director's meeting" and let's just say....i'm looking forward to being disappointed. i'm not going to keep my hopes high at all because everytime i do, i end up being disappointed greatly. i want to make this show so badly though. that's why i'm already upset because i feel like i didn't give them what they wanted to see. just watch...i won't be cast. but that's ok...because i'm used to it. it's only happened to me..oh, i don't know....every time with the exception of last year's one acts and joseph. ::sigh:: just once i would like to be cast...i would like to see my name on the cast list next to a character name. not under "female ensemble" or "operators" or "extras"....but an actual character with lines. more than just "oh yes!" or "oh no!" yes i want to have something to memorize. i probably sound selfish to all y'all but i can't help it....i've had too many disappointments. because i can't act worth shit. i'm terrible.
waiting anxiously for the cast list to be posted...soon....
Always, Sandy
P.S. i shall update as soon as i find out whether i made it or not.

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:: 2004 9 March :: 11.16 pm
:: Mood: content

The Man Who Came To Dinner
so i made callbacks. woo!. i'm glad. i'm not nervous at all. i know i will be tomorrow night. i don't want to sound selfish or self absorbed....but i'm not as excited about making callbacks as i should be. like i am....and i'm very relieved....but i have this feeling that i'm not gonna make the cast. i did for joseph. and i think the only reason i did was because i can sing. i honestly don't think i'm not a very good actor. but that doesn't mean i'm not gonna try...because i'm gonna give it my all. it's just....i won't be surprised if i don't make it. i'm too used to it. but anywho....

late start tomorrow and i guess i'm going to breakfast. it'll be wierd considering i haven't hung out with these people in so long (except neil and nicki think). and yeah. it's all good...it'll be good.
well i'm gonna go do homework now. goodnight all.
Always, Sandy

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:: 2004 8 March :: 11.59 pm
:: Mood: sleepy

i should just stop
yeah i'm done. i've had enough disappointments today. well....they weren't major i guess....but it was still disappointing. hey guess what? i didn't make caberet because i'm not in choir! yeah how stupid is that? well i understand why she wouldn't let me be in it....but still....i was super pissed. like right when i got excited for it....i got turned down. and the only reason why i didn't make it was because i'm not in choir. but i'm having second thoughts about choir right now. OC told me that i have potential to make allstate...and that's super exciting. yeah, christine kim and caroline greico made allstate and that's because they're super good. ::sigh:: if i really do have a good chance in making allstate (like OC said) then i'll join choir. otherwise...no...i'll stick with my normal schedule. ::sigh:: i'm still thinking about it. and another...i won't write about in here...it's not a major disappointment me but it was kinda discouraging...but also at the same time an encouragement because i realized taht i really need to hurry.
i'll leave it at that.
Always, Sandy

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