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2004 25 April :: 7.38 pm
:: Mood: depressed
The Day of Lectures
Today could have been a good day. My dad finally fixed the computer yesterday evening, meaning my web browser is up and running again at last. Unfortunately, it turned out to be one of the worst days in a good few months.
My parents discovered the mess I'm making of my art this year, and naturally blamed it on the computer. When I tried to explain it was more than that, even venture in the direction of the depression territory, they just brushed it as 'what all teenagers go through.' (Yeah, all teenagers self harm.) So in the end I ended up with lecture after lecture about doing my homework, and how I was breaking a promise my wanting to drop out of fast track. That's just crap. It's not as if it affects anyone except me in any major way whether I take my GCSE this year or next. In fact, the only outcome of me dropping to normal art would be me getting a better grade and being under considerably less pressure to get the work done. But no, I'm not allowed to move out of fast track, so I'll just stick with failing my exam and getting yet more lectures about how I 'could have done better if I'd tried.'
I can't understand why they're so keen for me not to drop fast track. There's no point in taking an exam if I'm going to fail it.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 24 April :: 9.36 pm
:: Mood: calm
I found a load of great AFI MP3s today. A load of rare tracks you can't find on the normal CDs, a couple of interviews, and even a cover of Rio by Duran Duran. My mum's a fan of Duran Duran, so I played it to her, and she was actually quite impressed.
Some idiot has been annoying me by inviting me into huge MSN conversations that crash my crappy old version of Messenger (I can't help it, I use a Mac!) In the end I gave up restarting the program and stayed offline.
Also, I nearly had a big problem today. My dad blamed my antisocial behaviour on the computer, and when I told him it was nothing to do with that, he said that he would make me talk to my mum about it. Thankfully, he never did, so no psychiatrist for me yet.
1 Whisper |
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 23 April :: 7.24 pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: AFI ~ Bleed Black
Why do people always want to know why I'm bored? There's never a more interesting reason than the fact that whatever activity I am engaged in is less than exciting. It's such a stupid question.
In other news, I'm pissed of because I was watching Gattaca, but then my sister came home and kicked me off the TV. She's always watching something, and the one time I happen to feel like watching a video she won't even allow me that.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 22 April :: 9.27 pm
:: Mood: discontent
Despite the fact that I got to wear my own clothes today, it was not fun at all. In English we were debating abortion. Not good for me, since it's not exactly something I feel strongly about. I'm vaguely pro-choice, but that's only because I'm a cruel, heartless monster who doesn't give a damn about unborn babies or what they could grow up to be. The whole debate I had my annoying religious ex-friend whining how the teacher made her argue pro-choice, when she was strongly pro-life. I beared with it, but it wasn't exactly fun. I had three hour-long classes with her today. I'm definitely moving groups in at least one of the three subjects.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 22 April :: 9.16 pm
:: Mood: discontent
Selidor's Guide To Failing Design Technology
1»] Do virtually no work at all during the project until the night before it's due in.
2»] Pick something nice and difficult that takes a long time.
3»] Mess up all the print-outs because you're not used to your new printer yet.
4»] Waste time filling in your online journal when you should be working.
5»] Make sure you're very frustrated and tired; therefore more likely to make mistakes.
6»] Ensure your parents don't give a damn about your school work unless they realise you're failing (so they can tell you off for being lazy.)
7»] Inadvertantly annoy your strict teacher days before the project is due in, so he probably won't want to give you an extension.
So yeah, I'm an idiot. I have lacked any motivation for this project, probably owing to the fact that I have no interest in designing a chocolate box (I don't even eat chocolate.) I bet the teacher chose this project so all the graphics students got to do something they would enjoy and be able to relate with (every teenager loves chocolate!)
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 21 April :: 8.25 pm
:: Mood: subdued
:: Music: Lostprophets ~ Hello Again
People are keeping secrets again. Which would be fine (everyone has the right to privacy) if they were a little more subtle about it. "Go stand over there so you can't hear what I'm saying" isn't exactly polite, and it brings back a few little bitter memories. Needless to say, I walked away after that happened. I had better things to do.
I've been feeling so fake lately. I hate pretending I'm happy or whatever; it's not me and it's not right. But if I dropped the act, would anyone notice? Would they care? I daresay there would be whispers of 'attention-seeker,' but maybe they're right. Maybe my mind is crying out for attetion; but in the form of asking for help before I do something stupid. I don't want to be the centre of attention, I just want to feel that people care about me.
Someone told me yesterday that they thought I was always so critical about myself because I was fishing for compliments. That hurt. Am I really so difficult to read? Do I really come across like that to other people? I loathe being complimented, to tell the truth. It makes me feel highly uncomfortable, and my brain sort of freezes up because I have no idea how to reply or whatever. It makes me feel like I want to be a million miles away so I can just curl up and try and wipe it from my mind.
***
One of my friends passed out in biology today; she's been looking a bit ill all week, and someone said she was having some problems at home, so I'm a bit worried about her.
Also, a girl in my form ended up in hospital today after she drank a load of diluted methylated spirit. I'm not sure what happened, except that it was deliberate. Apparently she's alright though, which is good.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 20 April :: 4.44 pm
:: Mood: indifferent
Note To Self:
I must remember to tell my dad to sort out the journal payment tonight, before I forget.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 19 April :: 5.12 pm
:: Music: Minor Threat ~ I Don't Wanna Hear It
There's a pretty good chance that I'm going to be able to go to the Tsunami Bomb concert now; one of my friends wants to go for her birthday, which means my parents don't have to take me.
I'm definitely failing art now. I have my exam next week, and I've hardly done any of the preparation, so my teacher said I might be able to take it next year instead (no more fast track.) I ended up crying in the lesson today because I was fed up with the workload, which was not good at all. Embarassing.
Endlessly, she said... |
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