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2004 6 March :: 10.00 pm
:: Mood: listless
I'm a wreck today. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, I keep typing things wrong, I keep forgetting what I'm doing and I feel like an iron weight is crushing me. It's starting to be physically painful to breathe, and I don't know whether that's a projection of my state mentally or whether I'm ill or something.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 6 March :: 9.24 pm
:: Mood: depressed
I'm feeling invisible again. I would go over the word on my arm, but I already covered it up with more cuts. I don't know where I'd be without my blade. Wait a second, yes I do. Dead.
Isn't it ironic that self-harm can help prevent people from killing theselves? They take out some of their anger and frustration on themselves, and then that eases some of the pain a little. It's like a trade; mental pain for physical pain. Except the physical isn't as bad when you learn to block it out.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2004 6 March :: 7.58 pm
:: Mood: drained
Today might have been a good day due to the fact my scanner finally arrived, and that I managed to get some basic PHP scripts to work properly on my computer. Unfortunately, it wasn't a good day. This morning I had my dad yelling at me because I "hadn't told him Safari didn't work properly," which is rubbish, because he was standing behind me for two of the three times I reinstalled the damn thing. He even tried to help me fix it. Of course, then he remembers, but he doesn't even apologise for having a go at me.
Most of the day I've also had a killer stomach ache because - joy of joys - it's my time of the month (I know you really wanted to know that.) And now I'm exhausted from messing around with HTML and PHP scripts, which is suprisingly tiring. And to top it all I think I'm developing repetitive strain syndrome in my left hand (which I actually use more than my right hand when I'm typing.)
So yeah, life is boring and a waste of time.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2004 4 March :: 9.58 pm
:: Mood: suicidal
I just want to go and die. I'm a mess.
And now my parents want me to go to bed before ten o'clock. I'll just go back to my blade and be unhappy because nobody cares.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2004 4 March :: 9.18 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: AFI ~ Bleed Black
Today was extremely crap. At lunch time, someone I know decided it would be a good idea to poke me a lot, without realising I have an extreme dislike of physical contact (to the point where I become violent or distressed.) Of course, a friend of mine steps in and tries to help be telling my antagonist that I didn't like it, which made things about one hundred times worse. I curled myself up in defense, and I can't really remember what happened because I just completely went all weird and sort of dizzy.
When I managed to disentagle myself (yes, I know how bad that sounds) I just ran, and then sat outside shaking. Then the bell went, so I went to my form room and shook. It was horrible. I just feel all violated and it's like people burn me. I just wanted to scratch and scratch at me face and try and get the memory of it out of my head. I still shudder thinking about it.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2004 1 March :: 4.39 pm
:: Mood: confused
Hotmail Sucks
My hotmail account has been most odd today. I checked my email, and I had two, one being an autoreply telling me an email I'd sent hadn't got through because the address didn't exist. The funny thing was, I haven't emailed anyone in ages without getting a reply and I didn't recognise the address, not to mention the message itself:
i'm waiting.
Very odd, because I'd never send a message that short to anyone I didn't know, and I would never ever use a non-capitalised 'I' unless it was a typo on MSN Messenger.
Then, I go to my junk mail to check out the other email, and it's a notification telling me I'd sent an email containing a virus to another myserious address I didn't recognise. This is very suspicious, and if I find out anyone's been hacking into my account then someone is going to be in serious trouble.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 24 February :: 7.17 pm
:: Mood: depressed
No one ever seems to listen to me. I try to start a normal conversation with my sister (not something I do very often - she should have been pleasantly suprised I was being almost sociable) so I start talking about something that I thought would interest her, and the onle response I get was a scornful glance, and a half-hearted one at that! I wasn't even worth the bother of being told she didn't care or that I should shut up or whatever.
The worst thing is, that's not a one-off occasion; it happens every time I have tried to talk to her.
I give up. It's not worth the effort any more, and my silence will clearly be greatly preferred.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 21 February :: 9.33 pm
:: Mood: depressed
More Computer Crap
Well I have plenty of my website pages sorted, but I have yet to hear from either my old host with a reason, or my possible new host with whether my application had been accepted or not. This is all very irritating, I have to say. At this rate, I doubt my old host will contact me at all, but my possible new host still have a couple of days before it'll have been a week since I applied, which is their maximum delay, apparently. That was very badly worded.
My computer's memory has now been tripled, thanks to the 512MB chip my dad bought, but I have yet to see any improvements in the speed.
Life sucks.
Endlessly, she said... |
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