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2004 14 February :: 9.05 pm
:: Mood: subdued
Untitled
First and foremost, an excellent link:
Broken Saints
I read a lot of webcomics, but recently I've discovered several that have taken this one step further, and produced them as flash cartoons! This particular example has the best use of flash I've ever seen, along with great art and a brilliant storyline that follows four characters from different corners of the globe as they are brought together by fate. Definitely worth watching.
Now, with all that positivity out of the way, I'll get back to real life. today has been a boring irrtiation, largely because my mother has gone off to a craft show in Birmingham, my sister has a cold and my dad is busy, so I've been left to do all the preparing of meals for the next two days. Joy.
I'v made some improvements to the words in my arm. They are deeper now, and maight even leave a scar. I like to watch the blood grow in a bright bubble from where the blade breaks through the capillary walls. I like the scarlet glow and the warmth it fills me with. Blood and Fire.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 12 February :: 4.30 pm
:: Mood: depressed
Invisibility
Today I realised something else I should have known all along. Well, technically I did know it, but now I can prove it with certain situations.
Nobody cares.
I've always wondered why I never got the lectures from well-meaning 'friends' about my depression and self-harming habits. I wondered why some of the people I knew always tried to confiscate the sharp objects from the other self-harmers I know, but never me. I never got the questions, never the strangest looks from people.
But now I know why: they don't give a damn about me.
They couldn't care less if I want to spill my own blood, if I want to die. There are far more interesting and better people to worry about than me. They don't see me properly; I'm just a shadow fading into the walls, not really there, not properly noticed. I try to speak and so many times I have gone unheard, so many times not a single person noticed I was trying to speak.
I know people that say everyone hates them But I'd prefer to be hated than be in this unseen state.
How many people would notice if I killed myself tomorrow? How many would really care? Would it break the invisibility spell that seems to plague me?
To mark this realisation I carved 'INVISIBLE' into my left arm with a razor blade, and took comfort in the reality of the blood.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 11 February :: 7.40 pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: AFI ~ Bleed Black
Stupid Father!
He's trying to make me more creative now... My sketches just aren't enough, are they? He wants me to get a fucking pottery wheel or something for my birthday! I thought you were supposed to be given mainly things you actually appreciate. Why can't he just accept that I just like ordinary pencil drawings? My parents are so frustrating!
"Be more sociable, make more friends, be more creative, don't go on the computer, do more homework, do more sports!"
Be more like my stupid fucking sister with her consistent good grades, her ballet, her loads of friends, her sociable happy demeanor, always dressing nicely, listening to normal music and being so fucking perfect.
Well I don't care any more if I don't live up to their standards, if I'm not the 'ordinary daughter' they wanted. They should just appreciate me while I'm still alive, because at this rate they'll have a lot more time with my sister than they will have with me.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 10 February :: 8.03 pm
:: Music: AFI ~ The Nephilim
Another Boring Day...
My art teacher was being annoying again today, trying to force me into things I don't want to do. She keeps insisting I put lots of hands in it, but I don't want to do that.
I can't be bothered to write any more, and I'm going to have a shower, so maybe I'll update again later.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 9 February :: 9.10 pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: Blind Guardian ~ Wait For An Answer
Me? Hyper?
This is very odd... I have been in a hyper mood for the past hour or so, but I've calmed down enough to realise how strange that is. Especially since I was extremely depressed this morning. I have been scaring my sister by playing Blind Guardian and referring to myself as 'we.' She was rather disturbed by my apparant good mood. I have to say, though, I'm only ever hyper when my sister's on the computer. It must be the way my mind reacts to internet-deprivation.
Of course I'm paying for it now. My sister is in my room while she's supposed to be brushing her teeth annoying me and making fun of my music.
I bit her. She's gone now.
***
Glad that's over. And I'm certainly not hyper now.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 8 February :: 9.29 pm
:: Mood: listless
Blinded
Look into my eyes
Can you see the skies
That burn black and red with pain?
Even with hidden scars
The signs are always there
Or are you too blind to see?
You wonder why I'm silent
But you can't see the pain
You will never understand...
You're blind to me,
Always fail to see
The tear in the corner of my eye.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 8 February :: 7.49 pm
:: Mood: bored
Damn Homework
Today has not been good, not at all. I've spent most of the day doing English coursework, while at the same time being severely distracted by the internet, so it took about ten times longer than it should have. And of course all my grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins were interfering earlier by coming up and trying to get me to look after my rabbit when they let her in the house in the first place.
I also have Spanish coursework due in tomorrow, and I haven't done that. Oh, the joy of life.
The Art of Pain
My body is a blank page
My blade is a pen,
I'll write my sorrows
Into my skin,
It's my new art
A creative vent,
My arms will be a masterpiece.
My paint is red
My brush is silver,
I'll carve my feelings
Into scars,
Yet only I will
See the truth,
With cloth I shield my masterpiece.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2004 5 February :: 8.27 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: AFI ~ Smile
Parents... Damn them...
I keep getting lectures from my dad about not doing enough exercise. He went through the list of school clubs and is trying to force me to do one with threats of taking the computer away. Why can't he understand that none of the sports available in my area interest me? I hate the way he's trying to make me do things I don't want to do. It's bad enough having to go to my stupid school normal hours, without spending extra time there. Why can't my family see how much it upsets me? They're never going to notice if they haven't seen my depression by now, and they're just going to make everything much worse for me.
Nothing interests me any more except death and blood. I've been terrible lately, but either my parents are emotionally blind or I'm a better actress than I thought. I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. I'm trying to keep myself going for reasons I don't really know any more. There's just something inside dragging me on through life until the time comes for me to let go and end the pain.
Endlessly, she said... |
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