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2004 25 January :: 9.11 pm
:: Mood: depressed
My Fault
There's a stinging in my arm
But I've only myself to blame,
You might have driven me here
But it's my fault all the same.
I don't want to leave the darkness
I can't stand the light again,
Just leave me here to rot
Because it's my fault all the same.
I can't stand this reality
I just want to escape, to run away,
You have shown me a deeper pain
But as always it's my fault again.
The stinging is twisting my mind
The stinging warps me in my darkness,
Leave me alone, leave me alone,
It's my fault and I've got the blame.
That poem came out rather orderly, in the struture at least. The words are a little twisted, methinks, but that's probably because I paused every couple of lines to carry on cutting my arm to pieces.
Endlessly, she said... |
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2004 25 January :: 10.30 am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Spineshank ~ Beginning of the End
I've just been forced to revise for my maths module tomorrow, which I didn't appreciate very much, but I'm taking as long a break as I can manage so I can just surf the web and update this. I don't care what I get in my maths test anyway, so I don't see why I should bother revising. I hope there is bad weather tomorrow, and maybe they'll have to cancel the test (though I doubt it.)
I bought Spinkshank's album yesterday, which was definitely worthwhile, and I've been listening to it loads. I didn't have much money, but I had an MVC voucher floating around and I wasn't sure what to spend it on (most of the bands I like don't get sold in MVC) so in the end I just got Spinkshank because I've listened to a few of their songs and liked them.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2004 24 January :: 8.45 pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: Spineshank ~ Violent Mood Swings
Fake
I've been thinking about how I come across to the people around me, and I don't think they quite see 'me.' When I'm on MSN Messenger you can't really put across subtler or some of the more negative emtions, so people can only see when I'm angry or being sarcastic, and even that tends to be vague. I find it difficult to express myself in front of other people, so I tend to not say anything, or just laugh along with people's jokes. Sometimes I let my little streak of violence and cruelty show through, if I'm really angry, or slightly hyper (which isn't often) but otherwise I guess I just act like everything's ok. But it's not, and I can see that even if others can't.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2004 21 January :: 2.49 pm
:: Mood: creative
Now Woohu's working again I can finally update with another boring account of my daily life. I'm having such fun today because my left kneecap keeps seizing up, then going back to normal.
Right now I'm colouring on Photoshop. I drew a fallen angel (a RP character of mine) and got it scanned, and now I have the task of colouring it. Not easy. Especially since I'm experimenting with cel-style (flat colour and shadow areas) which I've never actually done before. If I finish it to a satisfactory standard, I'll post a link to it on here, and it'll go on my website.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2004 19 January :: 9.03 pm
:: Mood: depressed
Poems, and an Average day
I've been teaching myself the basics of Japanese speaking today. It's something i've always wanted to do, and even if I can't write with the scripture yet, I can say basic things like 'my name is _' ect.
That has been the only highlight of my day. The rest was generally boring and depressing. And it was such fun being given a numb jaw when one of my friends punched me. I teased her a little about something, but I don't think I deserved to be attacked quite that savagely. Sure, it was only numb for twenty minutes, but that's not the point. She punched me hard enough to do damage. I stewed over that the whole of the way home, and I'm still pissed off about it. I hold grudges for far too long.
Here are two suicidal poems written in physics lessons:
As I plunge the dagger in
There is no pain,
Only the cold numb of death,
The serenity of suicide:
My escape from the world.
My vision blurs at the edges
And fades into black.
The void envelops my mind.
Death takes me.
And another:
Heavy heart
Heavy head,
An iron weight is pressing down,
It hurts to live
Hurts to breathe,
And when will I take to the edge?
When will I let myself go,
Bring the calm numb of death?
For now let daggers
Ease my pain,
Until the time is right.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2004 15 January :: 4.49 pm
:: Mood: bored
Poetry
I have the computer back in my room, and to celebrate I'll post a couple of depressing poems I wrote:
[This one was written on the station in the morning last week]
Worship to the Moon
Rising up the moon
Smoke across the silver shining,
Flames of our sacrifice
To the great orb deity,
Blood drawn by a sacred blade
And now we make our offering,
The death-stilled heart
Of an innocent child
And now we make out offering,
Throw into the amber fire
Watch the sacrifices burn
And smoke rides up
The calm night sky
Across the silver shining moon.
[This one was written after I went to bed a few nights ago. It's very short...]
Into Beyond
Saint and Sinner lie together,
Bones crumbling
Dust mingling,
There is no separation
No split in their paths,
They go to the same void
The same jet emptiness,
Nothing more awaits.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2004 12 January :: 4.13 pm
:: Mood: annoyed
$%@£*@€!!!!!
Would have updated yesterday, if it wasn't for the fact that my dad confiscated the computer because I did my homework!!! I told him I'd finished, but he started on the twenty questions routine again, and then I told him to leave me alone because I'd finished my homework, and he yelled at me and took the computer out! How unfair is that? He was really angry over nothing. In fact, he was so angry he had to restrain himself from hitting me. And why? Because I'd done my homework and wanted to be left alone.
So now I'm on the computer again, except it's in my nasty little sister's room. Not good for updating a journal! I'm taking this opportunity while she's downstairs, but I don't have long, so I'll finish here and update again later.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2004 11 January :: 11.17 am
Depression Symptoms
People are so blind to what's in front of them, aren't they? I was looking on the internet for a bit of inspiration for my art project (I'm doing a piece on depression) and I came across a couple of sites with symptoms for teenage depression. Reading through them, I've seen that I have nearly every symptom there...
Of course, my parents just pass it off as 'a bad day' or me being 'selfish and/or lazy.' I wonder if they'll still be saying that when I kill myself, or if they see the scars on my left arm. I don't even have an exuse for them. It was ok when there was just one or two, and I could say it was an accident, but I'm beyond that now, so I'll just have to make sure I keep them hidden.
Not that I want my parents to see I'm depressed, though. I am not going to a councillor, or taking medication or anything like that.
Endlessly, she said... |
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