:: 2003 23 December :: 10.14 pm
:: Mood: depressed

Officially Friendless
Why don't people ever tell me that they don't like me to begin with? Why do they wait until I think I have a friend before they go and wreck everything? Do they think it will hurt less if a friend tells me they don't like me than if it's someone I barely know? People don't care, so I guess they don't think about how much it will hurt me. This isn't directed at one person in particular, but at all of them. None of them care, and that is painful to me.

But to the one who does read this (you know who you are) this is for her:

I know I said some things in this that you didn't like, and I am genuinely sorry if they offended you. I didn't mean for anyone to be hurt by what was said, and I was angry and unstable at the time it was written, and I probably still am. Doubtless I will feel guilty about writing this later on, but I won't delete it.

If you don't regard me as a friend, then what do you regard me as? Surely I haven't done anything terrible enough to deserve to be someone you hate.

I don't know if you realise quite how much it hurt when you said that you weren't my friend, and now I know how stupid I truly am to believe that anyone would ever want to be my friend.

But why don't people like me? I really would like to know. I mean, I try not to upset people, I do what I can to avoid arguments, and I try to be vaguely pleasant even when I'm in a really bad mood.

What does it matter anyway? I don't need lasting friends, I'm going to commit suicide in the next few years. In fact, I'll jump just as soon as I've got a few things out of the way, like seeing AFI in concert, and things like that.

Endlessly, she said...

:: 2003 23 December :: 7.12 pm
:: Mood: down

......
I have far too many quiz results in my journal, I need to cut down on them. They just tell me what I already know, except with a picture to go with it.

I changed the table colour in my journal to this nice bluey-grey. It suits my mood, along with the black background. Deep depression, tinged with sadness.

I keep typing things wrong! It takes me ages to go back and change everything. I keep putting 's' insted of 'd' and putting the 'a' and 'u' in because the wrong way around. I don't know what's got into me lately. Must be the depression.

I've managed to get a couple more cards done this afternoon (well, the drawings to go on the front, anyway) despite my creative block, which is fading a little now.

I feel ill now. My parents shouldn't have given me dinner. I hate eating.

Endlessly, she said...

:: 2003 23 December :: 3.12 pm
:: Mood: cold

Technically my mood's not cold, I am. Probably because my window is wide open and I don't feel like closing it. Anyway, I'm permanently cold, so it won't make any difference if I do shut it.

I have to make Christmas cards for my family today, which isn't so good since I have a bit of a creative block. Still I've done one for my sister, and another for my grandparents, and I'll do some more after I've updated this.

I got to see Lord of the Rings yesterday, at last. It was very good, except for the fact that the end was dragged out too much. The film kept fading out, and you thought it would end, but then another scene would start. Still, it was every bit as good as the other two, if not better. I'lll have to get the extended version when it comes out, though, since they didn't show Saruman's demise in the cinema version. Bit stupid if you ask me, you can't just ignore the fact that his tower was still standing at the end.


What color are you? (Anime Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla

Endlessly, she said...

:: 2003 21 December :: 6.02 pm
:: Mood: crappy

I'm feeling rather crappy at the moment, and I have toothache for no reason. And I'm still pissed off about the whole Lord of the Rings thing. Stupid sister still isn't back yet. It's been three and a half hours, at least.

She better not blab anything. *Clutches knife*

...More quiz results. I don't know why I bother. They just tell me what I already know anyway.


You..are definitely not a smile.In fact,if i asked
you to smile you'd probably punch me in the
face.You're angry and bitter about
something,but no one knows what because you get
violent when people ask questions.Sheesh.


What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're depressed. Really you are. And you
definitely have a reason. You often space out
and stare at things blankly, even if you're
normally hyper and energetic. This is because
nothing really seems important anymore. You
might just be sad right now, or you might be
manic depressive. Don't worry. Have some cocoa
and stuff'll be ok.


How Depressed are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Endlessly, she said...

:: 2003 21 December :: 3.39 pm
:: Mood: pissed off

Stupid Little Brats Called Sisters
I'm pissed off today, because my bitch of a little sister gets to go and see Return of the King with one of her nasty, annoying little brat-friends. It's not fair. She can't even tell the characters apart, she doesn't even like Lord of the Rings.

I will murder her if she gives away what happens. Bitch.


Your eyes should be gray.. the same color you see
the world. You have faced many sorrows and
losses, but yet its starting to get to you.
You're depressed and lonely, so maybe it might
be time to go and find someone to talk to.


What Color Eyes Should You Have? ( With Anime Pictures ^-^ )
brought to you by Quizilla

Endlessly, she said...

:: 2003 20 December :: 7.21 pm

There are no real words to describe the despair and depression I am experiencing now. My mind is screaming and caving in on itself, but the words won't come. I am beyond my poetry and art.

This just doesn't work. I had my suicide all planned, but it isn't soon enough. I must try and keep going for just those few things I want to do.

My mind skips between blank emptiness and horrible black clouds of depression. Life doesn't matter, but it's just painful.

I used to be able to empathise and be good with people, but now I don't understand anything at all, and no one will stop and explain things to me, they just leave me in my abyss.

None of that sounds right, but I can't really express my mind any better on a computer. There is just complete despair and depression that I cannot explain properly.

This quote sums up a bit of it:

"As you get older you will gain a bit more control over everything. Don't let anyone, even your parents, break you. Find good people who care about you and surround yourself with just them. If you can't find them at first, find good music and fall into it, let it hold you until they come."
- Davey Havok

take the death quiz.

Endlessly, she said...

:: 2003 20 December :: 4.06 pm

Quiz Results

Which Ringwraith are You?
By Lisa

Well look at you. Not much you can say
against
a giant, evil eyeball who very nearly took over
Middle-Earth.
Advice: Don't underestimate the little furry
guys.

You are Sadie. You're a complete bitch and you know it but don't care. Only weak willed people and emotional masochists hang around you because no one could stand your caustic nature. You play your music loud, scowl at everything anyone has to say and display general antisocial behaviour. Not many people like you. You probably even have bad hygiene, but fuck hygiene anyway.

Take the Which Black Daisies Character Are you Quiz?

Endlessly, she said...

:: 2003 19 December :: 3.51 pm
:: Mood: pessimistic
:: Music: Freedom Call - Flame in the Night

Endlessly, she said...