::
2003 17 December :: 8.21 pm
:: Mood: irritated
No, I didn't update because I had things to deal with. Now I'm irritated by my little sister because she kept on about how weird it was that I don't want to eat chocolate because I'm Straight Edge. What does she care anyway? All it means is I won't get anything for Easter. Not that it matters because I'm an aethiest anyway.
Everyone at school is on a Christmas high, and I hate it because hyperactive-ness annoys me. It makes people loud and they poke you and I hate physical contact.
Hell, I hate Christmas, except for the new CDs.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2003 15 December :: 3.27 pm
I'm at school right now. I've been on a graphics trip all afternoon and I'm supposed to be working or something, but there's no teachers and I have nothing better to do than update my webjournal.
I hate using these school computers, they're annoying and the keyboards are different to my Mac at home. It's a rare opportuntiy to be on a computer at school, though. We don't have ICT in year 10 (which sucks, because I wanted to take it as a GCSE!)
Overall, today wasn't too bad. I don't want to kill anyone in particular, and I didn't have any arguments, thankfully. I'm not so depressed right now, either, which is ok, but it does tend to give me creative block if I'm in a half decent mood.
I can't think of anything much else to write at the moment, so I'll update again this evening, when I'll probably be in a worse mood.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2003 14 December :: 8.59 pm
:: Mood: crappy
I Have a Headache
I feel like crap... I have a headache, a stomach ache and I'm still depressed (real suprise there.) I'm hoping my school will burn itself down or something by tomorrow, but I doubt it will manage that.
So I'll be facing another day of trying to control my anger and looking for a dark hole. I think one of these days I'm going to let go, it may be something small, like yelling at everyone because I hate them so much, or something more drastic, like killing a lot of people, or myself. Or all of them, come to think of it. Yes, that sounds like a good idea. I doubt I'll manage it though, so maybe I'll stick with the yelling until I can get myself a gun.
I had a really boring day today. I finished my English essay on Hard Times by Charles Dickens, and it's good to get that out of the way, but I still have to redraft my crap Glass Menagerie essay before Friday. I don't thibk I'll bother, to be honest. I mean, I did get a B+, which is ok, and I haven't the energy to add to it.
On a brighter, or perhaps more depressing note, I saw the video to Silver and Cold by AFI for the first time today. It's quite depressing (three of the four band members die) but it has to be the best video I've ever seen. It was shot in Prague, so I want to go there now, and stand on the bridge that Davey was going to jump off. Brilliant video though, much better than their others, though the one to Girl's Not Grey was quite cool.
I'll report on the hell that is my school when I get home tomorrow afternoon. And whether I broke any metephorical windows.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2003 14 December :: 1.19 pm
:: Mood: indifferent
Quiz Results
This is a little worrying:
This is cool:
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test
I got:
Fifth Level of Hell
The river Styx runs through this level of Hell, and in it are punished the wrathful and the gloomy. The former are forever lashing out at each other in anger, furious and naked, tearing each other piecemeal with their teeth. The latter are gurgling in the black mud, slothful and sullen, withdrawn from the world. Their lamentations bubble to the surface as they try to repeat a doleful hymn, though with unbroken words they cannot say it. Because you lived a cruel, vindictive and hateful life, you meet your fate in the Styx.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2003 13 December :: 8.19 pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Moonsorrow - Aurinko Ja Kuu
Metaphors
I think it's time I introduced the two metaphorical concepts I tend to use a lot: The Pond Theory, and The Window.
The Pond Theory
This is the metephor for high school. The popular people are in the pond, and each of their gangs are ripples. The gangs are always shifting and changing, and new ones are always forming, just like ripples, and they have all the different rings, with the smaller, inner rings being the few leaders, and the larger outer rings being the many followers.
Around the pond is the bank, where the unpopular sit and watch and laugh at the people in the pond. But some of the outermost ripples have reached the edge of the pond, and they become the breeze creating for the first time, ripples in the grass.
I retreated into the long grass, which is where the unpopular go when they don't want to watch the pond any more, and I am given two choices: the tunnels or the trees.
If I climb a tree I will distance myself further, but I will be able to see the pond again, and if I climb too high, I may just fall into the pond itself.
If I go into the tunnels, I will not be able to see much, and the corruption from the bottom of the pond will seep through and twist me, but I will be isolated from the light.
The Window
The people around me represent a window that is slowly breaking. They will fall apart like pieces of glass, some onto the carpet of the house, where they may meet other fallen shards, and some into the hail outside, where they will shatter and be filled with pain.
I am not part of the window. Once, I was the glue, and tried to repair it, but the damage was too great and I was too weak. Now, I stand in the hail, with one arm raised. In the hand of that arm I have a stone, poised to throw. I may smash the window and end it all now, so the pain is quick, and over soon.
Well, there you have it, the two great metaphors of Selidor's life. I can't be bothered to put an actual entry in after all that, I think I may go and post on the forums.
Before I go, here is the hell I designed:
Little Kids
Circle I Limbo The Pope
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind Certain 'friends'
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow Townies, Popular People
Circle IV Rolling Weights TCPA Supporters
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled River Styx Tony Blair
Circle VI Buried for Eternity River Phlegyas Microsoft Employees
Circle VII Burning Sands George Bush, Mrs West
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement Bill Gates
Circle IX Frozen in Ice Design your own hell
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2003 11 December :: 8.25 pm
:: Mood: Somewhat satisfied
I may be depressed, but I'm still feeling vaguely satisfied. I've been working on my website a lot lately, and I'm really getting somewhere with it.
I have put frames into the layout (which is no longer all messed-up, and the links aren't broken as much.
Still, I can't put much art in, since I don't have a scanner at home, I have to give stuff to my dad to scan in at his office.
Talking of which, his birthday is tomorrow, and I need to finish his card off, so I better go.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2003 5 December :: 5.34 pm
:: Mood: depressed
Sometimes I just get so depressed it feels like there is a giant weight pressing down on me and trying to crush me into nothing. But it won't get anywhere, I'm already a nothing.
The people around me are falling out and falling apart and making new friends, but I haven't got any new friends, or any way of making new ones. I don't do socialising, and there aren't any clubs or organisations for the things I'm interested in. Not in my area, anyway.
So life in general just sucks, to put it bluntly, and i'm becoming more anti-social by the day. It's got to the point when all I want to do at lunch and break is go and sit on my own somewhere and write or draw. But I can't even do that. There aren't any dark holes or quite places in the school any more. Even the library is crowded and noisy.
Sometimes I just feel like I want everyone to die, so then I could be left in peace at last. Or the other way around, then I wouldn't be here to care.
I don't even get alond with the friends I do have. One of them doesn't care if I'm upset and abandons me in search of better friends every science lesson, the other I barely have anything in common with, so I don't talk to. And the final friend just completely confuses me. I don't talk to her as often as I used to, and she keeps telling me one thing, then saying something completely different later, and when I mention that she 'changes her mind a lot' she rants about how no one believes her.
And they all have new friends except me. At the end of all of this, they will all hate each other, and I will have faded into the background and no one will notice. I will have no friends at all.
Endlessly, she said... |
::
2003 2 December :: 9.26 pm
:: Mood: drained
Just a quick update tonight, I haven't got time for more.
I've had terrible problems with my RS homework. We were told to make a visitor's guide for a church, but given no help or information.
I had an argument with my dad because I said I couldn't do it, and he said it's because I use the computer too much...
Well, that makes sense, doesn't it?
It's not as if what I use the computer for is inconstuctive either. I do useful things like teach myself HTML for my website, and write stories and poems.
I just don't see the point of me being forced to take RS Christianity Long Course as a GCSE. I'm an aethiest, with no thoughts of converting to any religion, and I know nothing about churches.
Still, I have the homework done, and even though it's really really bad, I did my best. (Not that best effort counts to Mrs Sage, we just have to do perfect work and get A's)
Endlessly, she said... |
|
