I sit and take slow, deliberate hits while he chain smokes his cheap cigars, bought at a seedy gas station at 1 a.m. He's infuriatingly accomodating and I want to scream FIGHT BACK but instead I take a few more hits, two aggresively and the next so passive but he takes no notice and explains on why I am oh so very right . Decidedly I hit it again and confide, I'm very dark, and he laughs it off and asks, is that what you think? And I laugh it off too, is it hollow to him, I wonder, and put myself back, what was I thinking??

I miss letting my eyelashes graze your cheek, your hot breath on my neck, the proximity of our lips before we get lost in a tangle of passion and lust and love and you’re inside me and we are one. Everyone I look at has the same blank face and all I see is you missing from the picture and weeks before your return. I love it when I struggle against you and you hold me so tight that, with all my might, I can’t move your arm an inch because, baby, I might struggle against you sometimes but please don’t let me go. I get so caught up in you and me and us and this happiness sometimes and my fears come crashing in and knocking me back to reality; I think they may be all that keeps me from floating away but it’s such a staggering weight that it gnaws at my brain until I face them and let them override everything you tell me. I’ve never been so scared and so thrilled at the same time. I’ve protected myself for so long, so hard that this is unfamiliar territory we’re charting here, but whatever we encounter, I know we can face because I can be the strongest woman in the world for you. So this is love. The only possible explanation for why I’m so consumed with everything that is you, for knowing the freckles on your back with such detail, the curve of your lips with such intensity, for why I could fill pages about my insatiable desire for you, even just to be near you, for one second if that’s all I could have. You know, I criticized so much before I met you and now I understand. Sometimes you just know. Every factor can work against our favor but as long as we have that one magical moment, it’s enough. When I look into your eyes and we laugh together I know. Why I waited so long for you, I know. I know why we were both at the same place that night, why five years ago we couldn’t be together, why I sent you a text message so long ago even though my strategy would dictate not to, why we were hit by that hurricane and the phone connected long enough to let us speak, why we arrived at that New Years party too late. I know now to put my trust in you, because I know you are my one. You’re the one I’ll change for and grow with. The one for whom I’ll bite my tongue in an argument because I’d rather be happy than right, the one I always hope is on the other end when my phone rings, the one that makes me smile like a giddy little kid just to hear your voice on the other end. This whole page can be summarized in three meaningful little words, but it’s everything I mean every time I say it. It terrifies me to show this to you, but I’m going to because I want you to know me inside and out like I want to know you. I’m going to bite my lip and suck it up and just drop it in your pocket and just hope you don’t think I’m too crazy and maybe if I’m lucky you’ll agree. I love you more than I can express in one stupid letter. I love you with my whole being, with everything I am and will become, forever.

okay that's it  breathe in deep now   hold it  hold it   that's it  hold

 them back don't let them fall  exhale release it slowly  that's it  feel

 it ? you have control    don't cry don't cry    you can read it all you 

want  the words don't offer any more meaning than they did the last 

four times although now you have them memorized and just keep thinking about it    STOP   

 it makes no difference to think about it  you knew it  you laughed at 

this outside the 7-11 without so much as a sideways glance  ..  

relax , finish the joint  and repeat it again and a million different 

things you could reply but no no no no no nononono 

you're not going to do it   no matter what





          pause and look over your shoulder to the screen

nothing yet..... 



go inside and get it all out    sit down and enjoy the show . 

forgetaboutit  there's nothing to think about anymore ! 

don't answer it don't answer it don't answer it



that is ..

if it even rings.

you should never believe a word that comes out of a man's lips , especially but not limited to if you're sleeping with him . he'll smile and he'll tell you you're not like anyone else he's known but once he has you he won't care anymore . now you're no different and consideration is a thing of the past . his stupid smartass comments beg a long reply best screamed at the top of your lungs but instead you delete that text message and leave yourself a mental note , or perhaps a more physical one , to leave that door locked no matter how badly you want to leave it open and pretend you didn't hear it and act surprised to see him when you have something he wants . but the truth is , it was never really surprising , because you gave it to him with no questions asked or terms specified and it's really just your goddamn fault for being so naive .

"i'm glad i didn't die before i met you .
but now i don't care , i could go anywhere with you ..
and i'd probably be happy ."

after i came back it just wasn't the same . and i tried not saying anything , hoping maybe it would become what it was yesterday , what it was ten minutes ago , but it just got worse and worse . i felt so violated , like my emotions were nothing , like i should shut up and take it , like that's what you wanted . now , in retrospect , i'm so nauseous . i know there's nothing wrong but maybe there is something wrong and that's the problem . como me expreso cuando hablo y hablo y nada te entra ? i feel so vulnerable . i feel like i've given you all i have and you don't know me at all . i wish i could just let you into my head and maybe you'd understand because i know you want to , i know you want to , but you just don't . i hate this feeling . i know it'll go away but i wish it would go away sooner .

a celebration was in order for the end of the semester / awesome grades / I CAN SMOKE MORE POT THAN EVER BEFORE so we got the hotel and it went under our tongues and we headed to the beach so we didn't burn up stuffing nine people in one tiny little room and once we got there we realized we forgot the tequila but by then it was too late because we'd never make it back to the room alive trying to cross collins ave. when which cars were real ? and i saw that bus but he didn't so does that mean i'd be alive right now and he wouldn't or it just doesn't mean anything at all ? so we made it to the room but nobody even wanted any tequila and brian spilled the salt anyway all over his hand ... maybe he doesn't even need any more tequila . so why did we come back to the room ? and we went back to the beach with that same dilemma with the cars and this building wasn't here last time ... but let's go a different way because this is a concentration camp and i don't want to be here ! so okay just forget it look , it's a palace , and i guess you're right . but i'm soooooo hungry so it's back to collins to get some food , and i have twenty dollars ! and ana has twenty dollars and lance has twenty dollars ! and we can have all the food we want but after three croquetas i realize i'm not even hungry at all so you can finish them and the chicken wings too but let's go back to the room . so we finally made it to our destination but it's constantly changing so it's not much of an accomplishment but anyway we're chilling and awesome until there's a knock on the door and so much for security because now we have to drive anyway so i guess it's over but just try not to let yourself focus on one thing for too long especially not the lines on the road but especially not the stoplights because maybe you won't really see the right color so just try and stay behind one car for the entire ride home and ONE MORE DAY TO LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND , TO GO WHERE YOU HAVE NEVER EVEN TRIED . DON'T YOU LET YOUR INHIBITIONS GUIDE YOUR WAY .

do you have any idea what it's like to be stuggling to fulfill someone else's dream for you ? to smile and lie through your teeth about your own happiness just to give somebody else theirs and not have them care about it ? to not have what you want because you're too busy caring about what they want and in the end , they don't even notice ? it's times like these that make it a little harder to keep promises and a little easier to just leave the house and a little happier to give yourself what you wanted , even just once . it's times like these i know you're not there for me because i cried to myself this time . it's times like these i know i'm not what i make myself out to be and so does everybody else . the bills keep on coming and i'm not running but maybe one day i'll just pull all my courage together and find what i want and follow my heart and forget your dreams and mail you a check every two weeks until my dues are paid . i'll start a new life somewhere without anyone except one and you'll already be used to the quiet house and the empty chair before i've even finished packing .

is this a joke ? bullshit man .


Tickets (Buzz Bake Sale)
Full Price Tickets US $35.00 x 2
Total Building Facility Charge(s) US $4.00 x 2
Total Convenience Charge(s) US $8.15 x 2

Order Processing Charge(s) US $4.10
Standard Mail No Charge

TOTAL CHARGES US $98.40

100 dollars for two buzz bakesale tickets ? what bullshit !

no hay nada que compara a hacer el amor con alguien que amas . dimelo cantando mi amor o dimelo sonriendo o dimelo suavesito o damelo suavesito y dime que bailando me conosiste . ya no somos novios . ya tu eres mi otra mitad baby si no eres mas que eso . tu eres mi mundo entero y te daria el mundo entero si no mas se te ocurre que lo quieres . podemos recorrer el mundo entero y no hay nadie que compara contigo . yo no sabia que esto existia y si podria yo volveria a ese dia en junio en esa fiesta y te pediria que te casaras conmigo para no gastar esos seis meses sin tu presencia en mi vida y ahora mismo estuviera a tu lado en vez de en mi casa escribiendote algo que nunca veras por lo timida que soy . pero no te preocupes baby ( me estoy imaginando tu sonrisa porque se que preocupacion no es problema para ti ) que estoy trabajando en areglar eso y si la solucion esta en tomarme mil fotos y dejarme llever lo hare con gusto mi amor . que mas te puedo decir que tu no sabes todavia ? todo lo que estoy cayendo en cuenta ahora es todo lo que tu me has estado diciendo pero es que perdoname baby pero yo no sabia ... si me disculpas te prometo que lo que sigue valdra la pena de tener que pasar por mis estupidezes si tengo que pasar el resto de mi vida demonstrandotelo .

if it makes you feel good , do it .