it's an almost overwhelming sense of despair that begins to set in when i enter . i can smell it before my key is even in the lock , and the oblivious smile from one makes me realize that perhaps it is a sixth sense , while the obviously overly cheerful smile from the other confirms my suspicions . i'm eighteen , not nineteen , i want to yell . i want to cry , scream , jump over this white countertop and rip out your eyes with my bare hands , while he sits unsuspecting , blowing out candles . i avoid all eye contact because i am afraid of what will happen if it is made . for that one brief moment , our eyes meet , and i know that the hurt and disappointment in my eyes will mean nothing tomorrow , if anything today . i should be used to this by now , she reminds me , as you smile for the camera . i reach for the knife and soap both sides before sliding it into the dishwasher . i go upstairs to reapply the eyeliner that has faded because it is unfortunately not waterproof , to go somewhere that i know will only add to my increasingly fading emotions . i should stay . i should go downstairs and tell you i hate you to your face while i still have the chance . instead , i leave . before i reach the halfway point to my destination , i know i should turn the car around and go anywhere else . take my car to south county regional park and bury my heart somewhere in the sand beneath the slide , where it's not so readily available to you . instead , i ask you why you wore that shirt , when you know i'm a sucker for blue eyes . you kiss me , and i know why , and at that moment , i don't care more than i do .

before i can walk through the door , i hand over my ID and pray for it to be handed back , no problem , which it is . i open the door to hear the music for a second while the other five cross the barrier and the bassline hits so hard that my heart starts pounding ... later on , it's three a.m. and andy c. just dropped his first beat ... nothing too amazing , because aquasky's record is still on , but give it five minutes and you know i'll be out there giving it all i've got . soulslinger was kind of disappointing , but danny the wildchild would have been worth the five and a half hours that we drove to see him , even though we didn't get to . my sandals are shaking from the bassline , sitting on the edge of the speaker next to five empty water bottles and three empty beer bottles , and even though they have been abandoned for five hours , nobody would ever think of taking them . nothing can top ultra , but then nothing can top global gathering , but then new republic , loxy and ink , total science , technical itch , goldie , and grooverider makes me realize that nothing can top metalheadz . however ... before i'm even waiting in line , i can see that it stretches to the corner and it's only 10:30 , and that's when i know that NOTHING can top world of drum n bass . i'm not even through the door and i have three people to keep me entertained . at 10:49 when i do enter , i realize that 5 o'clock is far too early to leave , but after twisted individual , dj craze , bassline smith , friction and swift , ed rush and optical , dj ss and shy fx , planet of the drums , killa kela and mc trip , andy c. , fabio , and grooverider , i feel like my twenty dollars were well-spent . next ... afternoon , at 6 p.m. , after answering like FIFTY phone calls and handling them all in my sleep , i get ready for technical itch again , but he was somewhat disappointing . after ak1200 , my calves are so sore that i can't walk to the bathroom to drink water from the sink because i can't afford six dollars for a bottle , and my feet are so dirty that days later in the shower i'm still scrubbing them , but it's from five days of dancing , not just one , so it's no big deal . i hope everybody's spring break is as amazing as mine .

Hey girls ...


Hey boys ...


Superstar DJs ...



HERE WE GO !!!!!

picture yourself in a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies
somebody calls you
you answer quite slowly
a girl with kalaidescope eyes
celophane flowers in yellow and green
towering over your head
look for the girl with the sun in her eyes and she's gone

follow her hair down to her bridge by her fountain
her rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies
everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers that grow so incredibly high

newspaper taxis appear on the shore
waiting to take you away
climb in the back with your head in the clouds and you're gone

picture yourself on a train in a station with plasticine porters
with looking glass ties
suddenly somebody's there at the turnstile
the girl with kalaidescope eyes

lucy in the sky with diamonds

*sigh* i'm too tall for this .

susanis a winner (8:35:17 PM): i wish you knew statistics
Sup 4 Man99 (8:35:25 PM): how bout this
Sup 4 Man99 (8:35:45 PM): Its probable that ur gonna get a grade below 85%
Sup 4 Man99 (8:36:01 PM): *cue rimshot*
susanis a winner (8:37:08 PM): ouch
Sup 4 Man99 (8:37:37 PM): yeah that was a bit harsh...
Sup 4 Man99 (8:38:56 PM): but is it true?
Sup 4 Man99 (8:39:08 PM): id say the probability for that is blue
susanis a winner (8:39:28 PM): i think the probability is apple .
Sup 4 Man99 (8:39:36 PM): intriguing
Sup 4 Man99 (8:40:11 PM): this would fit into Homer Simpsons theory of the donut shaped universe
susanis a winner (8:40:39 PM): i hate statistics
Sup 4 Man99 (8:42:12 PM): so what do u think the the percentage of the population is that hates it too? :-P
susanis a winner (8:42:31 PM): 100 ,000 % .
susanis a winner (8:42:37 PM): is that right ?
susanis a winner (8:42:38 PM): fuck
susanis a winner (8:42:40 PM): i think it was d .
Sup 4 Man99 (8:42:56 PM): no
Sup 4 Man99 (8:42:59 PM): it was apple
Sup 4 Man99 (8:43:04 PM): jeez you really are gonna fail

... mmm .... best weekend ever . i'm SO tired .

i will NEVER be the same ...

what the FUCK just happened ?!!?!?!!

...

nothing will ever be more amazing than last night . nothing else could ever even come CLOSE to the kind of experience i just had .

NOTHING .

i was WALKING THROUGH MY HOUSE .

XxGHeTToTRaSHxX (1:49:19 PM): i watched the grammys last night
XxGHeTToTRaSHxX (1:52:44 PM): guess who won most talked about concert performance
XxGHeTToTRaSHxX (1:53:20 PM): CHEMICAL BROTHERS!

as i lean the seat as far back as it will go, i click "end" and picture you at your best: smiling, dancing, rolling your eyes (and rolling, for that matter) and laughing because you don't understand, or because you're not worried and know what's going on in my head. i turn the volume down so i can sleep better, giggle, sigh, and softly sing along "don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing is gonna be alright".

Raidel says:
I really hate Spanish
susan says:
what ??? why ?
Raidel says:
I don't know after I learned english it just sounds weird
Raidel says:
I even prefer Japanese over it

i can't live my life for you anymore because you kicked me out of yours awhile ago .

today the two extremes met for the first time , face to face . the opposites , the two sides of everything . pessimist and optimist . past and present . downer and upper . and one reached over , arm extended , laughing , and i don't know if that made you like or dislike it that much more , but it was most likely the latter - that tends to be your reaction .

*sigh* i don't know why i waste my time . honestly .

in other news , best new friends ever . party people , on the floor . haha . how can every day be the best party ever ?! it just is .

in other news , most amazing system ever . even if you've heard systems before . baller ? i know , i know .

spend new years eve the way you'll be spending the new year ... at the biggest party ever . mmm ! hialeah gardens , you know what's up .

hahaha ohhh man . what a day and it's only 12:26 p.m. I GOT A C IN CALCULUS . fuck yea , man . and after my music technology grade gets put in , i'll have a 4.2 GPA . mmmmmmm hot ? you know it . and yea ... you never know what the future will bring , only what the past has given you . <3

i love fighting with people . i love it because even when you're sitting there and stuffing the notes into the back of your drawer and slamming it shut violently , in the back of your mind , you know you're doing that because you can't burn them . i love it because you throw the mix cds into the back of your car instead of out your window . i love it because you can sit and look through your phone for phone numbers all you want but you know you're not going to dial a single one , because you'd feel like a fool tomorrow when you're not fighting anymore . and when you sit and watch your movies , the ones that lack surprise or originality , the ones that tell you that everything is going to be alright in the end , the ones that make you realize that your fight is stupid and there is so much more you could be doing than leaving your phone upstairs so you can check it every five minutes with the excuse that you may not have heard it ring ... you know that tomorrow you won't have this much time on your hands . you know that tomorrow you won't be angry when the phone rings and it's not that one person . you know that tomorrow you won't cry your way through the same movie three times . you know that tomorrow it will be alright . and i've been doing it religiously . watching every movie i should , slamming every door , using every box of tissues in the house ... and things aren't alright . things aren't going to be the way they were before , no matter how many times i change the track number because the song is sentimental .