jaganshi
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2005 5 August :: 10.47pm
June 30th Entry
You know, I'm always amazed at the things people have no opinions about. I can write an entry in which I basically admit that I'm out to get all of you. And that has absolutely no impact? It's totally irrelevant to you.
You don't have to respond. I don't really know whether I expect you to answer. However, to have an opinion and not share it when invited to do so... not my game. It actually baffles me a little.
Of course I was worried that people would post to tell me that I'm a good person and they don't know me very well but they can tell by the way I write that I'm a nice girl and I shouldn't worry about that because everybody feels that way sometimes so I should just know that I have people to talk to if I need to *less-than-three*.
Or something.
Maybe that's why no one said anything. Because that's the only acceptable response to an entry like that. But really... do blog communities exist to reinforce one's sense of humanity? If that's true, people need to clean out the angst like old earwax and get to loving harmony and shit.
However, if you have anything else to say in the future, feel free. It's why I post here. Because the truth does hurt and sometimes I want to hurt you like only I can.
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Jaganshi
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2005 31 July :: 3.00am
Ignore the nocturnal bitterness.
I've been getting back into some of the artsy stuff that interested me before I got to field school. It's not that it's creatively stifling to be around so many people, but when I can't be alone, I have problems uncurling my brain enough to do something new with it. Staying on the IPFW campus has been good for me. I don't have to be near so many people. I don't mind them. I even like many of them. But the fact remains the time I've had to myself, whether while working on a computer or spending a weekend or two alone, has done wonders for me. I felt kind of... bound.
But I'm starting a piece of artwork I've been wanting to do for a while now, and due to recent events I think that this character deserves a representation.
Also, some interesting questions have come up. I don't know that I want to address them in detail at this point, when I'm quite frankly a bit tired. But, here goes. The question has recently arisen that if I were a god, what would I be the god of? People often have some kind of theme to their personality. I guess mine might be obsession. For better or worse. There's no middle ground for me. Every opinion is polarized somehow. Except on the subject of caramel, which not only do I have no feelings on one way or the other... but I can't even decide how to pronounce it.
However, consider this theme carefully. The obsession theme actually puts me frighteningly close to Desire of the Endless. I don't know how I feel about that.
The problems I have with it are as follows:
First of all, it seems a little egotistical, which stops me more often than you might imagine.
Second, I don't think people are supposed to embrace the cruelty inherent in Desire. I mean, sure it's there. But there are conventions in place to prevent that from coming out. It's malicious but oddly indulgent.
Third, isn't this what I've been avoiding thinking about for a long time? I mean, I've considered it with a sort of vague pride, but I've never questioned it or cared about the consequences. I manipulate people. It's what I do. Call it charisma, attribute it to a certain affable streak. The only problem is that those things are not conscious. When I stop analyzing the most efficient combinations of words and expressions to get what I want we can change the designation to friendliness from calculated manipulation.
Sometimes I manipulate people out of indulgence. There have been people who could not be trusted with their own well-being. They wanted someone to make them feel like there was something in the world worth wanting. To tell such people the truth (as I always eventually did) was cruel, sadistic, and the only payment I asked for in the end. That final taste, that final truth. That final destruction of everything I'd built around them, leaving them honest and naked. I relished it. And there's nothing in me to persuade me it's wrong to tell people the truth out of cruelty. To enjoy their pain as they realize I've never been on their side. I've been enjoying their happiness as some bizarre form of psychological foreplay. It's not the point, but it will do for a while. Whether or not they become stronger in the end or break entirely is up to them.
I don't know whether the strong ones or the weak ones are ultimately more rewarding. The strong ones allow that nice self-righteous feeling. The one that tells you you've done exactly what you should be doing. It's a surprise that never fails to amuse... when one of them, after being pulled to the dirt and bloodied again and again, stands and defies their own weakness. In a way, it makes me want them more. The ones who break... well, all I can say is better luck next time.
There's only one question... What about love? I know that I do. But where could it possibly come from to have the strength to pass all that monstrous venom unharmed? I don't expect an answer from any of you. I'll be surprised if anything I've said sinks in. Part of me hopes it will. I hope it does because I want you to understand and because when you finally do appreciate all that I've said, the nagging uncertainties will live in your mind long after you've forgotten me.
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Jaganshi
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2005 25 July :: 5.01pm
I feel like I should say something. Something about drinking alone, something about wanting to drink a white russian instead of coffee with my morning can of ravioli. Something about Raven from Teen Titans. Something about Dawn or Eve or Myrnal or one of the other RP plots I'm devising.
Something about feeling lonely... or maybe feeling like I should be lonely. I don't know if I am. I was in a room by myself for the past couple of days, and I liked it. Except for meals, I didn't see anyone if I didn't want to. I like being alone. The only reason I can be around Brian no matter what is that he's not an extra person like these people are. He's an extension of myself. The only difference between being alone and being with Brian is that instead of being the voice in my head that never lets me be lonely he's right there. Like wearing my hair down as opposed to tied back. I'm forced to recognize that it's there and why I grew it in the first place. Being around Brian forces me to remember why he's the most important figure in my life. I'm rambling. I know it. I'll stop this subject until someone wants more details and forces me to clarify. I know this makes no sense but I'm too tired from looking at numbers to tell exactly how.
There are things to say.
There are things I miss, and things I wish I could bring myself to miss. Things I wish I could care about.
I was thinking about Caleb the other day. I'm so glad he's gone. I never thought I'd be happy never to see someone again. Usually I've got some snide remark, some driving urge to have the last word, to finally win, to deliver the coup de grace... but not with him. I just want him to stay gone. I'm not bitter anymore, though I probably would be if he ever showed up. I just... don't care. The girl who loved him until her mind broke is dead. I killed her myself. If Caleb wants to visit her grave he's entitled. But he wouldn't like what he found.
I'm happy now. In a way that would never have been possible with him. The difference? Brian loves me. He loves me. And that's worth everything.
Link is having a son. A son that I'll probably never meet. I don't know how to feel about that. If I were his girlfriend, I probably wouldn't want my fiance's ex-girlfriend hanging around, so I definitely understand. It's just... he is my friend. I could never have loved him romantically, but he needed me, and he had no one else to take up his cross for a long time. No one but me. I can't help but feel like I got him away from Tara and got him to the point where he could be with someone else. I was never dating him. He never loved me. He loved me like nicotine gum. But I took care of him for a while until someone else could give him what he wanted. He was in danger because of Tara. He's still here because of me. I don't entirely approve of what he's done with his second chance, but he had it. Not everyone does. He had a chance. And now he's having a son.
So. What do I do now? Go back to my hotel room, have a drink. Watch some TV. Wait for tomorrow to come so that I can get online and continue gamemastering. I enjoy it. I feel like in the midst of all the spreadsheets and numbers and geophysical equipment I'm creating something. I hope I can live up to what I've started.
So... I don't know what else to say. Comment with questions, comments, points of clarification, whatever you wish. Don't be shy. LJ is for me to vent my weird rantings. It's also for you to see if you choose. I share the feelings that don't matter in the long run, being mere chemical fluctuations in my brain. The chemicals pass and they're irrelevant again. But for now, for the sake of thorough records... here they are.
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hallish
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2005 25 July :: 3.51am
:: Mood: Communistic
:: Music: Water Temple // Zelda Ocarina of Time
Feelin' Communistic!
That should have it's own mood icon. XD Anyway. It's true. I have been in a communistic mood since yesterday. (Speaking of which, I'll get into the party later in the entry.) I also called everyone who I was supposed to this weekend, which was just one person. And her voice mail was full, so I'll try again some other time this week. XD All I have to do is my summer work for school, clean my room, and hope I get my damn job sometime this summer. -_- I only have a month of summer vacation left. Then again, I am so sick of the heat. T_T I want COLD weather again. Maybe even just COOL. T_T
Anywhose, the party started awesome, and ended up that night in controversy, sort of. Long story.
I was the commie of the party. XD Everyone was calling me commie, b'cause I'd rather than than my real name. XD I was supposed to educate them, but I forgot.. :sweat: We played truth or dare, even though we couldn't get too uh, daring. O_o Parents bein' round and all. But I'm a pussy and I stick with truth. -.- It's easier. Manhunt was fun, I caught my friend. She didn't even see me. I'M THE ELUSIVE COMMUNIST. REEEEEEOOOOOW. >__________<
Uh. Then it ended in a bad way. D: So yeah. That night, I couldn't sleep. I ended up watching everyone else sleep. Tiffany ended up sleep walking.. well, more like crawling, XD, over to the other chair. ( I sleep in chairs. I know, weird. Easier on the back than the floor, though. D: ) She woke up a couple of hours later, and asked me how the fuck she ended up there. I was all "You kinda just crawled over, I thought you were concious." And there was some snickering done, and then I attempted to fall asleep, only to have a strange dream about being in the London bombings. Then I woke up because someone turned on the TV upstairs, and it was bitching and moaning about a heat wave. XD
I have the stupidest dreams, I think. I got home, slept until seven ish at night, then watched The Pianist. Fuck, I haven't watched that in forever. I need to get my soundtrack that I lent to a friend back, b'cause I adore the music from that movie. :3nod: And, that's kinda it. I'm in a Zelda Roleplay right now. *YAYS*
AND HO SHIT. SNEKISNEKI CALLED. X3 That was fun, but the bad reception was mean. It beeped. O.o; Beeping pisses me off, but eh, it can't be helped. XD *causes the beeping to spontaneously combust with her non-existant mind powers.*
Bye? XD
- Hallish-ish.
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hallish
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2005 18 July :: 7.33pm
:: Music: Help! // The Beatles
SHIT HAPPENS! XD
And that it does. Gaia is being a fuckhead and eating all my goddamn posts. And manipulating me to think that I forgot to post. xD
It's because I have such a bad memory, that's why it's so easy for it to manipulate me in this heat. xD
I still have to work on those two commissions that I have for my free thread. D:
But some sucker bought my trunk for 4.6k last night, so I;m only 1k away from a name change.
I still like the odd name I came up with. xD with a little help from my friends, of course.
.. xD My crazy IRL friends.
But I want to save up about 20k so I have leftovers. B'cause I want to buy the superstar blue tint shades. Which are 5k even, I think.
And I have a zit in my nose. Firstly. How the fuck. Secondly, it hurts. xD I was washing my face, and I always scrub my nose, b'cause it's .. uh. Gross. x.x; That's the summer's fault. -.-; So it just hurts. LOTS. D: And I'm sneezing lots too. -_- I hate sneezing.
Sigh. Ow. Grawr. xD
Somtimes I think it's weird when my friends come to me for advice.. I like it, but it's just so strange telling them what they should do. xD
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