this is the story of a girl
and I cried myself to sleep

tobeyourselfisallthatyoucando
First week of no school. And I went to school. Took Katie so she could help the teachers pack. And I passed around the thank you cards.

I'm enjoying my summer. Not as eventful as I'd like, but the rest is amazing. And the lack of stress. However I've been reminded of an aspect of summer I've forgotten over the year: the lack of food. I have breakfast. That's about it. Usually junk or such through the day and late at night to cover me. No lunch. No dinner. I was wondering today if my parents even ate something. I don't remember it becoming a fend-for-yourself you'll-never-know-if-there-was-food type evening.

At least I got myself a tub of Coldstone's icecream.


What else is new? Events I guess. I've been told it's because they think I'm hiding something? Who isn't? I'm glad people can see the pain and trouble involved in talking, can recognize the advancements made, can forgive for whateverthehelltransgression they're holding against. It gives me hope for the people in the world and the future of humankind to know that generosity and understanding are abound in the youth.
Tell me you've never hidden something from me. Tell me you've given me reason to trust you. Tell me I made a huge offense to you that is completely unforgivable. And then tell me what that offense is so I can finally comprehend why I'm being punished.


I really like The Killers. And Anberlin. I think they're my two favorite bands for the month.

ladykiller
So tired.

No studying. None. Not matter?
Gotta learn history.
And find those english notes on those books....

I download about 130 Disney songs. ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY!! Crazy.
Realy hope they can't track me.

*relives Disney memories*


One more week...
One more week..


Youth Orchestra gave me 2 trophies! o.0 I feel kinda bad.

we are who we are when
4/28 was the last test of my high school career. It was a Calculus Mock.

Today was the last day of high school. Last actual full day with meaningful classes and teachers and all the kids and all. I might go on Friday. But it just won't be the same.

It's really weird. Today was the last day I'll eat food from the cafeteria. The last time I'll eat at the top tier with the other seniors. The last percussion class with my boys. It's a mildly upsetting feeling to know that they're moving on without me.


Grad Nite was Friday. Bus with Anderson and the regulars. Kinda not happy. 5 hours up. Tough. Went around the park with Amanda, Lauren, Amalia, Anderson, Gabe, and Chris (don't ask). It was SO MUCH FUN! There was like no wait for the rides! We ran through the line set-up at Pirates of the Carribean. Skipped through the line set-up for Splash Mountain. We did Splash Mountain twice. The second time I even did it with one arm up! And both up for all the little ones! ALL! So proud. Took lots of pics at Small World and some illegal ones from Peter Pan. Haunted Mansion rocked my socks. Thunder Mountain broke right before we got on. Philharmagic was really cute. Singing along rocked.
There was just something uber cool about running through Magic Kingdom at 2 in the morning with your friends and a whole bunch of seniors listening to Yellowcard play live.
We met some kids from Mass. For some reason I thought this was just FL. Was pretty weird seeing kids who actually flew in for this. Crazy stuff. Bought a whole bunch of pins. Awesome Grad Nite pin!
5 hour drive back. KILLER. So much pain. -.-

3 hours sleep. Up for Ensemble Concert. Played all 3 ensembles...interesting improvs but the crowd loved it.



I feel.....so out of place. So awkward. So left-out. It's like middle school and I hate it. Like I don't fit in with anyone. They have nothing to write me. Nothing to say to me. I realize I haven't ever really been myself. I realize I don't even know what myself really is. I'm too afraid from past experiences and how people reacted then. And then I see the girls acting like how I used to then and....resent not being open anymore. But I was hurt so many times already...can you blame me? No one would even help me take my truck down the slope I was that despised. They looked down on me like I was diseased. Do you know what it's like to feel that way?

I realize that I can't go four years keeping ties with the same people. They're gone. I doubt they'll want to keep up with me.


Still hurts so much. And people think I don't care what others think about me. A curse. Curse me. Curse them. Die. And here I have to grow. Oh goodness, I forgot about going back to say hi to the nurses. I guess I will have to go Friday.

And still my yearbook is filled with messages I don't dare read. What does this mean?
Are they fake? I suppose so...but which? How many? Surely not all...
So many signs pointing noways and allways and upways and sideways. I don't know what to do or what to believe.

I hope the summer is as much hanging out and fun as I picture in my head. Parties every week? Times spent with all of them? Getting to know the most obscure peoples even a little better? But as the one signature said, "What does it matter? I leave in a few months anyway and it's not like I would've kept in touch anyway. I'll forget that they ever existed and then what does it matter? I won't keep in touch with any of the people from high school anyway."
Bittersweet? Pessimistic. All I ever predicted. Maybe.....is that why I can never open myself truthfully? To people I tried so hard to get close to? I still expected to leave them? Fear of abandonment?!? WTH. That can't be true.


*Le Sigh*

IB Exams start tomorrow. Start. Tomorrow. TOMORROW. TOMORROW!!!
*sigh* It hasn't hit me yet. Will it ever? Meh. I dunno. Guess it doesn't matter anymore. Ah, I can only predict the relief I will feel when these are done.
Tomorrow is Calculus.


Crappy. Random burst of sharing emotion. Must be the 'late night' and stress from all the anticipating.

*continues to free-fall down the abyss and waits to feel the KER-SPLAT of the coolcoolbrimstone*

rip my paper heart

Couldn't resist bringing this one back....it is almost over!

Which IB Book are you?

hominid evolution does not like lighter fluid!
Yeah, all right all right, you want an actual update?

Not much is going on.....Okay maybe everything is going on.

States was awesome! Can't believe Andrei and I forgot to have our show down!! We'll just have to have it next Monday at the final MAO meeting....MUAHAHAHAHA It can be the focal point. Poor Andrei... ^^

Senior Celebrations was kinda close to what I expected. Then again not close.. Everyone getting a gift was pretty cool, though the gifts could be a bit more equal...still becomes a game of luck and whatnot. The video was AWESOME! Absolutely loved it! Everyone did a wonderful job on it! Valmere and her crew did excellent on the picture collage as well, very happy with it. I loved seeing everyone dressed up all pretty! The dance was interesting....but eh, kinda fun. It was Danny's 18th birthday!

Okay, the stuff that's just me. I've been sick. Kinda weird sick. Not sick sick. Monday coming home from States I was kinda....not feeling too well. Figured it was just exhaustion from the four days. Kinda crashed Monday after school and went straight to bed. I was shacking and tossing and burning up but cold and just so ill... Tried to get up Tuesday but it just wasn't happening. Planned to go in for the chem test and....I just couldn't do it. I'd have little periods of feeling okay but then I'd just shake and it'd feel like, to quote, "my blood is hurting me." Like I'd be uber sensitive and ache-ing and pained. I decided to spend Tuesday sleeping and then running through some get-better-quick-methods so I could manage through Senior Celebrations. It was still pretty rough. Shaking through dinner. Dizzy and ill through the rest of it. Never seems to be enough water. Partways through last night it was *snap* all better. I actually slept nicely. Went through the morning and all that. But slowly through school I was just....eh. Was wondering if I'd get through the concert.
(Yeahyeah too much info...ah well...just saving up for the times I don't update.)

On that note: my solo couldn't be played because of the accompanist. She wasn't able to sight-read my piano part as well as match my changing tempos (which I change personally). Certainly no one would be able to do that in 2 run throughs. I was pretty not happy....but it was a relief. Still would've liked to play it at my last Percussion Concert. (And of course I didn't have the piece down perfectly which was also a reason for cancelling) AND! The piano was a full half step flat. Sounded so bad..
Otherwise, my ensemble went pretty poorly. One of the worst perfomances of it we've done. But at least we didn't fall apart.

irony in iron in blood
Got back from watching Akira.... It was nothing like what I'd heard or expected. It was pretty...intense. They liked the graphic scenes, but all done in olden-days style. It would have to be an impressive break-through from old customary anime into the new world. It was ranked number one for most influential/best created anime movie a few years ago. Not seen that survey since (no magazine) but yeah.

It was.....meh. Not my type. And not up to standards now. Character development was minimal if that. And the connections between characters and setting and plot were very vague and loose. It had some good parts in it and came really close to impressing me a few times. Then it got gory-violent. Yeah, I was given a warning on that, still felt the blood drain. Pretty sad if it does that for that kind of movie (as in old) but yeah.

So I finally did it though and can check that off my list and give the dvd back to Gabe. If I remember. :)


Meh.

turn around and go
I think sometimes, the youngest just doesn't get it.

They don't understand the sacrifices the older silblings and parents make.
They don't understand the world somehow doesn't cater to them.
They don't see that sometimes they have to step out of their little bubble of happy-world and pick up some slack.

I'm damn sick of sacrificing things so she can enjoy something. I'm tired of driving her places without a 'thank you' and then be called to do an out of the way drive for her, and her have no clue what an inconvenience it is. Not that I do those drives often or anything. Dad does. Often enough he's way out there with those kids and driving other kids home for her and she has no freaking clue how far things are.
And always gotten those damn things she wants. Doesn't matter the cost or place or means of purchasing. Whatever will make her happy.

And she can't freaking taper that damn attitude of hers. She is not the center of the world and I'm sorry if she's going through the same hell of school and people I went through but if I got yelled at like the piece of crap I supposedly am and put in my place, then sure as anything is going to get the same treatment. I will not take double standards and as evil and jerkish as it sounds, I told mom she better get the life screamed out of her. I will not put up with her inconsiderations ontop of that attitude. At least when I went through that attitude I had some consideration of other people.

Mph.

shoot the butterflies
Figured out which dress I'm going to wear for prom today. It's bright blue and silver with a bodice and slightly poofie..It's fun.

And once again I can't write anything to update with.
I had this all in my head earlier. And then stuff happens.

The threads snap way too easily.

Can you miss something that never existed?

I guess it's just missing the bliss in what used to be ignorance.

Duck! Duck! GOOSE!
An hour later then I aimed for starting my work. Stupid IB. The essay's in my head... I just don't want to type it all out. Sleep sounds nice though.

Timberlake is so going to take my papers. -.-


I found my binders! After days of freaking out and today searching the school, Mr. Will had them. GRRARGH. Thank goodness! *sigh*

I love second period. It's awesome to have a free class to sit and chill and do work and hang around and all. Even though I did spend most of this class doing computer work for Dr. Z. That's okay though. My music keeps me company. :)

Let's see... Yeah, today's the first day back after break. Yucky.
MAO States is in two and a half weeks.
Prom is the week or two after.
ICC picnic rescheduled for the day after prom.
Some more good events coming too I think...
Senior Celebrations which confusingly is before exams.
Umm...something else.... meh.

Hmm. I get so lazy on breaks. Had so many projects I hoped to accomplish. None got done. Nope. None. But I did get a small fix of tv over two days. Haven't watched tv in a long while. ;(


Duck! Duck! Goose! rocks my socks.

butterflies dance in the sunlight
Home at 1 am this morning. Really tired.
The trip was awesome. Love spending time with friends like that. No words for it.

Mom came home from her trip a half hour before I woke up. Her yelling woke me up. She's really uspet. With good right.
Grandma's dying.
Well, she'sin Hospice now, which we all know what that means. Mom's sisters called saying they want the tubes turned back on.

When my grandparent's first got sick...it was already accepted that they were gone. No one can recover from those things. Grandpa would just keep drifting and Grandma would just give up. We all knew that...so it was like they were already gone. That was Thanksgiving. But then you go and see them. So they're alive again. But then Grandpa dies and they're both gone again. We saw Grandma then....but she wasn't really there. She was in such pain. She'd given up a long time ago. Such shame she felt.

Grandpa's service....one learns so much when people die. I found out I have 3 second cousins, all girls. They live in Miami. One's around my age, but I'm still older (yes, I take pride in that for some reason), the other are two or three years younger than the next. Found out mom had four cousins: one commited suicide, one was in an accident and had brain trauma, one has the three girls, and one's an Emory graduate who lives around Miami too (he's pretty cool, gave me some tips on Emory and just adopted another baby). I found out Grandpa had other siblings. The Grandfather of my second cousins died a number of years ago..but apparently I think he was alive when I was. Another sibling commited suicide (no idea on the connections with all these suicides). I'm pretty sure that's right. I'll have to check that. Found out Grandpa was in the WW2. I knew both of mine were in the war but was always told it was just for a few weeks nothing big...apparently he had had frostbite and was at the Battle of the Bulge we learned about the week before Spring Break. Also found out that Grandpa wrote poetry. Lots and lots of poetry. Very good poetry. I'm going to type it all up to save it.

He was cremated. I don't remember why. I tend to forget a lot of family details for some reason, even though I'm so curious about my family. They all forget the details too.

But Dega's dying again. She must be in such agony... She was the strongest woman I've ever known. Smaller than me and so frail. But always active and alive and in charge. I named her. Don't know why but I remember the day I decided to call her Dega.

I know it's not nice to say, but they were my favorite. Dega and Grandpa. Dad's side....I dunno. These two were my favorite. Of course that's why they were taken first. I have no words to experience loss with. I'm such a bad person at putting feelings into words. I usually prefer to just not register them. But my connection to Dega was too great. But this is just too difficult. I was hoping for some help.

I knew during the trip that Dega was leaving....I knew she wouldn't be there when I came home. It was so hard. But I didn't want to wake up to it.

Really pulls at the heartstrings.